Vicariously through T.V....LOL

As boring of a day as today is.... I shipped the troops out yet again, to just relax in the calm of home...and decided to watch some meaningless t.v. but leave it to me, to find meaning in any ole thing...lol. This little show was about a couple of teens...ice skaters...she's in love with him...doesn't tell him...but hopes he'll guess...lol...not to say that I'm in the same boat but can really relate to the not telling people how I truly feel thing...is it fear of rejection, or being ridiculed, or worse realizing that it's in vain? I really don't know what the whole love thing really means at this point...how does one know if the feelings are deep...or deep enough..for what? To me, love has translated in security..doing the right thing...roughing in, tolerating...and showing affection once in awhile...
I'm pretty sure, I think my feelings for T are stronger than they really are, because of the whole learning bid...I've gone from emotionally insecure, to self confident and from know it all...to admitting mistakes and learning from them. It's helped me all across the board...and when I trace it back to when it all started, it does coincide with him wandering into my life...he's really had a positive effect on me...and I don't really get that uncomfy when I'm vulnerable around him...heck, I'm pretty much in that state most of the time anyway...lol.
But, realistically...it's probably just a beautiful friendship...and since things have escalated physically I get it mixed up with something else...friends with benefits...yes, I still have the need to label it once in awhile...but whatever it's called...it's important to me. Important in a way that not many relationships have been...he's consistent...even in annoying me...but I know what to expect...or not...lol, ain't that the truth! It's actually a positive trait....pretty simple guy, straight to the point...practical...so, why do I always have the sense that there's more to him than meets the eye? Why can't I accept that he might be a simple being? Hmmm...good question...I think he's being perceived as simple...is part of his complexity..lmao...yes, I do understand what that means even if no one else might...
How many blogs will I write before I completely figure him out? Am I trying to figure him out...or myself? Am I making a mistake analyzing my situation with him so radically...and so definitaly to the point where I'm building walls where they might get in my way someday? Am I sending him all the wrong messages by confirming over and over how I don't feel about him?
It's a pride thing...
I can feel it...
I know how he doesn't feel about me...so I'll be damned if I'll ever let myself let my guard down..
Very silly, I know...but my pride is one of the few things I can hang onto when all else fails...
He's so cold though....when it comes to the things that might potentially get to him...is it that he's really that heartless, or...does he activate the defenses like I do?
Sighs....I'm not getting anywhere with this....and I never will....my stubbornness is overwhelming when it comes to him...and my spoiled brat nature just can't accept that he's not crazy about me by now...that's all.
And...that makes me sad. There...I said it.
I wish he did love me....
And miss me...and think about me always....
Even if his life were to be the same forever...
I would like to know...that if his life were different...it would be me.
Wow....that was like pulling teeth...but, it feels good...to just put it out there...
And....in the same breath...I know that he doesn't....and funny enough, that doesn't change the fact that he's important to me...all the same...
I'd do it all over again....I really mean that....
So yeah...I guess I do have the shortest end of the stick....but I'm not completely empty handed...I did get a good friend out of it....
And as long as I remember that it's all that it can be....everyone will be ok...
I think it's hysterical how an episode with someone else...can bring clarity on one's feelings for someone...beyond what I was aware of....and I guess it's not a bad thing or a good thing...it is...what it is...
It'll pass...all of it...in time...
I'm taking these warm and fuzzy thoughts to nap with me....buh bye...