A reason to cry....

Although there might be many....I can't bring myself to cying for sake of crying...I need a reason. And when I'm at a loss...and still need to let it all out...I'll focus on maybe a little thing...that isn't working the way I want it to. Pathetic, I know...but...I'm only human.
Today....after dealing with husband issues...and realizing that I won't be getting any cuddles or kisses in potentially a long time...I felt like crying....what can I say? I need that....
The stroke of my hair...the warmth of arms around me....someone telling me that everything will be ok...and a bear hug...that forces me to let out a big sigh...or relief....satisfaction....happiness...or even sadness....but to feel the energy from someone who cares....goes a long way...
I'm depriving myself from it....on purpose...for the greater good...but the sad reality is...that I might go very long without it...hopefully though, I will fill in the void with productive and maybe more long termish fulfilment...and not the quick fixes...that over the years have ultimately not made me happy.
So, I have my kids...for the warm and fuzzies...and I can baby myself...be kind to myself...develop a relationship with ME...after all, that's probably the closest one I'll have...and the one I'll have to handle until I die...lol.
Try new things...foods...places....I really want to do that....experience life...to the fullest....without anyone's judgement or criticism...why do I need by other people's standards anyway? When it's all said and done...it'll be about the moments I shared...and the people I shared them with...not taking anything else with me...
But, even while I know all this and rationally speaking it all fits...I sometimes feel like crying...
I cry for what could have been but wasn't....for the precious time invested...or wasted...lol...trying to be PC here...hehehe...I cry for the things that I would have preferred not to have experienced, and the losses I've suffered and will continue to suffer....I cry for the circumstances that made me hard...and sometimes perceived as cold....I cry because I know that deep down there's still a helpless little girl...just wanting to find her place in the world...I cry because I want my kids to be happy...and because I want to take someone's breath away...I cry at weddings...hoping to one day find someone that lives to look into my eyes...
I cry when I see people in love...because I want someone to show me love....overflowing, crazy...scream it on the top of a tree kind of love....someone who would something over the top for me....I cry when I realize that I'm not 20 anymore...and the likelyhood of finding that someone becomes less possible as years go on...
I cry when I see tenderness....in the way that I know I can feel...but work so hard on hiding...
I cry when I realize the self imposed restraints that I've carried around for years...
I cry when I miss my mom....and wish that she could see how I've turned out...and that I could hug her...
I cry when I remember how little hugs I received as a kid...and why I need them so much now...
I cry when I think of the walls I build around me....that isolate me from the possibility of love and affection...
and...well, I just cry for the hell of it sometimes...lol. For no aparent reasons...or for all of the above...
I cry for nothing....and everything....smiles.
It does heal though...as much as it congests my sinuses, gives me a headache and makes me puffy like a toad...lol....it does heal...and lifts the weight of the world at times...
In my car....in the shower...before falling asleep...you name it...I've cried there...
Few times in front of others....because I feel pain...frustration....or feel SOMETHING...and it throws me off....heck I've cried for things as bizarre as from an amazing earth shatteting orgasm!
Knocked me on butt...and I felt this need to cry...how embarassing is that? Poor guy...I don't think that flatters anyone...
I cry with sappy movies....and babies...and pets....and when I look at my beautiful children all grown up....thinking back when they were little....and how much they mean to me...
I cry when I'm angry sometimes too!
So, I cried today...let it all out...ruined my make up...puffed up like a toad...sat in the car in the parking lot...and weeped....then, about 10 minutes later...wiped the tears...fixed my hair...and went upstairs to my apartment....and it was all smiles from then on...felt good...I can sleep soundly tonight....I cried.
I might need to cry alot in the future...but it's therapeutic....it's cleansing of the soul...and eyes...and mind....it's a break down...before the build up...it's the storm before the rainbow...it's emotions...before reasons...
But I'll be ok....