Truth and honesty....

It looks like one of those writing spells that just go on and on...I have a thought, and really feel like putting it down here so that it doesn't just dissapear...I like reading my thoughts...some days it all seems so clear...and some it's just random ideas or opinions....but each blog...I get to know myself a little more...I get to see myself on paper....and it's something that I enjoy....
I find myself peeling back more and more layers....enabling myself to be more honest about what goes on in my head....and finding my truth...or the many versions of it....Doesn't everyone have many versions of the truth? What's the difference between that and lying? Are white lies really justified....in the name of preserving someone's feelings? If people lie, does it mean that they don't care...or do they just care more about themselves than anyone else? I've lied....and justified it....and I've withheld the truth...is that any different? Do I get a discount for not actually lying? lol
What makes people lie? I know that most of the time when I don't tell the whole truth...it's to protect myself...or to be able to get my way without anyone being an obstacle....I don't think it's because I don't care about the other person...but, the thought of being lied to...is painful, why is that? Why the double standard? Good for me...but not good for anyone else? I guess I continue to think in terms of having unrealistic expectations of human beings like myself....Drama and more drama....
People build relationships based on sharing it all, it seems...but at some point...we go back into ourselves...and stop sharing...and go on living paralel lives...the one that shows and the one that we think about....when does it stop? The truthfullness...the honesty...that is what most of the times brings people together? Is it time...and growth, and the fact that people change as time goes on...some more than others...and to not dissapoint anyone...we pretend to be the same? We pretend to be what others are used to seeing...and don't want to shake the foundation? I know I do that sometimes...
I guess I think that if most people knew what goes on in my mind...they wouldn't understand...and on the other hand...why should they know...it's private. Does anyone truly know me? Only a few people....but, more importandly...do I know myself? Or do I just go along with the version of me that I'm comfortable with....
What are the versions of me? Hmmm...let's see here....sometimes I see myself as this hard, cold....driven creature that doesn't have time to see beyond her own needs and wants...and frankly doesn't care about anyone else's....on other times...I see myself as this fragile....almost scared, weak being that doesn't have a clue....on others....it balances out a little more...and I can see that I'm both strong and weak...and that it varies by topic...or situation....I often see myself as a taker...very seldom as a giver...but, I know that I'd like to be more of that....I feel though...that when I give...it scares me...because I expect people to take advantage...
But don't I sometimes take advantage too? I mean...if it's not with the intent of hurting anyone...what's wrong with wanting to get what we want? Again the double standards....I have alot of that in some versions of me...lol
Maybe my timing has been off....and I try to give when I'm not supposed to...and I withhold when I'm supposed to give....driving people insane in the process because they can't figure me out...until they stop trying...
Do I make it easy for people to give up on me? Do I purposely push them away? Do I think that I don't deserve to be cared about? Sometimes I wonder...
Do I suck at reading people? Do I get so caught up trying to literally translate what I'm told...that I really don't listen to what people say?
I sometimes feel that with him especially....I send off mixed messages...and he doesn't truly know what I'm about, in regard to him...
But, I struggle between what I sometimes want and feel, and what I imagine that he wants to hear...
I mean, who doesn't want the modern, detached, no questions....ok with anything kinda girl? Like he says...it's a man's dream....
Can I be his dream....with all of my doubts? And...why do I want to be his dream at all? Ha! That's something that I apparently want...and didn't even know....lol. Can add that to the what I want blog....but why do I want that? Dunno, guess being thought of....dreamed about....wanted...is attractive....appealing....and something I like....
Sometimes I can feel it....that I am the dream...but others I feel more like the nightmare...and that's not what I want to be...so, I withdraw...
Get sad....and question it all....but really, the poor guy has shown more patience, and tolerance than anyone I know....not that he's a saint...sometimes I'm misjudged...and sometimes he's just plain wrong...
I guess, I don't want to be perceived as foolish....and exceedingly involved....I sometimes buy into the whole...we're different that most affairs....but, that's where I need to be careful....because I feel that he knows that we're not....and it's when I believe otherwise...we're knocked off balance...
Anyway....back to truth and honesty....am I honest with myself about this...is he honest with himself about this? He doesn't just want me....he wants the fantasy...and I just happen to be it, today....and maybe today...as I type...I'm not...lol. Shhhh....not going there...
Do I want him...or the fantasy? lol, I can't think about him and not.....not writing that down....I'm done with the innapropriate display of unwanted emotions....it's not what this is about....
So, why am I writing about it at all? Sighs...it's not happening overnight...I know....gradually, until it's all clear...and the fog is lifted....
Lol...I so feel right now, that the 10 guy idea...is a good one....
Maybe if someone else...makes me feel the way he has....I'll get over the idealization of him being more than what he needs to be to me...
More than what he wants to be to me....
He really puzzles me....a sensitive, but still very much a male....compelled to connect at times...and to break free at others....and I'm confused by it....
You know....if he wanted me to know more about his thoughts....he'd tell me....so, there either aren't any that he feels I need to know about...or there aren't any period...either way....it shouldn't be a requirement....I will learn to be with him....and not wonder about feelings....what is it with me and the damn feelings anyway? Must be a girl thing...but geeze...annoying!
Maybe it's just a chemical reaction....I mean, someone walks into your life...and triggers some good emotions....and some mind boggling sensations that you hadn't really experienced in the same way before...of course we'll want more of that....but, does it have to mean anything?
To adults, I mean...can't people just agree to have the feelgood person in their lives...the one they can count on to feel good? lol....that sounded so funny...and shallow...but seriously....
How much of it all...is the sex? Now that's an interesting question on it's own....I might be a clueless idiot...but, there's the sex when people are barely connected...and then there's the sex when people are completely in sync...like I think happened to us...since day one....the ability for me...to let my guard down...and trust...with my body...someone new....something different....in the most intimate way....letting him literally inside of me....and not only physically...
Maybe that's it....that I let him in emotionally too....and the combination of the two...just blew me away....
I make it sound like a novel...and it's not...but, I guess I pour it as it flows...
Maybe I'm so pathetic that the fact that he really seemed to take interest...during every little moment....captivated me....and took me on a high, that I then mistakingly called something else...
And he just didn't have the heart to explain it to me...but rather, as he's said...he was hoping that I'd find my way all by myself....and I think I am...with baby steps...
Maybe I'm so full of myself...that I really hoped to be that someone that he wished he had met his whole life....and was glad to finally have...not to cast any shadow on his marriage...but, from an emotional connection standpoint...why would it be so far ffetched to believe that...if he's told me himself that he's opened up more with me than with anyone else...maybe I'm so naive that I thought he meant including her...and he was just referring to other unimportant or casual relationships...lol.
Like I've said before...maybe I've just been hearing what I've wanted to hear...and not what he's really been saying...I mean, I know I'm not that great of a listener...so it could very well be the case....
And I guess that sometimes I do listen....and hear it loud and clear...that I've been wrong...and that yes...I really am liked...but that's all there is to it....it's a little disheartening....
My pride doesn't really do too well with that....but, I've taken it in...and tried to see how I can still make it a productive situation....for the both of us...but without the drop in the bottom of my stomache...
I might have to write a hundred times before it's all gone....but, it gets easier...every time...
I really do need to grow up and act like the strong woman that I am....I caught a glimpse of it on one of our last calls...so, she's on her way back...and I'm so glad!
So, what is my version of the truth today?
I'm in a good place....I'm understanding things alot more....I'm not as affected by it....I can feel free thoughts flowing....open ideas....without so many limitations floating around....I am a lucky girl...I found a friend.
And what I gain from that....is entirely up to me....and that's the way it should be. The world is full of people and opportunities....to learn....I just need to keep my eyes open...to be ready for when another chance comes my way....
In the meantime...it's a beautiful day....and I'm really hopeful for what tomorrow can bring....
Another weekend blog.....over and out....