Time to cut the crap

Just read the last couple of posts and boy do I sound down...lol, I must have gotten a good night's sleep because today doesn't look nearly as desperate...I'm more resilient to the changes and recent happenings of my life...I give up control....my hands are up on the air...let's gladiate through today, try not to complain and see what happens....the truth of the matter is...compared to others, my life is pretty damn good...
Lulu had a bit of a relapse last night but looks a little better this morning...hope, is what I'm holding onto...and a positive attitude always helps attract some good...so that's my goal today...no complaints and stay positive!
Yawns...let's get these kids out the door...

Down...

It's down season again....and it seems to have come to stay....I'm not planning on letting it though of course...but as opposed to other times, this time...I feel like I need it around for a little bit...I need to just sulk...and feel shitty...and think alot about my recent choices...and about what I truly want for myself...and why I subject myself to situations that won't aid me in feeling better about myself...why the self destructive patterns? Why do I not trust my inner voice when I sense that something is just not right? Why do I go ahead and bang my head yet again, with my eyes wide open? I mean sure...experience is good and all that...but it doesn't have to keep hurting if you've learned anything at all....but, have I?
In the end...I think that I'm still that little girl on the inside that doesn't feel good enough or worthy...and I can't figure out why...especially since there's nothing rational about it...I'm smart, not bad looking...have a pretty good albeit intense personality...heck, there's alot of people worse off than me out there...but...my relationships just suck! The ones that offer stability of sorts I walk away from...and those that have a tendency of making me feel like shit...I pursue...go figure. Well...it's not always bad but....it's good...for a second at a time....every so often...
Am I not worth full time good? Am I settling? Do I allow myself to get played?....sad.
PMS season just sucks...it clouds my lense and takes away what little strength I have to fight the daily battles...and knocks me into a corner...sighs...it'll pass like it always does..but...the weight has gotten a bit heavier...and although I've always carried it alone...today I can feel it.
I have no one...nothing, really...my children that depend on me, but I cannot depend on them...yes, I know...I shouldn't depend on anyone...but boy would a strong shoulder help me these days...I cried last night...and it felt good...and I feel like crying again today...and I can blame it on the hormones all I want...but the truth is...I've been through alot...shit noone could ever imagine...and I can feel it all today...
In talking with gfds...separated, divorced...what pathetic lives...how scary life seems to me today...all the men, with bad intentions...no desire to get to know them...the games...the sex...the loneliness...the bitterness...the covering up the fact that they're not even happier now.....the jungle...deep breath...but, it's PMS season so of course I'm scared to death....it'll get better in a few days...and I'll probably be designing my junglewear...lol...yeah, right...I'm getting scared here..is the best I can wish for is a long distance friendship with a married man? Shit...it better not be...as sweet as he is...at the end of the day...I'm just an option to him....even as much as he cares about me...he'll never care enough....and as long as I remember that....I'll be ok.
I'm so dissapointed in people today....I can feel that old and buried bitterness that I used to feel...it's true...stick around people long enough and you will get hurt...it's a fact...so, stay away...safe distance..don't give too much of yourself and play along...and to think everyone does it...how sad...no wonder the world is what it is...people with agendas...everyone is trying to screw someone...and it's always in the biblical sense....
I'm such an idiot...lol.
Yeah...some self pitty today...sighs...hadn't felt that in ages, but really...I myself am my biggest enemy...bringing pain into my life when it's the last thing I need...
I need to grow strong....but I'm too tired today...
I just want to be sad...and wallow in it....I can feel the weight in my eyelids...and my gray hair...gawd do I ever look pathetic...bigger sighs...
It's almost time for work...the kids are off the school...my puppy still at the vet, she's supposed to come home today...what a scare...it's like I'm attracting bad karma...lol...need to shake it off...and move on...but not today...maybe next month...

Another Saturday night....

Home alone....but have been chatting with a long lost gfd that lives in Colombia. We lived in the same building when I was a little girl and we've always managed to stay in touch somehow over the years....she's also separated and has a little girl, but boy has she mastered this whole being on her own thing...or has she? lol.
Was telling her a bit about my life...and recent happenings...in the male department and we've had a good conversation...she's way ahead of me though...a little too much for my taste but it seems that that's what happening out in the real world with the available women...why can't it be more simple? Men and just one thing on their minds...it's sad to think that from now on it'll be a matter of silly mind games to keep them interested and out of my pants...sighs...or maybe it's just too soon and I don't have the right attitude. It seems as if all I attract are wrong situations...or is there any such thing? Could it be that I need to live these experiences? Well, I did say that I wanted to live the normal life...so, can't exactly complain now, right? I mean, had I lived it at the right age the candidates wouldn't be married...lol, slight current handicap but oh well...at least he's not in the same building making up excuses to come downstairs to make out with me, like my gfd...LOL talk about balls....she has steel ones...
Is this what goes on out there, and what I was missing out on? Nah....I haven't even gotten the tip of my nose out the door yet..and I'm sure it's not that bad...and even if it is...I guess I can make it ok for me....
Just going through a shitty phase that's all....
Feel horrible...look horrible...all bloated eyes and belly...today rushing my baby Lulu to the vet...goodness what a scare...let's hope she's better tomorrow...I'd hate my kids to have to go through that loss right now...sighs...the ex showed up and I looked maybe the worse I have in ages....lmao...crying over my puppy....banged the car getting out of the building...my nerves are shot I think...and I'm not as ok as I say I am....deep breath...it's my period...
I'm tired....and beat...and stressed, have a good attitude but I feel that my body isn't helping me out....lol. Ok, exhausted...over and out....

Exhausted....

Has he been gone for a week, or has it been two weeks already? I lost track.....staying in a state of permanent exhaustion...client visit, changes and more changes....dealing with my emotional inmaturity and everyone else's...catching a cold....not sleeping nearly enough...my eyes are puffy in an almost frog-like manner...very attractive...not! Eating like a piggie...especially chocolate, not caring about that little extra gutt that's developing under my belly button...laughing...or the fact that I am see-through pale these days, varicose veins galore.....sighs...welcome to the world of the recently separated...isn't it just GREAT????????????
Deep breath...I know it gets better...but for the impatient souls such as mine, it seems like forever....and the one day at a time idea sounds like too ambicious of a goal....but, inevitable.
My kids have camped out in my bed along with my 2 month old puppy...like we're all trying to comfort each other....body heat...a comodity I never thought I'd have to wonder about...but, these are the trial and tribulations of the daring and witty that believe they deserve more out of life...
And as I write that...I pause and think about my ex...and his blah aura....and as crappy as today feels...I know that it gets better...it's just a matter of surviving the rough days to make it to those that will make it ok...even though it'll be a roller coaster of a little bit of everything...
Smiles....it does get better...
Independence already feels good...coming and going as I please, no stress...no questioning phone calls...well, at least not from him...LOL my son has now appointed himself my keeper...I hope it's a phase...if not, he's in for a rude awakening...lol.
I wake up, can sit on the computer and write without a watchful eye wondering what I'm doing...I can sleep without feeling guilty that I'm not tending to his needs...I have peace of mind...ok, maybe not completely yet...but slowly gliding into it....
The downfall? I'm soooooooo tired! And it's not even close to started yet...I need to set up all of my payments online...start living like a normal human being instead of in the stone ages the ex intended to keep me in, saving money to be able to fly away for my sanity retreats every once in a while...lol...and make my beccado list for the beginning of the rest of my life...
But...with caution...I know I need to go slow...because my body isn't as fast as my mind...and even my mind's speed has taken a bit of a deep, I hate to admit....but, I need to allow it...give myself the time and permission to feel like crap...no excuses or rationalizations...my marriage of 16 is ending...it's no reason for a party...you know? It's sad....not what I envisioned it to be on June 15, 1991...but then again...I wasn't 100% thrilled about it back then either...it was more of a logical next step than a thought out choice...but that was then...this is now...my choice...my life.
I better do something meaningful with it...lol...
Before any of that though...I feel as if I do need to slow down...pamper myself...love myself....drink water...eat and rest...because I'm truly exhausted. My brain won't shuttup...and my eyes can barely stay open....and the rest of me hurts all over....like my muscles grew heavier over the days...and my hair, just won't collaborate...lol...my skin is just not glowing...and oooh the gray hairs....sniffles....lol....talk about depressing....but even in the midst of my shitty season...I manage to attract attention, go figure! Laughing...
Or maybe they're just wondering why I look like crap...LOL
Fetal position in bed...not too cold, not too warm...chocolate ice cream....dim light...good movie...and the occassional child hug....is all I want...right now. I'll shake it off and hit the beauty salon with the little ones later on today...it's overhaul season! Get those grays in gear....my nails back to life...my tan to begin again even if I have to fake bake...and some eye cream...lol...the diet begins december 1st....but no exercising...I can't impose so much on my poor frail existance these days...lmao....now, that I couldn't write with a straight face...self pitty has never been my thing...I'm actually enjoying this phase....I feel alive...even if sounds like masoquism...
My life, is on my plate....and I'm loving it!
Ok, I'm taking my happy on the inside aching body back to bed....lol...it is after all only 8 am...sheesh! Coughs....

Grant me the Serenity.....

Noone can give me peace but myself....noone can make me feel OK...unless I allow it....so my major challenge today is to keep taking chill pills....and breathe...life is good...everything is ok...and there's no need to panic...lol. Tomorrow is another day, and then another...and another...and then it happens...that it's time to enjoy a little...after all the grief...self imposed grief...lol, not entirely true but geeze...it almost feels like pursuing a little happiness might be a shitty idea....not really...but it's HARD! Noone said it would be easy...I know...but wow...it just gets trickier...I can only hope that I will have come out stronger at the end of the road...
It's alot of work...this whole dealing with people thing..and the emotions...boy am I damaged! I can't have a healthy relationship to save my life!!! Well...haven't so far...can't say that I might not learn but geeeeeeeeeeeeeze....by the time I'm done the men in the world will have me on the psycho list! Well, the good news is...as shrinks say...crazy people don't go around worrying if they're crazy...so I must not be too psycho...lol.
Live and let live....give people space! Especially in my situation...gotta take it sloooooow....and if things don't work out, they're not meant to....so, popping chill pills here...
Work is good....relief sighs...I can always rely on work to keep me happy...lol and my kids...when they behave...which they have and will until we drop the bomb and I become the monster that pushed daddy away...sighs...I'm so misunderstood...and it pains me...truly...
I have myself to blame though..with this armor that I wear around...I don't give people much of a choice to think anything else...strength..not much feelings...egocentric...selfish...yada yada yada...
Screw people! LOL...they'll talk regardless....am I having a silent nervous breakdown? Will I have the luxury to have one? Walk into the woods and scream bloody murder? Punch and rip pillows till I fall asleep...cry, bitch and drink till I can't remember anything? Gosh...that sounds so good just about now....lol. Gotta wait...till the ex takes the kids for the weekend...lol...and have my doctor on speed dial cuz knowing what a wimp I am...I'll get drunk and have a panic attack HA!
Ok....nite nite...

35 going on 16.....sighs...

It's almost like I go back into teenhood when my emotions are rattled or I'm faced with tough situations...and my relationship intelligence drops to 0%...sighs...and I know it...feel it...but keep digging the hole deeper...why? It's almost like I do these stupid things to make people change their behavior towards me, and when they do...I freak out! How can a single human being be so self destructive???? Or insecure??? Have I not learned anything???? Or have I just been handled with silk gloved by one person too many? Why do I feel that I need to cling or latch onto people...and why the fear of losing...what I may not even have? Why the need to torture myself...and spiral into an abyss of nonsense! It's painful to watch....even worse to live....sighs....
Taking a step back...because, when I get caught in giving explanations....people just lose the entire idea and only hear and see craziness...lol...I mean, I can explain that I'm emotionally impaired...sucky childhood...going through a separation...and having dealt with other situations other than ideal, that may have shot my entire nervous emotional system to hell...lol....and be perceived as a raving lunatic...or, just take a deep breath...step back...and avoid all temptation to make further contact...until it's all blown over....what has blown over? I mean, the official version is that it's all ok...but I somehow don't feel that...I feel...that I'm gotten in way over my head...and that now...the rules have changed...drastically...honestly? I don't know what the hell to think at this point, really...
So...I need to BREATHE....
And let the evening pass...and the day begin and end...and focus on work..and the kids...and my current situation...instead of chasing cars...lol..ambulances at that...that weren't even a part of my life a month ago....what has gotten into me? This is not like me....
I need to CHILL....
And count to a million...and BACK OFF AND WAIT...and see....patience...not my biggest virtue...but will need to be, before I make an ass out of myself....maybe worse than I already have...
Ok, let's look at this without the guilt, embarrassment...and judgments...and take it for what it is...I'm a rookie...always have been...and that needs to change....I'm gullible....am I ever...or am I? I mean really...I feel on the one hadn naive...but on the other, like I have this evil devilish side that pushes me into doing stupid things...that I'll regret later....hmmm...I shouldn't talk about regrets...it's all experience...lol....learning...bla bla...sucks!
I can't stand being in my skin today....sighs....long day....terrible choices...and I feel so insecure!
Gosh, if this is what dating is going to feel like...I HATE IT!
I vow to live the rest of my life alone....hate this feeling....
Ok, nuff said....I need to head to bed to have this day be over quickly! Help!

Mistakes or lessons....

It depends on how you're talking to, I guess....but either way....the saddest moment is when you're knowingly walking into a mistake...and you care about yourself too little to stop yourself...and then, it hits...what did I do? Hmmmm...that question has rung in my head for quite a bit these days...and then the anxiety...the pain...the sadness...the wondering what's on other people's minds...and then I breathe...and tell myself...ok, lesson learned...lol...but I know it's a mistake made.
Sighs...time will tell I guess...and I won't speculate until I have more information but...from the looks of things...I might have made a wrong decision...but then again...I tend to jump the gun and prejudge people alot...so, the hope of me overreacting...is keeping me going...
I mean, it's not like I'm 18 and second guessing...or am I? Well...what's done is done...and no going back now...can only move forward...
Hmmmm...think I'll leave this one alone...can't bare writing about a major screw up...lol...not right now anyway....and until I confirm that that's what it was...
Till then....

Favorites Quotes and Random thoughts...

i'm selfish, impatient, and a little
insecure. i make mistakes, i am
out of control, and at times hard
to handle. but if you can't handle
me at me worst, then you sure as
hell don't deserve me at my best.
-marilyn monroe

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.” Carrie Bradshaw ' Sex and the City.

Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve....

Life is like photography...you develop from the negatives...

When faced with despair....read lots of quotes! LOL...that's mine...
They really do inspire me, even though they're nothing but a bunch of cliches....that make sense. I mean, how hard is it to know what we deserve...not really...but we'll go out of our way to punish ourselves by living below our standards...and accepting the unnacceptable...negotiating with who we are...and for what? If at the end of the day...the life is ours and no one else's...and being alone...isn't the end of the world...sheesh!
Having said that...lol...how much of it all is my responsability? Today, while watching Grey's...I had a thought...when he said...she doesn't let me take care of her....rang a bell...lol. I don't...let anyone in...not far enough, and not for too long anyway...almost like, if I see happiness rear it's ugly head, I slam the door...each and every time...why is that? Do I like myself that little?
Granted, that there are situations and situations....but, the fact that someone offers to care about me...is taken almost as an offense, I guess...because it's a pattern that I see over and over...anything to not enjoy the moments...when that's what it's about...the moments...
I spend so much time making sure that they are what I want them to be...that I don't cherish them for what they are...and for just being there...period. My need to control things....and always have the answers can be overbaring...and honestly I don't understand how some people choose to stick around when I do the impossible to drive them as far away from me as possible.
Sighs....not much time to continue to elaborate on these thoughts today...kids sick...and I'm not really inspired but rather somewhat annoyed at everything and anything tonight...so, no point in spreading the venom...lol. G'night...