When the dust settles....

I've been separated for 4 months and today I'm wondering what I've gained...or better yet, how I've invested the time that I always thought would be to grow and do things that are important to me....and as it turns out, my actions over the past months have been random, impulsive and without much rhyme or reason like a rebelious adolescent making up for lost time...and at the end of the day it's not really fulfilling. I know it all takes time, to establish a relationship....but, didn't I walk out of one to not have to deal with relationships? It seems as if now I'm pursuing several meaningless ones...and for what? Sex? Even that is getting old....never thought I'd say it...but the beauty of being someone's object of desire isn't all that appealing after a while...being loved seems alot more satisfying....and that takes alot of time and hurdles to overcome...and by the way I see things out in the world today, less and less people are surrendering to their feelings...take people like me for instances, emotionally inmature that block off feelings and hide behind anger after the slightest hint of emotion....we're all severely screwed up human beings really....people are scared shitless of becoming vulnerable to others...others are scared of showing or sharing how they feel because of possible rejection...have parents scarred humanity so badly that we've been all programmed to run away from love? And when in the hell did I get so corny???
I do miss it though, the courtship...a formal, real...traditional...exclusive and monogamous relationship...that you know is yours...and that the person is INTO you...and not a million more...that you have that one person to call at anytime...to talk about anything...share interests...vision...laughs....and tears...your best friend to whom you're really attracted to, that has seen you at your best and worst and still finds you interesting...that knows your every flaw and wants you more than the first day you met...is that all a fantasy? to want to have that?
As my thoughts turn today...it seems as if I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just want that...and that modern, open no strings relationships might not be for me...and that my marriage didn't work not because of my fear of abandonment or commitment but because he wasn't the right person for me....but who gives life a chance to find out if you are right for each other? People are too busy running away from the possibilities....I need to find a different circle of friends...because these days all I attract are married men that want to have fun, or divorced commitment phobics...lol...not that I want a serious relationship right now...but...to think that it'll be all fun and games....isn't settling...it's fun, for a while....but just for a while....
After some time, you become numb...I think my exploring has taught me how men think...and how they go through the motions without feeling much....in general, speaking here...there are exceptions...but, unfortunately too few to count....and I've made the same mistake many times over....trust...and consider lust as genuine interest...when the truth is, that the magic spell is broken once legs are open...lmao...good rhyme! Now, don't get me wrong...I don't feel used...because it's been a two way street....but heck, being on the receiving end I think women are always at a disadvantage...and it's men more often than women that pull those dissapearing acts...once fluids are lost....
It's the desire for attention that drives us to take it from wherever it comes...lesson? Be more selective...not that I'm not...but need to screen even more...trust less....have more patience and avoid quick fixes that will be only that...quick fixes...they'll only leave a trail of emptiness behind...good news? I give the benefit of the doubt....downfall? yeah, I'll continue to make some wrong decisions...but that's how inventors hit it big....that's how basketball players make the final victory shot, by messing up...over, and over....
The emotional toll is high though....and it's important that I continue to manage it with the strength and determination that I have....acknowledging my feelings...and as today's breakthrough I'm going to list the people in my life...and how I feel about them....because I DO feel, contrary even to what I tell myself every day....
My kids....I feel helpless at times when I realize the many mistakes I've made with them....I feel proud that they are strong enough to grow despite of that....and I feel that my life would have very little meaning without them in it....I feel love for them...lots and lots of adoration...
I feel a deep deep love for my ex....one that comes from the bottom of my heart and from the many many years we've spent together....I feel a longing at times...wishing things could be ok...and that I could be happy with him...and I feel sadness when I realize over and over how impossible that is for me at this point...
I feel frustrated when I think about my family....their narrow minds...intolerance and lack of understanding towards me....I feel angry that they will never know me, truly....but I also feel grateful for what they've given me....the tools to survive...
I feel very sad....when I chose the wrong people to get close to....when they prove that I can't trust everyone...it's disheartening, really....I feel weak and heavy when I believe in someone and they let me down....I feel dissapointed when I confirm how contaminated the world has become and how some people are selfish beyond any care towards anyone else...