Boundaries...and resentment

So, why is it that people play all these silly mental games...if in the end, we won't have enough time to spend with the people we love...and won't get to tell them everything we feel anyway...isn't it all just a huge waste? I mean, why not just put it all out there and hope that someonew will appreciate it...but if they don't it's not the end of the world because feelings are what they are...and even if they're not corresponded doesn't mean they're less valid. Marriage and monogamy were imposed socially by someone who wanted to organize what I imagine was mass chaos at one point...and to avoid genetic disorders by people procreating among their own...right? That sounds as close to a logical theory as any....so, here we are...tied to a commitment someone else thought was a good idea...and why even analyze it? Well...there would be alot less infidelity...if it wasn't forbidden to want anyone else's spouse! It's the fact that you can't and shouldn't do it...that makes it so appealing...I mean, it's human nature to feel attraction to more than one person...and even be compatible with more than one person and care for more than one person...then why the whole commitment to one person thing? I really don't know if it's that I'm just not in agreement with it...or I'm rationalizing going against the whole principle of fidelity for my own convenience...but I'm not alone by far and it's happening all over the world...every day...in fact at this very minute I'm sure someone is cheating somewhere...and loving the hell out of it!
Now, there are degrees to the whole thing...and that's a blog on it's own...and people who do it for different reasons...but, for good people like me...people that care...and are decent...or like my gfds that I know have strayed at one point or another...or even the men that I know that have....it's, I believe...just the flaws of humanity...that drive it and the fact that monogamy is just plain unnatural.
But anway...this blog wasn't intended to go and deep dive into the social implications of cheating and all that jazz...but more so...explain why I think it's so utterly stupid that people set boundaries...instead of showing what they feel....it's the damn mind games that I'm just about tired of...because for instance...so I had this crush on a guy for along time...never said anything...so he went and got involved with someone else...there's another guy with whom I've been involved that doesn't say much anything about anything...so, I'm kinda in a relationship but I'm not...have the opportunity to have some fun elsewhere but can't bring myself to because of how I feel about him...among other moralistic reasons...lol...I mean, where does the bs stop?
Now about resentment....lol....and I can hold barrils of that....without even having to catch my breath....I resent that I was invisible to this guy for so long and suddenly I'm not...I resent that I'm nothing to the other one...and I resent that my husband has been such a clueless individual that has put me in the position of even contemplating other people, period!
3 men and no satisfaction.....fucking unbelievable!
If I put them all in a food processor I might get something half decent out of it all....but, no such luck!
And the saddest part is, that I'm most inclined towards the one that is the most impossible of them all...only one of them actually brings out the best in me...he's taken the time to...listen, and guide...and be patient...and I love him very very much.
But he also makes me so angry...because he blocks me....and keeps me out...boundaries....
he knows all about those...and I just tag along...he's an amazing man...very special to me...I think he's ruined me for other men...lol...and I'm not even joking....he's far from perfect...but, it's his imperfections and how they just make sense to me sometimes that I really like...
I also know he probably doesn't deserve the way that I feel about him...especially because he's so dettached from me...and has put up so many walls to keep me at arms's length....but, I feel what I feel, whether he wants me to ....or not.
He can be tender...and affectionate....and loving....and caring....and passionate...
Am I in love with him? I think...that I've talked myself into not admitting that, not even if tortured...lol...but, it sure sounds like I could be...what does that mean, anyway...being in love?
I know I love him...care about him...want him to be happy and safe...and well...with or without me...I'm very grateful to him...for being so sweet and loving to me...even it's not in the traditional way I would have imagined it...but if you take his actions and translate them...one could see...that he does love me....no question...but probably has as much of an issue admitting that, than I have of alot of things too...so we're not that different really....
And all of this is fine and dandy...but for what? We're friends...end of story...we have lives...that go on separately from each other...and that's the way it's always going to be....
Wouldn't it be something....if years and years from now...the circumstances would allow for him to make this big wild romantic confession to me? lmao....now I'm really delusional...it was a nice thought though...
Probably by then...I'd resent him so much that I'd keep anything from happening...like with the other mister in the picture now...
I want to just leave all feelings aside and just have fun....I swear...I've thought of just letting things go the way they may...and not think too much about it...accumulate the experience that I've been complaining so much that I don't have....besides...what difference would it make to anyone? Hubby doesn't know...so what you don't know won't hurt you....T doesn't care...so why the hell am I stalling? I can have mind boggling whatever I want with a man that is obviously nuts over me these days....hormones or not...who gives a damn, really?
Maybe I can tell the difference...and finally understand what I feel for T...I mean, let's say I let it happen...and fall all goo goo over this guy then I'll know that's all there is for T....post sexual attachment that has carried over beyond our friendship getting confused for something deeper...and if I hate it...lmao then, I'll know that I probably have deeper feelings than I thought. It sounds terrible to almost use this guy for my own selfish experiment...but hey, he'd love it! lol...so it's a win win...no matter how you look at it...and if he gets too hooked I'll just apply all of the psychology T has worked on me...the whole well, I care about you but that's about all there is...to it...bid. Brilliant!! And crazy, I know...
I almost feel like I want to do something because I'm upset....and I want to get over him...already...but won't I end up getting hurt?
Ok, now flipside...I do it...and fall head over heels...lmao another impossible situation...
Nah...I would probably go business as usual...somehow I feel an attraction but it's not half as strong as I've felt...maybe it was the challenge of getting him to notice me, and now it's not as fun? Hmmm....
Or maybe I'm just a crazy bitch who has no clue of what she wants....yep, I think the jury concurrs on that last statement...either way...I'll probably keep whatever happens next...to myself...Till next time...