Technical malfunction version 2007

So, when male genitalia was created I guess no one took the time to do some test drives to ensure that technical malfunctions weren't often, or that the warranty wouldn't just wear off after 30 something....but, is it really technical or, is the motivator battery hooked to a different source?
It's very VERY difficult to stay above and smile when the mere presence of a beautiful young and healthy woman isn't immediately arousing....but wait, I didn't mention she's his wife...lol. The irony of it all, is that....she's desired by other men...yet has to go through unneccesary grief with him.
Granted...not all the time...but enough to slowly and painfully remind her of reality....this is what is...and will be...for many years to come...and she needs to be graceful and loving regardless....sighs.
So, what inspires him to be good and ready at strange hours? Am I just a parking lot? Because more times than not...when I lead the way...the equipment just goes on strike....it's mental, so where is his mind?
I obviously still care...if it knocks me on my ass...it makes me very sad...and frustrated...where, I know that I am desired...just maybe not by him? Yes, I know I'm exagerating and that it's probably not nearly as bad as I'm portraying it...but, it certainly feels that way.
What is on his mind? Why does this happen? And why do I need to go through this????
It makes me feel....so little...and insignificant....and sad....and hopeless....and angry. And no matter how many people tell me how amazing I am....all it takes is 5 minutes of this....to rip it all away....and the doubts creep in....and the insecurities....why is he here? Is it the kids? Why am I here? Is it fear and the need for comfort? Is everything else worth, those 5 minutes? Should anyone have to go through this? Why is it...that no matter how long things are great....those 5 minutes just ruin everything? Why can't I move on? Why do I fear those 5 minutes every time I even attempt something? I would like to have a normal marriage...one that works...and I would like to take the lead on something so important in the relationship....but, because of days like today...I dread it...it's like I never know what the mood will be. Will I be lucky this time...or will my self esteem take another hit? How does he feel about it? Not good I'm sure...why can't we even talk about it anymore? Why do I hate him when it happens? I'm fucking hot g'd damnit! What the hell is wrong with him???? I mean....it's not like I don't know the effect I can have on a man....and it's not like I don't know that if I was someone else...he'd be all over it....then, why are we sometimes damaged that way????Deep breath....
How the hell did I get to be 35 and so damn frustrated? The life that goes on inside of me...is just one big mess....and yes, I know...it's not all bad...kids are well...foods on the table...roof over my head...bla bla...good man...but, what about my soul? Who cares for that? Don't I deserve a normal and healthy intimate life? I guess I need to stop fighting it...and learn to accept that I'll never have anything near normalcy....and that I just need to do what I need to....to get through the days...shit, what a crappy way to start the day...sighs.
So, here I go...again...deep breaths...suck it up...pretend nothing happened...and go on my merry way...until I have a panic attack or nervous break down from holding in so much dirt....
What can I possibly do to fix this? My attitude? Hell....I've been at this for almost 20 years....I think there's a limit to hope and faith....plus the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result....yep, I'm textbook insane!
I hate that I've chosen to live a life that isn't really one that fulfils my wants and needs....and at the end of the day doesn't really make me happy. I don't think I can make him happy or he can me, for that matter...but here we are...cowards....wasting the best years of our lives...on someone who doesn't want to be here. That's the bottom line...I don't think he really wants to be here...and it manifests in moments like this morning...but he's too scared to change his life...and doesn't want to be away from his children...this really sucks.
I know that I'm assuming as I usually do...and I might be wrong...and I might be blowing things out of proportion...but, my self esteem just took another hit of so so SOOOOOOOOOO many....that it makes it hard to be objective here.
Oh well....so I vented....now off to the grocery store with a chip on my shoulder and yet another reason to feel crappy....lol. Gotta luv it though...
And put on a big ole smile....cuz god forbid I make HIM feel bad....end of times...gotta be the good little housewife that takes the good in squirts and the bad in buckets...and eats it all up. HA!
If I had a magic wand.....