I know....

deep down that he's right....that we can't draw blood from a stone anymore....that it probably never should have happened....that I'll thank him one day....that there's no other option....but...
I can't imagine not ever feeling him next to me again...his touch...the warmth of his eyes....his smile...his fingers through my hair...it's really over, and there's nothing I can do...
I feel so helpless....I don't feel like I should give up....but I can't go on overwhelming him...when did I start caring about anyone else's feelings and wants? This has really changed me....and I'm thankful, but I feel pain in the bottom of my gutt just foreseeing that it's really the end this time...who took all the air from my lungs? So this is what experience feels like....damn it hurts...
No wonder people grow thick skin...and look at life differently than I have...but how does anyone dare put themselves out there...if this is a possible outcome? Masoquism....pure insanity....but I can't even find my way back to my cave anymore...where nothing can touch me...I'm here...out in the open...naked...feeling....
Never play with fire, people say...cause you'll get burnt...if only they really knew...it stings...and scars...so bad...and so good....
I can't look back and say that I regret any of it...and I can't even feel bitter...it's been...beautiful...even when it's sucked....lol. I've gained so much more than I'm losing....and I'm clear that it's my inmature old ways sticking their ugly little head in...because I feel no control...what makes me panic....but, I'll be ok...we all will...always are....
The dream is over though....funny enough, the hope isn't gone just yet....I can still feel his presence in my soul....I think he'll always be there for me....sometimes letting go is the only way...how frustrating and confusing though...and how fate dealt us such a crappy card....who were we to challenge it? How could we think this could withstand time...distance, and everything else? How cocky of us....really....seriously...lol.
What will grey's look like now? Who will I tell my inner most deepest thoughts? Who will I dream about? Who will get me...understand me...better than anyone....?
I really love him, you know....not a doubt in my mind....love in a...I might not ever see him again way....in a ...it can be years and years and he'll stay in my thoughts way....in a....I'll never look at food the same way again kinda way...lol....in a...need to catch my breath when I remember him so close to me...kinda way....in a....didn't always like his music choices but thought they were worth trying out because he means so much to me way....in a....I'd go to a place I wouldn't have ever so much as thought of...because he was going to be there...holding my hand...kinda way...
In a....he can drive me nuts...but don't love him any less kinda way....in a...if anything happened to him I'd cry for years kinda way....in a....I adore how passionate he can be...way....in a...can always make me smile...even when I'm crying kinda way....and in a....I'm going to miss him like crazy way....sighs.
If I could do it all over again....or if I had the choice to go back in time....I'd still twirl in my seat...while I thought about the insanity of wanting him to kiss me more than anything....and rationalizing...that he actually might...if I said yes....
Why do the best things have to end with such grief? It's the craziest...most passionate...and more unreasonable of relationships that make the news....and burn your soul...to the point where it's never ever...the same.
If I could go back in time....smiles....I'd still....jump into the abyss....to be able to look into his eyes...all over again...and to feel his gentle touch...that woke up my every pore....how can I not love him?...His patience....and kind heart....and his passion for life....sighs....so, he's not perfect....who the hell is? Maybe I never got over missing him....and that feeling overwhelmed to where I couldn't see all that is....because I was too caught up in missing what was not....
No, I can't blame myself for this....or maybe I can....no...I'd do it again....and so would he, probably....it's one thing to be apart....but when we're together....and alone...it changes everything....when I'm not sabotaging it....ok, not going to start looking for the mistakes I've made...this isn't because I made mistakes....or he made mistakes...the truth....it was impossible from the get go...and we thought we could pull it off....and without the passion....it was meant to fail....I mean, if you read about those old affairs...in letters that went back in forth...in wars...it was always talk about...how they wanted to be together...and be able to touch each other...be with each other...the modern version of it...was more like...let's not talk about it...it's too painful..until someone feels that the feelings aren't even there...and we need to end it...
Maybe that's what happened....I should have been a scientist...I like to know why...the reason for things.......I guess to keep it from happening again...but when feelings are involved everything is unpredictable...I drove him bonkers....lol, that's what really happened...until he couldn't do this anymore...
It's even more painful when you can FEEL in your gutt...that there IS that connection...that mutual WOW factor...but, even that's not enough to keep it from sinking...
I am going to miss him in a terrible way....and I need to write about it....so that I can start to heal as soon as possible...there's no time or room in my life as it is...for moping around like a love sick teenager...over a married man 3,000 miles away....lol. How ridiculous did that sound? But how not ridiculous...it feels...
I wonder what's going to happen with our lives? Will he meet someone else? Will he ever dare to do this again? Will I? Will we see each other again? Will I want to just run into his arms? Will we be polite and pretend that we don't remember? Will it all come back as soon as we look at each other?...I can't even imagine my life without him right now...as sad as that sounds...but, he's become such an important part of it....that, it's going be a void that I can only imagine is going to rock my world...and in not such a good way....
A part of me wants to just run out and get crazy....to forget...but another....wants to just sit here...and work this all out....to move on....to accept....that as he said...people don't always get what they deserve....
I wish he could just put his arms around me right now....it feels so safe there....and I really don't care they're not my arms to want...lol, but they have been at times...so there...lol.
I don't know how or when...but I will see him again, damnit....lol. Seriously...
Geeze, when grey's starts again someone's going to have to shoot me....
This is what highschool should have felt like...and I'm just a few decades late...lol...and in a tad of a wrong situation to feel it....
Screw wrong! I feel what I feel...and that's not right or wrong....I miss him, end of story...and I will always miss him....and hate him, for giving up on me...on us....but that's another blog for another day....
Oops almost started a pitty party here...but won't....there's nothing sad or pathetic about me...I put myself out there...and got hurt....that's progress in my book....I'm alive...it's the risks you take...when you really live...
So, I'm not having an affair anymore....it's done. Wow....I think it really is over this time....or will it ever truly be over....really, for either of us...deep down inside?
I don't know what else to say....how do I change my habits now? Not want to talk to him everyday? Not want to run and tell him about my day? That's the hardest part...breaking away....
This really hurts like hell....I thought about that very last quick moment....the goodbye...watching him run into his car...and off he went....I never thought it might be the last time....I should have held on....
Shhhh....we're not going to cry...and go over every little step to try to change it....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to scream damnit! I hate this!
You know...I don't even think I really showed him ever....how much he meant to me....
I can only hope...that he knows....how much...he means to me....more than I thought he ever could...
Sighs...ok, that's enough....
Until tomorrow...