Not much improvement....

So I just read last blog's ramblings and I can't really say that I've moved forward too much....PMS time, so I guess it's to be expected...
Marriage blow out yesterday at least released the whole cry piece...did alot of it...and, it felt pretty damn good. Of course, by myself...far from anyone's range....so it was just me and the stars...lol.
Still pretty sensitive...taking things too seriously...and sick of it, honestly. But it'll pass...I'm sure.
I just realized that every time I acknowledge a feeling...a negative one...I go right in to say that it'll pass, almost dismissing it. A pattern there, for sure...and probably not the healthiest of habits...because it almost aids the repression. So, yes...I can cough up a negative feeling but won't dwell on it past the next word...because my rational brain knows that it's wrong to feel that way...so I dismiss it...even though it's real...and inside of me...and it just sits there...until another one comes along...and another...until there are so many unresolved in there that I've not given myself the chance to work on...and I end up feeling like crap. Interesting...how my brain works...
So, I need to work on allowing myself to feel negative things..without judging myself...damn...that's a breakthrough for sure...guilt, I think...is a pretty big part of it all....a part of me feels like what I feel...is my fault...when, sometimes it just can't be helped....and all I have left is to manage whatever it is...with the thinking part of my brain...lol.
I'm very hard on myself....more than anyone else can ever be...but why?
It's like there's this unspoken rule where I HAVE to know how to handle everything...and that I can't ask people for help...and that it's expected that I have all the answers....well, haven't I had to always? lol...my life has been the consecuence of all of my decisions...and I drag the other characters along...where I live...what I do...my kids...it's all me...
Sighs...not going too deep into that one today...because I'm in fragile grounds in what my thoughts are about my marriage....let's be honest here...if I had a magic wand...I wouldn't be here...
I would take my kids...and leave....and start my life all over again....with no man in it....
Not one...
Clean slate....just me, some good books and movies...my job, and my children...not in that order...but with focus only on that...
Having to maintain a relationship...is exhausting for me...and I am convinced that no matter how much we try, this one is damaged beyond repair...but no one has the balls to do anythind about it...and we're building more resentment...hell, I don't even think we like each other anymore...
Did we ever?
And I've been trying...I really have...despite the stupid messes I get myself into...and them mistakes I've made...and boy there have been quite a few of those lately...
I love my husband very much...as a person...an important human being that has been key in my life...and I hate to see what we're doing to each other...and I know...that it's going to have to be me...to eventually change things...if only there was a clean and mature way to do it...but knowing him...I don't see it happening....he can get pretty hateful...and I'm not exactly mother theresa myself...
Sighs...yeah yeah...I know...I'm not going anywhere but a woman can dream here...lol.
It's bs....80% of it....and it's a shame....
I've said it a million times...I'm not made to be in a relationship....suck at it...can't show any consistency...and I prefer the highs than the routine...maybe some people just aren't cut out for it...
Plus...my husband doesn't understand me...we interact...on a very superficial level...and I guess that knowing that I can be understood...hasn't helped either...maybe T has shown me that things can be different...of course...I know not with him...lol...not that delusional here...but with someone perhaps more like him...less like my husband....and it ends up feeling like my own husband doesn't know me....and it's saddening...
And even worse, is that I don't think he has the ability to...even if he really tried....we speak two very different languages...even more different than the typical males vs. females....it's almost human vs. alien...although granted that I speak alien for most people anyway...lmao.
Well, maybe the situation with T is good practice for whatever is going to turn out being the rest of my life...and by learning to relate to someone...and adapt...I'm setting a more reasonable ground to interact with other people in my life...lol...yeah, whatever.
I think it's a shame to connect with someone so well...that is so wrong for you....but, there must be a reason for it...and maybe time will tell....it's not a waste...so, it's all gain, as far as I'm concerned.
If I could have my way...really....I would like my marriage to work....and I would like to maintain a deep romantic relationship with T....lol...I'm being brutally honest here...that way I'd have the best of both worlds...and that's probably the mindset I had jumping into this thing...but, things have taken some sudden different turns....lol. For starters, well the marriage has it's moments...and it's doing ok, but could be better...but more importandly for the plan...lol, is that I can't have a romantic relationship with T, because he doesn't want to.
Wow....I wrote it....this soul cleansing thing...is therapeutic....so, let's continue on the honesty roll here....
So, he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me...because despite his liberal views on things...he is actually old fashioned when it comes to feelings...and he feels that it's wrong to engage in a romantic relationship with someone other than the woman he chose to marry....even though he is ok with maintaining a physical friendship with someone else....
LOL...physical friendship...I like that...
Do I agree with it? Nope....but, it's not the first thing about his choices that I don't see eye to eye with him....but this is the only one that involves me...
So.....not really much to do on that front but take the friendship in the form that he's willing to give it and give up on the other thoughts...and back off just enough to not get too attached...and stay in touch just enough to not forget about it...
So, I guess my life isn't mapped out that way I'd want it to be, really...and that might be causing some of the frustration....work wise though is looking up...and my kids are doing great...so, I need to focus on those...and just leave the whole sappy piece alone....I'm not meant to live a love story....what a shame. I can only hope that my kids do...and that they meet the right person at the right time...and they are happy...completely happy and satisfied with the choices they make...so that at least, my life isn't such a waste...
It hasn't been...because I have them....and they are the only true real genuine relationship that I have...and that is 100% mine...
Bottom line...my choices in men have sucked...lol....I'm 35 years old....and can't say that I've been swept off my feet...probably never will be...can't say anyone has fallen flat on their face in love with me...can't say that anyone will ever be...and as temporary and superficial as that all may sound...and knowing that there are other much more important things in a relationship than that....it would have been nice. I can imagine my girls...walking down the aisle...so excited...so in love...I can only hope that there lives are full...and that they are satisfied...on all levels....I want my kids to be happy...and perhaps then...I'll be entirely happy to.
I think I've been looking for happiness in all the wrong places, as the song says....and happy in the form that I've dreamed it...isn't meant for me.
But hey....maybe I'm wrong....and all I need is to give myself time...and make some changes...maybe I just need to keep the faith and the right person will eventually come along...
And maybe the sky will turn purple too...lmao, but hope is the last to go....
As I sit here....and think of how I would have liked my life to have been....I'm overwhelmed by emotions...but I'm too smart to think that wanting something is enough to make it happen...and that's just the way life is....not fair, and sucks sometimes....and then you die.
And my life...I feel...is passing me by....a day at a time....not getting any younger...maybe wiser...so, I'll be a wise old lady....lol....by myself....with lots of knowledge for the kids and grandkids...so that they have full lives....
Maybe that's my purpose in life....to ensure that the next generation is fulfilled...
Well...this blog didn't help...lol. Till tomorrow...