Slowing down....

Every day I sense that I get a little less concerned...a little less angry....a little less excited over little things...a little less giddy....and I guess the question is....is that a good thing? On the one hand it would seem that life might extended itself a bit not sweating the small stuff, but it also kinda feels like the full taste of life is lost when not experienced with passion and to the fullest...the good and the bad. It almost seems like I'm letting go....realizing that I won't get very far swimming against the tide....but, isn't that what makes me who I am? Why am I giving up? Is it that I'm getting wiser and am just postponing concerns and replacing anguish with hope....developing some patience? Why does it feel like I'm going soft though? Like I might not care enough to fight things out anymore...like I'm settling to become just like everyone else....
Although deep inside, I know that the odds of that ever happening or close to none...lol. Is it that I'm getting smarter...picking my battles...maturing? Or...am I just slowing down?
I think things through alot more than I used to....I try to understand others more than I used to....maybe that's giving me the insight to not get upset so often? Bull....lol...I still get upset....I just let go of it quicker...almost forgetting about it....why? Am I pretending that I don't see what I do see? That I'm oblivious to the obvious? My job won't change anytime soon...so no point in stressing over it....my marriage is at it's best...and the differences between hubby and I as people will always be there...so no point in even thinking about them...and well, that other thing...is only what I make it to be in my little head....and I'm too stubborn to just admit it and move on? Perhaps that and work, are the most challenging ones for me right now...the marriage piece...I think I've finally understood and found the way to make it work....and my stress levels are close to none...but how much is it because things are truly working the way I'd like them to...and how much of it just gets swept under the never never land rug...to avoid panic and anxiety? Don't we all though...compromise? Is it though...a compromise...or a cop out? I guess time will tell. The kids are doing fantastic though....amazing how they find peace at times...and it all just flows...I have the patience...they have the right attitude...pure heaven!
So...about work....I know I'm not fully developed yet....that I'm a work in progress...but I am positive that I've made some pretty big jumps towards becoming more of a leader...less of a manager...more of a team player...less of a boss...and it feels great. Maybe I do still have some more to do on this program...and I'm wasting time planning other things....but I feel like I need to stay on top of these folks here....so that I can grow the way that I need to....sighs....I need challenges...and granted people are exactly that no matter what the program....but, it's boring already! I feel stuck...and I hate it....like I've played a part and can't seem to get casted doing anything else....something to be careful about in the future....too good, isn't that good after all...lol. Who knew?
Dependence sucks...and too much independence does too...and there come the contradictions again...sheesh!
Back to that thing...lol...I really don't know what to think these days...I don't stress...don't expect...but also don't feel that it's that high that I felt at some point. Not sure how to explain it....but, I think it's....a friendship, after all. He did a good job...I'm convinced! Not to sound ungrateful....he's a good man....and has really worked hard on staying in touch....and I can only imagine that he has alot going on....especially when the only time to actually connect is in the middle of everything else....
I gave up on trying to ask for more....did it once...not happening...so I will be a good little girl and let it go....I'm kind of at a loss as to how to act these days....it doesn't feel like I should ask for anything....so, I don't...not for anything anymore...it's almost like I'm not my usual self....but I've adapted for the sake of not rocking the boat....and really....not interested in rocking anything....lol, no pun intended....
It's funny how people go about things in such different ways...some dismiss them like they don't exist...because that's better than dealing with it...and some need to constantly process it....not to say one is better than the other...but at least, with my style...people know mostly where I stand on things....right? Is he as simple as he comes across? Or is he so complex, that he needs to have things set up the way he chooses them, to stay in control? Do I have an idealistic view of him...or do I really know him? It's a mystery, really....
It feels like we could go on like this forever....but, what is it? Whatever I might have labeled it as before, is no longer....and as amazing as it is to me....it doesn't phase me anymore....
It's like he's around....but I'm not attached to him like I used to be....I think about him but dream about him less and less....and why does that make me feel so sad? geeze....
Maybe because I know it's not by choice...but by need....and that things would be different it they were up to me....but they're not. Or are they?
Everytime I face that crossroad I think....so, why am I still here? I guess I'm more hopeful than I had ever given myself credit for....another sign that I'm slowing down...
And why do I always feel silly for thinking about these things....when I'm positive that I've not been on his mind....at all this weekend? Or have I? Why do I even care, really? Sad...lol.
Regardless of who and when...I do know that I will know romance and ridiculously amazing passion...before I die....and I'll be damned if I settle for less than that for the rest of my life....
I might have to make some hard choices over the years...but I know exactly what I want...and need....and it seems there I've learned exactly where I'll never find it....that might be the first step...
Now, I know that's not everything...and that companionship..understanding...friendship are very very high on the list when thinking about the rest of my life...but who says it all has to lay in one person? I believe that we can surround ourselves by the types of people that make us feel all that...and, I have....it's that other stuff...that I'm still missing...thought I had found it...and I did...but I blinked....and it was gone...or maybe it's one of those momentary things...meant to come and go...and not stick around....not really sure...I guess I need to learn those things....
Maybe nothing ever lasts....and not understanding that is what frustrates me at times....
Maybe I watch too many movies....and have a completely wrong idea of what to hope for...lol...but somehow and although some of that might be true...I still believe there must be more to it than this....and if it's not there...visible....heard...or felt....then, maybe it's not the right chemical combination....and we're just too nice of people that like each other too much to admit it and move on....but even as I write this...I still think there's more....and until there's hope...I guess I'll stick around....maybe I'll look back and be thankful I waited around....or not...lol. Either way, it's all good....it's life....and I'm learning....
Sighs...who am I kidding? We barely get an hour a day....add that together it's 5 hours a week...it's a day for each week....and the topics barely scratch the surface....and no signs of anything changing...but maybe time will actually decrease....until it's every other day...every other week....
So much has changed...I guess in his life....work is hectic....and the weekends and evenings seem to be full these days....I remember when he would reply to my e-mails...even if it was a one liner....but some acknowledgment....not these days. When he'd be spontaneous...and call me out of the blue....has been a while from that....and as silly as it might sound to complain about that...those little things...were the ones that, along with seeing him more often....kept me motivated...today, it gets tricky....
He would be able to stay until the wee hours of the evening...just talking...nowadays he seems to always have to be somewhere...lol, it's not good when I go over this in my head....I always land in doubt land...but, can anyone blame me? Not that he's supposed to do any of this...but, the fact that he chooses not to...as opposed to doing it, like he used to....generates some thoughts....it's natural, I guess....and I'm a girl, so I think of those things...
So he tells me that I'm attractive....and so does the rest of the world these days...what makes our friendship any different than any other somewhat meaningful one? Useless thoughts here...and I can only imagine him thinking....here she goes again....important matters to me...to him, I can't say they are or they aren't....honestly...I really don't know anymore. He cares...and likes me....that's all I'm really sure of...so I guess that is supposed to be enough...
It's so hard though...when I think of the past....damned past....how connected we were....everything was better....maybe it was just a high...that couldn't last...and this is what's left....rush rush rush...shallow, touch and go....hi's and bye's....in circles without getting anywhere....maybe never meant to get anywhere....
Will I see him again? What's left to do or talk about when and if we do? Have we built anything in the last month? Has anything been planted so that we can enjoy the fruits then? Why do I even care?...Maybe I need to have an affair...a real one....am I so stubborn to not pursue that, and insist on making this work, when the signs of failure are screaming in my face?...Is this just impossible to sustain under the circumstances and I'm just an idiot?
But when he makes me smile....
Of all the sad shit I've written....that one sentence is the one that's going to make me cry? Pathetic! But when he does....make me smile....it's worth everything....and when he reaches over to touch my face....and my hair....all is forgotten....stupid tears....anyway...how the heck did I get into this topic?....
It's how he makes me feel....when he really tries....and sometimes...when he doesn't try at all...but some consistency wouldn't hurt....
Like I said....maybe if someone else...played with my hair, I'd realize that this isn't all that special....and that any man might be able to make me feel the way he does....and who knows...one might even actually want to....all the time....
Sighs....the beauty of the blog....I can say literally anything....put it out there...reasonable or not...every thought....theory....idea....and piece of crap...lol
Gotta love PMS....it's like a hormonal virus....makes me throw up feelings...for days....
And now I get mean....lol....because can't stand feeling upset for too long without lashing out....
Or am I upset at all? I don't think so....more so....I understand the way things are...and some of them make me sad...that's all. I don't feel sad or upset overall...I like that he stays somewhat in my life....that he chooses to....I'm just a little hung up on the way things were....and those highs....but life are peaks and valleys....lol. Don't have to like...but have to deal with it....happens in all relationships...I guess I thought this would be different....
That's a good one...what did I think? Well, I thought we'd keep in touch and we have....I thought he'd want to see me, and he has....I thought he'd stay as motivated about us....but I don't really feel that anymore...I could feel that he couldn't get enough of the conversations....and now, it's almost like he's filling the daily quota with his mind completely elsewhere....he seems like he wants to listen...and goes through the motions...but he doesn't feel present....almost like I'm his client....he makes me feel heard, and acknowledged...but I don't feel the personal connection.
I thought he'd continue to be spontaneous....an e-mail...a call....out of the blue....surprise me....but I don't think much about it on a daily basis anymore....I've learned to let go....I'm accepting all these changes....but I guess I also have to admit, that it changes the way I feel a bit....not that I care about him any less....but about the degree of involvement that I have with him....and to be honest...I think that's exactly the way he wants it....so be it....
I try here and there....to reach out to him....maybe not always in the most productive of ways...but it's not easy for me....but I do try....
But his responses sometimes knock me off balance...because they're either too dry....or just plain emotion-less....like when I thanked him for checking out the videos I sent...he said it was the least he could do...lol, not even sure what that means....
I often think that he realized that he got too close....and has been backtracking ever since...slowly...and subtly....but surely....and this is confirmed by him not giving me any extra time....just enough....to stay in touch....but nothing else....it's very hard for me to not believe that it's really over....and we're just both too chicken to admit it....
And that the friendship as it is....is all it can be...and will be....because even the time together has changed....
It feels like he keeps me at a safe distance....or so he thinks....but it's almost like he pushes me away....and it's frustrating because it's not that he's not nice...or that he does or says anything wrong...but on the contrary....he's just around....not really contributing....but showing up daily to say hey...and listen to me....and when I think of little flashes of intimate moments....it's painful...how everything is so different now....
And how sad that I'll spend a few more months whining about it...before I actually grow the balls to do something about it....and put us both out of our misery....lol.
There's a grey's anatomy episode that reminds me so much of this...and those were his exact words...put me out of my misery....granted this isn't a tv show...lol as much as I sometimes make it sound like one....when he asks her to break up with him....
Of course...night and day the situations....no dating...no bfd or gfd situation here....
Oh and how about the bfd comment? Who is my bfd??? lol....just rich...my bad that sometimes in my head...I might label him that way...big mistake....need to keep that in mind....nothing of the sort....just friends....and probably not even that close anyway....
Talking to myself about this whole thing really bugs me....because I have no clue if it's all a bunch of crap and I have no clue what goes on in his head...but hey...that's what you get....if you don't want people to make wrong assumptions...then be clear...right? If not...then suck it up!
Ok....when I start arguing with the blog...is time to say g'night...
Didn't fix the world...or gain more insight...just rambled crap left and right like I always do about this silly subject....I just need to drop it.
Until whenever dear blog....hopefully I'll have better material to feed you with next time.
Ta ta