Hormones?

I guess I have to thank Eve and her mischiefs for my out of control hormones and seasonal mood changes.....NOT. The truth is...not having total control of my thoughts and feelings at times can be nervewrecking....and that's just for me, I can only imagine how the people around me perceive it....Not having the best of days...weeks....oversensitivity...things get blown out of proportion, or the things I've chosen to let slide...and have become just sporadic mumbles in my brain are all of a sudden loud and annoying screams....not much tolerance...zero patience...not a fun time at all....
Could it be the hormones....or maybe my walls are weakening and the damn is about to flood my world? Am I just giving up on holding all the pieces in the air in this constant and neverending juggling act....am I tired of figuring things out...mine and everyone else's? Am I sick of trying to understand others...and just want to be understood? Am I done with carrying the weight of the world and just want to be cradled and cuddled myself?.....Sometimes it seems like I just want some tenderness...and affection...to be babied....and pampered....and told that everything is going to be ok....but funny enough...I'm usually the one telling myself that....
Has everyone really bought into the story of my fearless strength? Does everyone really think that I can handle it all on my own...that I don't need any help? Have I put on such a convincing act that noone believes that I could use some support to deal with this life at times???? Does anybody even care? If I could just curl up into my mother's womb all over again...to the warmth and peace that I must have experienced in there...with the soothing sound of her heartbeat....and the swaying of her pulse...nothing to worry about....just dreams....
When did it all get so complicated? When did adulthood happen to me? lol....funny, but true....when can I just hit the pause button and levitate in silence? When does this get easier?
The answers are more frustrating than the questions....never....never....never....and I know that I need to find the strength within to move on...as I always have but....I'm just so tired today....
Sad sad me....I have everything....and nothing...how ironic and fitting....the mother of all contradictions...the story of my life....I'm rich and poor....happy and miserable....positive and negative....and so so humanly flawed....
Big sighs.....I'm out of emotional shape...need to work out more....build my thought muscles....nourish myself with high protein dreams....and smile....
But I don't want to today...I want to bitch and moan and complain and whine...and sleep...and cry...and pout....
More sighs....I hate feeling this way....and I'm glad that I know that it will all end soon....and in just a few days...I'll hopefully be back to my old complex but much happier ways....if only I could skip the hormonal horror movie....but how could I miss the drama??? lol...
What a task for those in my life....or kind of in my life....or that I think are in my life...lol...goodness...leave it to me to take a simple thought and turn it into a scientific hypothesis...why does my brain need to overprocess everything???? Why couldn't I be an averagely shallow human being...lol....intelligence comes with a high price....analytical brains should be a crime....put us out of our misery at birth with a quick lobotomy...lol...
Dark dark thoughts today...nobody loves me...I'm not good enough...I'm ugly...and mean...and life just sucks....poor souls that live in this state of depression permanently...and thank heavens for giving me the ability to realize that this is just a phase....and that once the storm is over...it'll be sunny and warm again...
But for now...it's cold...and dull...and blah....
I feel like I'm in suspended animation....nothing's happening so I panic....status quo...hate it....
Hate people...hate the weather....hate that I hate it all....lol....nothing like a good ole venting session to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves....to mend an emotional breakdown....nothing like spiriling down to appreciate the view from above....and nothing like this blog to allow me to just get it all out....
Black and white words on a screen...harmless...emotion-less....no need to explain or justify myself...just spit out the venom that's making me sick....
And the funny part is....I don't even know why! All of these restless feelings are just flying at me out of nowhere...sure, I can think of triggers....but it's the sum of it all that seems to have set off a silent but lethal time bomb inside of me....rotting everything that's good...and clouding my ability to see the positive....sucks to be me today...lol.
Sucks even worse to be with me today...lol...
Smiles....wow...it works....the cleansing has begun....or maybe I'm just sleepy happy....and tired of bitching....
Until we meet again....