Ok, let's dream here a little...

I've not been big on allowing myself to dream....really dream...not even in my mind about how I'd like my life to be....so, in the spirit of healing...I'm going to dream a little today....
I have several dreams...so I'll just ramble on about them...in no particular order...or reason...
I dream, that I'm happy....lol...yes, I think I dream that alot but I never really admit it to myself...and in that happiness I see myself enjoying my children...and my job....but with a man with me...that is not my husband...
I've dreamed of myself with several different men....and quite honestly I can't see myself with any of them, really...
At one point I dreamt that maybe one day....after many many years, and for whatever reason...I ended up with T...in a more permanent relationship...but as time as gone by, I've let go of that dream. Realistically, it's pretty ridiculous...and I know that now...him and I are not meant for each other that way...and although we'd probably get along great...it's just not in the cards...way too many if's to add up to anything remotely attainable...and well, the biggest obstacle of all...he doesn't love me...so, there's a dream that's been just that...
I even spent time on the details...imagining where...and how...and little daily routines shared...no sex, funny enough...was in my dreams much...probably very unlike his that I'm sure if they still exist are all about that....and a year later, I don't even think we know each well enough to be around each other permanently...
I also dreamt about M....for like a day...lol...fastest dream shattered ever....that kiss never should have happened...what was I thinking? Water and oil that man and I in terms of anything other than a working friendship...he's a child...and I'm not interested...end of that dream...
I've dreamt that my husband has an epiphany...and becomes completely different...that he fears losing me...brings home a serenade...and tells me everything that I ever wanted to hear...that he tells me that he's been in a daze...but that he's back...and that things will be ok....
I had that dream for over 10 years...just goes to show that I can be pretty stubborn...
When I married him, I really hoped it would work...I'd look forward to saturday nights to be together...would think up romantic situations and there wasn't a night I wouldn't wake him for some action...if only his response had been different...or if he would have had a response at all...things wouldn't be where they are today....dreams...
I dreamt that one day he'd come home and say, Love...here's the honeymoon you always wanted...let's go to wherever....with a plan....or, that he'd sit with me and talk to me about his dreams and wants and desires without getting all bottled up...
I dreamt that T...would have a revelation and tell me that he has stronger feelings for me than he ever thought of having...dreams...lol...that he can't go a day without thinking about me...dreams....
So, for the last almost month....another dream has crossed my mind....hubby and I split...and everything is ok...dreams...and the kids are untouched....and life goes on seamlessly....dreams...
And the man that waltzed into my life just at the right time...is for real....and wants a relationship with me....is the one....dreams....
Too many dreams revolving around other people, if you ask me....
So today..I realized that I need dreams about me....and no one else...
Dream to go back to school, perhaps pursue the panamanian citizenship to practice law in Panama....not an unrealistic dream...be self employed...or get an even better department in legal at some major company....not such a dream, more like a plan...maybe....
Dream to develop a better relationship with my kids...travel more...enjoy life more...eat healthier....exercise more...smile more....be happy....not a dream....more like a resolution....
Complain less....acknowledge all the positives....surround myself with only the people that are good for me...stay away from those that are not...from the selfish people...that don't want me...but don't want to let go of me either...
I dream....that my days are hectic...my head doesn't hurt much...it doesn't rain as much...and I'm tan all year round...that my body goes at the pace my head does....and that I smile alot more each day...
That my kids are happy....and that they love me...
The the world doesn't misunderstand me as much...and that my circle of friends expands...
That I do something meaningful with my life....and that when it's all done, I'm remembered for my passion....
I dream that a man falls in love with me...in a way he's never fallen before...and that he's smart, and witty, and funny...and passionate....and his own person...and that we grow old together...while I admire him more each day....and that he's the first thing I wish to see each morning and the last I want to see each night...for many many mornings and nights...and that I never get tired of it....
I dream of going on many journeys and not being afraid....and finding comfort in myself...and no one else....and of going to sleep feeling that the day was full and well spent....no rock unturned...no pendings....that are too urgent....knowing my children are cared for a happy...
I dream of loving myself more than I love anyone else....and liking myself as much too...
I dream of never needing anyone....or wanting them to the point of putting myself in second place...
I dream of no regrets and of choices made...and lessons learned and more growth...with maybe less pain....
I dream of the serenade of the man from which I'll never have to ask it from...and the words of love and devotion that I'll never have to request, because he'll know me and love me enough to offer them, especially when he senses that I need them the most....
I dream of surprise...and contentment...satisfaction....and peace....
I dream of less sighs...and more smiles....
I dream of a life....for me.