And on we go...

I hadn't made time for this in awhile....probably not wanting to elaborate on thoughts and feelings...thinking too much and writing it down proves to be a difficult process at times. Especially now, as things get serious in my life...there are more questions than ever....so, I guess I'll elaborate a bit on some of those today...
What is it that I really want to accomplish with this new life of mine? Hmmmm...let's ponder here for a minute...Do I really want to be alone? Or do I want to just be with other people? And will the other people be all that I expect them to be? What do I expect? Lol...yep, lots of questions for sure...and I won't throw them all out here today and cause myself an anxiety attack at my sister's house...but, I'll need to address them at sometime....
I don't want to be married, period...and not to him...not anymore...and I've explained the reasons so many times over the years that my brain doesn't want to go over it again...so I'll just leave it at that...
But again..what will change, without him? I'll be on my own...good...alone...not good...or maybe good...but different...will take getting used to....I think I just feel a little scared today being away from home, out of my element...and with the feeling...that I don't have his support as I always have...and the support of the other people in my life is either completely absent...or very sporadic....but hey, it's all part of the process, I'd say. It has to make me stronger....and my expectations from people need to decrease to the point that they some day cease to exist....it's the only way I'll ever be happy...just let life be...and things happen without feeling the need to control it all...and weather out the rough times like these...knowing that a better day is just around the corner...
T is present in my life...daily...from Mon to Tues...yet, I somehow refuse to accept the fact that I'm just that....for that period of time...the release or whatever...that he's gotten used to...for whatever uknown reason....he's perfectly ok without going days without speaking...and quite frankly by now so am I....and it's fading away...I don't feel my life wrapped around it as much anymore...but, guess that's the way it should be...don't think about him in the terms that I used to....he couldn't even make it this time...and my gutt feels that he won't again....and that it's really fading...slowly...painlessly...but surely...I can't feel him under my skin anymore....or his desire for me...pause...it's hard....to acknowledge that some feelings just fade away....we don't even see Grey's as much anymore..he missed it...I missed it...and I don't feel like hanging onto it as much anymore...it's just a tv show...but it was so much more to me...
At the restaurant alone last night I saw a man that reminded me of him....and sighed...as I ate my steak salad...all by myself....and thought that he could have maybe been there...but wasn't and...I decided then and there to let it go....
It hurts still...and it will, until it doesn't anymore...cycles...and eras come to an end...and a friendship remains...maybe throughout time...long gone are those days where I couldn't imagine a day without him....
And so we adapt....animals of habit...
I'm learning though...about my choices in men...what drives it...what to stay away from....so that's good...and I know myself a bit better so that I can maybe handle situations better.
At times though...I don't know what to think...am I too naive or am I too strict? Do I feel too much, or do I show too little?
As much as I didn't let myself think about it much....I missed him...when I was walking out of the plane...I realized it's the only trip the US lately that he wasn't a part of....and I didn't feel much hope then...that he ever will be. What for? sex? Can we possibly find our way back there? I thought about that amazing last time...maybe that's why it was so amazing...maybe it was meant to be that way...so that I would always remember it...
It's funny how he tries to stay in my life...and I feel that I've already lost him...
But, on we go...