Hypersensitive...

I knew that I needed to write down what I was thinking on the way home from work today, but had to have lunch first...got distracted...and there goes my thought process...sheesh!
I don't know what's wrong with me lately...it's like I'm 100% emotions....ah...I remember what it was that I wanted to write about...the fact that I never really resolve the things that bother/hurt me...and they add up causing me to go into hypersensitivy...yep, that was it.
So, my theory on part of my whackyness is...that I don't like to show my feelings...not the true ones anyway...something about being weak, bla bla...so people either believe that I feel nothing...or not what I truly feel. Yes, complicated...I wrote the book on it...or am...lol.
I send mixed messages, almost like I don't want to be found out...and don't want to let on that things or words...or comments can actually hurt me. I've improved....granted, but...not 1oo% is resolved or to my satisfaction if I feel like crying over any little thing. There's the other block..I don't cry...I haven't allowed myself to cry in a while...so, that builds up too, to the point where I'll think about something silly....and I'll feel like a storm is about to come over me...and, I hate it!
So...as it turns out, I'm human...and things get to me, go figure. I had made a career of showing people otherwise...funny enough, it always comes back to bite me.
Examples....hmmm...my husband, that I'm sure has no clue how I really feel about him, as I spend 60% of my time making him feel inadequate...verbally or not...my kids, although I tell them that I love them....I'm not sure they really know that it's life or death kind of love...that I couldn't imagine myself without them...
People need other people...no matter what T's theory on not needing may be...I disagree. Yes, we can live without people, but it's the connections that we have that keep us going....and I don't like needing anyone...that's the truth.
Why don't I work out my issues so that they don't build up? Hmmm...well, for starters I need to learn to be more assertive...I can't usually cough up something that really hit the core...although I think I'm getting better at it....
I don't like people seeing my weaknesses....ironically I think that by hiding them I end up exposing them more...lol.
I think I'm stronger than I am...or at least like to come across that way...
And what's with the mixed messages?
Seriously....I don't think anyone truly knows what I'm about....
Not such a bad thing...but at the same time...by keeping people at a distance, I miss out on some pretty amazing moments for sure....gosh I sure can complicate things...lol...even in writing this damn blog I can feel that I'm going in circles not really sure what it is that I want to say here..
I think too much...yes, overanalyze myself and others...amen...and want to know everything...lol...pretty high expectation of myself and the world...no wonder I want to cry..lmao.
I tend to think the worse....another little trait of mine that sends off the message that I can't trust anyone and that no matter what they do or say, it's never enough for me...when in my soul, I know that I'm not even close to being that demanding...
I guess...what I want deep down is for someone to take enough interest to break the code and see beyond my bs...sighs...but, I think I've given up on that one...I've made all the wrong choices...in the circumstances that I've thrown myself into to invest my feelings....
And...too little too late to make them go away...no such luck...so...gotta make lemonade...lol.
I'm such a sappy creature...and my fairy tale thinking style is going to cause me some heartache for the rest of my life...
Or will it?
I mean....I do have some rational thinking going on...and I can see what is...and what's not...but, I guess I'm too stubborn to accept it...
There is no happily ever after...just happy right now...what was that grey's anatomy quote?
At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
So, I do have faith....in some people...not bad....lol. But, I don't think they know that...and maybe it's too late to start showing it...or is it even worth it?
The castle...is definitaley not a castle...and prince charming, has a wife...LMAO...oh, and wait...I have a husband...so, yeah, I don't think it's anything that can be published as a children's story...laughing....
Perhaps this is my once in a blue moon....
How the heck did I get onto this topic? My brain is just all over the place today...
I push people away from me....and then when they're far away...I wish they were closer...
And I don't look at them when they're right across or next to me....but I wish I could see them...lol...talk about contradicting...
Yep, hypersensitive....I need some chocolate...lol
Till tomorrow...