Remains of the day....

It seems as if my mind hasn't completely landed after the flight...must still be up there in the clouds somehwere...some haze and fog remain though...hopefully it'll clear up soon...
My daughter's dance presentation was very very nice...I had a very nice time despite sitting next to the man with whom I've shared the best years of my life...as total strangers...sighs...as it becomes more real, it all dawns on me...we've been upkeeping a dead relationship...so sad that it's taken us so long to get here....but, not looking back today...just forward...and towards the light...out of the shadows...lol...deep, yeah...
I don't feel sad though...not today...more like resolved and ready to get on with the rest of my life...without the bs...in fact I'm thinking of a bs free diet...need to sit and think about that one..to cut all bs calories out of my system...if it's no good for me...it has to go...no hanging on to unhealthy connections anymore...never make a priority someone who only makes you an option...AMEN...words of wisdom...to be lived by...in the new Becca era...
My kids....are what is most important to me today...not even myself...I'll be ok...they need alot of me..and I just want to be well enough to handle it...keep them strong...and let them be weak if need be...they don't need to carry my karma of trying to hold the entire world on my tiny shoulders...they need to know that it's ok to need help and ask for it....I'm still learning...but, the truth of the matter is...I have yet to meet anyone who can help me...I feel that all the answers are inside of me...I just need to ask the right questions...nobody can fix what I've broken...but me.
So, I don't ask for help....I'm hard on myself...and others...probably losing the chance to have some deep connections along the way...but oh well...it's my life...can't have it all...that's for sure...happy kids and peace of mind are what rank high on my list these days...anything else...is icing on the cake...and even that...can be too sweet or rich at times...
Funny how some days like today I feel strong, and others...it's hard to even breathe....I'm grateful for days like today....and I'm not really grateful for much most of the time...lol, unfortunately...I need to be...it's important to remember all the good....keeps it all balanced.
Today is one of those days where I can see my life in third person and disect it...analyze it...without the emotions and figure out exactly where it needs to go...or stay away from...
Go back to school....get that law thing squared out...have my own business....succeed on my own...raise happy kids....and then...maybe by chance...find a ray of light on the way....to grow old with. Probably not going to happen in that order, I can imagine but...if it all happens...doesn't really make a difference the sequence...
Priority one being the children....I need to be a good parent for them...and be well for them...and content...and strong...lol..here we go...the weight of the world...can't help it, but they're my responsability...always will be...and I have to pave the road for them....
Talk less to them....listen more....be patient....try to understand....listen...listen...LISTEN...and take the time....to just look into their eyes...slow down..and BE with them...really be with them...
It can be done...but will take one small effort at a time...until it's a habit...and then second nature like everything...with practice...
Smile more...frown less...cherish more...complain less....and my physical ailments will slowly dissapear...and they'll see a happy parent....one that gives them a reason to be...and not one that dissapoints them...
I love my kids....and they love me back....the most important relationships in my life...and I spend so little time on them...and instead waste so much on those that aren't worth it...
Not to compare....apples and oranges...but still...my focus needs to be on them...
Never make a priority someone who only makes you an option....indeed....
It's losing it's shine....the dream....one day at a time....