Remains of the day....

It seems as if my mind hasn't completely landed after the flight...must still be up there in the clouds somehwere...some haze and fog remain though...hopefully it'll clear up soon...
My daughter's dance presentation was very very nice...I had a very nice time despite sitting next to the man with whom I've shared the best years of my life...as total strangers...sighs...as it becomes more real, it all dawns on me...we've been upkeeping a dead relationship...so sad that it's taken us so long to get here....but, not looking back today...just forward...and towards the light...out of the shadows...lol...deep, yeah...
I don't feel sad though...not today...more like resolved and ready to get on with the rest of my life...without the bs...in fact I'm thinking of a bs free diet...need to sit and think about that one..to cut all bs calories out of my system...if it's no good for me...it has to go...no hanging on to unhealthy connections anymore...never make a priority someone who only makes you an option...AMEN...words of wisdom...to be lived by...in the new Becca era...
My kids....are what is most important to me today...not even myself...I'll be ok...they need alot of me..and I just want to be well enough to handle it...keep them strong...and let them be weak if need be...they don't need to carry my karma of trying to hold the entire world on my tiny shoulders...they need to know that it's ok to need help and ask for it....I'm still learning...but, the truth of the matter is...I have yet to meet anyone who can help me...I feel that all the answers are inside of me...I just need to ask the right questions...nobody can fix what I've broken...but me.
So, I don't ask for help....I'm hard on myself...and others...probably losing the chance to have some deep connections along the way...but oh well...it's my life...can't have it all...that's for sure...happy kids and peace of mind are what rank high on my list these days...anything else...is icing on the cake...and even that...can be too sweet or rich at times...
Funny how some days like today I feel strong, and others...it's hard to even breathe....I'm grateful for days like today....and I'm not really grateful for much most of the time...lol, unfortunately...I need to be...it's important to remember all the good....keeps it all balanced.
Today is one of those days where I can see my life in third person and disect it...analyze it...without the emotions and figure out exactly where it needs to go...or stay away from...
Go back to school....get that law thing squared out...have my own business....succeed on my own...raise happy kids....and then...maybe by chance...find a ray of light on the way....to grow old with. Probably not going to happen in that order, I can imagine but...if it all happens...doesn't really make a difference the sequence...
Priority one being the children....I need to be a good parent for them...and be well for them...and content...and strong...lol..here we go...the weight of the world...can't help it, but they're my responsability...always will be...and I have to pave the road for them....
Talk less to them....listen more....be patient....try to understand....listen...listen...LISTEN...and take the time....to just look into their eyes...slow down..and BE with them...really be with them...
It can be done...but will take one small effort at a time...until it's a habit...and then second nature like everything...with practice...
Smile more...frown less...cherish more...complain less....and my physical ailments will slowly dissapear...and they'll see a happy parent....one that gives them a reason to be...and not one that dissapoints them...
I love my kids....and they love me back....the most important relationships in my life...and I spend so little time on them...and instead waste so much on those that aren't worth it...
Not to compare....apples and oranges...but still...my focus needs to be on them...
Never make a priority someone who only makes you an option....indeed....
It's losing it's shine....the dream....one day at a time....

Ok, let's dream here a little...

I've not been big on allowing myself to dream....really dream...not even in my mind about how I'd like my life to be....so, in the spirit of healing...I'm going to dream a little today....
I have several dreams...so I'll just ramble on about them...in no particular order...or reason...
I dream, that I'm happy....lol...yes, I think I dream that alot but I never really admit it to myself...and in that happiness I see myself enjoying my children...and my job....but with a man with me...that is not my husband...
I've dreamed of myself with several different men....and quite honestly I can't see myself with any of them, really...
At one point I dreamt that maybe one day....after many many years, and for whatever reason...I ended up with T...in a more permanent relationship...but as time as gone by, I've let go of that dream. Realistically, it's pretty ridiculous...and I know that now...him and I are not meant for each other that way...and although we'd probably get along great...it's just not in the cards...way too many if's to add up to anything remotely attainable...and well, the biggest obstacle of all...he doesn't love me...so, there's a dream that's been just that...
I even spent time on the details...imagining where...and how...and little daily routines shared...no sex, funny enough...was in my dreams much...probably very unlike his that I'm sure if they still exist are all about that....and a year later, I don't even think we know each well enough to be around each other permanently...
I also dreamt about M....for like a day...lol...fastest dream shattered ever....that kiss never should have happened...what was I thinking? Water and oil that man and I in terms of anything other than a working friendship...he's a child...and I'm not interested...end of that dream...
I've dreamt that my husband has an epiphany...and becomes completely different...that he fears losing me...brings home a serenade...and tells me everything that I ever wanted to hear...that he tells me that he's been in a daze...but that he's back...and that things will be ok....
I had that dream for over 10 years...just goes to show that I can be pretty stubborn...
When I married him, I really hoped it would work...I'd look forward to saturday nights to be together...would think up romantic situations and there wasn't a night I wouldn't wake him for some action...if only his response had been different...or if he would have had a response at all...things wouldn't be where they are today....dreams...
I dreamt that one day he'd come home and say, Love...here's the honeymoon you always wanted...let's go to wherever....with a plan....or, that he'd sit with me and talk to me about his dreams and wants and desires without getting all bottled up...
I dreamt that T...would have a revelation and tell me that he has stronger feelings for me than he ever thought of having...dreams...lol...that he can't go a day without thinking about me...dreams....
So, for the last almost month....another dream has crossed my mind....hubby and I split...and everything is ok...dreams...and the kids are untouched....and life goes on seamlessly....dreams...
And the man that waltzed into my life just at the right time...is for real....and wants a relationship with me....is the one....dreams....
Too many dreams revolving around other people, if you ask me....
So today..I realized that I need dreams about me....and no one else...
Dream to go back to school, perhaps pursue the panamanian citizenship to practice law in Panama....not an unrealistic dream...be self employed...or get an even better department in legal at some major company....not such a dream, more like a plan...maybe....
Dream to develop a better relationship with my kids...travel more...enjoy life more...eat healthier....exercise more...smile more....be happy....not a dream....more like a resolution....
Complain less....acknowledge all the positives....surround myself with only the people that are good for me...stay away from those that are not...from the selfish people...that don't want me...but don't want to let go of me either...
I dream....that my days are hectic...my head doesn't hurt much...it doesn't rain as much...and I'm tan all year round...that my body goes at the pace my head does....and that I smile alot more each day...
That my kids are happy....and that they love me...
The the world doesn't misunderstand me as much...and that my circle of friends expands...
That I do something meaningful with my life....and that when it's all done, I'm remembered for my passion....
I dream that a man falls in love with me...in a way he's never fallen before...and that he's smart, and witty, and funny...and passionate....and his own person...and that we grow old together...while I admire him more each day....and that he's the first thing I wish to see each morning and the last I want to see each night...for many many mornings and nights...and that I never get tired of it....
I dream of going on many journeys and not being afraid....and finding comfort in myself...and no one else....and of going to sleep feeling that the day was full and well spent....no rock unturned...no pendings....that are too urgent....knowing my children are cared for a happy...
I dream of loving myself more than I love anyone else....and liking myself as much too...
I dream of never needing anyone....or wanting them to the point of putting myself in second place...
I dream of no regrets and of choices made...and lessons learned and more growth...with maybe less pain....
I dream of the serenade of the man from which I'll never have to ask it from...and the words of love and devotion that I'll never have to request, because he'll know me and love me enough to offer them, especially when he senses that I need them the most....
I dream of surprise...and contentment...satisfaction....and peace....
I dream of less sighs...and more smiles....
I dream of a life....for me.

Say when....

I've always found interesting that when people are serving coffee or tea, they ask the person they're serving to please say when...meaning when it's enough...when they don't want anymore...and with coffee and other tangibles I guess the when, is easy to assess when dealing with tangibles...but when it's about emotions...when do we say when?...
Perhaps when...is appropriate at the time that we understand that the things we do not like will not change, and that we can only change our reaction to them...ignore them...or just deal with them...leaving a bit of who we are behind...
Perhaps when...is a timely decision when you've tried to change your reaction...and compromise but it still hurts...
Should I say when...or should I just let the coffee spill?
Should I ponder...or just let it die it's natural death?
Should I continue to try to make him understand...or should I just give up and let him be who he obviously needs to be...without me?
Should I keep trying to communicate my feelings?
Should I focus on the more inminent events in my life...instead of the uknown?
Should I forget about it all...and just move on?
I feel like I'm trying so hard....I let go...let it rest but always end up coming back to the same spot...hoping that he'll see what I see...the upteenth time...
Is it healthy persistance and drive or insane stubbornness?
Why do I keep hoping? I'm a smart girl...I should know by now...that it's not the way it's ever going to be....despite having negotiated principles with myself...he won't ever even give me a spec of what I want...and, I would have settled for the spec...but even that is hard to see....
He gives me just enough to keep me around...but not enough to call it something...
He says the right thing...just when I'm about to give up...but then quiets down...for a long time all over again...I know the drill...why do I expect anything different? What am I waiting for?
He's a savy business man...it's about what he doesn't say...and how he calculates what he does say...just enough to show a glimpse of feeling...and stay out of trouble...and not enough...to help me understand...
I don't buy that he tries to protect me....he tries to protect himself....
And I try to stay out of his way...
He says I can do anything....but why do I feel that I can't? That feeling didn't just grow inside of me overnight...it wasn't always like this...it's the time...and the way things have been...that have made me feel this way...I feel a distance way beyond the miles...
Why don't I say when? Why am I still here????
It's not what it was...will never be that....the time, the distance, it's all grown bigger...all except the closeness, the bond...the communication...we're friends...
Sighs...I really would like to be ok with that...content with that...without wanting him in any other way...perhaps...it's time to say when....and let life take it's course...and if we meet again...in another day and age...then maybe...but in this day and age...it's not happening...was nice to dream it...that we could stick it out...for a long time...see each other....from time to time...and maintain the high...but the high...has been gone for so long that I can't remember it...and when I think about the last time I was in his arms....it hurts...because I can feel in my gutt....that, that was it....that was the when...and I didn't even know it...
With my life as it's going....I know that this will be ok in time....and he will take a more passive role in my thoughts....as I see more of the world...and people...perhaps I'll finally realize that it's been a fantasy...a very ambicious dream...unattainable...
And maybe then...I'll let go of the frustration...understanding that it never could have been...
That my gullability....or whatever it's called....put me on this path...but my wisdom...will get me off of it...
I won't be waiting for that one day...for much longer...I can feel it...
It hurts less each time....skin is getting thicker...
Wish my memory would get weaker as well....
He's built a wall...that he might not even be aware of....
And I feel it....and stay away...
He just stays away to avoid feeling uncomfortable...
To maintain things as they are for him....conveniently distant...
He's not that man that I fell for like a ton of bricks....he's a dry version of him...
Not the man that I would look at in awe....with admiration...for his ability to open up to me...and make me feel...but when he lost that ability...I think he lost me....and it's taken me this long to realize it....
I think back to the beginning....and I felt that we could do anything....we were strong...
With the limitations and all...I felt that we had something really special....an unparallel connection....now, we have random conversations...
And the physical connection was just icing on the cake...I truly thought I had met the one person that I could love for the rest of my life....from a distance...no further strings...but, would be the most meaningful connection I'd have...it was that strong...
And I felt that I'd not want anyone else...anything else, more than him....because of all the good he brought out in me...and I could feel back then....that he was taken by me too...
I've not felt that....in a long time...
Not even the equivalent to him caressing my hair...but in words....anything to keep the feelings there...
The I like you's haven't been enough, I guess....to fill in the gaps of not looking into his eyes...or hearing him tell me how much he wants me...
And I do miss that....very much. My loss I guess...because despite my efforts in bringing this to his attention....it's not coming back...he can't do it anymore...he won't do it anymore....oh well, I've tried...and I guess he feels that he has too....by staying in touch...and that he has....good listener....good friend...emotionally stunted lover...
When....

And on we go...

I hadn't made time for this in awhile....probably not wanting to elaborate on thoughts and feelings...thinking too much and writing it down proves to be a difficult process at times. Especially now, as things get serious in my life...there are more questions than ever....so, I guess I'll elaborate a bit on some of those today...
What is it that I really want to accomplish with this new life of mine? Hmmmm...let's ponder here for a minute...Do I really want to be alone? Or do I want to just be with other people? And will the other people be all that I expect them to be? What do I expect? Lol...yep, lots of questions for sure...and I won't throw them all out here today and cause myself an anxiety attack at my sister's house...but, I'll need to address them at sometime....
I don't want to be married, period...and not to him...not anymore...and I've explained the reasons so many times over the years that my brain doesn't want to go over it again...so I'll just leave it at that...
But again..what will change, without him? I'll be on my own...good...alone...not good...or maybe good...but different...will take getting used to....I think I just feel a little scared today being away from home, out of my element...and with the feeling...that I don't have his support as I always have...and the support of the other people in my life is either completely absent...or very sporadic....but hey, it's all part of the process, I'd say. It has to make me stronger....and my expectations from people need to decrease to the point that they some day cease to exist....it's the only way I'll ever be happy...just let life be...and things happen without feeling the need to control it all...and weather out the rough times like these...knowing that a better day is just around the corner...
T is present in my life...daily...from Mon to Tues...yet, I somehow refuse to accept the fact that I'm just that....for that period of time...the release or whatever...that he's gotten used to...for whatever uknown reason....he's perfectly ok without going days without speaking...and quite frankly by now so am I....and it's fading away...I don't feel my life wrapped around it as much anymore...but, guess that's the way it should be...don't think about him in the terms that I used to....he couldn't even make it this time...and my gutt feels that he won't again....and that it's really fading...slowly...painlessly...but surely...I can't feel him under my skin anymore....or his desire for me...pause...it's hard....to acknowledge that some feelings just fade away....we don't even see Grey's as much anymore..he missed it...I missed it...and I don't feel like hanging onto it as much anymore...it's just a tv show...but it was so much more to me...
At the restaurant alone last night I saw a man that reminded me of him....and sighed...as I ate my steak salad...all by myself....and thought that he could have maybe been there...but wasn't and...I decided then and there to let it go....
It hurts still...and it will, until it doesn't anymore...cycles...and eras come to an end...and a friendship remains...maybe throughout time...long gone are those days where I couldn't imagine a day without him....
And so we adapt....animals of habit...
I'm learning though...about my choices in men...what drives it...what to stay away from....so that's good...and I know myself a bit better so that I can maybe handle situations better.
At times though...I don't know what to think...am I too naive or am I too strict? Do I feel too much, or do I show too little?
As much as I didn't let myself think about it much....I missed him...when I was walking out of the plane...I realized it's the only trip the US lately that he wasn't a part of....and I didn't feel much hope then...that he ever will be. What for? sex? Can we possibly find our way back there? I thought about that amazing last time...maybe that's why it was so amazing...maybe it was meant to be that way...so that I would always remember it...
It's funny how he tries to stay in my life...and I feel that I've already lost him...
But, on we go...

Out of the blue....

Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye...for good, for bad...and for, well...unusual. Let's say that this has been a somewhat unusual couple of days. I moved to another location....with the emotional ups and downs that it brought...not working with him closely anymore...then the news of the trip that won't happen....while things at home are coming to a difficult conclusion....and then bam, out of the blue...a blast from the past. Very unexpected....and startling, really. I mean, I could think that he wants to get in my pants as T says...but, I made clear that that can't be on the agenda...and he keeps talking/calling...and I'm not really sure what if anything I want from him...someone else to talk to...closer? Could be. The thing is that this man has more baggage than Paris Hilton on a road trip...not that I don't....or anyone does....but his is pretty out there...lol...and he's a bit inmature....funny that he's actually the combination of M and T...LOL.
He has the dark, handsome thing going on....likes the outdoors...lives on the edge....makes a good living...but is also selfish and inmature. Could it be that since I've not been in relationships before I'm just coming to the conclusion that mean are surprisingly alike? all of them? I mean, deep down?
I asked him to give me 2 qualities of his 3 ex's...and it was difficult...he's clearly self centered...and doesn't acknowledge people's positive traits once they're history in his life. On the other hand...he comes across as a good dad, and he did say he regretted his first divorce. I can see myself becoming his shrink...too funny. Even funnier, that he's a needy one....very...I can tell...and I've used the T treatment...relax, I'm here...lol...just ask if you want to know something...don't assume....lol...and it worked...the man actually was impressed by how I handled his needines...and this is not a romantic or sexual relationship...and he got cranky because I hadn't replied to him in msn...LOL...gosh sounds like me. Could it be that I'm meeting all kinds of people so that at the end of the day I can conclude that...the one man that seems to be what in the future I might be looking for...isn't available for me. And that I'd have to meet someone like him....to be happy....lol...good luck with that! It's not a bad thing completely though...because he IS my friend...and although there's no romantic future in store...he's a part of my life...and I like that. Maybe, one day I'll meet someone like him....
Or, could it be that I'm just meeting all the wrong people, period???? I mean....once and if I'm out there...there HAS to be something else...right? But for now....I'm enjoying the new unpaid therapy I'm helping A out with....lol From a quiet little life, I'm multitasking big time here...I mean, I've been invited to dinner tomorrow...what a slut!
Oh, and ran into him food shopping....of course he knew I'd be there...and he showed up...lol....I was looking like shit...which is good...and of course he said I looked great...ha! Tomorrow, I'm wearing even less make up and shittier looking threads....lolololol.....after all, I said...NOTHING other than just friends.....of the buddy type. Funny anecdote? In 2 days...the man was buying a different brand of toilet paper and packing the eggs in a separate bag as per my recommendation...I told him...he's just begun the end of his life as he knows it...lmao
He seemed amused...and it was fun, so....no harm in that. Plus he did look like crap....so that was great! laughing....
A friend....I like the idea.
Oh, M came to see me today....I'm telling you these days are just full of surprises....took me to lunch with someone else and everything...was very very nice...he must miss me. He looked very nice too....nice, nice, nice...lol
It was a good day.....had plenty of attention....but what truly made my day....was when he let me know he was having a hectic day...anytime he shows me that he cares enough....just knocks me on my ass....what can I say? He must like me....hehehe....more than he gives off....
And after talking to other people....I realize that more and more....
I really wish he could have made the trip....I miss him....very much! And I so wanted to feel his arms around me...and look into his eyes....and just smell him...and be with him...and talk to him...and frustrate the hell out of him...sighs....it's going to be a looooooong time, I guess....
Anywho...and before I get all blah.....tomorrow I have a dinner invitation....to the sushi place no less...early evening...to chat....I just hope that the one time I'm having a harmless conversation I don't get in trouble...that would be so ironic!
Why does he want to talk to me so much though?
Hmmmm.....
Maybe I'm naive enough to think...that he just wants a friend?
Oh well....time will tell I guess...for now, it's fun....
Nite...

Cycles...

Life seems to be all about cycles....some that begin, others that end....and it's interesting how we can have several going on at different times all at once...
Let's see....I am beginning my parenting cycle....kids are still quite young....am reaching a peak in my womanhood cycle...if that's even a cycle...lol....I'm I'd say at step two of the work cycle...with about 10 more to go...lol....I'm just starting my learning cycle...now that I've acknowledged that I don't know it all....my marriage cycle is just about ending, I think...and my life cycle seems to be at a whole new starting point....and well, I'm moving out of my office of 2 years....
Yeah, sounds mundane and silly but habits are hard to break...until they're not....and it's not just about the office...it's the program...the set up...the people...it's all changing....and as much as I've gone through many changes before...now, for some reason...I feel them more...perhaps because I'm allowing myself to feel...period. Before I think I brushed things off and didn't even validate my own emotions...and now they just surface when I least expect them to....funny enough though...I know that all these processes happen inside of me, because on the outside I'm pretty sure people continue to not see the real me...but, that's my choice....so, no complaints there.
I get so attached to people...it's pathetic...I've improved....but can still feel the clingy vein in me and I struggle...like today....when I know that I won't be able to just cross the street to talk to him anymore....yeah, big deal but....it's actually important to me...
But hey, not the end of the world...there's other friendships to be made...other things to focus on...I think I just have too much time on my hands....and so I think about stupid things...in time and as I grow older hopefully that won't get in the way....although...as I heard on Randy Pausch's lecture...one should never lose the child like wonder...and I think that one of the high's of my quirkyness...if that's a word...is that child like wonder...about my feelings...and people...and relationships...there's so much for me to learn still....but, I'm moving forward...and that's a plus.
I do need to get rid of my masochistic ways....if something doesn't feel right...it isn't...and going at it in several different ways won't change that...as T told me once....I don't know when to stop.
I need to learn...
Perhaps that's going to be the lesson in this cycle...close is good...too close is not...
Friends are great...when you want them...not need them...
Habits need to be broken to grown...
Change is good...
Gosh I sound like a walking pep talk...lmao.
Well...one thing I've learned is...that I'm the best one to give myself the pep talks....noone else has the time...nor will ever have the time...and to get advise, I need to pay a bunch per hour...and leave maybe as empty handed....what ever happened to the friends you can call at 3 am? Did I never cultivate a friendship enough to have that....or did I, but with all the wrong people? Are they truly my friends...or would they be...if there wasn't an attraction? Is it for real...or do I just allow myself to believe they actually like me....besides the sexual part?
Sighs....I'd like to think so...but hey, I can only hope...can't read their minds or see through their souls...faith, I guess...that darnest little thing...lol.
Change has a tendency of knocking me on my ass....but, the good news is...that I'm getting to know myself and my reactions better....and I know....that I'll get over it. This too shall pass..
As does all....
Just a rough patch in the road....and the need to break out the adaptability stick....gotta love those...I need to stock up because in life, I can foresee many many times for it to be used....
Growing is really painful, and I just keep confirming that....breaking away from the known....getting out of my comfort zone....and the challenges ahead...be careful for what you wish for, as he said to me today...you might just get it...lol.
He's really inmature...lol my goodness....but has that likeability factor....the good guy gene...
and he's up to his eyeballs in things both work and personal...aren't we all though? And his communication skills are worse than mine...lol...maybe men are just like that across the board...because it can't be that it's a pattern of mine...or is it?
In any case....I'm saying goodbye to my surroundings...that I've been accustomed to for 4 years...and onto a change...and then another....transition time....never easy...
I am happy about the travel opportunity though....hope the presentation comes along well, and that those folks over there aren't too picky...but will be prepared for them if they are....I'm going to knock their socks off. I was going through our success stories over the last 2 years and we've really done some great progress....so by the time it's time...I'll be pumped with positive comments that will bring us new business.
Yeah, a little naive I know...but positive thinking is a dreamer's game....if people let reality get in the way there would be no such thing as vision and no one would get from A to B...so yes, I'm a dreamer....and I like it.
Sighs....change can suck....
But....I'll pack up my gear tomorrow and wear a big fat smile....and will prep a welcome party for the folks on Monday....I'll be busy with the move piece and the testing anyway....and that's good...traffic to get to work...but closer...will be different....only for about a month...and then, off to the real new task...and life goes on.
Doesn't it always?
G'night....

Play therapy....

So today was my session all by myself...in two words...interesting....exhausting....
She asked me to choose from a stack of hard plastic little dolls...one that was me...and another that represents hubby....had to answer how I see him...and begin to talk about my family tree...and she started adding more dolls to my background....seemed like an army...mom's first marriage and kids....mom and dad, the dead baby...dad and his gfds and a bunch of other kids...a whole bunch of people stood there behind me....and then, she took the mom doll and laid her down...that was rough...my mom's death...don't think a person ever gets over the loss of a parent no matter how young or old you are...can't say which is worse...because they're both devastating...I felt the loss today...when I saw that lifeless doll on her back while the rest of us were standing...poor mom, I never ever write about her...almost like I feel I don't have the right to, didn't really know her well and don't share anything other than biology at this point...I never knew how she felt about me...if she wanted me...if she was happy when she looked at me...I do know my dad wanted a boy...lol, not sure how that went over...people and that kind of stupid thoughts bug me...who cares? boy, girl...healthy and happy is really all that matters...
So we talked about mom's condition....how fragile she was...the trauma in her life....and then the trauma in mine...such a big word....trauma. According to the therapist, I seem to have coped pretty well with all the madness around me...or did I? lmao....at times I think I'm just a fantastic actress and that one day all the glue will just melt apart....and I won't be able to hold it together anymore but....not until the kids are older...not now....they need me.
She spoke about my ability to adapt....yeah, I guess I can do that...
She asked me how I dealt with it all...and lol...I didn't really know....I sang, I wrote...I danced....I imagined stuff....I'd play that I was a princess on all kinds of adventures....I would exercise....and listen to music....lots of it...still do....today made me think abut my mother...that makes me very sad...I wish I had known her...I probably would have loved her....she was nice I've been told...always smiling...who knew she was so tormented inside....
She liked to dance too....and talked alot like I do....I was also told that our voices are similar...I liked that....I like that my little one looks just like her...like she did leave me a piece of her behind after all and she didn't leave me...completely...
If I could hear her....I'm guessing she's probably say...be happy....I'm trying here mom....I'm trying...
I have grown so much mom...and I understand alot more now...I wish I had been all grown up to help you understand things better too....but, it wasn't meant to be.
I don't think I had ever attempted to speak/write to my mother before....it was almost not even allowed to talk about her...and she was always referred to...that very nice woman...but she was way out there...lol...I must have inherited some of that outness....hehehe...
She sounds like a pretty cool lady though....a kind soul....so vulnerable....
I wonder if she'd like me....so outspoken and opinionated....such temper....I wonder if she hugged me alot...I don't remember...
I'm so glad that I have my kids to hug....can't imagine my life without them...and their hugs...
It was intense session....I almost cried...but didn't....I'm managing myself much better these days....maturing, I guess....
Taking the bad and the good...and making a life out of it...looking ahead...moving forward...
I need to be ok....and happy...my kids are watching me....they need to see what happy looks like...so they can pursue it too...
There's a strange sense of calm over me right now...almost like yeah....I get it now, feeling....this is my life...and I'm taking charge...therapy is a huge part of what the rest of my life might look like...
Didn't fix the hubby issue....but it's not meant to....
I need to continue to understand....
Him...and me...and who we are...and why we're at the point we're at....
What can be done....and what can't...
What can change...and what won't...
And then, after all that...start asking the tough questions...like...what do we do now?
I never really understood why people compared a failed marriage to a loss...or death....I guess I never took such a serious and long look at my relationship...than I am now...
It was a positive session all in all...it's his turn tomorrow....and for the both of us again next week...it seems like it's going to be a looooooooooooong road....but hey, I have time.
Till tomorrow....