Rock Bottom....

Sighs....days like today are ones that I'd like to pass quickly and then develop amnesia to forget. I guess no matter how old I get or mature, the things that really bother me and hurt, will always sting like my family but as my girlfriend the shrink said so elocuently today, one has to dig deep into the painful past to heal...and I don't think that I've truly done that..and so, I walk around with a wounded inner child that weeps over spilled milk...lol. Not quite the metaphor but what I mean is, that...my life has been a series of traumatic events some self inflicted and some not...and my system is gradually short circuiting...some of the events I've shared and some I've not and probably never will because saying them out loud will make them real...so, I share the craziness with just myself and the burden is very hard to carry...on days like today.
My separation and home situation is triggering some past emotional heartache and I seem to be grieving over it all...at once. I never thought I'd see the day in which I'd grow so weakend that I'd break down in a therapy session...weeping, sobbing and unable to speak...the frailty of my humanity is screaming these days...and playing the tough one doesn't cut it now. It's hard...and it hurts...and I'm having a hard time dealing with it alone...and I've cornered myself into a place where there's not much support or anyone who thinks I even need it, since I've portrayed the role of ice queen can do it all...for such a long long time...
My aunt and I speak completely different languages and the resentment is so great that we can't find our way towards making it ok...funny how I can love so passionately...yet hold so much negativity towards some people...I guess I never got over the anger of a crappy childhood...I hated it...and everything about how I was handled...they had no clue...
My grandmother...clueless...not even getting into that one..almost 90 yrs old...won't even try to go against that...they made me hard...and then they grew softer over the years...and I didn't...so we lost ourselves on the way...not that we really had ourselves anyway...
I know...if it's me against the world...then I'm the one with the problem...but goodness it's getting heavier by the hour...and I really need help. Depression is setting in and it's ugly...and I can't afford it with the kids around...and for my own health and safety...because at this rate...snapping is just around the corner...I'm tired...
The crying isn't off limits, on the contrary...can barely make it stop...I sob and weep like my mom had died all over again...like I'm in extreme pain...and I am.
I wish I had the strength to focus on the positives today...but I can't...I just want to sleep...and I feel like I function on solar energy...like it's me...but it's not...going through the motions each day...it's like I've lost my balance...my stability...and I need it back.
It gets better, I know...but when? Gaining weight....driven by anxious overeating, lack of sleep, patience and tolerance...I feel like I'm aging a decade a day....
Sighs...it has to get better...