Waiting to exhale....

I can understand the true meaning of that statement better than ever, this morning. After sleeping with my daughter in my room for days, and living what seems to be a temporary but civilized arrangement of my husband on the couch....he left me a note this morning saying goodbye. Is it permanent? His things are still here....my guess is, he's trying to let go...a little at a time.
My first reaction? Cry...couldn't breathe...walked around...went to see the kids sleep....and it was ok again...I thought about the little and the big things that have brought me to this...and I could breathe again...it's hard, difficult....painful, but I believe...necessary at this point. Whatever the outcome may be....change is a must in this house now....
I'm no longer kidding myself....this can be a stinger...and I can predict grief and troublesome times ahead..but I can also see a light at the end of the tunnel...that with things as they are....I see dim a little more each day...
I'm scared....and sad...and alot of other feelings that I can't really put my finger on....and I can foresee many emotional roller coasters...and a long long process ahead of me of ups and downs for everyone...but I feel confident that it needs to happen, for me...for them...for him...for us all.
It's only fair that we all pursue our idea of being happy...and the current arrangement isn't doing it for any of us...as much as we work hide on portraying and even believing that it does...
It's easier to hide under the comfort of the known...even though it's not what we truly need in the end...than to explore the uknown and all the heartache the search might bring along...but, it's only one life that we get...and I really believe that we all deserve to live it to the best of our abilities...even if making choices, means making mistakes...we'll learn...
I'm not in the pro's and con's stage yet...I'm just kinda riding the waves and adapting to the new form of reality with it's subtle change...he's out of the room...first time in 16 years...it has been me with the kids before...he won't so much as walk into what has been our room...it's serious this time...we've gone to dinner as a family...sat next to each other...been civil...smiled...told jokes...but we get home...and sleep apart...I can see this dynamic becoming a form of life.
I love him...like him...care about him...but we're not good for each other as a married couple...
But, I'm not going to go into the reasons today....it would be too exhausting....I think I'll just stay at...change...small, baby step changes...
I spoke to my son about this yesterday....had a heart to heart....he asked me how long this would last...I explained that adults have to work on things their own way...that I understand his concerns...but to remember that we love him and that our differences have nothing to do with him...that we would be on the same boat even if he brought home straight a's....always listened...and was nice to his sisters....
I explained that...it sucks...and we're all upset, because we all care about each other...but that everyone deserves to pursue happiness...or to give up when they can't find it....and that I don't know what's going to happen, but that whatever does...will never change the bond he has with me...or with his father...and that as always and forever...our biggest accomplishment has been them...they have been our success....
I think he understood....he's such a mature little boy....but this is life...and I can't continue to shield them from what is...I'd rather give them the tools to live full lives themselves...no sarcasm...no put downs...with respect towards their father...a good, civil arrangement.
I can only hope things stay this way....which is why I've kept my mouth shut....I don't want to rock the boat...what a sad morning...and it's raining...
I've been reading articles...on separation...the children...how to handle it...and the first thing is not to isolate myself or dwell on the situation...so I'm heading to the office and have a full day planned with the kids...it's going on a week of this....and then will come another...until, it's what is...damn it hurts....but, I'll survive, I always do....