Balance....

Not too high or too low today....in a content middle...feels nice. The holidays have come and gone...spiritual cleansing...done...family gathering...done...and on we go to regular times....hectic regular times...lol. So, counseling went well.....I liked the therapist....very zen...she seems like a self made woman...right up my alley....no bs...right to the point...well worth the money, in my opinion.
She began with him...very PC....lol...making him feel important...my kind of gal...lol....and then with me...I kept it very factual...with a smile...no major break downs....thank heavens...almost like I was too calm....but, it was the first session....no biggie. Her take on it? Well....she asked him if he had a learning disability...and I thought that was...BRILLIANT....I've told him over the years that he must have...no disrespect or anything...but being a teacher for 3 years....I can tell those things...and what I have predicted was that back in the day when there wasn't much knowledge on learning disabilities...these kids were deemed as discipline issues...as he was...and he had to be nursed through school....but then in college, did great! Then, we went on to his ROBOCOP tendencies...as I've labeled them....how he needs to be clean...doesn't allow contact if he's sweaty...lol...needs to put his stuff in a certain way...has rituals of all sorts...that have decreased over the years due to my constant nagging...lol...so, as I had also joked about so many times...she actually implied that he might have some OCD characteristics...LOL...the good news? I'm not crazy....and I could see this..for years...the bad news? I'm not crazy...and we have a problem, Houston...probably bigger than I thought...and not even his fault...sighs...
She also commented about me...and my anxiety...and obvious bipolar characteristics...LOL...but I knew all that already....as she said...I don't have a condition or anything like that, but I'm a clear tempered basket case....but, so have been many many important people in history....HA!
So her take on it is....that we both have damaged equipment...so we're in no shape to be in the emotional olympics right now....my analogy...not hers...lol....and that we need to first have a complete individual check up to get in shape...so that we can then...discuss group sports....lol.
We have scheduled individual sessions next week....and then, we'll see...
Something changed for me during the session though...I realized that I don't need to be so hard on him or myself...and not self impose anything ridiculous like not speaking to him much...so, we've watched tv together...shared snacks...although bedtime is still in separate quarters...
I think that's actually healthy...that we each have space to work these things out....
I cooked all day on Saturday to break the fast.....brisket with corn....ropa vieja with beans and peppers...matzah ball soup...rice....started the night before braising the beef...it was fun...and for the first time...in YEARS...with my mother in law at the table...he thanked me, and told everyone that I had spent all day in the hot kitchen cooking up the meal...while fasting....and he made a big deal out of it....some appreciation, was very much...appreciated! lol
He told the therapist that although he knows that I am convinced that he doesn't love me...that he is more in love with me now, than he was years ago....and by golly I must be human at some level...because I really liked to hear that....for like 3 seconds...until I realized...words words...
The irony....I ask some for...words...and others...for more than words...lol...I'm just never satisifed! But hey...no great discovery there....
Anywho....I think it was a good start....I felt better walking out of there....albeit the awareness that we might be dealing with much deeper issues than I had thought....but, if we need to dig deep and get ugly...for a great good....then why the heck not? I mean, we've invested plenty into this marriage thing....kids and all...and, I want to....at least try to figure this out. At some level, to also find out if I'm really not good at relationships or I have other things going on with me...which to some extent, I kinda know....but would like some more formal insight....and also to understand why this particular relationship has been so difficult to make work....
I do have a greater sense of empathy with him though...I mean, if he's been walking around for decades with untreated shit...then, no wonder his brain backfires at times...with the stress and all...the way she explained it, is that any learning dissability coupled with OCD tendencies affect the brain's executive functions, therefore when under stress they freeze...or create the need to become impulsive or even violent....and, it does sound like a reasonable theory....
And I live a mile a minute...so there's no way he could have kept up....what a complex combination of personalities....
I do want him to be ok....no matter what the outcome here...so, this is really all good.
Okies...till whenever I feel like writing next....