35 going on 16.....sighs...

It's almost like I go back into teenhood when my emotions are rattled or I'm faced with tough situations...and my relationship intelligence drops to 0%...sighs...and I know it...feel it...but keep digging the hole deeper...why? It's almost like I do these stupid things to make people change their behavior towards me, and when they do...I freak out! How can a single human being be so self destructive???? Or insecure??? Have I not learned anything???? Or have I just been handled with silk gloved by one person too many? Why do I feel that I need to cling or latch onto people...and why the fear of losing...what I may not even have? Why the need to torture myself...and spiral into an abyss of nonsense! It's painful to watch....even worse to live....sighs....
Taking a step back...because, when I get caught in giving explanations....people just lose the entire idea and only hear and see craziness...lol...I mean, I can explain that I'm emotionally impaired...sucky childhood...going through a separation...and having dealt with other situations other than ideal, that may have shot my entire nervous emotional system to hell...lol....and be perceived as a raving lunatic...or, just take a deep breath...step back...and avoid all temptation to make further contact...until it's all blown over....what has blown over? I mean, the official version is that it's all ok...but I somehow don't feel that...I feel...that I'm gotten in way over my head...and that now...the rules have changed...drastically...honestly? I don't know what the hell to think at this point, really...
So...I need to BREATHE....
And let the evening pass...and the day begin and end...and focus on work..and the kids...and my current situation...instead of chasing cars...lol..ambulances at that...that weren't even a part of my life a month ago....what has gotten into me? This is not like me....
I need to CHILL....
And count to a million...and BACK OFF AND WAIT...and see....patience...not my biggest virtue...but will need to be, before I make an ass out of myself....maybe worse than I already have...
Ok, let's look at this without the guilt, embarrassment...and judgments...and take it for what it is...I'm a rookie...always have been...and that needs to change....I'm gullible....am I ever...or am I? I mean really...I feel on the one hadn naive...but on the other, like I have this evil devilish side that pushes me into doing stupid things...that I'll regret later....hmmm...I shouldn't talk about regrets...it's all experience...lol....learning...bla bla...sucks!
I can't stand being in my skin today....sighs....long day....terrible choices...and I feel so insecure!
Gosh, if this is what dating is going to feel like...I HATE IT!
I vow to live the rest of my life alone....hate this feeling....
Ok, nuff said....I need to head to bed to have this day be over quickly! Help!