Building blocks....

I'm growing so much each day....and it amazes me. Not without pain, I have to say....but growing all the same. I can take the punches these days and remain standing....I can get the wind knocked out of me...and start breathing right away....and I can feel my eyes melting....and make it stop with a blink....I'm proud of me...I'm getting strong.
I can manage to find reasons to smile when my heart is bruised....and I can think happy thoughts even when I'm sad...my universe has grown so much that I can manage to fit in the bad and ugly without casting a shadow on all that's good....I'm proud of me.
I can bite the bullet and hear bad news without biting back....and I can even manage to find the way to justify the gun that shot me...lol. I can take so much more these days...without feeling sorry for myself...but more so accepting that everything doesn't work out the way I'd like it to...and it doesn't make my life any worse...but perhaps even better, because I learn more that way.
I can sit here and feel very sad without getting bitter....and wish things were different without wishing any ill...and I can understand that some things are meant to be and some are not...and that not everyone in the world will appreciate what I have to offer...and that even if they do, they might not always be ready to acknowledge it....
I can smile while I realize that I'm pretty amazing....even when I don't always feel that way...like now...
I can see that I deserve so much more than I get sometimes....but at the same time, I accept that I need to work harder for what I want....
And that I should accept that I won't get everything the way I want it...but that it might be better than nothing at all....
And that if it's not...I always have the choice to decide where I want to be....
I know that I don't need anyone to validate me, and that I'm special as I am....even though maybe not enough to some....and that my kids think so, and so does my family...
I accept days like today...not all fun and games but more of deep thoughts and sighs....because all together they make my life interesting....
I like the fact that I'll be remembered like a woman with passion, heart and strong opinions....and that these days are the building blocks of the rest of my life...
I know that some will grow with me...and some will grow apart from me....but in the end, they'll all think of me sometime....
And that my heart is going to break a million times before it's whole....and that I'll hurt much more than I'll laugh...but in the end it'll all be worth it, because I will find the joy that I need...
It's just a bumpy road....but I have the flashlight inside me to guide the way....
I know that I'll never be alone because I have a trunk full of memories in my head....and of feelings to go over and over on rainy days like today....
And that it'll be bittersweet....but I'll manage to take a few million more breaths before I'm done...
I like me these days...I really do...I've become a kind and caring human being....and proof of it is that today, I'm being kind to the one who really needs it....me.
I'll make mistakes... full of good intentions...and will give those I love the benefit of the doubt...and sometimes I'll laugh and sometimes I'll cry....but as long as I have hope...it's worth the try...lol, that rhymed!
I feel inspired for some reason....maybe it's the bottom of the pit...and I'm so numb that I'm flying....and so free that I can't really feel pain....I've done nothing wrong but feel....and I shouldn't feel ashamed....even if in the end...it's not corresponded...
I've always heard about that....when people feel... despite and in spite of anyone else...and I couldn't see myself in such an unconditional setting....but, I think I understand it today.
I'm not ashamed and not giving excuses or pretending I don't feel....to cover the pain of disappointment...and if that's not growing...I don't know what is...
I'm at peace with what I know...and am....and feel....
It's out there...it's known....and it's real....not assuming...or guessing anymore...take it or leave it...like it or not....
I'm not weak...I think I truly care....and it's new....and different....but is.
Deserving or not....those I care for...can consider themselves lucky...as I'm using brand new sense waves....have saved them for years....so they're pure...and clean...and fragile....
I give them out....it's my choice....nothing expected in return....if I make a mistake it's mine...my choice...my life....my waves....
It's deep....and saddening...and intense...but at the same time...it's overwhelming....I'm growing each second...with each keystroke...and breath....and thought....and smile....
For me, and no one else....just me...and nothing else...
I know what I know....and I can do with it as I please....I could sit here and tear it to shreds or I can keep growing....and growing....and growing....
So I choose to smile...and grow...and let go....