Deep....

Just cried all the way through Jerry Mcguire....can't see the darn movie without wimping out....so many movies, tv shows...books....articles....about the complexity of people and their experiences....their journeys....everyone thinking that theirs is the deepest...the most important...the most challenging....givers...takers....the world has all kinds of creatures in it....the weak...the strong...the wise...the stupid....and they couple up with some of their same kind...or opposites....and then two journeys or stories...turn into one....even more complicated because it's the sum of two people's baggage...two people's thoughts and opinions...and then it turns into working on making them compatible...and able to share differences....understand them....tolerate...accept....adapt....and enjoy...
If it were only as simple as in the movies....the good guys usually win....but in real life....sometimes to win is to lose....and there are shades of good....and bad in everyone....
On tv shows...you get to watch things unravel and understand the relationships as an observer...but in real life...noone is narrating what's in someone else's head...especially not someone else...lol...
So, it's on instinct.....and perception that we blindly feel our ways around relationships....using the best of our sensations to avoid getting hurt....we hit a wall...we back away....we feel a rough edge...we turn....we even pretend that we're not trying to get anywhere...when caught with our hands on the surface....
It's cause and effect....one word leads to a thought....a reaction....a tone of voice will trigger an idea....a feeling....good, bad....and we take it all in....and translate into our own little language...in our heads....
So, does most of a relationship happen only in our heads? How much of a relationship is really aided by someone else....and how much is made up by us...and our vivid imaginations...and wishful thoughts?
I mean...isn't it easy to hear and see what we want? Probably more so that accepting what don't want to see or hear....
How much of the whole building someone up...the whole falling in love thing...the whole warm and fuzzy crap...happens in our head and nowhere else? How much do we make up on our own? How does it begin? Is the desperate want to feel? Do we take a simple...I like you...and spin it into...you mean so much to me? Do we turn sex into meaning you're really special to me? Do we take habit and turn it into love?
How often do we really corner others into adapting to our little dreams?
And how much of it all is only a dream that someone goes along with....to avoid hurting our feelings?
Am I really that lost that I've seen what I've wanted...and been blind to reality? Did I force what would have been something casual into being a relationship? Am I that naive that I believed what I wanted to believe?
My mind says I am....but, and....at the risk of sounding stupid here....something deep in my gutt tells me that I'm not....how can I feel it so deeply, if it's not real? And why do I feel it so vividly sometimes....in his voice...and sometimes I feel nothing at all?
Sighs....I really don't know what to think....other than, I might have lost something....and not noticed it at all....
Why do I even care? Maybe I didn't lose anything....maybe I never had it at all...and my creative mind thought I did....
What do I know about what is real...and what's not? But I so...felt it....am I that messed up that I can be wrong about this? I guess that's what puzzles me the most....I felt it....didn't I? It was real...wasn't it?
But where did it all go? When did it slip through my hands? Why am I asking all this stupid questions?????
Nothing slipped through your hands stupid girl...lol....there was nothing in your hands to begin with....why can't I accept that? Stubborn! It's not a bad thing...it's only something different than what I know....but, I still want it....no expectations....I'm not his girlfriend....
I'm obviously not....that important....
And that's ok....
It's ok that he doesn't love me....and that this is not going to be a romantic adventure....but it can be so many other things....new things that I might not even know exist....maybe he'll be my partner....and pal...and still confident....and my shoulder to cry on at times....a shoulder, I should say...not mine....he's not mine....nothing about him is mine...we're two people who choose to stay connected....but, sometimes choose to go on our separate ways....
Why can't I get through that thought and not think that he's with me even when he's not? My need for drama sometimes can be ridiculous....
Why am I even sitting here thinking about any of this? It defeats the whole purpose of it not being something of substance....I guess I can't stop caring over night....it'll take me a few more of these to get this into my thick skull....it's not bad....just different....and I'd like to begin to accept different....and open my mind....
Hey maybe one day...I'll sit with him and talk about the men in my life....and I'll be able to see him as just a friend....he's a sweet man, and he doesn't want to hurt me....so he goes along with my fairy tales....but we both know....it's not what he wants...I guess I'm just the one daring enough to put it out there....
That's why I didn't ask much about his trip....it's not my business....what he does when he's not around....the last time he was pondering on whether to travel or not...he asked me...shared it with me....this time...I was told...without much detail at all....I felt like he didn't want me to know much about it...so, didn't ask...and won't.....
He's a free spirit....always has been...and he tried for awhile to adapt to my style....and that made me happy....but, I understand that it's not something that he could keep up forever....free is good...unattached...by will....go by our gutt and not by any commitment...or expectation...
Maybe I started expecting...and he wasn't comfortable with it anymore...
I guess I'm really clueless...and have been about what this has been all along....and here I am....still trying to figure it out...I mean how stubborn can a person be????
This isn't productive....
Just let it go....and let the chips fall where they may....be modern....and open minded and not limited...to him...or to anything....
I guess I liked to pretend....that I....nevermind....enough about the same thing already...
That Jerry Mcguire scene....when she leaves him...tells him he loves her son...and really likes her....it takes balls to acknowledge that that's all it is....lol, me and those damn tv shows and movies....maybe I need to get out there and start living my own life instead of trying to see mine portrayed on tv....lol....I'm not sure I got anywhere with these ramblings....nothing is clearer than when I first started to write....I wish I knew what he thinks....really...I mean, if he would just tell me...ok...you're right...this is what it is....point black...take it or leave it...just like that...so I can think of this in those terms....but, the back and forth of emotions...and then no emotions...and then emotions again..
For the love of god...shuttup!...lol. Someone needs to smack me right now....Ok, Rebecca....the man is a man....that is enjoying himself with an affair with someone that he happens to like....and that is adventorous or curious enough to also allow him to explore some of his own fantasies....
That...is IT! No utopia....
I am a woman...that is also enjoying herself....with a man that I happen to care about alot....and am pretty much on the same boat....so, anything I may have thought I felt beyond that...or understood that he may have felt beyond that....is a figment of my imagination....all in my head.
And quite frankly...I guess if I were him too....dealing with some psycho woman that needs to give meaning to every little thing....I'd also become more and more withdrawn or hesitant to show any feelings at all...lol...
It'll take me a little bit....but I will let go....and learn to float above it....
and that will be a great day...when I can look at him....and smile because it's all gone....anything that could weigh this down...and keep us from the fun....
Fun...is a word that I want to explore more....make it part of my life....more fun less seriousness....less questions....less depth....
I want to grow out of my idealism...and embrace the flawed realities of life....and the gray areas of people....maybe when I get there it'll all make sense to me....
I feel like I went on and on and didn't really say anything...but, I'm light enough to sleep now....
Tired Becca....until tomorrow...