No more rain but still rambling....

Ok, where was I?.....Went to pick son up...wasn't at his friend's was at my aunt's...had to stop at 2 different places in opposite directions....yay! not...
Took some clothes out of the dryer and put some more in...uniforms....that need to be ironed....dinner's ready...so I have some time now...this beats watching tv...or pestering my kids....lol....
So...while I was driving....it hit me...what's with the whole aroused thing? And when will I get over my 12th birthday and call things by their names??? Can I ever write the word horny? lmao....hate how that looks on the screen, but seriously....does that make me a bad person...to actually have a healthy sexual appetite? Ok, maybe not healthy all the times...or acceptable...but, works for me! No, that can all be healthy..depending on ones likes or dislikes...so, why do I have to judge myself on what I find interesting or not...and whether I'm in the mood for it or not? Ridiculous!
So I am a human being like everyone else...not above feeling sexual needs and wants....so what? I'm the only one that seems to care how that comes across...lol or is perceived...but who the heck is around to perceive any of it? My husband that obviously knows that I enjoy sex...duh...and the other person in my life...that knows that...and probably even more so....so what's the hang up???? I swear, I spend so much time repressing myself than no wonder sometimes I come across as loopy and drive myself nutso....
I mean yes...I'd not like to be the raw all out there...in a yucky way....yucky...ok, back to being 12 here again...lol....what I guess I mean is not in a dirty sense....lol...can I manage to write dirty without hesitation? Geeze....
This is histerical...what a rainy day has unleashed here...
But I'd suppose that sometimes....down and dirty could be fun and good....lol...that'll be the day, when something over the top like that flies out of my mouth...when the most daring thing I've said is something along the lines of harder...lmao...can't do the sex talk for the life of me....no, not entirely true I can vaguely describe situations...but even then...I block myself...I guess I don't want to sound like a 2 cent phone sex or hooker type...lol but can't good girls get down and dirty sometimes too?
I'd imagine so...and it's probably fun as heck....one day, maybe....
So, do sluts have more fun? I really don't think so...seriously...but I guess what I'm getting at is that no complications would be such a relief...but who says they don't have complications? Not being taken seriously by any man because of their reputation has to be pretty crappy....so yeah....there's complications in every situation....
I think what I like about the whole slutty image...lmao...is the control...
and I wonder if I'll ever build up the gutts to take control of a situation to the point of literally taking initiative....and watching the other person squirm....lol, the thought alone is attractive....yep, I'm a control freak...but interestingly enough....I think my reaction in intimate situations is more of a let the other person take control...maybe because I'm always in control over every aspect of my life???? Or because I just don't have a clue???
Don't know....I like the idea of the femme fatale have whomever whenever....but just for the power trip and to know that I can...even if it doesn't materialize...bitch that I am, I guess...lol....but on the other side I also like to be swept away without much effort...just kind of led and let go...
So am I passive aggresive? or just plain whacko??? lol
Smiles...I like sitting here exploring all of this junk....the fact that I'm even allowing myself to...is progress....
Intense emotions drive me....that much I can confirm....maybe some people are built to need more of a rush to enjoy things? Why is it that some people are content with what they have...and some always try to have more? Is it a chemical thing? And when did I get so curious?
LOL...I'm just this little ball of questions....and wanting to answer them all right away....I want to know so much....and feel that I know so little...about everything....
I want to know what it's all about....the whole relationship thing...but I mean...deeply...what makes me tick....what sensations am I missing out on? Isn't this the kind of high junkies look for though? I mean...how much curiousity is ok...and how much can be conisidered too much?
Maybe the kind that is thought about and not acted on? Or maybe some is ok to act upon...just not all...or maybe I'm going to become a trisexual...lmao...try anything?
Laughing....nope, not happening....but definitaley have ALOT to learn and experience before I leave this life....
Wow...the house is still quiet with all three kids here...amazing....maybe it's the rain and they're down...lol...yay for the rain! Keep coming!
I do think often about what religious people say about sex...and how the whole flesh thing isn't good....well, maybe not often but it does cross my mind...maybe it's the weaker people that are curious and act on things by experiencing? Maybe it takes stronger personalities to stay away from all the mundane stuff? Or....it's the opposite...it takes strong minds to want to venture into out of control situations for the thrill? Well, maybe not out of control ones...but extreme ones, I guess....
How religion can screw your brain up....so many taboos and crap...and unhappy people living by books that were probably written by hippies...lmao....but then again...what's acceptable...if you cross one line and then two...where to stop? One affair? Two? men, women? tons of people? As fun as it may sound....how much is too much, and what is intended to be imagined and not lived?
I do know though...that a part of be doesn't care and wants to live dangerously...and it's the risk factors that keep me on my toes...or at least they play a part in it....
And the fact that I decide...in the not so known part of my life...what happens and what doesn't...whereas in real life...it's all pretty much said and done....mom and wife....with all of it's responsabilities....but inside myself...and with someone else...nothing matters but who I am and what happens in a moment...
The moments of phone calls...or chats....and the in person moments...are really what matter...and I can be free...to do whatever I want...however I want....no questions....
So, to come full circle...I don't really agree that being a slut is what makes anything better...lol....and that having an affair makes someone a slut....but being true to oneself...and acting on it....is healthy in the end...
When I go...I'm taking what I did or didn't do...how I did it and with who...and how many times I felt truly fulfiled....
People will remember me how they may....but I'm taking my moments with me....and that's all....not only being someone's wife or mother or daughter...but the moments that belong only to me...for me....
The moments that make me smile....out of nowhere....and make me feel alive...
Shewww....deep blog, I think....lol
I feel lighter though and a little wiser...still ways to go...but on a pretty solid track....smiles...
The rain is gone but I have a colorful rainbow in my head right now....the possibilities in my life....
Becca tired signing off for tonight....