Cycles...

Life seems to be all about cycles....some that begin, others that end....and it's interesting how we can have several going on at different times all at once...
Let's see....I am beginning my parenting cycle....kids are still quite young....am reaching a peak in my womanhood cycle...if that's even a cycle...lol....I'm I'd say at step two of the work cycle...with about 10 more to go...lol....I'm just starting my learning cycle...now that I've acknowledged that I don't know it all....my marriage cycle is just about ending, I think...and my life cycle seems to be at a whole new starting point....and well, I'm moving out of my office of 2 years....
Yeah, sounds mundane and silly but habits are hard to break...until they're not....and it's not just about the office...it's the program...the set up...the people...it's all changing....and as much as I've gone through many changes before...now, for some reason...I feel them more...perhaps because I'm allowing myself to feel...period. Before I think I brushed things off and didn't even validate my own emotions...and now they just surface when I least expect them to....funny enough though...I know that all these processes happen inside of me, because on the outside I'm pretty sure people continue to not see the real me...but, that's my choice....so, no complaints there.
I get so attached to people...it's pathetic...I've improved....but can still feel the clingy vein in me and I struggle...like today....when I know that I won't be able to just cross the street to talk to him anymore....yeah, big deal but....it's actually important to me...
But hey, not the end of the world...there's other friendships to be made...other things to focus on...I think I just have too much time on my hands....and so I think about stupid things...in time and as I grow older hopefully that won't get in the way....although...as I heard on Randy Pausch's lecture...one should never lose the child like wonder...and I think that one of the high's of my quirkyness...if that's a word...is that child like wonder...about my feelings...and people...and relationships...there's so much for me to learn still....but, I'm moving forward...and that's a plus.
I do need to get rid of my masochistic ways....if something doesn't feel right...it isn't...and going at it in several different ways won't change that...as T told me once....I don't know when to stop.
I need to learn...
Perhaps that's going to be the lesson in this cycle...close is good...too close is not...
Friends are great...when you want them...not need them...
Habits need to be broken to grown...
Change is good...
Gosh I sound like a walking pep talk...lmao.
Well...one thing I've learned is...that I'm the best one to give myself the pep talks....noone else has the time...nor will ever have the time...and to get advise, I need to pay a bunch per hour...and leave maybe as empty handed....what ever happened to the friends you can call at 3 am? Did I never cultivate a friendship enough to have that....or did I, but with all the wrong people? Are they truly my friends...or would they be...if there wasn't an attraction? Is it for real...or do I just allow myself to believe they actually like me....besides the sexual part?
Sighs....I'd like to think so...but hey, I can only hope...can't read their minds or see through their souls...faith, I guess...that darnest little thing...lol.
Change has a tendency of knocking me on my ass....but, the good news is...that I'm getting to know myself and my reactions better....and I know....that I'll get over it. This too shall pass..
As does all....
Just a rough patch in the road....and the need to break out the adaptability stick....gotta love those...I need to stock up because in life, I can foresee many many times for it to be used....
Growing is really painful, and I just keep confirming that....breaking away from the known....getting out of my comfort zone....and the challenges ahead...be careful for what you wish for, as he said to me today...you might just get it...lol.
He's really inmature...lol my goodness....but has that likeability factor....the good guy gene...
and he's up to his eyeballs in things both work and personal...aren't we all though? And his communication skills are worse than mine...lol...maybe men are just like that across the board...because it can't be that it's a pattern of mine...or is it?
In any case....I'm saying goodbye to my surroundings...that I've been accustomed to for 4 years...and onto a change...and then another....transition time....never easy...
I am happy about the travel opportunity though....hope the presentation comes along well, and that those folks over there aren't too picky...but will be prepared for them if they are....I'm going to knock their socks off. I was going through our success stories over the last 2 years and we've really done some great progress....so by the time it's time...I'll be pumped with positive comments that will bring us new business.
Yeah, a little naive I know...but positive thinking is a dreamer's game....if people let reality get in the way there would be no such thing as vision and no one would get from A to B...so yes, I'm a dreamer....and I like it.
Sighs....change can suck....
But....I'll pack up my gear tomorrow and wear a big fat smile....and will prep a welcome party for the folks on Monday....I'll be busy with the move piece and the testing anyway....and that's good...traffic to get to work...but closer...will be different....only for about a month...and then, off to the real new task...and life goes on.
Doesn't it always?
G'night....