End of the day....

It's quiet today....at home....and in my mind....not a whole lot going on in here today...lol. I'm not sure if my thoughts are going so fast that they're not registering...or if I'm really not thinking all that much....whatever it is....it's good.
Hmmm....what's on my mind? What is there to write about today?
Kids are asleep....he's washing dishes....tv is on and distracting me a little...this whole not having a maid thing is starting to stress me out....need to take the weekend to get things organized around here....inside and out...lol.
LOL...I never had realized that sometimes I pause...and tickle my eyebrow and around my right eye with the tip of my finger....funny....I remember once I had the ADD test done....just because I wanted to...and couldn't sit still during the time that I needed to...I would move my eyes...grind my teeth...and was aware of so many little movements that I make when I don't realize it....hyper creature that I am....
And now I just caught another one...funny!
I play with my hair alot...especially when it's soft like today....nice and straight...and long....feels nice to fiddle with it....I guess it's one of those self soothing habits....I caress my own arms.....lol...now I'm sounding pathetic...but sometimes I do....and like it....my belly also gets some attention....and my lips....lol...ok, mind starting to wander....
I'm kind to myself physically....but not so much emotionally....it's like I have a whole set of rules of what to feel, what not to feel...when to feel, when not to feel...and god help me if I break any of them...lol...it's into overanalysis mode and questions that go on and on for weeks...months...who knows!
What is it that I'm afraid of? Why can't I just let myself go....to wherever I want to...dream land...or real life...or just stay caught somewhere in between? I control my thoughts...my emotions...and when I can't....I find myself in a full blow battle to get them under wraps...why?
But doesn't everyone to a certain degree mask themselves...and repress some feelings and emotions? I mean...doesn't everybody pretend to have it all figured out...and be extremely happy...even when they're not?
Ok, it's not about everybody...it's about me....and what makes me want to keep a grip on everything from my thoughts...to my feelings...
Maybe the question isn't why...but how can I change it? I have some pretty good ideas.....letting go, for one...of my preconceptions....of what I know to be right....and safe...
Letting go of my ideas of what should or should not be....
I really hate having so many thoughts about the same stupid thing....
Just grow up and put the world out of it's misery, is what I think on days like today....stop whining....and deal with your life maturely...without giving excuses for what you do or don't do....I mean, what's up with the whole victim role? I'm not a victim....yes, I have some restraints in my life...but, let's face it....I put them there...and I can let go...even if it's only mentally of them....
I'm much stronger than I've been lately....I've been doing just fine my whole life....keeping the guard up...and distancing myself from what goes on around me...lol...sorta...
Deep down, I've been good at not letting myself get too involved with anything...anyone...not even those closer to me...and it's had it's pros and cons...but I was safe...
Maybe growing up is about not playing it safe anymore and taking risks...even if it's allowing myself to think differently....hmmm....that actually makes sense to me....maybe growing up is about owning my decisions...the ones that turn out to be good...and the ones that turn out to be mistakes...but really...if one chooses to do things...wholeheartedly...how many mistakes can one make? And...who says what's a mistake or not? Is something that causes pain a mistake? I mean...pain is a feeling...and to feel is to be alive....
Maybe pain is necessary....people do call it growing pains...lol there has to be some truth to it....
Don't really know...guess I'm not all here right now....and not much is flowing....I think my first theory of having too much on my mind was accurate...I just want to lay down...close my eyes...and think....gently...calmly....until I fall asleep....
A little tired tonight....lots of energy used up....
Tomorrow's another day.....over and out....