One day at a time....

Long time no blog....and I'm still wondering what I'm going to ramble about this time. I just read my last entry from exactly a month ago, and I find myself amused by the complexity of my mind...and that of human relationships. If I were to analyze every single meaningful and meaningless connection I currently share with other human beings I'd probably find many patterns of behaviour on my part that are just scattered all over the place. This isn't a put down...just a fact. I have some sort of self destructive chip in my hard drive that has made it difficult to begin or maintain relationships of any kind. My kids...well, I've had to work extra hard on that one because..lol, they don't seem to be going anywhere....lol. And I don't want them to...and with hubby I've also learned that he's the kind that sticks. So the family kind of connections I guess are the easiest because there's really not much of a choice to end them...lol. And I'm thankful for that because in regards to my marriage it's taught me to some consistency. I would have bailed at the firt signs of trouble...in fact I tried...but fate, and hubby...avoided it. So here I am today, actually grateful for that fact that we've seen ourselves through some tough times and gotten through it. The scars however, I feel are sometimes greater than what I would have ever wanted. But who doesn't have scars? It's learning to live past them, that counts.
Friends...I don't really have many and quite honestly I've not really made it easy for anyone to want to stick around to ever build anything meaningful. So, not an expert of friendships at all. For some reason I see myself as so different than most people and it gets in the way. I think that my upbringing in an environment that wasn't really the one I was intended to be raised in had some impact on my overall approach on things. I was supposed to be the american open minded free spirited child...and I ended being the frustrated and repressed child in a world where silence was more appreciated than words. So the passive aggresive in me flourished...lol.
As a child I didn't receive much attention at all after my mom died....then, it was more about the people raising me trying to figure it all out without really killing me. I wasn't an easy kid...big mouth and very opinionated...more than my grandmother and aunt had probably bargained for and they made sure I knew it. So today...attention is a huge requirement in my personal relationships...I thrive on it...and when I don't get enough of it....and let me just say that my standards can be off the charts at times...I throw all kinds of fits.
Let me just mention though that I should be speaking in past tense about many of my usual patterns because I've been working very hard on changing some of them. Not sure it's working but I'm sure the perception of me is changing in some people. The biggest challenge is understanding other people and their circumstances...and truly believing that the world isn't out to screw me over...lol. Sounds simple but goodness...a piece of cake it's not.
My temper rises like cake in the oven...and it takes alot of focus and dedication to defuse it...or to keep it from rising in the first place. I feel that I'm spacing out now many times to avoid thinking about things that usually would bother me...it works, most of the time.
The dominant part of me believes that it's a cop out though. I'm more interested in proactively addressing the thing that bug with...without sarcasm or digs...than avoiding confrontation altogether. But, I'm still on the avoidance step for now.....this is a one day at a time kind of thing.
I guess I'm just an angry person overall and it's my newest pet peeve to replace the anger with some positive and hopeful energy. I think I'll live longer and make the people around me much happier and hey...maybe some happiness for myself wouldn't be such a bad thing.
I'm enjoying my life alot more....why hadn't I before? Honestly...it beats the hell outta me...but that's past now...so no point in dwelling on it.
Spending time with my kids...the family....just relaxing...a day at the pool....learning new things...smiling at people...meeting people...singing...dancing....it's all good. Even work is good....with stress and all....it all seems to be falling into place while I make these inner changes.
Him? Well....I don't really know these days...but I'm not questioning it...and taking it also one day at a time....I guess I realized that it doesn't have to be the love story I had perhaps made it out to be. Sex is good...love the laughs....and it's a change in pace. Don't ask don't tell policy....small talk....and wait and see. It's never going to be what it was....and maybe that's the hardest thing to accept....but time will tell what'll be....for now, it's not really top on my list of concerns or thoughts. I do sigh every so often...but I also smile too...and that's always good.
Anyway....lol...hate thinking about that these days...seems so useless....so, onto the next topic...
Me....that's what I was rambling about...me and relationships....I guess you can read why I suck at them...lol think too much..do too little...and don't give a damn thing....but want to take it all.
Not the perfect balance, I know.....but I'm glad with what I have....and I know that I'm slowly maturing...so maybe the next 35 yrs of my life will be a tad more gratifying....heck it's my prime so it better damn be good...lol.
I know myself alot better....and I know what I don't like...so that's a pretty good start. The downs get shorter and farther in between and the highs aren't as high...so I'd say that balance is slowly becoming a part of my life. Still can't quite decipher it and makes me uneasy....but we're animals of habit so it's a matter of time before it becomes second nature to me....as I hope it will to not take myself or life so seriously....it's only one...you blink and it's over....gotta take as much as you can while you're at it....
I guess I'm just one of those somber personalities....lol kinda sucks but....hey it's me and I kinda like me these days....I'm pretty damn wonderful...if I look at myself objectively...and anyone who doesn't appreciate it is a damn fool...lol. Anyway....enough of this....nice venting source...I needed it. Till next time blog fans.....