Exhausted....

Has he been gone for a week, or has it been two weeks already? I lost track.....staying in a state of permanent exhaustion...client visit, changes and more changes....dealing with my emotional inmaturity and everyone else's...catching a cold....not sleeping nearly enough...my eyes are puffy in an almost frog-like manner...very attractive...not! Eating like a piggie...especially chocolate, not caring about that little extra gutt that's developing under my belly button...laughing...or the fact that I am see-through pale these days, varicose veins galore.....sighs...welcome to the world of the recently separated...isn't it just GREAT????????????
Deep breath...I know it gets better...but for the impatient souls such as mine, it seems like forever....and the one day at a time idea sounds like too ambicious of a goal....but, inevitable.
My kids have camped out in my bed along with my 2 month old puppy...like we're all trying to comfort each other....body heat...a comodity I never thought I'd have to wonder about...but, these are the trial and tribulations of the daring and witty that believe they deserve more out of life...
And as I write that...I pause and think about my ex...and his blah aura....and as crappy as today feels...I know that it gets better...it's just a matter of surviving the rough days to make it to those that will make it ok...even though it'll be a roller coaster of a little bit of everything...
Smiles....it does get better...
Independence already feels good...coming and going as I please, no stress...no questioning phone calls...well, at least not from him...LOL my son has now appointed himself my keeper...I hope it's a phase...if not, he's in for a rude awakening...lol.
I wake up, can sit on the computer and write without a watchful eye wondering what I'm doing...I can sleep without feeling guilty that I'm not tending to his needs...I have peace of mind...ok, maybe not completely yet...but slowly gliding into it....
The downfall? I'm soooooooo tired! And it's not even close to started yet...I need to set up all of my payments online...start living like a normal human being instead of in the stone ages the ex intended to keep me in, saving money to be able to fly away for my sanity retreats every once in a while...lol...and make my beccado list for the beginning of the rest of my life...
But...with caution...I know I need to go slow...because my body isn't as fast as my mind...and even my mind's speed has taken a bit of a deep, I hate to admit....but, I need to allow it...give myself the time and permission to feel like crap...no excuses or rationalizations...my marriage of 16 is ending...it's no reason for a party...you know? It's sad....not what I envisioned it to be on June 15, 1991...but then again...I wasn't 100% thrilled about it back then either...it was more of a logical next step than a thought out choice...but that was then...this is now...my choice...my life.
I better do something meaningful with it...lol...
Before any of that though...I feel as if I do need to slow down...pamper myself...love myself....drink water...eat and rest...because I'm truly exhausted. My brain won't shuttup...and my eyes can barely stay open....and the rest of me hurts all over....like my muscles grew heavier over the days...and my hair, just won't collaborate...lol...my skin is just not glowing...and oooh the gray hairs....sniffles....lol....talk about depressing....but even in the midst of my shitty season...I manage to attract attention, go figure! Laughing...
Or maybe they're just wondering why I look like crap...LOL
Fetal position in bed...not too cold, not too warm...chocolate ice cream....dim light...good movie...and the occassional child hug....is all I want...right now. I'll shake it off and hit the beauty salon with the little ones later on today...it's overhaul season! Get those grays in gear....my nails back to life...my tan to begin again even if I have to fake bake...and some eye cream...lol...the diet begins december 1st....but no exercising...I can't impose so much on my poor frail existance these days...lmao....now, that I couldn't write with a straight face...self pitty has never been my thing...I'm actually enjoying this phase....I feel alive...even if sounds like masoquism...
My life, is on my plate....and I'm loving it!
Ok, I'm taking my happy on the inside aching body back to bed....lol...it is after all only 8 am...sheesh! Coughs....