I found it!

Reading online articles is something I've always done...way more practical than buying tons of books...when I'm interested in reading about a specific topic....that will probably blow over later on...or like now...that I can't share due to it's nature....I'm not really about to start buying books about affairs....LOL...
Anyway....I found a very interesting article...that I think can help explain what has happened here...in the simplest of forms....of course, it doesn't apply in it's entirety...but I think that the overall message does...
I'm going to paste it in...and comment on it afterwards...lol...but want to save it here, to read it again whenever I feel like it...I think it makes total sense...
Why Long Distance Relationships With Women You Just Meet Don't Work
Have you ever met a woman while you where out of town spent a couple of days together had a great time, then decided that she was someone with whom you had to keep in touch with because the chemistry you two had was like no other?
So you exchange contact information and then flew back home and she went back to her home some 3000 miles away from you.
You get home and a couple of days later give her a call and discover that the chemistry you had when you where together is not nearly as strong as what you feeling on the phone.
Perhaps after a couple of weeks of talking on the phone you decide to fly up and see her and again the connection seems to just be getting stronger and stronger.
Overcome by emotions and joy you decide that you no longer want to see anybody else and ask her if she feels the same. She agrees and now you have become a long distance couple.
Congratulations! You have just completely destroyed your long distance fling and now get to enjoy the misery of a long distance relationship until the stench of the dead fling becomes too unbearable.
What you had first experienced in the fling was great and if you had left it at that you would've been able to enjoy perhaps years of this occasional fling. A long distance fling works for two reasons:
1. There is no commitment
2. No Expectations
If you both happen to have some free time or you are in town you meet up have a great time and afterwards go your own separate ways. The phone calls start to become less and less even though every time you call or meet you pick up right where you left off.
Now what happens when you turn a fling into the long distance relationship is:
1. It becomes a commitment
2. Expectations become great
Before you would meet her when you meet her, now you have to meet because we all know as a man you can only go so long without sex. Also before when you went out you might not have the urge to sleep with someone else and you still would have fun.
Now in the long distance relationship you have to be careful when you go out because you might get the urge and you have less fun when going out if you even do go out.
As a fling there was no power struggle as to who was going to move to be with the other, yet once in a relationship his power struggle will begin because you both know that long distance relationships cant last forever.
In a nutshell when you meet the woman of your dreams three thousand miles away simply accept it for what it is a fling, and if she happens to move closer or your job relocates you closer to her hen you can begin to explore relationships options.
Trying a long distance relationship with someone you just met is a waste of your time, and in the long run all that is going to happen is you missed out on all the other women who lived closer to you and potentially could have made you forget about her.
Ok....so, basically what this author is saying is....that all a relationship can be with distance as an obstacle...is a fling...now if you add marriage...lol to the equation...then, that would be even moreso true....
What I'm trying to get at here...is....that I'm not entirely at blame for having confused a fling for a relationship...because we carried it on...like a relationship...with the frequent contact...the topics of conversation....and on my end....the whole don't go and have pizza remarks...so, for me...I guess it was a relationship all along...I've been the one that has displayed some possesiveness...jealousy...I've shared that thinking about him in some situations would make me uncomfortable...while throughout all of this time...he never has....
Not once...has he implied that he expected me to be exclusive to him..and my husband, of course...lol
I've been the one implying that he should...wow, this really makes alot of sense...
If what the author says is true...and a fling is about no commitment or expectations...then he's been having a fling...and I've believed I'm in a relationship...and that's why we're not always on the same page!
Not that any of this is good or bad...but I think it does explain alot...and in simple terms without the emotional additives....
This really explains the whole...how I only listen to what I want to...and make up stories in my head...versus what's really going on...
I guess I was sidetracked by him being so nice and attentive...when all along he's told me that he's been taught to respect women...and that's what's keeping him around....lol. Sure, he enjoys it....but he's been clear on what this is since day one...and the only one that missed it, was me...
And...he's been honest about it always....has not ever said one thing that would compromise him...he did always say that I was a good friend....lol, ok this is making me laugh here....
What then...lead me to believe that this was a relationship? My goodness...I'm ever more naive than I ever thought...lol....and it's really making me laugh here....
He really likes me...likes spending time with me....talking....and exploring sex with me....yep, now...where on earth did I get anything more than that...I mean, how did I make up a story in my head? I even told him that I loved him...and the poor thing....said he did too...lol.
Wow....I can only imagine what he's been thinking all this time....clueless clueless Becca....
And he's been sitting there...listening to me...day in and day out....completely oblivious...but because he's nice....and respects women...and doesn't want to hurt me...and has fun with it....he sticks around....
I'm entertaining!...laughing....
Well, this is a spin from previous revelations...I'm not upset or dissapointed...I think it's so funny...that I can't stop laughing at myself here...
And I thought I was 16...lmao....more like 10....
That's why he sometimes feels guilty and I can't understand it...it's because he knows...he's always known....and....of course at times...it's too sad of a car crash to look at up close...lmao. And I sit...and pour my soul out....sighs...somehow...it's not that hilarious anymore...
But hey...it's knowledge and growth....
I need to give him back his peace of mind....he must really worry sometimes...lol...about my sanity....
Can't blame him...because looking at this closely...I've really been acting crazy...lol...among other less attractive adjectives....
Why does he keep coming back though? Habit? I mean....after all this....why make time on a daily basis? To preserve my feelings? To have his laugh of the day? lol....I guess that's not really important....
I guess I haven't given him enough credit....for being so considerate of me....
This is good....I knew it would be like pulling teeth...but that eventually I'd start making good progress...
I need to start exploring my darker sides...because the light side is running pretty thin these days...enough of acting out on my childhood traumas...attaching...clinging....and making a true fool out of myself....
Yep...this is good....peeling back the rosy lenses....maybe I'll be able to see life as it is...and now how I'd like it to be...one of these days...
Growing Becca....over and out....