Just one of those days....

It might be close to that time of the month again, because my skin has thinned a bit. I'm getting good at holding it in though, not sure it's a good thing in the end....it feels like a pressure cooker waiting to blow. My son and his mood swings...answering back to me...damn genes, that child has my temper and it drives me insane. The girls are behaving though...I'm not too available these days though...not really thinking about anything in particular...but spaced out at times...almost like I don't really want to be anywhere...why can't we just take little breaks from life? lol...sounds depressing and dangerous I know...but seriously...just flip off the switch temporarily...go into a vegetative state...and then flip it back on when we're good and ready. Not sure I'd flip it back on too often...lol. Nah...it's not that bad...I'm just in a dark mood today...angry not sure at what or who...sad...just because...and not too motivated for much...must be PMS season...lol.
It's amazing how it takes away from me...I can feel it, that I get tired drying my hair out...not really in the mood to fix it nicely...make up is a pain in the ass...and everything looks awful because I'm bloated and my butt's too big...lol. The toe is much better though...can master those high heels already...thank heavens...it was about time.
People talk to me and I really have to make an effort to pay attention, because I'm not really interested in what anyone has to say...it's all the same bs anyway...work, relationships...friends...family...it's like you live the same exact crap day in and day out...wow, dark cloud over my head today...
I'm bugged...pissed...upset...just blah....and I wish I could just scream and cry and tell people to sit on a cactus and spin...lol. God I feel like crying so much today...but I've gotten really good at putting it in the back of my head...and leaving it there...I don't want to be around when it all comes floading down...I want to sleep, but hate the thoughts that take me there...I want to close my eyes...and hate the images that I see...I want to relax...and listen to some music...so I get my mp3....and when the room is dark...and everyone is asleep...I can let go...
It feels good, to let go sometimes....a good 30 minute weep and then back to business...
Amazing how close people can be, and have no clue...of what goes on in my mind...or what troubles me...how little we ever get to know anyone...
Yep, has to be the hormones....a little sensitive today...and yes, I know the triggers...but, not going to talk about that today...hopefully not anymore...I'm not sure I like this new and improved me...that has the thin skin....and goes around telling people how she feels....but hey, I'm stuck with her....lol.
Reality check....my daughter needs me...back to earth....till tomorrow...

As the Blog Turns....

Busy day today....nice, kept my mind off of the silly things....and I must be hallucinating because I think I might have actually caught a glimpse of some feeling in the call with him today...
Scratch that....just hung up the phone and had some interesting revelation....why am I not surprised? So...as it turns out T, the saint...took two, not one...but two strippers to his room...
This is not good....and I can't really write about it....my thinking brain says it was a long time ago...and he wouldn't tell me the truth because of my reaction...have I been this clueless? What has he been playing for all this time?
I don't want to write anymore....

Vicariously through T.V....LOL

As boring of a day as today is.... I shipped the troops out yet again, to just relax in the calm of home...and decided to watch some meaningless t.v. but leave it to me, to find meaning in any ole thing...lol. This little show was about a couple of teens...ice skaters...she's in love with him...doesn't tell him...but hopes he'll guess...lol...not to say that I'm in the same boat but can really relate to the not telling people how I truly feel thing...is it fear of rejection, or being ridiculed, or worse realizing that it's in vain? I really don't know what the whole love thing really means at this point...how does one know if the feelings are deep...or deep enough..for what? To me, love has translated in security..doing the right thing...roughing in, tolerating...and showing affection once in awhile...
I'm pretty sure, I think my feelings for T are stronger than they really are, because of the whole learning bid...I've gone from emotionally insecure, to self confident and from know it all...to admitting mistakes and learning from them. It's helped me all across the board...and when I trace it back to when it all started, it does coincide with him wandering into my life...he's really had a positive effect on me...and I don't really get that uncomfy when I'm vulnerable around him...heck, I'm pretty much in that state most of the time anyway...lol.
But, realistically...it's probably just a beautiful friendship...and since things have escalated physically I get it mixed up with something else...friends with benefits...yes, I still have the need to label it once in awhile...but whatever it's called...it's important to me. Important in a way that not many relationships have been...he's consistent...even in annoying me...but I know what to expect...or not...lol, ain't that the truth! It's actually a positive trait....pretty simple guy, straight to the point...practical...so, why do I always have the sense that there's more to him than meets the eye? Why can't I accept that he might be a simple being? Hmmm...good question...I think he's being perceived as simple...is part of his complexity..lmao...yes, I do understand what that means even if no one else might...
How many blogs will I write before I completely figure him out? Am I trying to figure him out...or myself? Am I making a mistake analyzing my situation with him so radically...and so definitaly to the point where I'm building walls where they might get in my way someday? Am I sending him all the wrong messages by confirming over and over how I don't feel about him?
It's a pride thing...
I can feel it...
I know how he doesn't feel about me...so I'll be damned if I'll ever let myself let my guard down..
Very silly, I know...but my pride is one of the few things I can hang onto when all else fails...
He's so cold though....when it comes to the things that might potentially get to him...is it that he's really that heartless, or...does he activate the defenses like I do?
Sighs....I'm not getting anywhere with this....and I never will....my stubbornness is overwhelming when it comes to him...and my spoiled brat nature just can't accept that he's not crazy about me by now...that's all.
And...that makes me sad. There...I said it.
I wish he did love me....
And miss me...and think about me always....
Even if his life were to be the same forever...
I would like to know...that if his life were different...it would be me.
Wow....that was like pulling teeth...but, it feels good...to just put it out there...
And....in the same breath...I know that he doesn't....and funny enough, that doesn't change the fact that he's important to me...all the same...
I'd do it all over again....I really mean that....
So yeah...I guess I do have the shortest end of the stick....but I'm not completely empty handed...I did get a good friend out of it....
And as long as I remember that it's all that it can be....everyone will be ok...
I think it's hysterical how an episode with someone else...can bring clarity on one's feelings for someone...beyond what I was aware of....and I guess it's not a bad thing or a good thing...it is...what it is...
It'll pass...all of it...in time...
I'm taking these warm and fuzzy thoughts to nap with me....buh bye...

Gray morning....

Kids are out and about....hubby is working...and the house is a royal mess...how's that for a reality check? I need to get lunch going, have aunt, grandma and sister over soon...isn't this just so much fun??? lol...Tomorrow's going to be a packed day...and hopefully so much activity will keep my mind on productive thoughts...as opposed to the wasted ones I've been having lately...
I can totally see myself as the workaholic that throws herself into long hours, to avoid dealing with real life...once my kids are gone...but, there are still a few years left there...and I'm glad...they balance me out...don't know what I'll do without them...wow....it's really going to put things in perspective them in terms of my marriage...but, as I said...still yeaaaaaaaars away...and I can only hope to be alive and kicking by then...who know...g'd and his sense of humor never seize to amaze me...so, one day at a time...
I should probably get this oversized butt off of here and on to cleaning...YUCK! Not really in the mood...but, gotta do what you gotta do...no maid on Sundays, poor spoiled me...lol. I feel like sleeping...don't really want to think anymore...in a blah mood...need to work out of it...must be the gray sky and the rain...yep...seasonal depression signs...lol..thank heavens I don't live abroad...
Yawns...gosh I'm lazy today....toe still hurts a bit...and it's kinda chilly here with all windows closed...blah and blah...it'll get better later, I'm sure...
Hugs to me today....till tomorrow...

Patterns....

Trying to find some here...and one thought comes to mind....good men. I like honest to goodness kind hearted, soft....men, that can also be passionate and steamy...and knock my socks off. But they need to be gentle...and caring...and tender...and, they all are...lol.
I think it's really funny, and the be-careful-what-you-wish-for saying comes to mind...because my life right now, is anything but dull...LOL, at least not on the inside...although appearances can be deceiving and boy have I learned that lesson well....
Comparisons are hateful, yet I keep falling into them...well, and I'm only human and have never had so many people together to compare...lmao, so I think I can make a tiny exception here for the sake of analysis and mental clarity, no?
Positives....everyone seems to cherish my friendship beyond physicality...and for someone with few friends...good ones...that's a winner any day.
Positives....nobody wants to intentionally hurt me...
Positivies...charming men surround me...lol, and that always is positive...
Bummer....well, nature of the circumstances...
Bummer....that's pretty much it...because having met any of these guys under different terms might have actually been a positive...lol and I'd be bitching about them...and thinking about someone else probably...HA!
Seriously though...it's fun to wake up one day, age 35 and realize that not only do I have it going on...but it's all over the board! And that I'm not an asshole magnet...g'd forbid...or I would be a mess by now....not that they don't have asshole potential...all men do...lol, but for some reason they're not inclined to use it on me...must be the adorable factor...LOL
Maybe the night on the beach was just a moment...and it needs to be left alone...time will tell I guess...lol@his comment of a potential trip in October...that would be pretty darn dangerous I'd say...but hey, if it's meant to be...lol who am I to stand in the way of fate? laughing...
Not that anyone would give a rat's ass anyway...lol
Why am I so hung up on that?
I know...as I told him that jealousy isn't an indicator of caring but more so of insecurity...but I believe that any warm blooded human being would feel SOMETHING if the woman they've been carrying on an intimate relationship with...was contemplating getting physical with someone else...much much closer...right? Maybe the warm blood is the x factor....it gets pretty cold where he's at....maybe it's broken his internal thermometer...frozen to the core...
Knowing how practical he is...he's probably thinking well...if it's what she wants...and bla bla all that crap...plus she's not my wife...so why get all bothered about it...she can do as she pleases...freedom, understanding and all that liberal bullshit that floats around his brain hotel...
I would feel something...if it was him...for sure...
Maybe not full blow hysteria...but would skip a beat or two....if, it hasn't happened already...because I'm walking evidence that there's no sainthood in this world...everyone has a secret...or several...and knowing how driven he is...who knows...oh well....none of my business...not even getting into that one...
We're friends...end of story....and even if I banged someone for days....he'd still tell me how proud he is of me...go figure....takes all kinds to make the world go around, I guess...and as a friend I'm important, but that's about the extent of it...he doesn't feel he has any claim over me...and, well...it's a true fact.
The mean streak in me would love to tell him that I did....lol just to see...but, knowing him I'd end up getting some sort of cheer and congratulation speech....lol
So much for this relationship meaning anything to him beyond the friendship...why do I keep expecting for it to mean something?...
Anyways...trampled on a sore one again....not feeling like writing about it anymore...next week...is another week...and I'm going to focus on work...the productive stuff...
We'll probably lose touch with my busy schedule anyway....things will continue to change...
I just hope he doesn't experience the same as the new guy that when I'm not around...he'll realize that he actually feels something...whatever...nite.

Boundaries...and resentment

So, why is it that people play all these silly mental games...if in the end, we won't have enough time to spend with the people we love...and won't get to tell them everything we feel anyway...isn't it all just a huge waste? I mean, why not just put it all out there and hope that someonew will appreciate it...but if they don't it's not the end of the world because feelings are what they are...and even if they're not corresponded doesn't mean they're less valid. Marriage and monogamy were imposed socially by someone who wanted to organize what I imagine was mass chaos at one point...and to avoid genetic disorders by people procreating among their own...right? That sounds as close to a logical theory as any....so, here we are...tied to a commitment someone else thought was a good idea...and why even analyze it? Well...there would be alot less infidelity...if it wasn't forbidden to want anyone else's spouse! It's the fact that you can't and shouldn't do it...that makes it so appealing...I mean, it's human nature to feel attraction to more than one person...and even be compatible with more than one person and care for more than one person...then why the whole commitment to one person thing? I really don't know if it's that I'm just not in agreement with it...or I'm rationalizing going against the whole principle of fidelity for my own convenience...but I'm not alone by far and it's happening all over the world...every day...in fact at this very minute I'm sure someone is cheating somewhere...and loving the hell out of it!
Now, there are degrees to the whole thing...and that's a blog on it's own...and people who do it for different reasons...but, for good people like me...people that care...and are decent...or like my gfds that I know have strayed at one point or another...or even the men that I know that have....it's, I believe...just the flaws of humanity...that drive it and the fact that monogamy is just plain unnatural.
But anway...this blog wasn't intended to go and deep dive into the social implications of cheating and all that jazz...but more so...explain why I think it's so utterly stupid that people set boundaries...instead of showing what they feel....it's the damn mind games that I'm just about tired of...because for instance...so I had this crush on a guy for along time...never said anything...so he went and got involved with someone else...there's another guy with whom I've been involved that doesn't say much anything about anything...so, I'm kinda in a relationship but I'm not...have the opportunity to have some fun elsewhere but can't bring myself to because of how I feel about him...among other moralistic reasons...lol...I mean, where does the bs stop?
Now about resentment....lol....and I can hold barrils of that....without even having to catch my breath....I resent that I was invisible to this guy for so long and suddenly I'm not...I resent that I'm nothing to the other one...and I resent that my husband has been such a clueless individual that has put me in the position of even contemplating other people, period!
3 men and no satisfaction.....fucking unbelievable!
If I put them all in a food processor I might get something half decent out of it all....but, no such luck!
And the saddest part is, that I'm most inclined towards the one that is the most impossible of them all...only one of them actually brings out the best in me...he's taken the time to...listen, and guide...and be patient...and I love him very very much.
But he also makes me so angry...because he blocks me....and keeps me out...boundaries....
he knows all about those...and I just tag along...he's an amazing man...very special to me...I think he's ruined me for other men...lol...and I'm not even joking....he's far from perfect...but, it's his imperfections and how they just make sense to me sometimes that I really like...
I also know he probably doesn't deserve the way that I feel about him...especially because he's so dettached from me...and has put up so many walls to keep me at arms's length....but, I feel what I feel, whether he wants me to ....or not.
He can be tender...and affectionate....and loving....and caring....and passionate...
Am I in love with him? I think...that I've talked myself into not admitting that, not even if tortured...lol...but, it sure sounds like I could be...what does that mean, anyway...being in love?
I know I love him...care about him...want him to be happy and safe...and well...with or without me...I'm very grateful to him...for being so sweet and loving to me...even it's not in the traditional way I would have imagined it...but if you take his actions and translate them...one could see...that he does love me....no question...but probably has as much of an issue admitting that, than I have of alot of things too...so we're not that different really....
And all of this is fine and dandy...but for what? We're friends...end of story...we have lives...that go on separately from each other...and that's the way it's always going to be....
Wouldn't it be something....if years and years from now...the circumstances would allow for him to make this big wild romantic confession to me? lmao....now I'm really delusional...it was a nice thought though...
Probably by then...I'd resent him so much that I'd keep anything from happening...like with the other mister in the picture now...
I want to just leave all feelings aside and just have fun....I swear...I've thought of just letting things go the way they may...and not think too much about it...accumulate the experience that I've been complaining so much that I don't have....besides...what difference would it make to anyone? Hubby doesn't know...so what you don't know won't hurt you....T doesn't care...so why the hell am I stalling? I can have mind boggling whatever I want with a man that is obviously nuts over me these days....hormones or not...who gives a damn, really?
Maybe I can tell the difference...and finally understand what I feel for T...I mean, let's say I let it happen...and fall all goo goo over this guy then I'll know that's all there is for T....post sexual attachment that has carried over beyond our friendship getting confused for something deeper...and if I hate it...lmao then, I'll know that I probably have deeper feelings than I thought. It sounds terrible to almost use this guy for my own selfish experiment...but hey, he'd love it! lol...so it's a win win...no matter how you look at it...and if he gets too hooked I'll just apply all of the psychology T has worked on me...the whole well, I care about you but that's about all there is...to it...bid. Brilliant!! And crazy, I know...
I almost feel like I want to do something because I'm upset....and I want to get over him...already...but won't I end up getting hurt?
Ok, now flipside...I do it...and fall head over heels...lmao another impossible situation...
Nah...I would probably go business as usual...somehow I feel an attraction but it's not half as strong as I've felt...maybe it was the challenge of getting him to notice me, and now it's not as fun? Hmmm....
Or maybe I'm just a crazy bitch who has no clue of what she wants....yep, I think the jury concurrs on that last statement...either way...I'll probably keep whatever happens next...to myself...Till next time...

Timing...is everything....

I can understand how the little ugly duckkings that turn into swans feel...and it's not all positive, really. I mean...why didn't people appreciate and see them for what they were before the transformation? Like him...why now? I was here...all this time, and he couldn't even see me...so now is a good time...yeah, well....don't think so...plus...truthfully...my heart isn't in it....and I do care about him alot....funny, but it doesn't feel right...and for far more reasons than the obvious...
A quick fix won't make up for what I really would like to experience...and well, I'd rather wait, I guess....wow...loyalty? I don't know what it is...don't really need to....
Ironically though...I must be clear that it's for me...because "he" doesn't really care one way or the other...sighs...nobody is getting what they truly want these days I guess....
Too tired to write...amazing...and kinda discouraged....till tomorrow...

Temptation...

There's something to be said about faithful and monogamous people....two words...will power! Who would purposely say no to pleasure and letting go of all inhibitions....to say hello to routine? Yes, I know...all the normal and decent people out there....we're not animals...bla bla...I get it...but, letting go just feels sooooo good...lol.
So, I'm making a rational choice...stay away...only communicate by phone...maybe that'll help the desire fade? I mean, I'm pretty sure it's just a case of I-want-what-I-can't-have....and knowing the impediments makes it even more desirable...predictable little creatures us humans can be....
I KNOW in my thinking brain that it's wrong...not the right person to get in trouble with...just by the way he talks about the other one...but...I guess I'm a sucker for sticky situations....because, it excites me...in fact, just teasing and knowing it's not escalating is what makes it such a high...plus of course the power that knowing he's crazy about me...gives me....I mean, he can't carry a conversation anymore...walking temptation he called me today...and, as much of slut that that makes me...I love it!
Ok...let's get this straight....I can't stop looking at this mouth...and his hands...and wondering...to the point where I can feel physically aroused....with no apparent stimulation other than my brain....so, he tells me how beautiful my eyes are...oldest line in the book....but the fact that he's never said that to me...with those eyes...and that voice...just makes it...disarming...
Or when he asks me point blank...if I want to....and I can't get the words out of my mouth....or...or...lmao@me....when he tells me that he wants to do...something specific...that most men really like....and that...I just go crazy over....lol....and he's sitting right across from me...not 3,000 miles away...am I crazy??????? To say no?????
So, if I could just have sex for the sake of sex....and forget about it all the next day...I would...just for the sake of experience...but, we all know that's utopia...because with his latin genes and my intensity...we'd never see the end of it....it would turn into a little bit more each time..until we're completely lost...
I mean...he asked me to go with him to his house...that he's building...for his wife!!! And for what? Inspect how strong the floors are?...lol...thank heavens for common sense...and my will power because even at the peak of hormonal bliss...I've managed to see through the bs...and stay in a somewhat safe zone...or am I? Isn't bad enough that I even think about it...and get all hot and bothered? Or is that what's allowed...and only that?
So today...I did something I probably shouldn't....which ended in me calling it quits for awhile...and not seeing each other...for now...until hormones get back in gear...
He said he'd come over....I waited he didn't show...apparently we missed each other...and he did go over and ended up waiting for me for half an hour....I went over and left him a snotty notes and some brownies I had offered....end of story...he calls...and I was heading home and turned back...TURNED BACK! What am I....stupid????
So I rationalized by thinking...well how rude of me for making him wait...I need to make it up to him...but how much of it was being nice, and how much was me taking the opportunity to sit there and continue the teasing....back and forth....I have to admit...it's fun!
Good news...it was all very public...nothing happened...other than the usual questions...and memory flashes....and me telling him we should stay away from each other until it all passes...he didn't want to...until he accepted....good....let's see how long it lasts....
This is surreal to even write about...oh, and funny enough...every time I'm there...she calls!
Makes me feel bad...knowing how she feels...and I don't....that I'm wasting the time that she wants...but on the other hand...
He's inmature...so enough thinking....not happening....
I mean, if he can talk about her to me...imagine what he'd do about me with the next....nope...can't take that chance...
Well, not sure that's entirely a true hypothesis...because I talk about him....but just with someone in particular...maybe it's a trust thing? And not lack of character?
In any event, it's playing with fire...and I'm not about to get burnt for no apparent reason...right?
But...it's exciting...and interesting...and reminds me once again of how beginnings feel...lol...even though this one starts and ends at just about the same spot...
So, he asked me again...where I met the other one...if in those sleezy little motels..what the heck does he think??? Who does he think I am? As if...no matter how swept away noone is getting me into one of those...lol
Ok....and I know it's hateful to compare...but my nature urges me to...what's the inventory here?
Mature vs. inmature, experienced vs. maybe experienced....did I say mature vs. inmature? lol
He has his charm though...no question about it....his eyes...he knows what to say...how to look at me...to disarm me....if I let him...but, won't.
Completely crazy about me vs....lol...well, interested...
Can't get me out of his head vs....manages his feelings until he can see me again...very calculated..
Passionate...vs. passionate...
Painfully drawn to me vs....interested...lol
Doesn't want any other man to look at me...vs....couldn't care less who looks at me or does me for that matter...
Did I say crazy about me vs. interested? LOL
Yes, women are idiots....and I might be easy but damn....that stuff goes a long way...
I mean from a rational standpoint it's great a man that can stay in control of himself and most things...but from a passion standpoint you want crazy...madly head over heels...can't keep it in his pants anymore...lol
You want impulsive over controlled...
Heat over warmth...
I know...that if that man were to lay a hand on me...he'd drive me wild....there, I found the reason why I don't want to do it...and can't and won't....lol
But my god I can think about it...lmao
So....game plan is distance...this time purposely self imposed...let's see how it goes...
Until tomorrow....

Once upon a naive....

Life doesn't seize to amaze me, and the ability people have to surprise me is outstanding...but it's all about my being so damn naive....I mean, what's good enough for me is good enough for anyone else...but, he had sex with her!!!! I mean, I knew it...sensed it...but it was confirmed...my goodness...I AM the queen of naivete...or however the hell it's written...lol.
So the skeletons are out of the closet...he knows mine...I know his....and now what? Back to square one. It actually makes it easier now...to stop it all at this point...especially knowing how number one ended...lol My double standards are funny...I don't like him much right now...but can't understand his being bugged about my previous situation....
Nothing really makes sense to me today...it's like the past year has been...what? I don't even know anymore...I mean, when asked what it was about...I can't even find the answers...friendship?
Did I love him, he asked me...well of course...not in love though....
How long did it last? I told him a year...saw him 4 times...and BAM he connected the dots somehow...
Talked about the bthday present and how suspicious that was to him....
How we interacted and how obvious it was...
Told me what hotel they went to....more info than I needed...
Asked where I had gone...lmao, silence...
And suddenly, here I am...talking to my friend of years...about all the things we've hidden from each other...makes you wonder....if anyone ever does tell the truth anymore...
Not sure how I feel about it all....so he says he's flying on a helicopter tomorrow...that if something happens I should know that he loves me...
That he knows that nothing will ever happen....
That he wants it to...but knows that I won't...especially now that I know that other thing....and I don't want to feel used...and like second fiddle...well, that and all the other obvious obstacles...
Why am I even thinking about any of this?
This is all so bizarre...like I've walked into the twilight zone....
Confessing sins...over the phone...after hours...baring our souls...doesn't really seem like the smartest way to end anything...
Well, at least the elimination of anything physical is out there....
He knows I won't....but he's still hanging around...
Is this something men do, to prove their interest and eventually get some?
I feel naive when I believe that people can genuinely care about me....why is that?
Maybe because men usually think with their lower head?
lmao...can't believe I wrote that...
So, now I'm not the biggest fan of men all of sudden...what's going on?
Has anyone mentioned he's having a baby in a couple of months? Has one woman in love with him...and another...that he talks to secretly to cleanse his aura...lol
Is anyone faithful anymore? Is monogamy obsolete? Is it the heat in this country that turns everything to hell?
I swear...if I didn't like sex so much, I'd try celibacy....it really seems like the whole bang bang thing complicates things...men, women...geeze...
And feelings...who the hell needs those? Fuck like monkeys and move on...right?
OMG@him....telling me sex with him would have been better...lmao...
Men and their penises...and their egos...I never knew....this is actually funny if you really think about it...I'd never had thought to tell him he would have had a better time with me...although he probably would have...lmao more meat....laughing....shup Becca...
I wonder...if I had had sex with him...what mr T would have said....lol....probably would have enjoyed hearing about it....or would he?
Not really sure he liked being compared to him in styles....of kissing....lol
Wow...this is like living college times all in a year....growing like a darn beanstalk in jack in the beanstalk...who planted the slut seeds????
Sex, drugs and rock and roll...are now....marriage, infidelity....and surprises....lmao
Have I just lost my marbles completely?
The saddest thing is....I feel ALIVE....
Craziness and all...drama...and all....I can feel...something....and I prefer that to nothing, anyday..
So, he slept with her....and now that he's bored of her...he thinks I'm on the market....ha!
Pride is a good thing at times...and this time it'll keep me safe....
Are people having sex with everyone????? Why have I been so clueless????
Has the other one been lying to me to? About where he's been, what he's done...who he's done....how often he does this kind of thing? I mean...if the one I've been rambling about...that I pretty much thought was a saint....made of stone...did it...then how can I doubt that mr. passion has done it more than with just me....do I want to know? Probably not....but I guess I'll have to assume that he has...
Oh well...so noone is special anymore and people just choose to play hide the salami with just anyone these days....
I'm actually kinda pissed...
Well...the trick is...now that I know...I can handle things any way I want to....
If people play games...maybe I can learn one or two...
Nothing is sacred anymore....and that kinda bothers me...even about myself...
Loyalty is further and further away....I mean, look at me....I went for pizza....at the first chance I got...and so will he...if he hasn't already...probably has...because if I did....
Yannow? Fuck it...
I don't care....everyone can just go and screw the entire world for all I care....
I'm hurt....that nothing is special...
No matter what you do...someone has been there before...done it before...said it before...
Men suck, really...

Just wow....

Not sure if it's a good or bad wow....but wow...lol. I'm going through what has been probably the most interesting times in my life...who knew that 35 would be the year of the dragon...LOL...whatever that means. Seriously though....I'm almost starting to believe in that whole be careful what you wish for thing...work, I'm getting what I want....the infamous move off of the program finally a reality...and someone who I thought was oblivious to my presence...turns out has been carrying a torch for awhile....yep, wow times....
Add that to my kids growing up so quickly....at a time when I'd really with they'd stay little for a bit longer...hubby finally showing some understanding...the apartment that I wanted...good family relationship....maybe it truly IS the end of the world? LOL. I'd be lying if I said I didn't like this new attention....knowing that someone is after me...instead of me after someone for a damn change...sighs....speaking of which...talk about odd odd ODD conversations...the one where the married woman tells her lover, or former lover/friend or whatever the heck they are after sleeping together several times and talking almost every single day....that she made out with yet another guy...who is not her husband....lol. I'm glad he took it so well....although I'm sure that he wouldn't have shown it even if he hadn't...so I guess I'll have to believe what I hear...
In any event....I'm glad that I could talk to him about it....now watch him be my advisor on extra whatever situations...lmao I really meant it though today when I said that I believe that I understand him a bit more....it's not that he doesn't feel anything...he just wants to stay above water...and I can relate to that...today. All that lovey dovey crap just creates issues...lol...
Ok, so...what are my thoughts? How do I feel? Honestly....pretty good....it was nice...and sweet...and I can't think of anyone that would hate if someone they already care about...that happens to be cute and a bit charming....tells them that they're crazy about them...lol...literally...I mean the words that were flowing out of that mouth were just unreal...
And for me...a sucker for romance...it really hit the spot....the setting...and all, was just like something I would have thought up myself for an awesome evening....and no sex!
Maybe it doesn't have to really mean anything other than a sweet friendship....I seem to be accumulating lots of those lately...do you think I'll get miles for it? Gosh I hope not!
Hmmm what do I feel? A little excitement....yes....it feels good...has made me smile a few times...but I can sense the caution...very different than last time where I let myself get completely swept away...I can feel that I'm stronger now...which is great! Plus...I had already gotten used to not paying much attention to him...so I think it's also habit somewhat...lol...
I definitaley like the sensation...crazy and all...I think I'm just plain messed up in the head....

And the plot thickens...

One moment I'm packing to head out on an office outting, the next...I have a broken toe...that's the best illustration of how suddenly life can change...one minute you're ok...and the next, who knows...even more reason to suck the juices out of it, really...
Several screams, tears and bandages later, I managed to get to my weekend journey limping and all. It revealed that I have changed...the pain didn't stop me from having a great time...sang karaoke the first night and danced till the morning....lol. Of course, the poor toe is many shades of blue and purple...but, I loved every second of it.
How little we really know people...or how well people can hide how they feel...or even better yet...how we can suck at reading people...is amazing. I found that out this weekend...
Of course alcohol is one of the best truth serums, I had heard...but hadn't quite experienced it as I did this weekend....
To make a long story...even longer...lol...it seems that I'm more attractive and desired than I had thought...and that someone has been carrying a torch for me for a very long time...and I hadn't really noticed....or had I?
Not sure how I feel about it...it's all pretty surreal...so, I'm just trying to stay grounded and not give it too much thunder. Life goes on...as usual..and tomorrow is another day...
I feel guilty even writing about it...too funny...my life has really taken some interesting turns in the past year...who knew?
Maybe I AM in my prime...lmao...dangerous times...
Life is pretty good today...

The makeover....

So, I'm back to brunette....went as dark as my nerve allowed it....layers, but still same length...looks good...different...tan is almost completely gone, so I think I look whiter if that's at all possible....lol. Anyway...the big deal isn't the color or the shape, but the fact that women are driven to make radical changes when shit hits the fan...is about to hit the fan...or has already splattered over the off white furniture...Not sure really where I stand in all those, but there's shit...and there's a fan...and that called for a makeover. My grays are covered...thank goodness...and with my very loud and almost maternity top like red and white flowery blouse...I look good! Long pause...and sarcastic smile here....lol, but I don't feel that great....but, I guess that's the point in trying to look the part...so that perhaps in time...I'll actually feel it...
I have this song in my head...from an italian singer Elisa...called Dancing...I hum it all day now...and listen to it on my mp3...it's one of those wrist cutting...depressing ones...lmao...that I feel drawn to listen over and over to....and it makes me feel very very sad....but once I get the fix...I can move on...and focus on the rest of my life....
Sometimes I'm taken back by my own ability to feel....so so deeply....so so intensly...the positive...the negative...the everythings...and the nothings....smiles...
I was discussing will power with my son this evening, and the fact that hubby won't quit smoking...and how some people have it and some don't....and how the stronger ones can let go of things...and people, I thought...and those without will power...the weak....always dangle...in the addictions that life has to offer....and I guess I was admitting to myself my own weaknesses....but I'm strong so far....yay for me! What's the prize? Sighs....growth? At times it doesn't seem like enough....

Change and inspiration....

It's a known fact that muses are everywhere and I might have found mine...although maybe too little too late. The growth process is both intriguing in living things like plants and animals but even more so in human beings...and inspiration blossoms in the most bizarre of places....in the middle of war, when an average reporter is inspired by a scene that earns him/her an award....in the bathroom, where for some the best business ideas flourish. It might not even be in a specific place, but in a situation instead. Overwhelmed and feeling helpless...I remembered a nickname of sorts that someone dear to be bestowed upon me...granted, that not because of the most flattering of traits...but it was in fact, my inconsistencies that earned me my first Flip Flop...and in his honor and because I think it's brilliant...I will summarize in this blog...every single one of my flip flops to come..and I can foresee there will be many....and will from today on call them the Flip Flop Diaries...as a testimonial of my journey from girl to woman....starting at the age of 35, three kids...a 16 year old marriage...and one affair later...who says experience isn't just grand? Who knows...maybe it might even be worth the read....one day, for my fellow 35 year old girls out there...
This feels like a milestone...lol, wow...who knew? And to honor change and inspiration, this will be the shortest blog yet...as I rev my creative engine to squeeze the juices out of my life....
Bon soire...

Keeping the faith....

It's funny how there's a lesson to be learned EVERYWHERE....my son and I just got back from puppy hunting....I thought a baby pup might lift my spirits today...no such luck...didn't really fall for the critter...not that I'm easy on the falling game anymore...heavens forbid....but anyway...I'm explaining to my son how some choices need long processes...like adding a new member to the family...like a dog...looking for one that doesn't shed too much because of the girls allergies..one that isn't too high maintenance...I have enough of that with myself....and it was amazing how he didn't seem to understand me...the whole concept of patience...waiting...not rushing things...how it all rang so simple to me, was so hard for him to grasp...and yet, that's my life right now...I've been impatient...and I've not had enough faith in myself...in others....in how things might just be what I want them to be...in time. I'm impulsive...like my son...and I want instant gratification....when, as I explained to him...it might not always be the best choice...in the long run.
I was waiting for the elevator with him...and it dawned on me...I have the emotional intelligence of a 13 year old when it comes to the things I want and I can be as annoying as my son...pushing for it...when some adults around me find it fit to explain to me...that it's not necessarily the best idea..at the time. Not to say that he's the adult here...I'm not about to begin a Becca put down session here...but really...I just can see the obvious sometimes...
Just as I trust that I can go pup shopping some more and will end up with the right pet...if I choose to do so...no hurry...I should also have been confident that in time...feelings don't just fade away when they're real...and that he might just be going through a rough time himself trying to figure this whole thing out. Why is that so hard for me to accept? Can't it be that he's a genuinely good man that struggles with what has been the love of his past 12 years...and some chic he hooked up with and ended up falling for, kinda by accident? Only I can put a touch of drama on everything...but really...is it that he struggles...and is truly a man of deep feelings...as I have sensed at times...with the sensitivity of the gentlest of people...or is he just a simple man that occupies his time with more practical matters like pushing his body to the limit...to avoid thinking those deep and troubling thoughts? Or is he just both....and I'm just not sure which one I feel more comfortable with?
It seems like this isn't really over....not as long as I can still feel it....and I felt a sense of peace in talking to my son about the darn dog...because if I can teach him to wait...and be patient..shouldn't I? I mean, what were the odds of this happening....then, maybe the odds are pretty good as to anything completely off the wall happening to me too...in the very uknown future...
Anything can happen as long as we're breathing, right? Isn't that what faith is...believing without seeing? Why didn't I have more faith in him? Well...the situation wasn't really one to build much trust upon...laying on top of dishonesty with our spouses...so the same goes for me...
but he has more faith in people than I do....
I've been too afraid to put my faith anywhere....but I'll take a leap today...and promise myself to keep the faith in what I feel for him...and what I hope he feels for me...so that one day...we can smile together again...if only briefly...I'd really like that....
The pup didn't do it for me today....we didn't click...and that click is so so important....
I drove him away.....and he grew tired of having to answer my silly questions....and of explaining his ways...I guess we both kinda knew it would happen some day...
I can drive the most sane of people...completely insane...
I need to get out there and live more...experience more...outside of my head...take risks...and try to be happy...
Kids are watching tv...no school tomorrow...national holiday...I have to work...wish I didn't have to....wish I could take some weeks off...and just put this all behind me...I can, if I work hard on it...and he'll be a memory...something that happened ages ago...so far back that I can't really remember the details too well...if only my brain didn't latch onto every little thing...
He did make me happy though...I just wanted it to be even better all the time...that's all...
And if I sounded dissapointed it was because of the constraints of time and distance...and the frustration of not really getting my point across and I knew I'd be able to in person...and knowing that in front of him...looking into my eyes...I'd see it...and he wouldn't have to say a word...even if I probably would ask him to...lol. But that's just me....pushing buttons...and only the brave stick around...he did well, for as long as he could...until he couldn't anymore...
I hope he never forgets me....
So much has happened in such short time...and how I've blossomed....inside. Amazing...
I need to get a life...do something....pour myself into something...my kids are growing so fast...I'm going to blink and they'll be gone...what then?
Does everyone leave me in the end? It certainly seems that way...
What a tough lesson....to move on...and detach....and choose to be grown up and not throw tantrums...mature and poised...and composed..and adecuate...even when I feel like just letting it all out...screw the consequences....but, can't do that...it's not appropriate....lol.
How many times will my heart be squeezed before I can truly get to the center of it? Will I ever let it be touched again? I want to be alone....and away...and in silence...tired of thinking...
So serious Becca...such deep thoughts...no wonder it's tough to stick around you...lol. It was so much easier when he would watch me from across the room....and smile...his voice...and his fingers typing...so concentrated, but not...so focused....but distracted...enough to look up...and look at me with those eyes....warm...caring eyes....
I remember that one time, we had food...in the living room...and I said I wasn't hungry...and we stood up and kissed....movie style...all the way to the bed...slowly and quickly shedding layers of clothes....he asked me to lay on top of him...just lay there...enjoying each other...such a foreign concept for me then....to just hold someone...for the heck of it....
The time we were watching the fight...he couldn't stop kissing me....my forehead...hands...and hands...and fingers....and forehead again...lol...I felt like I could do anything...with him there with me...How did it all go to hell?
Anyway...no point in going there today...those moments are for the memory bank...and when I'm in the mood, as I will be sometime to just weep over what I've lost....but not today...today I'm keeping the faith....that, maybe....just maybe someday...I can feel that again.
The dog was not bought...we need to keep looking...not really sure I really want one...and I think I need to be sure these days...no sense in flip flopping...I've messed up some pretty great things because of that...
Think before acting....taking firm but slow steps...and saying what I feel....a couple of helpful tips I've picked up along this way....
Maybe I'm one of those people that are always meant to feel like they're missing something even when they have it all...why is that? It only makes everyone around me feel inadecuate...
uncomfy...
I wonder if he'll think of me often....or if he'll tune me out quickly to move on....if I were to take a guess, I'd say that in his heart the first...but he'll work hard on the latter...
I want this sadness to be over....I want to think about something else...and stop dwelling on this...lessons learned...time to get moving...
Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight....

I know....

deep down that he's right....that we can't draw blood from a stone anymore....that it probably never should have happened....that I'll thank him one day....that there's no other option....but...
I can't imagine not ever feeling him next to me again...his touch...the warmth of his eyes....his smile...his fingers through my hair...it's really over, and there's nothing I can do...
I feel so helpless....I don't feel like I should give up....but I can't go on overwhelming him...when did I start caring about anyone else's feelings and wants? This has really changed me....and I'm thankful, but I feel pain in the bottom of my gutt just foreseeing that it's really the end this time...who took all the air from my lungs? So this is what experience feels like....damn it hurts...
No wonder people grow thick skin...and look at life differently than I have...but how does anyone dare put themselves out there...if this is a possible outcome? Masoquism....pure insanity....but I can't even find my way back to my cave anymore...where nothing can touch me...I'm here...out in the open...naked...feeling....
Never play with fire, people say...cause you'll get burnt...if only they really knew...it stings...and scars...so bad...and so good....
I can't look back and say that I regret any of it...and I can't even feel bitter...it's been...beautiful...even when it's sucked....lol. I've gained so much more than I'm losing....and I'm clear that it's my inmature old ways sticking their ugly little head in...because I feel no control...what makes me panic....but, I'll be ok...we all will...always are....
The dream is over though....funny enough, the hope isn't gone just yet....I can still feel his presence in my soul....I think he'll always be there for me....sometimes letting go is the only way...how frustrating and confusing though...and how fate dealt us such a crappy card....who were we to challenge it? How could we think this could withstand time...distance, and everything else? How cocky of us....really....seriously...lol.
What will grey's look like now? Who will I tell my inner most deepest thoughts? Who will I dream about? Who will get me...understand me...better than anyone....?
I really love him, you know....not a doubt in my mind....love in a...I might not ever see him again way....in a ...it can be years and years and he'll stay in my thoughts way....in a....I'll never look at food the same way again kinda way...lol....in a...need to catch my breath when I remember him so close to me...kinda way....in a....didn't always like his music choices but thought they were worth trying out because he means so much to me way....in a....I'd go to a place I wouldn't have ever so much as thought of...because he was going to be there...holding my hand...kinda way...
In a....he can drive me nuts...but don't love him any less kinda way....in a...if anything happened to him I'd cry for years kinda way....in a....I adore how passionate he can be...way....in a...can always make me smile...even when I'm crying kinda way....and in a....I'm going to miss him like crazy way....sighs.
If I could do it all over again....or if I had the choice to go back in time....I'd still twirl in my seat...while I thought about the insanity of wanting him to kiss me more than anything....and rationalizing...that he actually might...if I said yes....
Why do the best things have to end with such grief? It's the craziest...most passionate...and more unreasonable of relationships that make the news....and burn your soul...to the point where it's never ever...the same.
If I could go back in time....smiles....I'd still....jump into the abyss....to be able to look into his eyes...all over again...and to feel his gentle touch...that woke up my every pore....how can I not love him?...His patience....and kind heart....and his passion for life....sighs....so, he's not perfect....who the hell is? Maybe I never got over missing him....and that feeling overwhelmed to where I couldn't see all that is....because I was too caught up in missing what was not....
No, I can't blame myself for this....or maybe I can....no...I'd do it again....and so would he, probably....it's one thing to be apart....but when we're together....and alone...it changes everything....when I'm not sabotaging it....ok, not going to start looking for the mistakes I've made...this isn't because I made mistakes....or he made mistakes...the truth....it was impossible from the get go...and we thought we could pull it off....and without the passion....it was meant to fail....I mean, if you read about those old affairs...in letters that went back in forth...in wars...it was always talk about...how they wanted to be together...and be able to touch each other...be with each other...the modern version of it...was more like...let's not talk about it...it's too painful..until someone feels that the feelings aren't even there...and we need to end it...
Maybe that's what happened....I should have been a scientist...I like to know why...the reason for things.......I guess to keep it from happening again...but when feelings are involved everything is unpredictable...I drove him bonkers....lol, that's what really happened...until he couldn't do this anymore...
It's even more painful when you can FEEL in your gutt...that there IS that connection...that mutual WOW factor...but, even that's not enough to keep it from sinking...
I am going to miss him in a terrible way....and I need to write about it....so that I can start to heal as soon as possible...there's no time or room in my life as it is...for moping around like a love sick teenager...over a married man 3,000 miles away....lol. How ridiculous did that sound? But how not ridiculous...it feels...
I wonder what's going to happen with our lives? Will he meet someone else? Will he ever dare to do this again? Will I? Will we see each other again? Will I want to just run into his arms? Will we be polite and pretend that we don't remember? Will it all come back as soon as we look at each other?...I can't even imagine my life without him right now...as sad as that sounds...but, he's become such an important part of it....that, it's going be a void that I can only imagine is going to rock my world...and in not such a good way....
A part of me wants to just run out and get crazy....to forget...but another....wants to just sit here...and work this all out....to move on....to accept....that as he said...people don't always get what they deserve....
I wish he could just put his arms around me right now....it feels so safe there....and I really don't care they're not my arms to want...lol, but they have been at times...so there...lol.
I don't know how or when...but I will see him again, damnit....lol. Seriously...
Geeze, when grey's starts again someone's going to have to shoot me....
This is what highschool should have felt like...and I'm just a few decades late...lol...and in a tad of a wrong situation to feel it....
Screw wrong! I feel what I feel...and that's not right or wrong....I miss him, end of story...and I will always miss him....and hate him, for giving up on me...on us....but that's another blog for another day....
Oops almost started a pitty party here...but won't....there's nothing sad or pathetic about me...I put myself out there...and got hurt....that's progress in my book....I'm alive...it's the risks you take...when you really live...
So, I'm not having an affair anymore....it's done. Wow....I think it really is over this time....or will it ever truly be over....really, for either of us...deep down inside?
I don't know what else to say....how do I change my habits now? Not want to talk to him everyday? Not want to run and tell him about my day? That's the hardest part...breaking away....
This really hurts like hell....I thought about that very last quick moment....the goodbye...watching him run into his car...and off he went....I never thought it might be the last time....I should have held on....
Shhhh....we're not going to cry...and go over every little step to try to change it....AHHHHHHHHHHHH I want to scream damnit! I hate this!
You know...I don't even think I really showed him ever....how much he meant to me....
I can only hope...that he knows....how much...he means to me....more than I thought he ever could...
Sighs...ok, that's enough....
Until tomorrow...

Building blocks....

I'm growing so much each day....and it amazes me. Not without pain, I have to say....but growing all the same. I can take the punches these days and remain standing....I can get the wind knocked out of me...and start breathing right away....and I can feel my eyes melting....and make it stop with a blink....I'm proud of me...I'm getting strong.
I can manage to find reasons to smile when my heart is bruised....and I can think happy thoughts even when I'm sad...my universe has grown so much that I can manage to fit in the bad and ugly without casting a shadow on all that's good....I'm proud of me.
I can bite the bullet and hear bad news without biting back....and I can even manage to find the way to justify the gun that shot me...lol. I can take so much more these days...without feeling sorry for myself...but more so accepting that everything doesn't work out the way I'd like it to...and it doesn't make my life any worse...but perhaps even better, because I learn more that way.
I can sit here and feel very sad without getting bitter....and wish things were different without wishing any ill...and I can understand that some things are meant to be and some are not...and that not everyone in the world will appreciate what I have to offer...and that even if they do, they might not always be ready to acknowledge it....
I can smile while I realize that I'm pretty amazing....even when I don't always feel that way...like now...
I can see that I deserve so much more than I get sometimes....but at the same time, I accept that I need to work harder for what I want....
And that I should accept that I won't get everything the way I want it...but that it might be better than nothing at all....
And that if it's not...I always have the choice to decide where I want to be....
I know that I don't need anyone to validate me, and that I'm special as I am....even though maybe not enough to some....and that my kids think so, and so does my family...
I accept days like today...not all fun and games but more of deep thoughts and sighs....because all together they make my life interesting....
I like the fact that I'll be remembered like a woman with passion, heart and strong opinions....and that these days are the building blocks of the rest of my life...
I know that some will grow with me...and some will grow apart from me....but in the end, they'll all think of me sometime....
And that my heart is going to break a million times before it's whole....and that I'll hurt much more than I'll laugh...but in the end it'll all be worth it, because I will find the joy that I need...
It's just a bumpy road....but I have the flashlight inside me to guide the way....
I know that I'll never be alone because I have a trunk full of memories in my head....and of feelings to go over and over on rainy days like today....
And that it'll be bittersweet....but I'll manage to take a few million more breaths before I'm done...
I like me these days...I really do...I've become a kind and caring human being....and proof of it is that today, I'm being kind to the one who really needs it....me.
I'll make mistakes... full of good intentions...and will give those I love the benefit of the doubt...and sometimes I'll laugh and sometimes I'll cry....but as long as I have hope...it's worth the try...lol, that rhymed!
I feel inspired for some reason....maybe it's the bottom of the pit...and I'm so numb that I'm flying....and so free that I can't really feel pain....I've done nothing wrong but feel....and I shouldn't feel ashamed....even if in the end...it's not corresponded...
I've always heard about that....when people feel... despite and in spite of anyone else...and I couldn't see myself in such an unconditional setting....but, I think I understand it today.
I'm not ashamed and not giving excuses or pretending I don't feel....to cover the pain of disappointment...and if that's not growing...I don't know what is...
I'm at peace with what I know...and am....and feel....
It's out there...it's known....and it's real....not assuming...or guessing anymore...take it or leave it...like it or not....
I'm not weak...I think I truly care....and it's new....and different....but is.
Deserving or not....those I care for...can consider themselves lucky...as I'm using brand new sense waves....have saved them for years....so they're pure...and clean...and fragile....
I give them out....it's my choice....nothing expected in return....if I make a mistake it's mine...my choice...my life....my waves....
It's deep....and saddening...and intense...but at the same time...it's overwhelming....I'm growing each second...with each keystroke...and breath....and thought....and smile....
For me, and no one else....just me...and nothing else...
I know what I know....and I can do with it as I please....I could sit here and tear it to shreds or I can keep growing....and growing....and growing....
So I choose to smile...and grow...and let go....

Slowing down....

Every day I sense that I get a little less concerned...a little less angry....a little less excited over little things...a little less giddy....and I guess the question is....is that a good thing? On the one hand it would seem that life might extended itself a bit not sweating the small stuff, but it also kinda feels like the full taste of life is lost when not experienced with passion and to the fullest...the good and the bad. It almost seems like I'm letting go....realizing that I won't get very far swimming against the tide....but, isn't that what makes me who I am? Why am I giving up? Is it that I'm getting wiser and am just postponing concerns and replacing anguish with hope....developing some patience? Why does it feel like I'm going soft though? Like I might not care enough to fight things out anymore...like I'm settling to become just like everyone else....
Although deep inside, I know that the odds of that ever happening or close to none...lol. Is it that I'm getting smarter...picking my battles...maturing? Or...am I just slowing down?
I think things through alot more than I used to....I try to understand others more than I used to....maybe that's giving me the insight to not get upset so often? Bull....lol...I still get upset....I just let go of it quicker...almost forgetting about it....why? Am I pretending that I don't see what I do see? That I'm oblivious to the obvious? My job won't change anytime soon...so no point in stressing over it....my marriage is at it's best...and the differences between hubby and I as people will always be there...so no point in even thinking about them...and well, that other thing...is only what I make it to be in my little head....and I'm too stubborn to just admit it and move on? Perhaps that and work, are the most challenging ones for me right now...the marriage piece...I think I've finally understood and found the way to make it work....and my stress levels are close to none...but how much is it because things are truly working the way I'd like them to...and how much of it just gets swept under the never never land rug...to avoid panic and anxiety? Don't we all though...compromise? Is it though...a compromise...or a cop out? I guess time will tell. The kids are doing fantastic though....amazing how they find peace at times...and it all just flows...I have the patience...they have the right attitude...pure heaven!
So...about work....I know I'm not fully developed yet....that I'm a work in progress...but I am positive that I've made some pretty big jumps towards becoming more of a leader...less of a manager...more of a team player...less of a boss...and it feels great. Maybe I do still have some more to do on this program...and I'm wasting time planning other things....but I feel like I need to stay on top of these folks here....so that I can grow the way that I need to....sighs....I need challenges...and granted people are exactly that no matter what the program....but, it's boring already! I feel stuck...and I hate it....like I've played a part and can't seem to get casted doing anything else....something to be careful about in the future....too good, isn't that good after all...lol. Who knew?
Dependence sucks...and too much independence does too...and there come the contradictions again...sheesh!
Back to that thing...lol...I really don't know what to think these days...I don't stress...don't expect...but also don't feel that it's that high that I felt at some point. Not sure how to explain it....but, I think it's....a friendship, after all. He did a good job...I'm convinced! Not to sound ungrateful....he's a good man....and has really worked hard on staying in touch....and I can only imagine that he has alot going on....especially when the only time to actually connect is in the middle of everything else....
I gave up on trying to ask for more....did it once...not happening...so I will be a good little girl and let it go....I'm kind of at a loss as to how to act these days....it doesn't feel like I should ask for anything....so, I don't...not for anything anymore...it's almost like I'm not my usual self....but I've adapted for the sake of not rocking the boat....and really....not interested in rocking anything....lol, no pun intended....
It's funny how people go about things in such different ways...some dismiss them like they don't exist...because that's better than dealing with it...and some need to constantly process it....not to say one is better than the other...but at least, with my style...people know mostly where I stand on things....right? Is he as simple as he comes across? Or is he so complex, that he needs to have things set up the way he chooses them, to stay in control? Do I have an idealistic view of him...or do I really know him? It's a mystery, really....
It feels like we could go on like this forever....but, what is it? Whatever I might have labeled it as before, is no longer....and as amazing as it is to me....it doesn't phase me anymore....
It's like he's around....but I'm not attached to him like I used to be....I think about him but dream about him less and less....and why does that make me feel so sad? geeze....
Maybe because I know it's not by choice...but by need....and that things would be different it they were up to me....but they're not. Or are they?
Everytime I face that crossroad I think....so, why am I still here? I guess I'm more hopeful than I had ever given myself credit for....another sign that I'm slowing down...
And why do I always feel silly for thinking about these things....when I'm positive that I've not been on his mind....at all this weekend? Or have I? Why do I even care, really? Sad...lol.
Regardless of who and when...I do know that I will know romance and ridiculously amazing passion...before I die....and I'll be damned if I settle for less than that for the rest of my life....
I might have to make some hard choices over the years...but I know exactly what I want...and need....and it seems there I've learned exactly where I'll never find it....that might be the first step...
Now, I know that's not everything...and that companionship..understanding...friendship are very very high on the list when thinking about the rest of my life...but who says it all has to lay in one person? I believe that we can surround ourselves by the types of people that make us feel all that...and, I have....it's that other stuff...that I'm still missing...thought I had found it...and I did...but I blinked....and it was gone...or maybe it's one of those momentary things...meant to come and go...and not stick around....not really sure...I guess I need to learn those things....
Maybe nothing ever lasts....and not understanding that is what frustrates me at times....
Maybe I watch too many movies....and have a completely wrong idea of what to hope for...lol...but somehow and although some of that might be true...I still believe there must be more to it than this....and if it's not there...visible....heard...or felt....then, maybe it's not the right chemical combination....and we're just too nice of people that like each other too much to admit it and move on....but even as I write this...I still think there's more....and until there's hope...I guess I'll stick around....maybe I'll look back and be thankful I waited around....or not...lol. Either way, it's all good....it's life....and I'm learning....
Sighs...who am I kidding? We barely get an hour a day....add that together it's 5 hours a week...it's a day for each week....and the topics barely scratch the surface....and no signs of anything changing...but maybe time will actually decrease....until it's every other day...every other week....
So much has changed...I guess in his life....work is hectic....and the weekends and evenings seem to be full these days....I remember when he would reply to my e-mails...even if it was a one liner....but some acknowledgment....not these days. When he'd be spontaneous...and call me out of the blue....has been a while from that....and as silly as it might sound to complain about that...those little things...were the ones that, along with seeing him more often....kept me motivated...today, it gets tricky....
He would be able to stay until the wee hours of the evening...just talking...nowadays he seems to always have to be somewhere...lol, it's not good when I go over this in my head....I always land in doubt land...but, can anyone blame me? Not that he's supposed to do any of this...but, the fact that he chooses not to...as opposed to doing it, like he used to....generates some thoughts....it's natural, I guess....and I'm a girl, so I think of those things...
So he tells me that I'm attractive....and so does the rest of the world these days...what makes our friendship any different than any other somewhat meaningful one? Useless thoughts here...and I can only imagine him thinking....here she goes again....important matters to me...to him, I can't say they are or they aren't....honestly...I really don't know anymore. He cares...and likes me....that's all I'm really sure of...so I guess that is supposed to be enough...
It's so hard though...when I think of the past....damned past....how connected we were....everything was better....maybe it was just a high...that couldn't last...and this is what's left....rush rush rush...shallow, touch and go....hi's and bye's....in circles without getting anywhere....maybe never meant to get anywhere....
Will I see him again? What's left to do or talk about when and if we do? Have we built anything in the last month? Has anything been planted so that we can enjoy the fruits then? Why do I even care?...Maybe I need to have an affair...a real one....am I so stubborn to not pursue that, and insist on making this work, when the signs of failure are screaming in my face?...Is this just impossible to sustain under the circumstances and I'm just an idiot?
But when he makes me smile....
Of all the sad shit I've written....that one sentence is the one that's going to make me cry? Pathetic! But when he does....make me smile....it's worth everything....and when he reaches over to touch my face....and my hair....all is forgotten....stupid tears....anyway...how the heck did I get into this topic?....
It's how he makes me feel....when he really tries....and sometimes...when he doesn't try at all...but some consistency wouldn't hurt....
Like I said....maybe if someone else...played with my hair, I'd realize that this isn't all that special....and that any man might be able to make me feel the way he does....and who knows...one might even actually want to....all the time....
Sighs....the beauty of the blog....I can say literally anything....put it out there...reasonable or not...every thought....theory....idea....and piece of crap...lol
Gotta love PMS....it's like a hormonal virus....makes me throw up feelings...for days....
And now I get mean....lol....because can't stand feeling upset for too long without lashing out....
Or am I upset at all? I don't think so....more so....I understand the way things are...and some of them make me sad...that's all. I don't feel sad or upset overall...I like that he stays somewhat in my life....that he chooses to....I'm just a little hung up on the way things were....and those highs....but life are peaks and valleys....lol. Don't have to like...but have to deal with it....happens in all relationships...I guess I thought this would be different....
That's a good one...what did I think? Well, I thought we'd keep in touch and we have....I thought he'd want to see me, and he has....I thought he'd stay as motivated about us....but I don't really feel that anymore...I could feel that he couldn't get enough of the conversations....and now, it's almost like he's filling the daily quota with his mind completely elsewhere....he seems like he wants to listen...and goes through the motions...but he doesn't feel present....almost like I'm his client....he makes me feel heard, and acknowledged...but I don't feel the personal connection.
I thought he'd continue to be spontaneous....an e-mail...a call....out of the blue....surprise me....but I don't think much about it on a daily basis anymore....I've learned to let go....I'm accepting all these changes....but I guess I also have to admit, that it changes the way I feel a bit....not that I care about him any less....but about the degree of involvement that I have with him....and to be honest...I think that's exactly the way he wants it....so be it....
I try here and there....to reach out to him....maybe not always in the most productive of ways...but it's not easy for me....but I do try....
But his responses sometimes knock me off balance...because they're either too dry....or just plain emotion-less....like when I thanked him for checking out the videos I sent...he said it was the least he could do...lol, not even sure what that means....
I often think that he realized that he got too close....and has been backtracking ever since...slowly...and subtly....but surely....and this is confirmed by him not giving me any extra time....just enough....to stay in touch....but nothing else....it's very hard for me to not believe that it's really over....and we're just both too chicken to admit it....
And that the friendship as it is....is all it can be...and will be....because even the time together has changed....
It feels like he keeps me at a safe distance....or so he thinks....but it's almost like he pushes me away....and it's frustrating because it's not that he's not nice...or that he does or says anything wrong...but on the contrary....he's just around....not really contributing....but showing up daily to say hey...and listen to me....and when I think of little flashes of intimate moments....it's painful...how everything is so different now....
And how sad that I'll spend a few more months whining about it...before I actually grow the balls to do something about it....and put us both out of our misery....lol.
There's a grey's anatomy episode that reminds me so much of this...and those were his exact words...put me out of my misery....granted this isn't a tv show...lol as much as I sometimes make it sound like one....when he asks her to break up with him....
Of course...night and day the situations....no dating...no bfd or gfd situation here....
Oh and how about the bfd comment? Who is my bfd??? lol....just rich...my bad that sometimes in my head...I might label him that way...big mistake....need to keep that in mind....nothing of the sort....just friends....and probably not even that close anyway....
Talking to myself about this whole thing really bugs me....because I have no clue if it's all a bunch of crap and I have no clue what goes on in his head...but hey...that's what you get....if you don't want people to make wrong assumptions...then be clear...right? If not...then suck it up!
Ok....when I start arguing with the blog...is time to say g'night...
Didn't fix the world...or gain more insight...just rambled crap left and right like I always do about this silly subject....I just need to drop it.
Until whenever dear blog....hopefully I'll have better material to feed you with next time.
Ta ta

Hormones?

I guess I have to thank Eve and her mischiefs for my out of control hormones and seasonal mood changes.....NOT. The truth is...not having total control of my thoughts and feelings at times can be nervewrecking....and that's just for me, I can only imagine how the people around me perceive it....Not having the best of days...weeks....oversensitivity...things get blown out of proportion, or the things I've chosen to let slide...and have become just sporadic mumbles in my brain are all of a sudden loud and annoying screams....not much tolerance...zero patience...not a fun time at all....
Could it be the hormones....or maybe my walls are weakening and the damn is about to flood my world? Am I just giving up on holding all the pieces in the air in this constant and neverending juggling act....am I tired of figuring things out...mine and everyone else's? Am I sick of trying to understand others...and just want to be understood? Am I done with carrying the weight of the world and just want to be cradled and cuddled myself?.....Sometimes it seems like I just want some tenderness...and affection...to be babied....and pampered....and told that everything is going to be ok....but funny enough...I'm usually the one telling myself that....
Has everyone really bought into the story of my fearless strength? Does everyone really think that I can handle it all on my own...that I don't need any help? Have I put on such a convincing act that noone believes that I could use some support to deal with this life at times???? Does anybody even care? If I could just curl up into my mother's womb all over again...to the warmth and peace that I must have experienced in there...with the soothing sound of her heartbeat....and the swaying of her pulse...nothing to worry about....just dreams....
When did it all get so complicated? When did adulthood happen to me? lol....funny, but true....when can I just hit the pause button and levitate in silence? When does this get easier?
The answers are more frustrating than the questions....never....never....never....and I know that I need to find the strength within to move on...as I always have but....I'm just so tired today....
Sad sad me....I have everything....and nothing...how ironic and fitting....the mother of all contradictions...the story of my life....I'm rich and poor....happy and miserable....positive and negative....and so so humanly flawed....
Big sighs.....I'm out of emotional shape...need to work out more....build my thought muscles....nourish myself with high protein dreams....and smile....
But I don't want to today...I want to bitch and moan and complain and whine...and sleep...and cry...and pout....
More sighs....I hate feeling this way....and I'm glad that I know that it will all end soon....and in just a few days...I'll hopefully be back to my old complex but much happier ways....if only I could skip the hormonal horror movie....but how could I miss the drama??? lol...
What a task for those in my life....or kind of in my life....or that I think are in my life...lol...goodness...leave it to me to take a simple thought and turn it into a scientific hypothesis...why does my brain need to overprocess everything???? Why couldn't I be an averagely shallow human being...lol....intelligence comes with a high price....analytical brains should be a crime....put us out of our misery at birth with a quick lobotomy...lol...
Dark dark thoughts today...nobody loves me...I'm not good enough...I'm ugly...and mean...and life just sucks....poor souls that live in this state of depression permanently...and thank heavens for giving me the ability to realize that this is just a phase....and that once the storm is over...it'll be sunny and warm again...
But for now...it's cold...and dull...and blah....
I feel like I'm in suspended animation....nothing's happening so I panic....status quo...hate it....
Hate people...hate the weather....hate that I hate it all....lol....nothing like a good ole venting session to tell the whole world to go fuck themselves....to mend an emotional breakdown....nothing like spiriling down to appreciate the view from above....and nothing like this blog to allow me to just get it all out....
Black and white words on a screen...harmless...emotion-less....no need to explain or justify myself...just spit out the venom that's making me sick....
And the funny part is....I don't even know why! All of these restless feelings are just flying at me out of nowhere...sure, I can think of triggers....but it's the sum of it all that seems to have set off a silent but lethal time bomb inside of me....rotting everything that's good...and clouding my ability to see the positive....sucks to be me today...lol.
Sucks even worse to be with me today...lol...
Smiles....wow...it works....the cleansing has begun....or maybe I'm just sleepy happy....and tired of bitching....
Until we meet again....