Down...

It's down season again....and it seems to have come to stay....I'm not planning on letting it though of course...but as opposed to other times, this time...I feel like I need it around for a little bit...I need to just sulk...and feel shitty...and think alot about my recent choices...and about what I truly want for myself...and why I subject myself to situations that won't aid me in feeling better about myself...why the self destructive patterns? Why do I not trust my inner voice when I sense that something is just not right? Why do I go ahead and bang my head yet again, with my eyes wide open? I mean sure...experience is good and all that...but it doesn't have to keep hurting if you've learned anything at all....but, have I?
In the end...I think that I'm still that little girl on the inside that doesn't feel good enough or worthy...and I can't figure out why...especially since there's nothing rational about it...I'm smart, not bad looking...have a pretty good albeit intense personality...heck, there's alot of people worse off than me out there...but...my relationships just suck! The ones that offer stability of sorts I walk away from...and those that have a tendency of making me feel like shit...I pursue...go figure. Well...it's not always bad but....it's good...for a second at a time....every so often...
Am I not worth full time good? Am I settling? Do I allow myself to get played?....sad.
PMS season just sucks...it clouds my lense and takes away what little strength I have to fight the daily battles...and knocks me into a corner...sighs...it'll pass like it always does..but...the weight has gotten a bit heavier...and although I've always carried it alone...today I can feel it.
I have no one...nothing, really...my children that depend on me, but I cannot depend on them...yes, I know...I shouldn't depend on anyone...but boy would a strong shoulder help me these days...I cried last night...and it felt good...and I feel like crying again today...and I can blame it on the hormones all I want...but the truth is...I've been through alot...shit noone could ever imagine...and I can feel it all today...
In talking with gfds...separated, divorced...what pathetic lives...how scary life seems to me today...all the men, with bad intentions...no desire to get to know them...the games...the sex...the loneliness...the bitterness...the covering up the fact that they're not even happier now.....the jungle...deep breath...but, it's PMS season so of course I'm scared to death....it'll get better in a few days...and I'll probably be designing my junglewear...lol...yeah, right...I'm getting scared here..is the best I can wish for is a long distance friendship with a married man? Shit...it better not be...as sweet as he is...at the end of the day...I'm just an option to him....even as much as he cares about me...he'll never care enough....and as long as I remember that....I'll be ok.
I'm so dissapointed in people today....I can feel that old and buried bitterness that I used to feel...it's true...stick around people long enough and you will get hurt...it's a fact...so, stay away...safe distance..don't give too much of yourself and play along...and to think everyone does it...how sad...no wonder the world is what it is...people with agendas...everyone is trying to screw someone...and it's always in the biblical sense....
I'm such an idiot...lol.
Yeah...some self pitty today...sighs...hadn't felt that in ages, but really...I myself am my biggest enemy...bringing pain into my life when it's the last thing I need...
I need to grow strong....but I'm too tired today...
I just want to be sad...and wallow in it....I can feel the weight in my eyelids...and my gray hair...gawd do I ever look pathetic...bigger sighs...
It's almost time for work...the kids are off the school...my puppy still at the vet, she's supposed to come home today...what a scare...it's like I'm attracting bad karma...lol...need to shake it off...and move on...but not today...maybe next month...