Peaceful Sunday....

The older kids are off at friends homes, the little one is here with me....she's great to hang out with....such an old soul...telling me how she loves Avril Lavigne...and how I HAVE TO listen to the high school musical CD because it's amazing...lol...and that Cheetah Girls are pretty good too...as we had lunch together in the den...no stress for me today...so far...lol.
Had an odd moment last night though...must have been hormonal, driven by PMS...because I wasn't feeling too great...kinda warm...thought I was feverish...so came into my son's room to wake the Mr...thought I shouldn't...but I did anyway....the AC was cooler in there....so crawled into bed with him...I did...I guess it was instinct more than anything...it feels like I'm almost under water these days...having him around and not doing my usual...holding onto him all the time...not that I'm complaining...I actually like the fact that life goes on as usual...with or without the holding...I guess I need to take baby steps and that set backs are to be expected after so many years....the funny part was that I wasn't comfy, we were in a twin bed...lol...so I ended up going back to my bed in the morning...to sleep in all by myself...
I wish I didn't still feel the need for his contact...I can't even say it's about touching...but just knowing that he's next to me....habits are the damnest thing...
And...he's on the warpath because he's doing all the things he knows I like...and that weaken me...everything except sex...I think it's been non verbally agreed that nothing like that is going on any time soon...lol, sounds silly and all....but I still believe it's needed...to keep my head on and straight...and make the most of the whole counseling thing....change can be HARDDDDDD...
I think I understand why some people would rather stay in there comfort zones than try anything new...even if might be better...it's too much of a process...to undergo unless it's unbearable to stay where you are....and in my case...it has been at times...
So, I fixed up the house...took my mother in law shopping...made lunch...cleaned up a bit more...and here I am...enjoying the quiet...
I have to take the little one to dance practice in about an hour...and pick up the other two right after that to take them to a cousin's birthday party....more in law family....YAY...blah...lol.
And it's back to work tomorrow again...I don't feel like I'm getting much rest....need to fix that...some hot showers and such...more walking....yoga perhaps...and lots of happy thoughts...
Having many many of those lately....life is pretty good, considering...
And I'm content that I'm at least taking some important steps....I know it'll take awhile for it all to be sorted out...and probably some uncomfy times....but, I'm on the boat...there's no jumping overboard now....
Need to slow down on the anxiety though...too much munching...I'm going to look like a cow soon...LOL...
Men...hmmm, let's see...what's there to be said about them today? The guy I work with...temperature of the day is....pretty cool...which is a great sign....I even told him that I felt as if things were settling back to normal...thank heavens...it was too weird. I mean, it'll never be exactly the same but....in fact closer as friends...and that's it...lol...I think it was all pretty silly to begin with and I'm very thankful that it didn't escalate....that would've been terrible.....and now with me moving away from him soon...it'll just fade away....not interested in getting myself into anything anywhere really....I think I feel...ok with the way my life is right now...I have a little bit of everything...just enough to keep me on my toes...so, I hope he gets it together when his son is born...with the new house...and child...I'm pretty sure he'll stop the crazy thoughts...and for his sake...I really wish that she can be what he needs...
As for Mr. T....hmmm....it's good. I have to say that I'm ok with the set up....perhaps with my new schedule...I'm gradually accepting alot better the way things have changed...and, I'd lie if I said I prefer things this way....but it's pretty good actually. Not too much...not too little....I'm not flying high in la la land...but I'm not frustrated either....I think that there's some trust there now...and, to be honest...why wouldn't there be? There's free will....no obligation....and we've chosen to stick around...the only difference? He knows almost everything I do and think....and I don't wonder so much about him anymore...I've accepted that communication is more one way...and it's not a bad thing...I think I know...everything that I need to know about him at this point...and the parts of him that I know...I like....so, it's all good. Yeah...I know...there's a hint of some bitchiness in that statement....I guess it's just the remainders of my old thought processes...no biggie...ok, enough thinking about this....no spoiling it...lol. Things are good as they are....and I don't have to look beyond today....it works for me right now...smiles.
It would be great to get to see him...if the whole trip thing works out...
I guess it will...if it's meant to...
The place is only an hour plus away from my family...so the extra days will be a must...don't think my boss will have an issue with it...would have to work out the details...lol....but, not stressing over it just yet....hope to get some confirmation by the end of the week though...to make my plans...if they can be made....lol...smiles...yep, would be really nice to see him again...and for some reason it feels right...not that it hasn't before...but almost like I don't have doubts...and I know what I want....but that's for a future blog...hehehe...
Okies...done here...getting sleepy and need to clean up somemore....no maid on Sundays just sucks....

The world through migraine glasses....

The day started well.....slept in, a bit uncomfy squished like a sandwich between the Mr. who seems to slowly make his way back to my bed...and my daughter that takes up half of the bed....I'm back to sleeping on my tummy....wonder why that is....need to read up on it to find out what that means...lol. Kills my sinuses, is all I can assure.
Got the kids ready and took them into the office.....they ordered lunch, loved it....and it was all fun and games...took them driving....my son is learning well...the girls enjoyed cruising on my lap....still fun....and then off to the mall to get our eyes checked....I need to get my glasses, as done my son...but no luck, doc was out and won't be in until Monday...another week wasted on that one....
and the mall trip began the madness....boy pulls towards his interests...the girls outweigh him...and we end up looking at girl stuff....they poke and bug all throughout the way....mom breathes deep and off we go....earrings for the girls...books for all, including mom....clothes hunt for one of the girls no luck...so off to boy land....get some clothes for him too...in the midst of complaining, nagging, more poking and whining...mom is getting tired...and starts warning....the trip continues...as does all the rest....we have to visit grandma that had a rough night...high blood pressure...so we decide on ice cream....no chocolate for mom...that sucks...so the kids want to try new flavors...mean time the line gets longer....and making honor of their genes, they can't make up their mind...and take forever...and when I ask them to hurry...the ATTITUDE....so, mom turns around and starts walking out of the mall...kids follow...they're dropped off at home....mom goes and visits grandma alone...and along comes the migraine....lol.
So, here I am....some pain meds later...and some water...writing while I can feel the muscles in my neck as stiff as can be....5 hours of non stop kids...is just not for me....
But, I hope to find some peace in writing...as the kids get ready...the two oldest are getting ready for a dinner invitation at a friend's house to celebrate the holiday....yeah, could have grounded them...but it's actually a treat for me to have some peace and quiet....if the little one behaves. Maid will be out, so it's me and the baby....the mr. will probably be very late...
So, on my way home I was thinking....
On migraine days....as I was feeling compelled to call him....what am I going to do, if we do decide to end the marriage?
Who am I going to call?....
I mean, the answer seems simple...noone...and I'll have to rough it like every other mortal does...but, how difficult!
My family isn't too helpful in these situations...and my best friends are very far away....hmmm...what a dilemma....but, not impossible to handle, I don't think....I need to learn to be independant...and plus, the kids are here....
I don't do pain well though....and one of the reasons I've been holding up so well lately is because the mr. makes sure I have some TLC while he's home...I don't acknowledge much of it....but it really helps....am I just avoiding? Probably...but it's alot to take away at once...he needs and wants the closeness obviously...and it doesn't bother me...lol...so, why suffer more than needed?
It's not like we really know how this is all going to end....so, why panic so soon, right?
But, I find it pretty funny how my mind does freak out when I think of moments of crisis without my usual support team...even if that team is only one person...and it's not like he does much....but, he's around...and cares....and I kinda like that...
I do know that we live this life on our owns though...we're essentially alone...and we can only count on ourselves...but, some support is good at times...
And as I write...the pain is somewhat lifted....sighs...what a relief! I'm getting less tolerant to pain as I get older...lol funny...it should be the other way around...
And just as I write about stress being less, and pain getting better...one of the little ones needs to come and nag...lol Mom, come help me find something to wear!!!! Mommmmmmmmmmmm!!!
And, the little marble in my head starts bouncing up and down again....big sigh....
The venting helped though...so, until next time....

The vagina monologues....

Saw it on HBO last night....too funny....thought it was pretty insightful actually...and I felt in good company as far as the women of the world raised with taboos and inadequate feelings towards themselves...their bodies...their sexuality....but, fortunately...those days are over....and slowly but surely I am building what will be the foundation of the rest of my life....feeling completely comfortable in my skin...whether the world likes it...or not....it's my life....and my vagina...LOL...
Seriously though...I think the importance of a woman's vagina is grossly underrated....it's a sacred little temple of pleasure and fun...lol....but, then again so can the whole body be...if used wisely...
The mind though...is of course...the most powerful piece of the puzzle...and it controls everything...from making the whole experience a blessing...or a curse....
Lack of sex has me writing about my vagina...this is a hoot! But, it almost feels like sexual rehab...where I'm cleansing my erotic soul so that I can start anew fresh....whatever that means.
The truth is...sex is good...damn is it good...when it's good....because it can be bad...when it's bad...lol...but on a day like today...bad would do LOL....not. I actually thought about it on my way home...ok, so I can make an arrangement with hubby...sex, and go on as usual...just scratch the itch...but somehow and even in the midst of horniness....it sounds wrong....so, no deal.
It'll feel worse afterwards..so, racey dreams....and lots of me, myself and I action....lol...and boy do I have ammo today....laughing....had a thought on my way home that froze my entire body and sent a shock through it....what was it? damn...can't even remember it now...must have busted a neuron in the process....but it was HOT. Maybe I'll figure it out before the blog is over...
So...back to the vagina....lol....I thought it was interesting what they said about the clitoris and that it's sole purpose is to produce pleasure...that all it's made for...and that it has more nervous ends than a penis...not surprising though...lol...we rock....
Ok....after interruptions here every 5 seconds...intense family....let's see if I can get back on track here....where was I? My mind is kind of all over the place today.....but that's a good thing...
Another interruption...I need to murder a child....
Sighs....I guess I'll get these thoughts out during the weekend....my son just won't let up....attention freak...wonder who he gets it from.
Part 2 of this Blog....not sure I had actually stopped and waited a day to continue but...it's all about adaptability...so, perhaps this is also an acceptable way to blog....lol.
I make the rules around here...and there....and everwhere...
Let me just read what I had wrote to see if I can continue on the same note...or if today....we're on a different one...lol.
Ok, so here we go again....the more I listened to the monologues the more I related to the fact that women have been taught and expected to not enjoy sex as much as men...because, well...it was wrong...and women are subjected to much more abuse sexually.....than men...I mean, when was the last time a woman raped a man??? Why is that though? What is it about women....that men have been a career of taking advantage, humiliated....repressed and abused them throughout history....maybe they feel threatened by our strength? I mean, look at it from a need standpoint...men are so weak when it comes to women...could it be that we're their kryptonite and they've kept us on a leesh because of it? Who hasn't seen the damage a woman's wrath can do...or her passion...or drive? Women can be as soft as silk but as dangerous as a sharp sword....we represent the balance...we have it all...men, on the other hand....have something...lol, not really sure what it is....but we have so much more...
The complexity of women...our depth....or ability to sense...and perceive...to adjust or adapt....to feel...no wonder we're a threat....we're IT. We can have kids....and as the bumper sticker says...we bleed for days and don't die...lmao. We can be strong as an oak....when needed....we take the weight of the world while raising the family....we can sense when the children need more attention...or love....while dad is all about discipline and providing....not much emotional output...lol...like that term. Women are nice to look at....ok, some men are too....women have an energy that guys just don't have....it's like this aura....the way we laugh....and just use our whole bodies to make a point...lol, guys are much more simple that way....
Our vocabulary is way larger....because we speak the spoken and the unspoken....we can read the lines in between the lines and make up the lines...lol, we're perseverant....and a royal pain in the ass when we don't get our way....we're curious and demanding....and independant but love to be with someone....I don't think I had ever been so grateful for being a woman....now that I'm finding out what that really means....and all the benefits it brings...and how to work around the restrictions...such as in work environments...I think I'm learning how to work the system....give the guys the image they want...but keep the brains...and get what I want...lol.
Women have depth....many many layers....are do they? Or am I just describing myself? lol...well, I'm sure there are some kindred souls out there....
Women struggle....and think alot....and wonder....guys play ball...and drink and eat...and look around to see if they can spot a pretty woman....to feast over....fantasize about....and then go home and dream about her....or in the best case...go over and actually talk to her....
Women have so much power over men...it's not even funny....sexually speaking especially....I mean, I've seen it first hand and I've not even been out there...lol....it's like this desperate need to be inside of a women....smell her...taste her...feel here....they lose their minds...lol...perhaps it's true about the oxygen flow not being enough for both heads....ha!
What some batty eyelashes and a big smile can accomplish....hehehe....without being too obvious of course....don't want to come across as an air head...although that sometimes does the trick too...lmao...I've learned that ditzy can get me places too...so playing not so smart has been useful at times....not sure how successfully I pull it off though....hehehe...
Men don't want to be intimidated by a woman....that seems stronger than they are...so, you need to balance it out...wow....now that I think of it...women influence men...lol not to say manipulate them all the time...do they even notice it?
Well...yeah, probably the rarest species alive....the smart man....LOL
There are still some of those around....I'd know....I have a tendency of finding them....no brains is a turn off....doesn't have to be intellectual...although wouldn't complain about that.....but someone who can definitaley juggle between some deep random thoughts and the remote...LOL
I think women can shape a man's mind...but the same is true in reverse....we allow the people we like to influence us somewhat...and without losing our individuality....we do compromise....some more than others...some like to play hard ball...lmao....
Which brings my mind back to sex again....sighs.....why is it that I like to be touched so much? Doesn't even have to be a sexual touch....but, I do enjoy it on certain areas of my body more than other....my feet....my calfs....my tush....like it there alot....very gentle...tip of his fingers almost tickling....my belly....love it there....my back....my neck....my face, believe it or not....just the running of his fingers like he's drawing my face...or put more romantically....trying to remember it and save it through his touch....and of course my breasts....and last but probably the most sensitive places....my inner thighs....and right THERE. So, I don't have a place that I don't like to be touched....lol. I can just lose myself....if I'm being caressed all over....love it...doesn't everyone though? Some of us just indulge in it...some don't....silly people...
I'd say that I like someone's lips and tongue in just about all the same places....yummy! Starting point the neck....my lips....my tongue....my nipples....things can get a little rough there....and I like it.....my belly buttin....my inner thighs....and again....right THERE...lol. 35 years old...and that's the best way I can label it...lmao. But hey....can't name it....but feel amazing using it...so, that's progress in my book....plus not labeling something isn't always a bad thing...lesson learned.
Oh my fingers.....they can be played with too...like it lots....the whole exchange of finger sucking excites me to no end....especially if it's guided....I like to be guided a bit in the bedroom...letting go....turns me on....enough control in life...don't need to be so controlling in bed....although sometimes that's good too....
There's something about tongues rubbing each other...I have to say....that's one of the sensations that I enjoy the most....why? Not a clue....perhaps because it starts with a tingle here and tingle here...until I can feel little electric jolts all over...like my tongue is connected to the rest of my body....hmmm....yep, sure do like that feeling....
Being watched....is a huge turn on....now of course....had I been asked years back I would have freaked out....but, I think that knowing that it's hot for the person watching....it's exciting for me too...power trip perhaps? Well...there must be some of that...and I sure do know that I like it.
To see a man struggle....holding back....or just enjoying himself to the point of losing control....WOW. That...is a huge turn on....
When I'm given certain instructions.....if it's at the right time....like it too...especially if it surprises me...which it has in the past. I remember a time when, and because of my lack of experience...I had NEVER been asked to suck it...after it's been inside of me....lol, and I was asked....on the very first time...I was with this person....blew me away...didn't freeze...just went ahead...did it...liked it...lol....I don't even think he knew or knows...how many little things....were first times for me....and will probably continue to be....
Yesterday.....I sat at the end of my bed....and just dropped my body back so that my legs were dangling off of the edge....and....I spread my legs....and imagined....that he was there...as he has been....many times....touching me....and kissing me....so, I slowly reached down into my clothes....and began to play....with my eyes closed...picturing him....and feeling him....of course...not nearly as good...lol....but, my imagination was doing it's job....and it was amazing....when I finally came....it was intense....hard....and it made me laugh....because it was so good....and I'm not a quiet one....even when I'm alone...can't be....so had to muffle the sounds with a pillow....so that noone could hear me outside....the room was almost dark....and cool....I then took off all of my clothes....and took a nap....felt great!
Hmmm....sounds like a good idea....maybe I'll do some la la land traveling before heading out to work today....smiles...
Till next time....hot and bothered signing off....

Impatient....

It could be all the chocolate ice cream, or again...PMS....or the fact that it's been raining....or work stress....or home stress....or everything altogether...but I'm kind of impatient today. I began giddy, hyper and now I'm kinda pissy...lol. It's pretty cool though to have as many colors as a paint palette in all of it's shades....sometimes. Other times it can be overwhelming.
Working on the hidden skeletons can be an exhausting exercise....and I've begun what feels like the beginning of emotional olympics training, so I guess I can expect some muscles to be sensitive...lol...after all...I'm not too keen on the whole warm up piece....
What would I do without metaphors...or analogies...how can anyone live without them? It totally illustrates thoughts and feelings...doesn't it? LOL...to me anyhow...
If I could take my emotional temperature though....I don't have a fever...and I'm not hypothermic either....hmmmm...what does it feel like? uhmmmm....uhmmmm....dry? dehydrated? yeah...that sounds like a term I can use for this....I'm running low on the warm and fuzzies...and I soooooo like them! It's been a full week or so, that nobody has given me a compliment....lol, pathetic...but hey, we all have our addictions....oh, and sex? That's a bad word in this house these days...maybe that's why I'm getting cranky? BINGO! I think I nailed it....or not...lmao...can women nail? Hmmm...don't think so...from an anatomy standpoint...the nailing I would believe equates to the phsyical pounding and thrusting of the male's reproductive organ into the female's genitalia...lmao...clinical...just the way I like it....hehehe....and, women by nature...unless wearing a strap on...can't...laughing....just reminded me of the last episode of the L word....and omg....Grey's new season starts this week! YAY! Back to living vicariously through mcTony....oops...dreamy...and Rebeccadith....oops Meredith....LAUGHING REALLY HARD NOW...can't believe I wrote that...doesn't even seem to apply these days...but I guess, that no matter where I am emotionally...that series will always remind me of the lebanese connection...lol. But we're passed that stage....thank heavens!
Not elaborated on that whole rollercoaster now....I'm finding my zen place here in all this blabbing...no desire to knock it all to hell with irrational crap....lmao....
Ok....back on track here with my random but fun thoughts....what else do I want to rant about? Lack of sex, again? laughing....I'm pretty sure that's what it is...and it's hilarious because I didn't think of it, until I started writing....easily fixable....but don't want to go down that road...could be confusing....and I can make due on my own...lmao....I'm getting lazy on that front though....too spoiled...have had it good...don't want to make an effort on my own...lol...so sad....but, what can I say? I've been ruined....
Well, now that I've identified the issue...no sense in elaborating...would only get me all worked up and nowhere to go....lol. Cranky me tuning out....

Balance....

Not too high or too low today....in a content middle...feels nice. The holidays have come and gone...spiritual cleansing...done...family gathering...done...and on we go to regular times....hectic regular times...lol. So, counseling went well.....I liked the therapist....very zen...she seems like a self made woman...right up my alley....no bs...right to the point...well worth the money, in my opinion.
She began with him...very PC....lol...making him feel important...my kind of gal...lol....and then with me...I kept it very factual...with a smile...no major break downs....thank heavens...almost like I was too calm....but, it was the first session....no biggie. Her take on it? Well....she asked him if he had a learning disability...and I thought that was...BRILLIANT....I've told him over the years that he must have...no disrespect or anything...but being a teacher for 3 years....I can tell those things...and what I have predicted was that back in the day when there wasn't much knowledge on learning disabilities...these kids were deemed as discipline issues...as he was...and he had to be nursed through school....but then in college, did great! Then, we went on to his ROBOCOP tendencies...as I've labeled them....how he needs to be clean...doesn't allow contact if he's sweaty...lol...needs to put his stuff in a certain way...has rituals of all sorts...that have decreased over the years due to my constant nagging...lol...so, as I had also joked about so many times...she actually implied that he might have some OCD characteristics...LOL...the good news? I'm not crazy....and I could see this..for years...the bad news? I'm not crazy...and we have a problem, Houston...probably bigger than I thought...and not even his fault...sighs...
She also commented about me...and my anxiety...and obvious bipolar characteristics...LOL...but I knew all that already....as she said...I don't have a condition or anything like that, but I'm a clear tempered basket case....but, so have been many many important people in history....HA!
So her take on it is....that we both have damaged equipment...so we're in no shape to be in the emotional olympics right now....my analogy...not hers...lol....and that we need to first have a complete individual check up to get in shape...so that we can then...discuss group sports....lol.
We have scheduled individual sessions next week....and then, we'll see...
Something changed for me during the session though...I realized that I don't need to be so hard on him or myself...and not self impose anything ridiculous like not speaking to him much...so, we've watched tv together...shared snacks...although bedtime is still in separate quarters...
I think that's actually healthy...that we each have space to work these things out....
I cooked all day on Saturday to break the fast.....brisket with corn....ropa vieja with beans and peppers...matzah ball soup...rice....started the night before braising the beef...it was fun...and for the first time...in YEARS...with my mother in law at the table...he thanked me, and told everyone that I had spent all day in the hot kitchen cooking up the meal...while fasting....and he made a big deal out of it....some appreciation, was very much...appreciated! lol
He told the therapist that although he knows that I am convinced that he doesn't love me...that he is more in love with me now, than he was years ago....and by golly I must be human at some level...because I really liked to hear that....for like 3 seconds...until I realized...words words...
The irony....I ask some for...words...and others...for more than words...lol...I'm just never satisifed! But hey...no great discovery there....
Anywho....I think it was a good start....I felt better walking out of there....albeit the awareness that we might be dealing with much deeper issues than I had thought....but, if we need to dig deep and get ugly...for a great good....then why the heck not? I mean, we've invested plenty into this marriage thing....kids and all...and, I want to....at least try to figure this out. At some level, to also find out if I'm really not good at relationships or I have other things going on with me...which to some extent, I kinda know....but would like some more formal insight....and also to understand why this particular relationship has been so difficult to make work....
I do have a greater sense of empathy with him though...I mean, if he's been walking around for decades with untreated shit...then, no wonder his brain backfires at times...with the stress and all...the way she explained it, is that any learning dissability coupled with OCD tendencies affect the brain's executive functions, therefore when under stress they freeze...or create the need to become impulsive or even violent....and, it does sound like a reasonable theory....
And I live a mile a minute...so there's no way he could have kept up....what a complex combination of personalities....
I do want him to be ok....no matter what the outcome here...so, this is really all good.
Okies...till whenever I feel like writing next....

A reason to cry....

Although there might be many....I can't bring myself to cying for sake of crying...I need a reason. And when I'm at a loss...and still need to let it all out...I'll focus on maybe a little thing...that isn't working the way I want it to. Pathetic, I know...but...I'm only human.
Today....after dealing with husband issues...and realizing that I won't be getting any cuddles or kisses in potentially a long time...I felt like crying....what can I say? I need that....
The stroke of my hair...the warmth of arms around me....someone telling me that everything will be ok...and a bear hug...that forces me to let out a big sigh...or relief....satisfaction....happiness...or even sadness....but to feel the energy from someone who cares....goes a long way...
I'm depriving myself from it....on purpose...for the greater good...but the sad reality is...that I might go very long without it...hopefully though, I will fill in the void with productive and maybe more long termish fulfilment...and not the quick fixes...that over the years have ultimately not made me happy.
So, I have my kids...for the warm and fuzzies...and I can baby myself...be kind to myself...develop a relationship with ME...after all, that's probably the closest one I'll have...and the one I'll have to handle until I die...lol.
Try new things...foods...places....I really want to do that....experience life...to the fullest....without anyone's judgement or criticism...why do I need by other people's standards anyway? When it's all said and done...it'll be about the moments I shared...and the people I shared them with...not taking anything else with me...
But, even while I know all this and rationally speaking it all fits...I sometimes feel like crying...
I cry for what could have been but wasn't....for the precious time invested...or wasted...lol...trying to be PC here...hehehe...I cry for the things that I would have preferred not to have experienced, and the losses I've suffered and will continue to suffer....I cry for the circumstances that made me hard...and sometimes perceived as cold....I cry because I know that deep down there's still a helpless little girl...just wanting to find her place in the world...I cry because I want my kids to be happy...and because I want to take someone's breath away...I cry at weddings...hoping to one day find someone that lives to look into my eyes...
I cry when I see people in love...because I want someone to show me love....overflowing, crazy...scream it on the top of a tree kind of love....someone who would something over the top for me....I cry when I realize that I'm not 20 anymore...and the likelyhood of finding that someone becomes less possible as years go on...
I cry when I see tenderness....in the way that I know I can feel...but work so hard on hiding...
I cry when I realize the self imposed restraints that I've carried around for years...
I cry when I miss my mom....and wish that she could see how I've turned out...and that I could hug her...
I cry when I remember how little hugs I received as a kid...and why I need them so much now...
I cry when I think of the walls I build around me....that isolate me from the possibility of love and affection...
and...well, I just cry for the hell of it sometimes...lol. For no aparent reasons...or for all of the above...
I cry for nothing....and everything....smiles.
It does heal though...as much as it congests my sinuses, gives me a headache and makes me puffy like a toad...lol....it does heal...and lifts the weight of the world at times...
In my car....in the shower...before falling asleep...you name it...I've cried there...
Few times in front of others....because I feel pain...frustration....or feel SOMETHING...and it throws me off....heck I've cried for things as bizarre as from an amazing earth shatteting orgasm!
Knocked me on butt...and I felt this need to cry...how embarassing is that? Poor guy...I don't think that flatters anyone...
I cry with sappy movies....and babies...and pets....and when I look at my beautiful children all grown up....thinking back when they were little....and how much they mean to me...
I cry when I'm angry sometimes too!
So, I cried today...let it all out...ruined my make up...puffed up like a toad...sat in the car in the parking lot...and weeped....then, about 10 minutes later...wiped the tears...fixed my hair...and went upstairs to my apartment....and it was all smiles from then on...felt good...I can sleep soundly tonight....I cried.
I might need to cry alot in the future...but it's therapeutic....it's cleansing of the soul...and eyes...and mind....it's a break down...before the build up...it's the storm before the rainbow...it's emotions...before reasons...
But I'll be ok....

Waiting to exhale....

I can understand the true meaning of that statement better than ever, this morning. After sleeping with my daughter in my room for days, and living what seems to be a temporary but civilized arrangement of my husband on the couch....he left me a note this morning saying goodbye. Is it permanent? His things are still here....my guess is, he's trying to let go...a little at a time.
My first reaction? Cry...couldn't breathe...walked around...went to see the kids sleep....and it was ok again...I thought about the little and the big things that have brought me to this...and I could breathe again...it's hard, difficult....painful, but I believe...necessary at this point. Whatever the outcome may be....change is a must in this house now....
I'm no longer kidding myself....this can be a stinger...and I can predict grief and troublesome times ahead..but I can also see a light at the end of the tunnel...that with things as they are....I see dim a little more each day...
I'm scared....and sad...and alot of other feelings that I can't really put my finger on....and I can foresee many emotional roller coasters...and a long long process ahead of me of ups and downs for everyone...but I feel confident that it needs to happen, for me...for them...for him...for us all.
It's only fair that we all pursue our idea of being happy...and the current arrangement isn't doing it for any of us...as much as we work hide on portraying and even believing that it does...
It's easier to hide under the comfort of the known...even though it's not what we truly need in the end...than to explore the uknown and all the heartache the search might bring along...but, it's only one life that we get...and I really believe that we all deserve to live it to the best of our abilities...even if making choices, means making mistakes...we'll learn...
I'm not in the pro's and con's stage yet...I'm just kinda riding the waves and adapting to the new form of reality with it's subtle change...he's out of the room...first time in 16 years...it has been me with the kids before...he won't so much as walk into what has been our room...it's serious this time...we've gone to dinner as a family...sat next to each other...been civil...smiled...told jokes...but we get home...and sleep apart...I can see this dynamic becoming a form of life.
I love him...like him...care about him...but we're not good for each other as a married couple...
But, I'm not going to go into the reasons today....it would be too exhausting....I think I'll just stay at...change...small, baby step changes...
I spoke to my son about this yesterday....had a heart to heart....he asked me how long this would last...I explained that adults have to work on things their own way...that I understand his concerns...but to remember that we love him and that our differences have nothing to do with him...that we would be on the same boat even if he brought home straight a's....always listened...and was nice to his sisters....
I explained that...it sucks...and we're all upset, because we all care about each other...but that everyone deserves to pursue happiness...or to give up when they can't find it....and that I don't know what's going to happen, but that whatever does...will never change the bond he has with me...or with his father...and that as always and forever...our biggest accomplishment has been them...they have been our success....
I think he understood....he's such a mature little boy....but this is life...and I can't continue to shield them from what is...I'd rather give them the tools to live full lives themselves...no sarcasm...no put downs...with respect towards their father...a good, civil arrangement.
I can only hope things stay this way....which is why I've kept my mouth shut....I don't want to rock the boat...what a sad morning...and it's raining...
I've been reading articles...on separation...the children...how to handle it...and the first thing is not to isolate myself or dwell on the situation...so I'm heading to the office and have a full day planned with the kids...it's going on a week of this....and then will come another...until, it's what is...damn it hurts....but, I'll survive, I always do....

Technical malfunction version 2007

So, when male genitalia was created I guess no one took the time to do some test drives to ensure that technical malfunctions weren't often, or that the warranty wouldn't just wear off after 30 something....but, is it really technical or, is the motivator battery hooked to a different source?
It's very VERY difficult to stay above and smile when the mere presence of a beautiful young and healthy woman isn't immediately arousing....but wait, I didn't mention she's his wife...lol. The irony of it all, is that....she's desired by other men...yet has to go through unneccesary grief with him.
Granted...not all the time...but enough to slowly and painfully remind her of reality....this is what is...and will be...for many years to come...and she needs to be graceful and loving regardless....sighs.
So, what inspires him to be good and ready at strange hours? Am I just a parking lot? Because more times than not...when I lead the way...the equipment just goes on strike....it's mental, so where is his mind?
I obviously still care...if it knocks me on my ass...it makes me very sad...and frustrated...where, I know that I am desired...just maybe not by him? Yes, I know I'm exagerating and that it's probably not nearly as bad as I'm portraying it...but, it certainly feels that way.
What is on his mind? Why does this happen? And why do I need to go through this????
It makes me feel....so little...and insignificant....and sad....and hopeless....and angry. And no matter how many people tell me how amazing I am....all it takes is 5 minutes of this....to rip it all away....and the doubts creep in....and the insecurities....why is he here? Is it the kids? Why am I here? Is it fear and the need for comfort? Is everything else worth, those 5 minutes? Should anyone have to go through this? Why is it...that no matter how long things are great....those 5 minutes just ruin everything? Why can't I move on? Why do I fear those 5 minutes every time I even attempt something? I would like to have a normal marriage...one that works...and I would like to take the lead on something so important in the relationship....but, because of days like today...I dread it...it's like I never know what the mood will be. Will I be lucky this time...or will my self esteem take another hit? How does he feel about it? Not good I'm sure...why can't we even talk about it anymore? Why do I hate him when it happens? I'm fucking hot g'd damnit! What the hell is wrong with him???? I mean....it's not like I don't know the effect I can have on a man....and it's not like I don't know that if I was someone else...he'd be all over it....then, why are we sometimes damaged that way????Deep breath....
How the hell did I get to be 35 and so damn frustrated? The life that goes on inside of me...is just one big mess....and yes, I know...it's not all bad...kids are well...foods on the table...roof over my head...bla bla...good man...but, what about my soul? Who cares for that? Don't I deserve a normal and healthy intimate life? I guess I need to stop fighting it...and learn to accept that I'll never have anything near normalcy....and that I just need to do what I need to....to get through the days...shit, what a crappy way to start the day...sighs.
So, here I go...again...deep breaths...suck it up...pretend nothing happened...and go on my merry way...until I have a panic attack or nervous break down from holding in so much dirt....
What can I possibly do to fix this? My attitude? Hell....I've been at this for almost 20 years....I think there's a limit to hope and faith....plus the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result....yep, I'm textbook insane!
I hate that I've chosen to live a life that isn't really one that fulfils my wants and needs....and at the end of the day doesn't really make me happy. I don't think I can make him happy or he can me, for that matter...but here we are...cowards....wasting the best years of our lives...on someone who doesn't want to be here. That's the bottom line...I don't think he really wants to be here...and it manifests in moments like this morning...but he's too scared to change his life...and doesn't want to be away from his children...this really sucks.
I know that I'm assuming as I usually do...and I might be wrong...and I might be blowing things out of proportion...but, my self esteem just took another hit of so so SOOOOOOOOOO many....that it makes it hard to be objective here.
Oh well....so I vented....now off to the grocery store with a chip on my shoulder and yet another reason to feel crappy....lol. Gotta luv it though...
And put on a big ole smile....cuz god forbid I make HIM feel bad....end of times...gotta be the good little housewife that takes the good in squirts and the bad in buckets...and eats it all up. HA!
If I had a magic wand.....

More days like today.....

So much for my silly resolutions...no more blogging...won't talk to him anymore...don't care about anyone...lol, there's a reason this is called the flip flop diaries...I've made flip flopping an art form!
Migraine aside...I wish I had more days like today...maybe my body gives in and my brain takes a rest, and I'm more available to see the good in everyone...what is it?
It's nice to feel that people care....I mean, today for instance...I felt crappy, the girls that work with me brought me home...everyone tended to me...yep, attention...I absolutely love it! But what else is new?
I spoke to him.....and without intending to sound corny...his voice is soothing...but I've always thought that...I like the man...and that's a fact. And it's almost like we're meant to stay connected no matter what....could it be that I've been in denial and that him and I will be an item no matter how much time goes by, and what the circumstances are? It certainly feels that way...today.
When we connect...and make sense...we're so good together...maybe it's not supposed to be good all the time, and like everything else worth while in life it needs to be worked on? Yep...I'm actually making sense today...must be the meds...lol.
And of course the fact that I got what I've been wanting....hehehe....he said he misses me...and even went into giving me details...wow! LMAO...my goodness, the silliest little things that really mean something when you care about someone...
I really miss him too....alot. But today it doesn't feel like heavy and shitty but more so...sweet and peaceful...my brain accepts it...today. Ha!
Maybe I need to show the sweetness that I've been asking him to show me....and if I feel like telling him what's on my mind...then, so be it...regardless of what he may or may not say...
Smiles...he told me that he misses me...and that's the highlight of my day today....I'm so easy when it comes to him....NOT! But, seriously though...that man really means alot to me...what is it about him though? That he's stood his ground? Yes...as much as I hate it...the fact that he's consistent and doesn't budge is a huge turn on...lol...and that he can set me straight when he needs to...he's a MAN! LOL...I haven't met many that do that...and I guess that's where everything has lots it's charm....the fact that he doesn't sell out is appealing....and I can bitch and moan and if he doesn't want to do or say something...he won't. Hate it at times...but it's one more reason to love the man....and boy do I....lmao. And you know what? I'm starting to feel comfortable knowing that...like it's a fact, not a burden, or a mistake...or anything negative....he's an important part of my life....and I love him very much, so there!
I would dare say he does love me back....I just want to hear it...lol. But, in my gutt...I can feel it.
I want to see him....and hug him...and look into his eyes...and feel stupid and weak, and idiotic...and love it....and enjoy all of him...and allow him to enjoy all of me...without any bs....why can't I stay in this mood forever? We'd be so happy...lol.
So here I am, in pain...but smiling....because of my chinese food. Yep, I said mine...because as far as I'm concerned...we have each other...the details of the arrangement aren't important right now...so shuttup brain...lol. I'm on a high here....and want to stay there...so let me dream up all I want...lol.
Talking to him today was almost as good as having his arms around me....and I really needed that today. Sometimes I do....but, I'm not going to go down that road and get all sad here....
If he were here, he'd say not need...want....lol...semantics...who gives a shit? lololol...
More smiles....yep, I do wish I had more days like today...maybe I can help them by working on keeping this mindset?
I can imagine his face, as we talk over the phone...and his expressions....when he gets frustrated with me...lol...and when his eyes light up when I say something funny....or he realizes that I'm too much for him to handle...lol...I wonder how many times he's thought that...
If he was here right now....I'd ask him to stay still....while I made love to him...I'd ask him to not even move....while I do everything...lol...why did that thought cross my mind? I haven't the slightest clue...but, it's there...lol, and it looks and feels very very good...
Today's a good day...let's freeze it in time...with this blog....till tomorrow...

What's the point?

PMS has me in a foul mood...and the stars and planets aren't helping. Everything and anything bothers me today....and my poor choices are coming back to bite me. On a day like today where I could use some friends...I've realized that the few I have...either don't know me well enough to hear me vent...and those that do, aren't public friends that I can just pick up a phone a call to talk. Thank heavens for Yael today though...maybe that's the closest I'll get to a real relationship...I said, feel like shit...bam, she calls. Perhaps female friends are the smarter choice...not the married males...that I've either slept with or kissed...lol. My choices have just be soooooo smart....not.
I'm angry, annoyed...maybe change is kicking me in the butt...the conmuting...the different people...the out of my comfort zone thing...but, it's probably for the best. I can feel that my life will change...and I'm the only one fighting against it. I mean, truthfully...I know....that what I have dreaded for months...is slowly coming to pass...sighs...I'm hanging on with the tip of my fingers...but, what's the point?
So, in a month it'll all be over...and I'm going to let go, and move on...and life goes on...and the ocassional e-mail, and postcard...and birthday greeting will come in to replace daily, hourly...all the time contact....well, it's been a very long time since all that anyway...I should be used to it by now...but, I'm too stubborn to accept it. I'll have to eventually...it's out of my hands.
Different people...different location....an end of an era...a beginning of a new one...and the growth continues...and onto different stories...and circumstances...and focus on work...and more work.
Gotta love work...keeps my mind occupied...and the new program will do just that...love the structure and the team seems pretty strong...change is good, so....what's wrong?
It's out of my hands...that's wrong...I've spent my life shying away from people, and relationships...and now that I'm ready to taken them all on...what's the point?
My marriage.....yes, I don't write much about...it, but it may be time to get honest here...what is it about the one relationship I should be focusing on here...that isn't of my entire satisfaction?
Ok....this may be the toughest blog to cough up but in the interest of therapy and growth...here it goes...seriously...I've say here day in and day out and blabbed about people that....at the end...I have no claim over...and there actions or lack thereof...don't affect me...or shouldn't...but their spouses instead....yes, spoken like a true slut...LOL.
Anywho....back to the man in my life....the real one....the only one, at the end of the day....
When I think of him...good man comes to mind...sweet, well intended, hard working...good man.
Slow, pasive...temperamental...stubborn....simple....great dad. Nice, most of the time...or at least he used to be...before I taught him how to be mean....and before some other woman gave him the self esteem that now allows him to get sarcastic with me...lol. Not a laughing matter really...but instead very very sad....all my doing though...so can't really complain...but, how did all start?
Nope...not going into ancient history or the day where I'd cry myself to sleep when he'd ignore me...for months...was I just too blind to see that something else was going on? Was it?
He doesn't love me....not the way I'd like him to...or would have liked him to a long long time ago...lol, noone does right now...fucking amazing, eh?
Thoughts like that make me hate being me right now.....how needy and pathetic is a human being that feels that she's not loved? But, I'm not...and that's the truth.
Not as a woman....not as someone that a man would purposely want to spend his life with...I guess I'm too difficult....yep, I probably am. But, I can be pretty damn amazing too....can't anybody see that? Sighs....I need to sleep for a few years and get over this pitty party shit...it's stupid, and besides....what's the point?
My husband isn't going to wake up one day and become what I need...what the fuck DO I need?
So simple....and so very very difficult to get....attention.
Someone to look at me, like they've seen what they've been waiting for their whole life...lmao....yeah, I don't ask for much, do I?
It does happen to some people...doesn't it?
Yes, it's work...and doesn't happen like in the movies...overnight....but, with things as they are in my life right now....what's the point in even trying? It all feels so fake....like I'm masking something else...
But back to the marriage...so, I dove into the fairy tale thinking that he was prince charming and I had no clue on how to be the princess....no experience him and I...two very sheltered and severely mentally screwed individuals...so far, not much different than most couples anyway...lol.
But my expectations were sooooooooooooo high...as they always are...and they were ripped from me...slowly...and painfully....I mean, he would fall asleep on our honeymoon...just like anyone's dream wedding...full of arguments....honeymoon not as I wanted it...ok, but that's all history now...what else?
Me having to resolve things...not being able to count on him for the important things...not feeling safe with him anymore...I used to feel like I could do anything if he was with me....now, I feel like I can only truly count on myself....we've both hurt each other....intentionally and non intentionally...but it's done...and we're damaged....
Years of disfunctionality can't be fixed with a few kisses and hugs....first, there was no sex...then shitty sex....and now there's sex....mostly just sex....who is he thinking about? who am I thinking about? What a messed up situation....
It's like what I thought to be sacred is tarnished...and rotten...and we can't find our way back...and it makes me very sad...because I do love him, at the end of the day...but, what's the point? We don't even speak the same language...and he's not the man I thought he would be...better than anyone...he strayed too! He's just a man...a common, ordinary...flawed just like anyone else...man. How dare he? lol
And I try...I do try...and he does too...sometimes....nevermind...this isn't getting me anywhere....writing doesn't change what is...I just vent...and even that...seems like a waste of time, sometimes...
The truth is....I'm angry...and holding it in....and it makes me angrier....lol...not to be able to call a spade a spade....and tell people to go sit on a cactus and spin on a day like today....
The sad part is....I don't have much reason to be angry, really....no one has lied to me...and I know what is...and what's not...I just can't seem to accept it....in time, hopefully...because....hold onto it...what's the point????
I need to let go....
go back into my little cave where I was months ago....and get rid of the feelings...or at least go back to not showing them....what's the point of them anyway?????
Just let go...I will though...I have to...I can't let things get to me this way anymore...
I need to toughen up....and cut the bs....all that softening me up...for what???? I was happier when I was a bitch...
Taking a break from this stupid blog that isn't doing shit for me these day....and a break from being an idiot....

Out of the fog....

Feeling much better....headache is gone, and the cousin's birthday party this afternoon changed the mood somewhat....catching up with people I hadn't seen in awhile...was nice. Maybe I need to get out more...lol. Nah...then I'd get sick of people...god I'm an oger...lmao.
So...the only reason I came on here to write was because I wanted to get some thoughts off of my brain...and then go out to dinner...and to bed....tomorrow's another work day...hectic, busy and fun...lol...no maid, so...some added stress there...but no biggie...as long as my brain is working well, and no pain is lingering...I can manage.
So, I guess what he asked has stuck in my brain...why? Why do I feel the way that I do about him...and, I wanted to put it down, as it comes to mind...to maybe understand better what it's all about...that's what this blog is about I think...writing down my thoughts to work through the bad ones...and reinforce the good ones...and at the end of the day get to know myself better...or at least try...lol.
Ok...so, he's a kind man. How do I know that? Well...the way he treats people, from what I've seen is that of a considerate and kind person. He's attentive, and tries to make the people around him feel good...yes, maybe those he doesn't know too well...and it's more of a superficial thing...harder for him to keep up as the plot thickens...I think he manages it well, when he's not asked to do it...and it just flows...but if he's required to...or expected to...things change...but, maybe my perception is a little biased, because I'm not in a typical situation with him...
At work, I remember him going out of his way to please people...and being nice...and joking...and charming...and that's what he's normally like...and as all of us mere mortals can have the ocassional bad day...but granted that compared to me...he shares his frustrations very very seldom...so, not sure if he doesn't have them as often...or just doesn't talk about them...probably the latter..
He seems to take interest in things outside of himself...like me...lol...and how I feel, and what I think...that is also part of his kindness...I'm not sure I can really explain it in words because alot of it is just a feeling I get when I talk to him...I can sense...or feel in my gutt...that he wants to understand me...and wants things to be ok between us...and I like that. Just knowing that he cares enough...because I know he does...probably more than he'd like to...
I like that he's his own person...that one ranks very high on my list...from what I've seen...he, almost to the point that can bug me...he's independant. But as a man...I find that very appealing...that he's a made man, in the sense that he works very hard....is very driven...doesn't hesitate...and seems to know what he wants out of life...whether people agree with him or not.
I like that he's a family man....yes, I know that he doesn't want children but he absolutely adores his family...the way he speaks about his parents...I can feel that admiration he has for his father...the deep respect for his mother....how he cherishes his sisters...it makes me smile just thinking about it...he's a good man.
I like that he loves life...and can find pleasure in simple things...like food...or sports...or women...lol. Scratch women being simple...lol...at least not me...
It's like he wants to suck the juice out of every second of his life...has no time to complain...and wants to...by the time it's all said and done...to have done what he wanted...the way he wanted to....
I like his smile...and his eyes...and how he sounds....the tone of his voice...lol...god I'm pathetic.
This is funny...to just sit here...and disect every little thing that I like about him....don't think I had done this before...
I love his passion....and how he can make me feel....with his eyes...and his hands...and his...everything...lol, not even going there...
Yes, the lovemaking is pretty damn amazing...and it doesn't even have to be about doing it....it can start by something as subtle as his hand on my thigh...but his grip...and his touch...do it for me....lol.
I like his sense of style....most of the time...lol. His choices in cologne...how he can shave without using any cream or lotion...just au naturel...without blinking an eye...like a man...
I like that he can be a manly man....but at the same time be so gentle...and tender...
I like that he can be thoughtful...and yes, even though he doesn't really apply it with me much at all...I've seen it...and the fact that I know that he's capable of it....appeals to me...
I like that we have like a sixth sense to read each other....that shows how deep of a man he can be...despite his efforts in coming across as simple...
I like that he lets me know that he's thinking about me...even if it's only with that one phone call, or message...he'll reach out to me...even when he's had a shitty, hectic and very busy day because I'm important to him....
I like that he's softly held my hand while I've wandered out of my shell....and he's not let go of my hand since...even when I pull and tug onto him...he might tighten his grip, but he's never let go...
I like the fact that he can get into music in the way that I can...really feeling it...connecting with it...
I like that he notices little things that most people don't....like when I changed my hair color a long time ago...or the clothes that I wear...or my moods...without me saying a word...
I like that he's smart...clever....witty....daring...adventurous...
I like that he can be very romantic...even if it's not with me. His outting with his wife...monthly conmemorations...and just keeping tabs on special ocassions with her...tell me that he's a loving partner, spouse....or whatever...or, that he can be...
Sighs...I thought I'd get passed that one without having to pause...
But hey, it's reality....and it makes him an even better man...so, yes...it explains why I feel the way that I do about him...it has nothing to do with his relationship with me...but more so, it says alot about him as a person....so there.
That's just not a part of him that I get to see....but I know it's there.
But, I think that I can't think of anything else that I like about him right now....lol. Can't help feeling a little uncomfy about that...because it's almost as if I'm accepting that I don't deserve that...even though I know that it's not about that...it's the circumstances...but, it feels shitty.
Anywho...I think I got some good stuff out there today...perhaps I'll get further along tomorrow.
Till tomorrow blog spirits...lol.

Not much improvement....

So I just read last blog's ramblings and I can't really say that I've moved forward too much....PMS time, so I guess it's to be expected...
Marriage blow out yesterday at least released the whole cry piece...did alot of it...and, it felt pretty damn good. Of course, by myself...far from anyone's range....so it was just me and the stars...lol.
Still pretty sensitive...taking things too seriously...and sick of it, honestly. But it'll pass...I'm sure.
I just realized that every time I acknowledge a feeling...a negative one...I go right in to say that it'll pass, almost dismissing it. A pattern there, for sure...and probably not the healthiest of habits...because it almost aids the repression. So, yes...I can cough up a negative feeling but won't dwell on it past the next word...because my rational brain knows that it's wrong to feel that way...so I dismiss it...even though it's real...and inside of me...and it just sits there...until another one comes along...and another...until there are so many unresolved in there that I've not given myself the chance to work on...and I end up feeling like crap. Interesting...how my brain works...
So, I need to work on allowing myself to feel negative things..without judging myself...damn...that's a breakthrough for sure...guilt, I think...is a pretty big part of it all....a part of me feels like what I feel...is my fault...when, sometimes it just can't be helped....and all I have left is to manage whatever it is...with the thinking part of my brain...lol.
I'm very hard on myself....more than anyone else can ever be...but why?
It's like there's this unspoken rule where I HAVE to know how to handle everything...and that I can't ask people for help...and that it's expected that I have all the answers....well, haven't I had to always? lol...my life has been the consecuence of all of my decisions...and I drag the other characters along...where I live...what I do...my kids...it's all me...
Sighs...not going too deep into that one today...because I'm in fragile grounds in what my thoughts are about my marriage....let's be honest here...if I had a magic wand...I wouldn't be here...
I would take my kids...and leave....and start my life all over again....with no man in it....
Not one...
Clean slate....just me, some good books and movies...my job, and my children...not in that order...but with focus only on that...
Having to maintain a relationship...is exhausting for me...and I am convinced that no matter how much we try, this one is damaged beyond repair...but no one has the balls to do anythind about it...and we're building more resentment...hell, I don't even think we like each other anymore...
Did we ever?
And I've been trying...I really have...despite the stupid messes I get myself into...and them mistakes I've made...and boy there have been quite a few of those lately...
I love my husband very much...as a person...an important human being that has been key in my life...and I hate to see what we're doing to each other...and I know...that it's going to have to be me...to eventually change things...if only there was a clean and mature way to do it...but knowing him...I don't see it happening....he can get pretty hateful...and I'm not exactly mother theresa myself...
Sighs...yeah yeah...I know...I'm not going anywhere but a woman can dream here...lol.
It's bs....80% of it....and it's a shame....
I've said it a million times...I'm not made to be in a relationship....suck at it...can't show any consistency...and I prefer the highs than the routine...maybe some people just aren't cut out for it...
Plus...my husband doesn't understand me...we interact...on a very superficial level...and I guess that knowing that I can be understood...hasn't helped either...maybe T has shown me that things can be different...of course...I know not with him...lol...not that delusional here...but with someone perhaps more like him...less like my husband....and it ends up feeling like my own husband doesn't know me....and it's saddening...
And even worse, is that I don't think he has the ability to...even if he really tried....we speak two very different languages...even more different than the typical males vs. females....it's almost human vs. alien...although granted that I speak alien for most people anyway...lmao.
Well, maybe the situation with T is good practice for whatever is going to turn out being the rest of my life...and by learning to relate to someone...and adapt...I'm setting a more reasonable ground to interact with other people in my life...lol...yeah, whatever.
I think it's a shame to connect with someone so well...that is so wrong for you....but, there must be a reason for it...and maybe time will tell....it's not a waste...so, it's all gain, as far as I'm concerned.
If I could have my way...really....I would like my marriage to work....and I would like to maintain a deep romantic relationship with T....lol...I'm being brutally honest here...that way I'd have the best of both worlds...and that's probably the mindset I had jumping into this thing...but, things have taken some sudden different turns....lol. For starters, well the marriage has it's moments...and it's doing ok, but could be better...but more importandly for the plan...lol, is that I can't have a romantic relationship with T, because he doesn't want to.
Wow....I wrote it....this soul cleansing thing...is therapeutic....so, let's continue on the honesty roll here....
So, he doesn't want a romantic relationship with me...because despite his liberal views on things...he is actually old fashioned when it comes to feelings...and he feels that it's wrong to engage in a romantic relationship with someone other than the woman he chose to marry....even though he is ok with maintaining a physical friendship with someone else....
LOL...physical friendship...I like that...
Do I agree with it? Nope....but, it's not the first thing about his choices that I don't see eye to eye with him....but this is the only one that involves me...
So.....not really much to do on that front but take the friendship in the form that he's willing to give it and give up on the other thoughts...and back off just enough to not get too attached...and stay in touch just enough to not forget about it...
So, I guess my life isn't mapped out that way I'd want it to be, really...and that might be causing some of the frustration....work wise though is looking up...and my kids are doing great...so, I need to focus on those...and just leave the whole sappy piece alone....I'm not meant to live a love story....what a shame. I can only hope that my kids do...and that they meet the right person at the right time...and they are happy...completely happy and satisfied with the choices they make...so that at least, my life isn't such a waste...
It hasn't been...because I have them....and they are the only true real genuine relationship that I have...and that is 100% mine...
Bottom line...my choices in men have sucked...lol....I'm 35 years old....and can't say that I've been swept off my feet...probably never will be...can't say anyone has fallen flat on their face in love with me...can't say that anyone will ever be...and as temporary and superficial as that all may sound...and knowing that there are other much more important things in a relationship than that....it would have been nice. I can imagine my girls...walking down the aisle...so excited...so in love...I can only hope that there lives are full...and that they are satisfied...on all levels....I want my kids to be happy...and perhaps then...I'll be entirely happy to.
I think I've been looking for happiness in all the wrong places, as the song says....and happy in the form that I've dreamed it...isn't meant for me.
But hey....maybe I'm wrong....and all I need is to give myself time...and make some changes...maybe I just need to keep the faith and the right person will eventually come along...
And maybe the sky will turn purple too...lmao, but hope is the last to go....
As I sit here....and think of how I would have liked my life to have been....I'm overwhelmed by emotions...but I'm too smart to think that wanting something is enough to make it happen...and that's just the way life is....not fair, and sucks sometimes....and then you die.
And my life...I feel...is passing me by....a day at a time....not getting any younger...maybe wiser...so, I'll be a wise old lady....lol....by myself....with lots of knowledge for the kids and grandkids...so that they have full lives....
Maybe that's my purpose in life....to ensure that the next generation is fulfilled...
Well...this blog didn't help...lol. Till tomorrow...

Hypersensitive...

I knew that I needed to write down what I was thinking on the way home from work today, but had to have lunch first...got distracted...and there goes my thought process...sheesh!
I don't know what's wrong with me lately...it's like I'm 100% emotions....ah...I remember what it was that I wanted to write about...the fact that I never really resolve the things that bother/hurt me...and they add up causing me to go into hypersensitivy...yep, that was it.
So, my theory on part of my whackyness is...that I don't like to show my feelings...not the true ones anyway...something about being weak, bla bla...so people either believe that I feel nothing...or not what I truly feel. Yes, complicated...I wrote the book on it...or am...lol.
I send mixed messages, almost like I don't want to be found out...and don't want to let on that things or words...or comments can actually hurt me. I've improved....granted, but...not 1oo% is resolved or to my satisfaction if I feel like crying over any little thing. There's the other block..I don't cry...I haven't allowed myself to cry in a while...so, that builds up too, to the point where I'll think about something silly....and I'll feel like a storm is about to come over me...and, I hate it!
So...as it turns out, I'm human...and things get to me, go figure. I had made a career of showing people otherwise...funny enough, it always comes back to bite me.
Examples....hmmm...my husband, that I'm sure has no clue how I really feel about him, as I spend 60% of my time making him feel inadequate...verbally or not...my kids, although I tell them that I love them....I'm not sure they really know that it's life or death kind of love...that I couldn't imagine myself without them...
People need other people...no matter what T's theory on not needing may be...I disagree. Yes, we can live without people, but it's the connections that we have that keep us going....and I don't like needing anyone...that's the truth.
Why don't I work out my issues so that they don't build up? Hmmm...well, for starters I need to learn to be more assertive...I can't usually cough up something that really hit the core...although I think I'm getting better at it....
I don't like people seeing my weaknesses....ironically I think that by hiding them I end up exposing them more...lol.
I think I'm stronger than I am...or at least like to come across that way...
And what's with the mixed messages?
Seriously....I don't think anyone truly knows what I'm about....
Not such a bad thing...but at the same time...by keeping people at a distance, I miss out on some pretty amazing moments for sure....gosh I sure can complicate things...lol...even in writing this damn blog I can feel that I'm going in circles not really sure what it is that I want to say here..
I think too much...yes, overanalyze myself and others...amen...and want to know everything...lol...pretty high expectation of myself and the world...no wonder I want to cry..lmao.
I tend to think the worse....another little trait of mine that sends off the message that I can't trust anyone and that no matter what they do or say, it's never enough for me...when in my soul, I know that I'm not even close to being that demanding...
I guess...what I want deep down is for someone to take enough interest to break the code and see beyond my bs...sighs...but, I think I've given up on that one...I've made all the wrong choices...in the circumstances that I've thrown myself into to invest my feelings....
And...too little too late to make them go away...no such luck...so...gotta make lemonade...lol.
I'm such a sappy creature...and my fairy tale thinking style is going to cause me some heartache for the rest of my life...
Or will it?
I mean....I do have some rational thinking going on...and I can see what is...and what's not...but, I guess I'm too stubborn to accept it...
There is no happily ever after...just happy right now...what was that grey's anatomy quote?
At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.
So, I do have faith....in some people...not bad....lol. But, I don't think they know that...and maybe it's too late to start showing it...or is it even worth it?
The castle...is definitaley not a castle...and prince charming, has a wife...LMAO...oh, and wait...I have a husband...so, yeah, I don't think it's anything that can be published as a children's story...laughing....
Perhaps this is my once in a blue moon....
How the heck did I get onto this topic? My brain is just all over the place today...
I push people away from me....and then when they're far away...I wish they were closer...
And I don't look at them when they're right across or next to me....but I wish I could see them...lol...talk about contradicting...
Yep, hypersensitive....I need some chocolate...lol
Till tomorrow...