Keeping the faith....

It's funny how there's a lesson to be learned EVERYWHERE....my son and I just got back from puppy hunting....I thought a baby pup might lift my spirits today...no such luck...didn't really fall for the critter...not that I'm easy on the falling game anymore...heavens forbid....but anyway...I'm explaining to my son how some choices need long processes...like adding a new member to the family...like a dog...looking for one that doesn't shed too much because of the girls allergies..one that isn't too high maintenance...I have enough of that with myself....and it was amazing how he didn't seem to understand me...the whole concept of patience...waiting...not rushing things...how it all rang so simple to me, was so hard for him to grasp...and yet, that's my life right now...I've been impatient...and I've not had enough faith in myself...in others....in how things might just be what I want them to be...in time. I'm impulsive...like my son...and I want instant gratification....when, as I explained to him...it might not always be the best choice...in the long run.
I was waiting for the elevator with him...and it dawned on me...I have the emotional intelligence of a 13 year old when it comes to the things I want and I can be as annoying as my son...pushing for it...when some adults around me find it fit to explain to me...that it's not necessarily the best idea..at the time. Not to say that he's the adult here...I'm not about to begin a Becca put down session here...but really...I just can see the obvious sometimes...
Just as I trust that I can go pup shopping some more and will end up with the right pet...if I choose to do so...no hurry...I should also have been confident that in time...feelings don't just fade away when they're real...and that he might just be going through a rough time himself trying to figure this whole thing out. Why is that so hard for me to accept? Can't it be that he's a genuinely good man that struggles with what has been the love of his past 12 years...and some chic he hooked up with and ended up falling for, kinda by accident? Only I can put a touch of drama on everything...but really...is it that he struggles...and is truly a man of deep feelings...as I have sensed at times...with the sensitivity of the gentlest of people...or is he just a simple man that occupies his time with more practical matters like pushing his body to the limit...to avoid thinking those deep and troubling thoughts? Or is he just both....and I'm just not sure which one I feel more comfortable with?
It seems like this isn't really over....not as long as I can still feel it....and I felt a sense of peace in talking to my son about the darn dog...because if I can teach him to wait...and be patient..shouldn't I? I mean, what were the odds of this happening....then, maybe the odds are pretty good as to anything completely off the wall happening to me too...in the very uknown future...
Anything can happen as long as we're breathing, right? Isn't that what faith is...believing without seeing? Why didn't I have more faith in him? Well...the situation wasn't really one to build much trust upon...laying on top of dishonesty with our spouses...so the same goes for me...
but he has more faith in people than I do....
I've been too afraid to put my faith anywhere....but I'll take a leap today...and promise myself to keep the faith in what I feel for him...and what I hope he feels for me...so that one day...we can smile together again...if only briefly...I'd really like that....
The pup didn't do it for me today....we didn't click...and that click is so so important....
I drove him away.....and he grew tired of having to answer my silly questions....and of explaining his ways...I guess we both kinda knew it would happen some day...
I can drive the most sane of people...completely insane...
I need to get out there and live more...experience more...outside of my head...take risks...and try to be happy...
Kids are watching tv...no school tomorrow...national holiday...I have to work...wish I didn't have to....wish I could take some weeks off...and just put this all behind me...I can, if I work hard on it...and he'll be a memory...something that happened ages ago...so far back that I can't really remember the details too well...if only my brain didn't latch onto every little thing...
He did make me happy though...I just wanted it to be even better all the time...that's all...
And if I sounded dissapointed it was because of the constraints of time and distance...and the frustration of not really getting my point across and I knew I'd be able to in person...and knowing that in front of him...looking into my eyes...I'd see it...and he wouldn't have to say a word...even if I probably would ask him to...lol. But that's just me....pushing buttons...and only the brave stick around...he did well, for as long as he could...until he couldn't anymore...
I hope he never forgets me....
So much has happened in such short time...and how I've blossomed....inside. Amazing...
I need to get a life...do something....pour myself into something...my kids are growing so fast...I'm going to blink and they'll be gone...what then?
Does everyone leave me in the end? It certainly seems that way...
What a tough lesson....to move on...and detach....and choose to be grown up and not throw tantrums...mature and poised...and composed..and adecuate...even when I feel like just letting it all out...screw the consequences....but, can't do that...it's not appropriate....lol.
How many times will my heart be squeezed before I can truly get to the center of it? Will I ever let it be touched again? I want to be alone....and away...and in silence...tired of thinking...
So serious Becca...such deep thoughts...no wonder it's tough to stick around you...lol. It was so much easier when he would watch me from across the room....and smile...his voice...and his fingers typing...so concentrated, but not...so focused....but distracted...enough to look up...and look at me with those eyes....warm...caring eyes....
I remember that one time, we had food...in the living room...and I said I wasn't hungry...and we stood up and kissed....movie style...all the way to the bed...slowly and quickly shedding layers of clothes....he asked me to lay on top of him...just lay there...enjoying each other...such a foreign concept for me then....to just hold someone...for the heck of it....
The time we were watching the fight...he couldn't stop kissing me....my forehead...hands...and hands...and fingers....and forehead again...lol...I felt like I could do anything...with him there with me...How did it all go to hell?
Anyway...no point in going there today...those moments are for the memory bank...and when I'm in the mood, as I will be sometime to just weep over what I've lost....but not today...today I'm keeping the faith....that, maybe....just maybe someday...I can feel that again.
The dog was not bought...we need to keep looking...not really sure I really want one...and I think I need to be sure these days...no sense in flip flopping...I've messed up some pretty great things because of that...
Think before acting....taking firm but slow steps...and saying what I feel....a couple of helpful tips I've picked up along this way....
Maybe I'm one of those people that are always meant to feel like they're missing something even when they have it all...why is that? It only makes everyone around me feel inadecuate...
uncomfy...
I wonder if he'll think of me often....or if he'll tune me out quickly to move on....if I were to take a guess, I'd say that in his heart the first...but he'll work hard on the latter...
I want this sadness to be over....I want to think about something else...and stop dwelling on this...lessons learned...time to get moving...
Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight....