Say when....

I've always found interesting that when people are serving coffee or tea, they ask the person they're serving to please say when...meaning when it's enough...when they don't want anymore...and with coffee and other tangibles I guess the when, is easy to assess when dealing with tangibles...but when it's about emotions...when do we say when?...
Perhaps when...is appropriate at the time that we understand that the things we do not like will not change, and that we can only change our reaction to them...ignore them...or just deal with them...leaving a bit of who we are behind...
Perhaps when...is a timely decision when you've tried to change your reaction...and compromise but it still hurts...
Should I say when...or should I just let the coffee spill?
Should I ponder...or just let it die it's natural death?
Should I continue to try to make him understand...or should I just give up and let him be who he obviously needs to be...without me?
Should I keep trying to communicate my feelings?
Should I focus on the more inminent events in my life...instead of the uknown?
Should I forget about it all...and just move on?
I feel like I'm trying so hard....I let go...let it rest but always end up coming back to the same spot...hoping that he'll see what I see...the upteenth time...
Is it healthy persistance and drive or insane stubbornness?
Why do I keep hoping? I'm a smart girl...I should know by now...that it's not the way it's ever going to be....despite having negotiated principles with myself...he won't ever even give me a spec of what I want...and, I would have settled for the spec...but even that is hard to see....
He gives me just enough to keep me around...but not enough to call it something...
He says the right thing...just when I'm about to give up...but then quiets down...for a long time all over again...I know the drill...why do I expect anything different? What am I waiting for?
He's a savy business man...it's about what he doesn't say...and how he calculates what he does say...just enough to show a glimpse of feeling...and stay out of trouble...and not enough...to help me understand...
I don't buy that he tries to protect me....he tries to protect himself....
And I try to stay out of his way...
He says I can do anything....but why do I feel that I can't? That feeling didn't just grow inside of me overnight...it wasn't always like this...it's the time...and the way things have been...that have made me feel this way...I feel a distance way beyond the miles...
Why don't I say when? Why am I still here????
It's not what it was...will never be that....the time, the distance, it's all grown bigger...all except the closeness, the bond...the communication...we're friends...
Sighs...I really would like to be ok with that...content with that...without wanting him in any other way...perhaps...it's time to say when....and let life take it's course...and if we meet again...in another day and age...then maybe...but in this day and age...it's not happening...was nice to dream it...that we could stick it out...for a long time...see each other....from time to time...and maintain the high...but the high...has been gone for so long that I can't remember it...and when I think about the last time I was in his arms....it hurts...because I can feel in my gutt....that, that was it....that was the when...and I didn't even know it...
With my life as it's going....I know that this will be ok in time....and he will take a more passive role in my thoughts....as I see more of the world...and people...perhaps I'll finally realize that it's been a fantasy...a very ambicious dream...unattainable...
And maybe then...I'll let go of the frustration...understanding that it never could have been...
That my gullability....or whatever it's called....put me on this path...but my wisdom...will get me off of it...
I won't be waiting for that one day...for much longer...I can feel it...
It hurts less each time....skin is getting thicker...
Wish my memory would get weaker as well....
He's built a wall...that he might not even be aware of....
And I feel it....and stay away...
He just stays away to avoid feeling uncomfortable...
To maintain things as they are for him....conveniently distant...
He's not that man that I fell for like a ton of bricks....he's a dry version of him...
Not the man that I would look at in awe....with admiration...for his ability to open up to me...and make me feel...but when he lost that ability...I think he lost me....and it's taken me this long to realize it....
I think back to the beginning....and I felt that we could do anything....we were strong...
With the limitations and all...I felt that we had something really special....an unparallel connection....now, we have random conversations...
And the physical connection was just icing on the cake...I truly thought I had met the one person that I could love for the rest of my life....from a distance...no further strings...but, would be the most meaningful connection I'd have...it was that strong...
And I felt that I'd not want anyone else...anything else, more than him....because of all the good he brought out in me...and I could feel back then....that he was taken by me too...
I've not felt that....in a long time...
Not even the equivalent to him caressing my hair...but in words....anything to keep the feelings there...
The I like you's haven't been enough, I guess....to fill in the gaps of not looking into his eyes...or hearing him tell me how much he wants me...
And I do miss that....very much. My loss I guess...because despite my efforts in bringing this to his attention....it's not coming back...he can't do it anymore...he won't do it anymore....oh well, I've tried...and I guess he feels that he has too....by staying in touch...and that he has....good listener....good friend...emotionally stunted lover...
When....