Play therapy....

So today was my session all by myself...in two words...interesting....exhausting....
She asked me to choose from a stack of hard plastic little dolls...one that was me...and another that represents hubby....had to answer how I see him...and begin to talk about my family tree...and she started adding more dolls to my background....seemed like an army...mom's first marriage and kids....mom and dad, the dead baby...dad and his gfds and a bunch of other kids...a whole bunch of people stood there behind me....and then, she took the mom doll and laid her down...that was rough...my mom's death...don't think a person ever gets over the loss of a parent no matter how young or old you are...can't say which is worse...because they're both devastating...I felt the loss today...when I saw that lifeless doll on her back while the rest of us were standing...poor mom, I never ever write about her...almost like I feel I don't have the right to, didn't really know her well and don't share anything other than biology at this point...I never knew how she felt about me...if she wanted me...if she was happy when she looked at me...I do know my dad wanted a boy...lol, not sure how that went over...people and that kind of stupid thoughts bug me...who cares? boy, girl...healthy and happy is really all that matters...
So we talked about mom's condition....how fragile she was...the trauma in her life....and then the trauma in mine...such a big word....trauma. According to the therapist, I seem to have coped pretty well with all the madness around me...or did I? lmao....at times I think I'm just a fantastic actress and that one day all the glue will just melt apart....and I won't be able to hold it together anymore but....not until the kids are older...not now....they need me.
She spoke about my ability to adapt....yeah, I guess I can do that...
She asked me how I dealt with it all...and lol...I didn't really know....I sang, I wrote...I danced....I imagined stuff....I'd play that I was a princess on all kinds of adventures....I would exercise....and listen to music....lots of it...still do....today made me think abut my mother...that makes me very sad...I wish I had known her...I probably would have loved her....she was nice I've been told...always smiling...who knew she was so tormented inside....
She liked to dance too....and talked alot like I do....I was also told that our voices are similar...I liked that....I like that my little one looks just like her...like she did leave me a piece of her behind after all and she didn't leave me...completely...
If I could hear her....I'm guessing she's probably say...be happy....I'm trying here mom....I'm trying...
I have grown so much mom...and I understand alot more now...I wish I had been all grown up to help you understand things better too....but, it wasn't meant to be.
I don't think I had ever attempted to speak/write to my mother before....it was almost not even allowed to talk about her...and she was always referred to...that very nice woman...but she was way out there...lol...I must have inherited some of that outness....hehehe...
She sounds like a pretty cool lady though....a kind soul....so vulnerable....
I wonder if she'd like me....so outspoken and opinionated....such temper....I wonder if she hugged me alot...I don't remember...
I'm so glad that I have my kids to hug....can't imagine my life without them...and their hugs...
It was intense session....I almost cried...but didn't....I'm managing myself much better these days....maturing, I guess....
Taking the bad and the good...and making a life out of it...looking ahead...moving forward...
I need to be ok....and happy...my kids are watching me....they need to see what happy looks like...so they can pursue it too...
There's a strange sense of calm over me right now...almost like yeah....I get it now, feeling....this is my life...and I'm taking charge...therapy is a huge part of what the rest of my life might look like...
Didn't fix the hubby issue....but it's not meant to....
I need to continue to understand....
Him...and me...and who we are...and why we're at the point we're at....
What can be done....and what can't...
What can change...and what won't...
And then, after all that...start asking the tough questions...like...what do we do now?
I never really understood why people compared a failed marriage to a loss...or death....I guess I never took such a serious and long look at my relationship...than I am now...
It was a positive session all in all...it's his turn tomorrow....and for the both of us again next week...it seems like it's going to be a looooooooooooong road....but hey, I have time.
Till tomorrow....