What's the point?

PMS has me in a foul mood...and the stars and planets aren't helping. Everything and anything bothers me today....and my poor choices are coming back to bite me. On a day like today where I could use some friends...I've realized that the few I have...either don't know me well enough to hear me vent...and those that do, aren't public friends that I can just pick up a phone a call to talk. Thank heavens for Yael today though...maybe that's the closest I'll get to a real relationship...I said, feel like shit...bam, she calls. Perhaps female friends are the smarter choice...not the married males...that I've either slept with or kissed...lol. My choices have just be soooooo smart....not.
I'm angry, annoyed...maybe change is kicking me in the butt...the conmuting...the different people...the out of my comfort zone thing...but, it's probably for the best. I can feel that my life will change...and I'm the only one fighting against it. I mean, truthfully...I know....that what I have dreaded for months...is slowly coming to pass...sighs...I'm hanging on with the tip of my fingers...but, what's the point?
So, in a month it'll all be over...and I'm going to let go, and move on...and life goes on...and the ocassional e-mail, and postcard...and birthday greeting will come in to replace daily, hourly...all the time contact....well, it's been a very long time since all that anyway...I should be used to it by now...but, I'm too stubborn to accept it. I'll have to eventually...it's out of my hands.
Different people...different location....an end of an era...a beginning of a new one...and the growth continues...and onto different stories...and circumstances...and focus on work...and more work.
Gotta love work...keeps my mind occupied...and the new program will do just that...love the structure and the team seems pretty strong...change is good, so....what's wrong?
It's out of my hands...that's wrong...I've spent my life shying away from people, and relationships...and now that I'm ready to taken them all on...what's the point?
My marriage.....yes, I don't write much about...it, but it may be time to get honest here...what is it about the one relationship I should be focusing on here...that isn't of my entire satisfaction?
Ok....this may be the toughest blog to cough up but in the interest of therapy and growth...here it goes...seriously...I've say here day in and day out and blabbed about people that....at the end...I have no claim over...and there actions or lack thereof...don't affect me...or shouldn't...but their spouses instead....yes, spoken like a true slut...LOL.
Anywho....back to the man in my life....the real one....the only one, at the end of the day....
When I think of him...good man comes to mind...sweet, well intended, hard working...good man.
Slow, pasive...temperamental...stubborn....simple....great dad. Nice, most of the time...or at least he used to be...before I taught him how to be mean....and before some other woman gave him the self esteem that now allows him to get sarcastic with me...lol. Not a laughing matter really...but instead very very sad....all my doing though...so can't really complain...but, how did all start?
Nope...not going into ancient history or the day where I'd cry myself to sleep when he'd ignore me...for months...was I just too blind to see that something else was going on? Was it?
He doesn't love me....not the way I'd like him to...or would have liked him to a long long time ago...lol, noone does right now...fucking amazing, eh?
Thoughts like that make me hate being me right now.....how needy and pathetic is a human being that feels that she's not loved? But, I'm not...and that's the truth.
Not as a woman....not as someone that a man would purposely want to spend his life with...I guess I'm too difficult....yep, I probably am. But, I can be pretty damn amazing too....can't anybody see that? Sighs....I need to sleep for a few years and get over this pitty party shit...it's stupid, and besides....what's the point?
My husband isn't going to wake up one day and become what I need...what the fuck DO I need?
So simple....and so very very difficult to get....attention.
Someone to look at me, like they've seen what they've been waiting for their whole life...lmao....yeah, I don't ask for much, do I?
It does happen to some people...doesn't it?
Yes, it's work...and doesn't happen like in the movies...overnight....but, with things as they are in my life right now....what's the point in even trying? It all feels so fake....like I'm masking something else...
But back to the marriage...so, I dove into the fairy tale thinking that he was prince charming and I had no clue on how to be the princess....no experience him and I...two very sheltered and severely mentally screwed individuals...so far, not much different than most couples anyway...lol.
But my expectations were sooooooooooooo high...as they always are...and they were ripped from me...slowly...and painfully....I mean, he would fall asleep on our honeymoon...just like anyone's dream wedding...full of arguments....honeymoon not as I wanted it...ok, but that's all history now...what else?
Me having to resolve things...not being able to count on him for the important things...not feeling safe with him anymore...I used to feel like I could do anything if he was with me....now, I feel like I can only truly count on myself....we've both hurt each other....intentionally and non intentionally...but it's done...and we're damaged....
Years of disfunctionality can't be fixed with a few kisses and hugs....first, there was no sex...then shitty sex....and now there's sex....mostly just sex....who is he thinking about? who am I thinking about? What a messed up situation....
It's like what I thought to be sacred is tarnished...and rotten...and we can't find our way back...and it makes me very sad...because I do love him, at the end of the day...but, what's the point? We don't even speak the same language...and he's not the man I thought he would be...better than anyone...he strayed too! He's just a man...a common, ordinary...flawed just like anyone else...man. How dare he? lol
And I try...I do try...and he does too...sometimes....nevermind...this isn't getting me anywhere....writing doesn't change what is...I just vent...and even that...seems like a waste of time, sometimes...
The truth is....I'm angry...and holding it in....and it makes me angrier....lol...not to be able to call a spade a spade....and tell people to go sit on a cactus and spin on a day like today....
The sad part is....I don't have much reason to be angry, really....no one has lied to me...and I know what is...and what's not...I just can't seem to accept it....in time, hopefully...because....hold onto it...what's the point????
I need to let go....
go back into my little cave where I was months ago....and get rid of the feelings...or at least go back to not showing them....what's the point of them anyway?????
Just let go...I will though...I have to...I can't let things get to me this way anymore...
I need to toughen up....and cut the bs....all that softening me up...for what???? I was happier when I was a bitch...
Taking a break from this stupid blog that isn't doing shit for me these day....and a break from being an idiot....