Anticipation....

There's something to be said about looking forward to something....whether it's a new home...a family outting...a romantic getaway...reuniting with a friend....the fact that we are motivated by any of these things...and that it can put a permanent smile on our faces...for as long as the waiting period is....I find, is interesting.
The thing that motivate one person are not the same that motivate another...but, that tummy butterfly...I think is the same for everyone...even though not everyone will show it...or verbalize it...at the risk of sounding or appearing to be childish...but, what's wrong with showing that we're so into something...that we become excited about the thought of it....walking around barefoot in my new apartment...standing on the balcony, just looking out towards the city...feeling the cool breeze on my nose and cheeks....just walking around, looking around feeling that sensation of accomplishment...of fulfillment....that's something to anticipate...for me, it'll probably be tomorrow if all goes well...
I've learned that the best way to get a sense of g'ds sense of humor...is to make plans...so I think of how I'd like things to go...expect the best...but save some energy for the worst....keeps me safe...lol.
The romantic getaway is a few weeks away....it's been such a long time since hubby and I have been away together, for more than a night...I wonder what it'll feel like...a part of me is very curious....but I'm sure it'll be lots of fun...if we don't argue, that is...lol...
And even if we do...we can finally experience the whole make up sex thing that I'm foreign to....or am I? When he had the whole fling thing....there was some of that...and not bad at all...lol.
In fact, now that I think about it...it was pretty amazing...lol....
At moments like this...I have to stop and think about how bizarre it is...that I'm looking forward to moments with different people...at the same time....but, that thought is short lived...fortunately...not willing to analyze anything much today....going with the flow...feels good...then it's good...is my motto these days...
Seeing my gfds is going to be very cool too...catching up on all the girl talk, and from what I can see....there's alot to catch up on...lol, you just never know about people's lives....
Wow...I'm pretty stressed today...can feel the weight of the world on my left shoulder...and my neck is stiff as can be....head hurts a little....I didn't eat well today, rushed it...got aggravated with my son...again...so, not really feeling great....need to get my zen back...lol, which is why I thought of my blog therapy...and here I am!
I need to get my eyes checked again...I should wear glasses for reading..lol, but don't...and the computer is bothering my eyes...such an old lady..sheesh! But what can ya do? Ouch...auto massaging my neck....boy is it ever stiff! Pouts...I'm such a wuss....the whole move thing is getting the best of me....and it's a great thing....why am I so stressed? Mrs. Perfection...that's why...will give myself an ulcer one of these days..
Anyway..back to anticipation....I look forward to many things...but only share a few...silly things like seeing people from work...or the meetings where we all get together and chit chat....seeing people that I like...is something I look forward to...and anticipate...not jumping up and down or anything...but know that I'll enjoy it....so, I get a little giddy...
My acting lessons excite the heck out of me...but I only feel anticipation once I'm actually there...and we're asked to do things...so I wait...impatiently for it to be my turn...lol funny....like a kid...
Doesn't everyone though?
The anticipation of feeling him with me again....close to me....looking at me....making love to me...yep, used the L word...so shoot me...big deal...lol, when in sappy mode that's what it's called....when in other moods..it's just sex...for today, that's not what we'll call it....because as much as I might anticipate sex....it starts out by the other stuff...usually...even though if asked...I'll deny it...lol.
The anticipation of being swept away...and having a permanent excuse to smile like an idiot...lol....
The anticipation of....just being there....away, with him....can't really put it into words...but I'm really really looking forward to it....
June is going to be a fun month all around...if all goes as planned....yay!
My goodness and my anniversary...16 yrs...that's a whole blog in itself...
I still like him alot though...after all this time...which is a plus...lol....find him attractive...which is great....still think he can be annoying...as we all can...but, when I really look hard...I can see the man I know I chose for a reason...even those the reason sometimes isn't so clear to me...but I do know....
Despite my curiosity and thirst for knowledge of what goes on out in the world...I can feel safe that I can always have a warm place to fall....like a song I like says....it sounds very selfish...but, don't we all get together with people for selfish reasons? My husband is that....my safety net...my comfort zone....I don't have to really think much..or figure much out...just kinda levitate...lol...and he's cool with that....or is he? lol
Seriously though...he's a family man...end of story...and that's what I wanted....someone unlike my player, womenizing dad...lol....someone that will stop at the store to get milk and bread...and will take the shirt off of his back...to shelter his kids and wife....he's a truly...good man....and has a heart the size of the world...
And I'm the one that solves things...lol...which is why, as he told me yesterday...he keeps me around....
We've gone from naive love....to I think a more grown up...know that you have flaws but want you anyway...kinda relationship...a tad more realistic than it was...in the early stages...not sure it'll carry us for decades...but, am certainly willing to do the foot work needed....
Anyway...back to anticipation....lol
No, wait....the whole naive thing...reminded me of my honeymoon...my god was I a clueless little thing....
Or was I? I wanted to have sex every second of every day...wherever...
And my newlywed husband of just 21 years of age...didn't...I've always wondered why not....was he seeing someone else back then too? lol...my goodness....who cares though...but, I was a hormonal 19 year old...
the wake him up each night with a blow job type...and he'd not really get to into it....grrrr...hate thinking about those days....ok, changing topics...don't want to get angry at him for water under the bridge...
I don't care what people say....sex is important...I mean, the whole intimacy thing...in a relationship...you can really care about each other...but if that doesn't work the way it should...it's the beginning of the end...unless someone speaks up...and works on fixing it...
It can bring people together...or distance them...
And I'll say it as I have many times....taking away the fact that I'm emotionally high maintenance...lol....HUGE fact by the way....any husband would be thrilled to have a woman that actually likes sex as much or more than he does....I'm an odd creature....really! Most of my gfds talk about it like a task....a duty...sometimes it does feel like it...especially if your mind is elsewhere...but on a good day...it's great.
Takes away the stress....and puts ya in a good mood...at least it does me...lol
And the best of all...I sleep like a baby...smiles!
So, where was I? Oh...anticipation...
Well, I think I've made my point....certain things excite me...and I think about them often...until they happen....but in all the time before...I play out each second....of how I want it to be...
Oops....mind just wandered...into the gutter....
Between the apartment...and June...can think of little else...
Hmmm..I wonder if hubby will get daring...lol....maybe we'll go dancing...that would be so much fun!
Need to start looking for fun stuff to wear...already have the bathing suits....and I really want that black beach dress...
yep, it'll be fun...
Ok, time to rest the brain here....signing out....

Daydreaming....

I get in my car....turn on the music...and it's just seconds until it begins...the moment in which my mind wanders....and fills with warm, fuzzy....and feel good thoughts....and sometimes hot and exciting, but also feel good thoughts...lol. I wonder how I can be so taken by the thoughts....and images...and focus on the road...lol...or do I?
It's like my brain is smart enough to zone in and out, when needed....
And I can see where I'm going...but can see where I'd like to be, at the same time...
It's so much fun, to just imagine myself...in a different place...at a different time....playing out what I think might happen, or wish would happen...or go over what already has...
I don't even realize it, when I'm already smiling...all by myself...like a silly girl...lol.
Or, if it's one of those.....then biting my lips....and getting anxious...lol.
Either way, it's fun!
And I can almost feel it...as it happens, whatever I'm dreaming about...
and I can feel the happiness, or the fulfilment...or the excitement...depending on what's going on in my head...
I can imagine, the sensations...and get completely swept away by it....
How time freezes a bit...when you're getting so close to each other...mouths attracted...eyes locked....how it feels...the warmth...and the softness of the lips...the tongue....the playing...the dancing....
How soothing it feels...to be so close...kissing....and then how hands hold you....sometimes firmly...others gently...or they just run up and down your back...other times pulling you closer....but it's always perfect....as if it was rehearsed...everything connects the way it's supposed to....everything fits just right....and you just let go....it's amazing....
Well....dreaming about it...is almost as good...lol.
Once you let the dream get that far...it all happens kinda fast...lol...or sometimes very very slow....
These days...it's usually fast...lol and intense...and passionate...no shyness...no holding back....just going with the feeling....doing what feels right....not leaving an inch untouched....or kissed...or licked...lol.
The dreams....and the anticipation...make it very interesting...and letting my mind wander has become a hobby of sorts...kinda like that happy place that people talk about....and once I've gotten the dream fix, I'm good!
On days like today...it plays out something like this....
We're walking into a room together...alone....the doorway is small...and we're pushed together....giddy about being there....we both laugh....and look at each other....and a warm tingle in my tummy comes over me...his eyes...his mouth...he's right there in front of me....we drop anything we might have in our hands....he gets closer to me...backing me up against a wall....I can hardly breathe....my mouth is slightly open...waiting....his chest is pressed onto mine....his hands....reach for my face....my knees feel weak....my hands slowly climb up and my fingers clasp onto his belt....he takes my upper lip between his lips....and gently pulls it towards him....our mouths dance....very slowly....each time....it feels moist....soft...warm.....our tongues....touch each other....just barely....and then again....and again....and I can feel our breathing get faster....my hands are around him pulling him closer....he's leaning towards me....my heart is pounding....I want him to just lift me up and take me....do whatever he wants with me....lol, seriously....
Haven't really gotten past that moment yet...but I play it out over and over....and it just gets more and more intense....sometimes...my legs end up wrapped around him....sometimes...we end up on the floor....sometimes he turns me against the wall....and bends me over....sometimes he's on his knees...my leg over his shoulder...and he's driving me crazy...lol....
But, we've not gotten past the doorway...in my daydreams....
But wow...lol....alot happens in the doorway....
And it's almost desperate....but, very very good....
Oh, I've also had the clothes on daydream alot.....
We're rolling around in bed...fully clothed....driving each other nuts...but not going any further....just rubbing....and moving....and touching....over the pants...or shirt....or with clothes half on....lol....
I have plenty of time...to get to the next steps...but for now..I am so enjoying the daydreaming....
Just writing it down...and I'm catching my breath...lol....and biting my lips....and daydreaming all over again....
Big smiles....till next time...

Something to be excited about!!!

The family room fan is ready...as is the one in the kitchen...laundry room lights...done! Hallway...oops no electricity...need to fix that....closet lights...check! I think we'll meet the Thursday deadline...yay! It's really coming out nicely...I think I'm finally getting...excited....smiled alot just walking around the empty apartment...lol, it felt like home....I think I'm going to enjoy it....I think I'm ready now...lol.
I got my new stove...water heater and washer yesterday....that was a nice little shopping spree....I'm wondering what I'll do to make the bedroom cozy....lighting is always important....splits getting set up tomorrow...we'll have air conditioning...clean up the place...and we're almost good to go! Started packing here...got rid of soooo much junk! Feel lighter already....speaking of which...I've lost about 4 lbs....and it feels great...getting anxious though and that makes me eat....hope I can control the urge enough....or my tummy will start acting up again...sighs.
The kids are happy...I told them they can have guests on Friday night for dinner and sleep over, if we're all moved in by then...that way they can go down to the pool and park on Saturday...and have a blast....I think their life will be so much better now...with a place to go down to...run around in...ride a bike at....freedom! Childhood should be the best time ever....hopefully they'll enjoy themselves so much more now...I certainly hope so....it'll be hell to get them to do homework though...nope, it'll be better...I'll have leverage...no homework, no downstairs...hehehe, good!
As I sit here...I can feel it...the excitement....I wonder why it wasn't there before...hmmm...doesn't really matter, the important thing is that it's here now....hubby was happy too...maybe that was it...I wanted to see him smile about it....and he did...for the first time...he stresses so much sometimes that he doesn't enjoy things...not that I'm much different...but, I try...lol. He's not feeling too well...has a tooth bugging him but will he have it looked at? no....told my aunt to get him an appointment...he needs to go....pain killers will only go so far...if it's serious. Masoquists...I swear...lol.
Oops...gotta check on my dinner here...late for me....getting used to not eating after 6 pm...and it's work really well...but, am hungry today, got home late...food shopping, pick up daughter...go take a look at the new place..for the 3rd time today...LOL....
Not ready yet...will love the new oven...this one sucks...takes forever to cook in it...
Hmmm...odd dream last night....let me remember here....I was out somewhere...flirting with a guy that I met when I was a teen, that happens to live here...next thing I know there's an earthquake....I'm with the girls..hiding in a room, closet....waiting for a tornado to hit....was soooo scary....I wonder what the heck that meant...me and natural disasters are a frecuent thing now....if it's not a tsunami covering the house...and my kids getting swept away...scaring me half to death...it's a twister, and we have no place to go....I think I'll look it up...wonder what the heck it is....
That pinched muscle in my tush is getting annoying....get up from the chair and limp like an old lady...lol....happens everyday...need to get that looked at...have had it for months now....doesn't hurt...until it does...lol.
Work was good...uneventful....peaceful....
Ok, sleepy here...signing off....peace out!

Fun Saturday....

The leadership workshop was pretty good....better than I expected really...even though the facilitator is intense...but I think she's an acquired taste...lol, aren't we all?
Speaking of personality types...strengths...and weaknesses....it was interesting to see that most people that I was in a group with consider that I'm slow adapting to change...am I? Hmmmm....I know I complain alot...maybe that's it....the dominant side was very obvious though...and in the workplace...I think it's a good trait...keeping in mind though that all extremes are harmful....
I'll ask him to take the DISC for fun...because I think I already know what his predominant trait is...especially when they spoke about hedonism...lol. The whole profiling thing is good...helps you understand people alot more...and it ends the whole...who I like who I don't like...and it makes it more along the lines of...different types of people...and they should be accepted, and we need to work on understanding them and approaching them in a way that's effective....hmmm, I think I did learn something today....
As far as acting today...was great too...was a little late....that wasn't too good...but no biggie because I caught right on...and got great reviews on my singing...and my portrayal of a dying mosquito...LOL. Me and dying...it was so much fun...and there go my knees with so much collapsing onto the wooden floors of the stage....
Being the kind of person that tends to use the upper side of my brain...I can see how being so quick and intense....can sometimes be uncomfy for other people...and I can come off as being a know it all....even when that's not the intention...at action class...I think I'm already stereotyped as this wealthy snob....by the looks of the folks there...lol, oh well...guess I'll have to work on being nice....lol
Gosh, I really ate alot....only english muffins for breakfast...and nothing up until maybe 5 pm...lol, the hamburger and cheesecake that I downed hit me like a ton of bricks! No dinner for me! I need to start the whole cleaning/packing thing...but, as soon as I've digested a bit....
It seems that I have a lot of alone time on Saturday's...feels odd...the house is so quiet...but I like it. Girls are out with cousins....son is out with a friend....and I'm here....lol, being a loony person typing my thoughts of the day....very productive...lol, well....it actually is!
30 days after Thursday....and 20 some days after Thursday....yay! The fun begins! Well...the fun actually begins this week with the move....I'm thinking it's more Thursday than Tuesday...by the look of things...either way...as long as it's this week...we're good. Yawns....yep, I'm tired....no thought of a nap though...would kill my tummy...I've learned that lesson well....
I'm surprised at how comfy I feel on stage...I thought I'd be a little edgy...but it feels like home...lol, and I think these classes are great for reducing stress...after each session...I feel light....
Was told I've lost some weight...woohoo! Need to keep this up....looking good! I'm still looking at starting the fake bake thing this week...hope I can...I have less than a month, for my beach trip.....omgoodness....shopping for new stuff for the apartment...settling everything in...ok, I'm getting excited now....it's such a nice building...and so close to everything...not so noisy...I hope...lol...and did I mention closer to everything? Won't have to wait forever to get home...kids will have friends that can drive them home without feeling like they're driving them to the US....
New maid seems ok...kids like her...she's always smiling...and the apartment is organized....counting my blessings here...looks like I'm on a roll...please keep it up...I like it all so much better this way!
My eyes are getting tired here...looks like bitching gives me more energy than happiness...lol, when I'm on a negative spree...the words just pour...but now...I sit and pause...and feel tired...and wonder what to say next....
I'm thankful today...of everything that has happened to me in my life...sounds lame...but it's true...it's brought me here...even the crap...but, I feel in a good place today....this feeling hasn't been familiar to me...but I can sense it becoming more frecuent than it has been before...baby steps...but it's a good start....
I wonder how he is...has to be tough, what's going on over there...very emotional....I'm glad I'm out of my analysis spell, so I don't have to add any unnecessary grief....but, that's the way life is...people grow on you...you care for them..and one day...they have to go....we can only hope that we go first...to not suffer...but then have others suffer for us? Not really sure which is the least of evils....
Death isn't something I can really think too much about without becoming overly anxious of even depressed...because in all honesty....to make such efforts to improve...to live life the way it's supposed to...only to leave it? Doesn't really make much sense....to love people and lose them....sighs....it just sucks...but, it's one of those things out of our control...really hate those...would love to control it all...lol.
But imagine living forever...not fun either...same ole same ole...forever and ever...lol....so, I guess there's some logic to it...but the bad ways of going...the diseases...accidents....don't like any of it.
I can't think of anything that I am more afraid of than dying....well, that someone I adore dies too....I can't even fathom the possibility of losing my children....would go crazy....yeah, not something I want to think about any further....death is hard...but, life is harder...lol
I like it though...my life these days...as irresponsable...wreckless...and hypocritical as it might seem to some...or would seem to some..if they really knew what went on inside my head...but...I feel good....and as selfish as that sounds...that's all that matters...
They spoke about values today...and I do have them...I don't consider myself to be a careless type of person...I've made peace though with those wants and desires of mine...that don't fit into the moral plan...that someone laid out there....and , it's my life...noone elses...so, it's ok for me.
I'd do it all over again....because I've gained so much more than what I have lost...but as beauty..I guess that's all in the eye of the beholder...and will depend on the lense you're looking at my life with...
I'm thinking the kind that allows me to sleep at night....and I know I might be in denial and stretching it....but it's working....at least for right now....
What I want...exceeds by far my thoughts of what should or shouldn't be...and who is to say what should be? It is after all...my life...
I have to live with me....24/7 for the rest of my days...so at the end of the day...I have to be ok with me...and I am....with my flaws and all...and on days like today...especially because of my flaws....it adds spice to who I am....lol
Ok, enough rambling for today....signing off, until we meet again.

It's that time again...

To write....hadn't really been in the mood over the last couple of days...I think the last writing spree left me exhausted....it's been an intense week....but ended well, that's always a good thing...and despite me getting upset or concerned...things usually do...end up well for me...I wish I'd remember that when everything seems to look gray....
The house is quiet...the kids like the new maid...and it looks like peace is here again....lol, it always comes back...eventually....I really don't know why I panic....it's a cycle...and I should know better by now...than to let things get to me....but it seems easy now...that the storm is over....or I think it is...lol.
The whole move thing is getting interesting...that should keep me busier...the kids and school...focus on the program at work....new action plans rolled out...the anniversary trip...I'm really excited...and, well...the other trip....haven't thought about much else....
The apartment is turning out nicely....hopefully in just a few more days...I need to call the cable guy...phone people...lol, and get all the last details in place...and tomorrow is the leadership thing...fun! Followed by my acting lessons...I'm so looking forward to Saturdays now...yay!
I'm losing weight....feels nice....flat tummy...the way it should be...getting anxious and hungry though...lol...need to cut that out...and watch myself...just because I'm feeling better...I can't start eating like a piggie again...lol. I need some color on me....let's see if I can get around to it this week...lots going on here though...just the way I like it!
I'm in a good place.....wish I could stay here...lol...but knowing me it's temporary...sighs...oh well, need to make the most of it...since these happy phases are pretty short and not as often...lol. That's terrible...that I can be so negative...but, guess it takes all kinds of emotions to make the whole me! Not really in the mood to analyze things...more in enjoy...take in....and anticipate alot right now....there's peace...even in the not to smart decisions....I know what I want...at least for the next month or so...LOL...well, it's a start....
Hmmm...not really inspired to write too much today....would much rather watch tv right now...how shallow...lol...but, I'm kinda tired...all the inner excitement I guess...lol, and the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the last couple of days too....things are finally settling...and I'm feeling it....funny.
I smile big when I think about seeing my gfds....and just spending some time with them....out in the world...free....my time...for me...can't get enough of that...selfish creature that I am...but, don't regret it....
Need to pack this weekend...I'm leaving tons of junk behind....and probably leaving some spaces empty...until I get the furniture that I want...I hate the whole in the mean time stuff...you get so comfy with it...that it's never replaced...because you bought the stuff you could afford at the time...not really what you liked most...so, I'm going for what I like..even if I have to wait....no entertaining guests until I have it...or...just plain ole chairs and tables...no biggie....
The first dinner will be fun....I really like the place...and am in move mode now....dunno what was stopping me....but, I'm ready now...lol, weird....
I'm starting to believe in the whole sexual peak thing...my mind wanders many many times a day....especially when I'm driving...I realize it because one moment I'm day dreaming...and the next the music on the radio sucks...lol, and I hadn't realized it...or it's classical music...that I wouldn't have chosen maybe...lol funny...
It's really fun to daydream....play out interesting scenarios....explore sensations even if it's my imagination....and I smile big...smile alot....
Maybe that's why I'm tired too...not getting much sleep...lol....always up to something...and having a blast...
I think I'm more relaxed....don't think as much about the things that I shouldn't...and just focus on the moment....it can be quite enjoyable...no shyness...no limits....whatever I feel like....hubby seems to have fun...lol.
It sounds terrible, but it's become my favorite sport...LOL...well, I think it's always been something I've liked...just hadn't really explored it much...really haven't either now...but, I've made some progress....lol, I think...lmao!
Maybe it's all of those chemicals that we release....oxytocin...endorphins...all that drug like feel good stuff...lol....it must be what being high must feel like....just floating..enjoying...no pain...lol...no worries...just letting go...and taking it all in....
Yep, I guess I do like sex...alot...lol. Why not? It's fn and burns calories..when done well...hehehe...what the heck do I know about well? Well..I do know when it feels amazing....makes me want to just move with the electricity in my body...ok, enough...lol...it's too early and too many kids around for this kinda talk here....
I think I'll watch tv....lol...until next time.

Till the fat lady sings....

And she hasn't yet...so, I'm still writing...lol.
Let's see....looked up some info on my acting lessons teacher....she seems pretty famous in Panama...has been in theatre for a long time, so it looks like I might be getting my money's worth...good! Tons of actors and actresses here...so, actually getting to do something might not be as simple...I bet it's a very competitive environment...but, need to finish the course before I start auditioning for plays...lol.
That's so like me...always ahead of myself...I really wonder why I do that...always thinking faster than life...processing things before they've even happened...lol. It's no wonder I'm having palpitations...my tummy is on a roll...and I'm just one fidgety hyper creature...everything about me is in overdrive...lol. It's exhausting, which is probably why sometimes it all just shifts off...and I spinning down...to the point where I can't even think...or do much at all....
Ah...new maid coming in tomorrow morning....need to meet her before jumping up and down....
If I ever do keel over...and just die...it's because my kids aggravate me right after dinner...I swear....there is no way, I can interact with them for homework...without wishing I could just dissapear....they don't want to read the instructions...want me to answer it all...don't understand how to do it....lazy, spoiled...grrrrrrr!!!!! Have I made their lives a little too comfortable? How I overcompensated for what I didn't have? Why do I care so much about everything...I swear...it's enough to drive any sane being...nuts!
Hubby's on his way!!! YAY! Come and deal with your little monsters...lmao. It was such a nice day...lol....I was in the middle of yelling at my son...and we both just bursted into laughter....I don't know if everyone is on the verge of a nervous breakdown here...or if we just needed a laugh....sometimes...I don't want to be the person that has to discipline....I want to pretend I don't see anything....ignore...and not have to deal with it....their tantrums....needs....I have no patience...lol....
I really feel like laughing at myself today....really hard...and loudly...laugh until my muscles hurt...I'm a riot!
I'm the modern day latin married latin version of Ally McBeal...who can live like that??? LMAO
Please someone say cut! And let's go to commercials!
I actually look forward to work...at least it's more of a controlled environment than this madhouse...have lots to focus on....I'm in my office...and I'm left alone....I really need that...to be left alone sometimes....and I never EVER have that luxury in this house....
Can't imagine what it'll be like in the new place with even less space...maybe that's why I'm not so thrilled to move? Nah...I can always send them downstairs to the pool area...lol
I love my kids...consider myself to be a good mom....but, I'm increasingly losing my cool...and my ability to deal with their nonsense...
There's three of them and only one of me....yep, only one...because dad isn't of much help at all....poor me...NOT. I need to just punish them more...more consequences...they're getting a free ride at my expense...just because I'm protecting them from what I think would be trauma...I'm being too soft....too allowing...and accepting....they're good kids...but they need more limits....tougher love...and not the yelling nagging kind...but the kind where they really lose priviledges....
But...and there's always a but....poor kids..their dad is always working...poor kids they're stuck with a nut job for a mom...poor kids...unlike their friends...both parents work...and don't have the soccer mom and the car pool mom to take them everywhere....and I know there's nothing wrong with that...but in this environment...they're not the norm....and my mommy guilt....allows them to get away with murder.
Am I raising useless little brats....or am I just out of patience? lol...
Can't believe I just called my kids that...but really...
Anyway....till tomorrow....

In my head....

This has to have been one of the longest weekends ever...and I've still got alot done....today though...I've slept....
I hope it's because I'm exhausted from yesterday's workout and not...because I'm feeling kinda down....don't really feel down....maybe I'm just tired and needed the rest....it's been a very long time since I've been able to just sleep...for hours...uninterrupted....
I just read my previous blog....to better understand it, I guess....I truly hope that this weekend of digging deep, resolves most of this...so I can let go of it already....and as I'm writing....some previous conversations come to mind...like the fact that when he apologizes about something...he always uses the words this girl.....like he's talking to himself....this girl is putting herself out there...and I'm being an ass....so I'm this girl...lol, I guess....can't deny there's a level of distance there....she...is more detailed I guess...but this girl...is like pointing at someone you're not really involved with...this girl..or that girl....how many girls are there...or have there been? lol...a part of me says who cares, really....I mean if he's multitasked all this time...he's done a pretty great job of it...with the exception of recently maybe...maybe there's another more recent, more fun, and less complicated this girl...that's also changing everything...
I mean, he did say for the first time that he didn't think we'd be ok...but, that he's not giving up on me...talk about contradictions....lol.
That he's a bullshitter....in what way? In a way that he'll tell a fib here and there...or in a way that he's just not been honest to this girl? lol...
Really though...what does it really matter? Flings are about moments in time....and nothing outside of those moments are my business....other than the wish for his wellbeing and safety, I guess....I want him to be ok...and happy....with or without me, really.
I guess that's what friends do...they care....
And...we've agreed that we're friends...so, that is ok...I suppose...
I just need to stop thinking about him....period.
When he told me....that he had taken the long way home...and thought about our conversation though....grrrr, those are the things that confuse me! Arggghhh...ok, this is just borderline insane, what I'm doing here....ridiculous...pathetic....ludicrous...pointless.....
I'm not making any sense right now...and when even I can see that...it's time to give it a rest....
Chore time.....and I've not had lunch yet...yikes! Almost 4 pm here....tummy's not even aware of it though...more boring healthy food...
Tuning out the thinker....last weekend blog...done....

I found it!

Reading online articles is something I've always done...way more practical than buying tons of books...when I'm interested in reading about a specific topic....that will probably blow over later on...or like now...that I can't share due to it's nature....I'm not really about to start buying books about affairs....LOL...
Anyway....I found a very interesting article...that I think can help explain what has happened here...in the simplest of forms....of course, it doesn't apply in it's entirety...but I think that the overall message does...
I'm going to paste it in...and comment on it afterwards...lol...but want to save it here, to read it again whenever I feel like it...I think it makes total sense...
Why Long Distance Relationships With Women You Just Meet Don't Work
Have you ever met a woman while you where out of town spent a couple of days together had a great time, then decided that she was someone with whom you had to keep in touch with because the chemistry you two had was like no other?
So you exchange contact information and then flew back home and she went back to her home some 3000 miles away from you.
You get home and a couple of days later give her a call and discover that the chemistry you had when you where together is not nearly as strong as what you feeling on the phone.
Perhaps after a couple of weeks of talking on the phone you decide to fly up and see her and again the connection seems to just be getting stronger and stronger.
Overcome by emotions and joy you decide that you no longer want to see anybody else and ask her if she feels the same. She agrees and now you have become a long distance couple.
Congratulations! You have just completely destroyed your long distance fling and now get to enjoy the misery of a long distance relationship until the stench of the dead fling becomes too unbearable.
What you had first experienced in the fling was great and if you had left it at that you would've been able to enjoy perhaps years of this occasional fling. A long distance fling works for two reasons:
1. There is no commitment
2. No Expectations
If you both happen to have some free time or you are in town you meet up have a great time and afterwards go your own separate ways. The phone calls start to become less and less even though every time you call or meet you pick up right where you left off.
Now what happens when you turn a fling into the long distance relationship is:
1. It becomes a commitment
2. Expectations become great
Before you would meet her when you meet her, now you have to meet because we all know as a man you can only go so long without sex. Also before when you went out you might not have the urge to sleep with someone else and you still would have fun.
Now in the long distance relationship you have to be careful when you go out because you might get the urge and you have less fun when going out if you even do go out.
As a fling there was no power struggle as to who was going to move to be with the other, yet once in a relationship his power struggle will begin because you both know that long distance relationships cant last forever.
In a nutshell when you meet the woman of your dreams three thousand miles away simply accept it for what it is a fling, and if she happens to move closer or your job relocates you closer to her hen you can begin to explore relationships options.
Trying a long distance relationship with someone you just met is a waste of your time, and in the long run all that is going to happen is you missed out on all the other women who lived closer to you and potentially could have made you forget about her.
Ok....so, basically what this author is saying is....that all a relationship can be with distance as an obstacle...is a fling...now if you add marriage...lol to the equation...then, that would be even moreso true....
What I'm trying to get at here...is....that I'm not entirely at blame for having confused a fling for a relationship...because we carried it on...like a relationship...with the frequent contact...the topics of conversation....and on my end....the whole don't go and have pizza remarks...so, for me...I guess it was a relationship all along...I've been the one that has displayed some possesiveness...jealousy...I've shared that thinking about him in some situations would make me uncomfortable...while throughout all of this time...he never has....
Not once...has he implied that he expected me to be exclusive to him..and my husband, of course...lol
I've been the one implying that he should...wow, this really makes alot of sense...
If what the author says is true...and a fling is about no commitment or expectations...then he's been having a fling...and I've believed I'm in a relationship...and that's why we're not always on the same page!
Not that any of this is good or bad...but I think it does explain alot...and in simple terms without the emotional additives....
This really explains the whole...how I only listen to what I want to...and make up stories in my head...versus what's really going on...
I guess I was sidetracked by him being so nice and attentive...when all along he's told me that he's been taught to respect women...and that's what's keeping him around....lol. Sure, he enjoys it....but he's been clear on what this is since day one...and the only one that missed it, was me...
And...he's been honest about it always....has not ever said one thing that would compromise him...he did always say that I was a good friend....lol, ok this is making me laugh here....
What then...lead me to believe that this was a relationship? My goodness...I'm ever more naive than I ever thought...lol....and it's really making me laugh here....
He really likes me...likes spending time with me....talking....and exploring sex with me....yep, now...where on earth did I get anything more than that...I mean, how did I make up a story in my head? I even told him that I loved him...and the poor thing....said he did too...lol.
Wow....I can only imagine what he's been thinking all this time....clueless clueless Becca....
And he's been sitting there...listening to me...day in and day out....completely oblivious...but because he's nice....and respects women...and doesn't want to hurt me...and has fun with it....he sticks around....
I'm entertaining!...laughing....
Well, this is a spin from previous revelations...I'm not upset or dissapointed...I think it's so funny...that I can't stop laughing at myself here...
And I thought I was 16...lmao....more like 10....
That's why he sometimes feels guilty and I can't understand it...it's because he knows...he's always known....and....of course at times...it's too sad of a car crash to look at up close...lmao. And I sit...and pour my soul out....sighs...somehow...it's not that hilarious anymore...
But hey...it's knowledge and growth....
I need to give him back his peace of mind....he must really worry sometimes...lol...about my sanity....
Can't blame him...because looking at this closely...I've really been acting crazy...lol...among other less attractive adjectives....
Why does he keep coming back though? Habit? I mean....after all this....why make time on a daily basis? To preserve my feelings? To have his laugh of the day? lol....I guess that's not really important....
I guess I haven't given him enough credit....for being so considerate of me....
This is good....I knew it would be like pulling teeth...but that eventually I'd start making good progress...
I need to start exploring my darker sides...because the light side is running pretty thin these days...enough of acting out on my childhood traumas...attaching...clinging....and making a true fool out of myself....
Yep...this is good....peeling back the rosy lenses....maybe I'll be able to see life as it is...and now how I'd like it to be...one of these days...
Growing Becca....over and out....

Pandora's Box...

My legs are in pain! I guess I didn't realize just how out of shape I was until yesterday's class....I should have taken something....didn't think of it...lol. So, I make it to the theatre...not a bad looking place...and it was packed...about 30 people to take the class....I was surprised. All kinds of people...older, younger...more women than men. With no introductions the teacher had us start out with some imitating exercises...and magnet exercises....I partenered up with another girl...we had to look for something with a similar build to ours...and off we were....nice music...and after a couple of minutes...my heart is pounding...and it's burning hot in there...and I mean temperature wise!...lol. The ac was off...go figure...luckily it got so bad for all of us that they finally switched it on. We worked with the same partner for a while...it was fun...then a follow the leader sort of thing...and my goodness these folks had energy...I was exhausted...lol. But, a good trooper...no complaining...and went along with it all....
Then some voice exercises....reading a script with certain types of voices...as a group....then a short sketch...was pretty funny actually...one guy recites a short poem...about a hunter and some doves....since there's only 4 guys in the class...each guy hunter had about 6 doves to hunt down and shoot...lol....there's one guy that thinks he's hot...that chose the nicest looking girls in the class....guess who he picked first? LOL...and sat next to me the whole class....not much eye contact on my end...yuck! But I figured I'm in an environment where I might have to be a little flexible about the interaction...it is acting...lol. The teacher praised by dive dying technique...lol and by the time we all had the chance to stand and make our introductions in front of the class..she also said she'd be keeping an eye on me....who knows...maybe this is the beginning of something! I certainly had fun...left the place feeling like a million bucks...just focusing on something different...doing new things...and exploring myself and more layers of my personality....was incredible...I loved it!
She gave us out an email address to check once a week for assignments...and other important information....I hadn't thought about it...but I hadn't been up on a stage since I was pregnant with my middle child...and didn't even know...and had a dance presentation....another experience that I enjoyed...used to do that alot in school...and had formal dance training since I was really young....oh, some of the girls yesterday asked if I was a dancer...LOL, they said I looked like one...of course in my black sweats and black tank top and pony tail....black sneakers too...was very comfy...and most everybody looks good in black....
I feel energized today...can't wait until next Saturday...next class....and for when they start taping our sketches to critique them....we have to put on a play as part of our graduation in 6 months. I'm really excited...hadn't really gotten into anything for me in many many years...and this is something that I had always been curious about....productive...not threatening....well, if I don't count late night practice...if I do chose to get into this semi seriously...which, I would like to...at least dabble into it and see....
Went to the store all excited to tell him about it...lol, I could see that he's not too thrilled...about his wife....potentially getting up close and personal...acting of course...with other people...lol...if he only knew...I did make him feel a little better telling him that there's 4 guys for about 20 plus women...but, seriously...why should I have to? Despite some of my random thoughts...I don't really...or always...lol think of guys in terms of potential fuck buddies...lol...geeze! I haven't turned into a male yet...hehehe...contemplating it though....
I even slept much better...and was in a great mood all day....this can be a release that will really really help me out here....something for me....that doesn't have anything to do with really connecting to anyone...just acting...becoming someone else...anyone else...exploring the feelings...saying the words....it really really sounds like something I'd like to do....
Today, I feel great....relaxed....my mind seems clear....nothing is really bothering me right now....he's off to work....kids are still asleep...and it may be a pool day...got a new bathing suit....and could use the tan....may start fake baking this week...beach outting is just around the corner...don't want to scare the fish with my glowing ghost color...lol....
Keep replaying that class...and how fun it was....my kids died laughing when I told them....doesn't bother me though...they'll love to see me up there...if they get the chance....yep, theatre....sounds nice....baby steps...
Sun is out...but need to give it awhile....rain seems to sneak up on us lately....oh...made a boo boo yesterday...ate chocolate ice cream...just a little bit...but felt fine....needed it! Dinner was nice...we seem like an american family these days....kids big enough to do their own thing...and they do...at the mall...son's downstairs doing his thing with friends...daughter is at the movies with grandma...and mom is done acting...and on her way to join them while dad works and the other child is off at her cousins....fast pace...just the way I like it...and with enough time of my own....to make it a good one....
It's bittersweet though....time is going by fast...have I raised them well? Will they have good things to think about when they think of their mom? Am I a good mother? Hmmm...I could do better....I always could...but truthfully and not to sound like a martyr here....it's not really been easy...it all started so fast...so soon...and I'm not the embodiment of knowledge as far as families go....not much models to follow here...so, considering all that...I'd have to say yes...haven't done too bad of a job parenting....I love them...with all that I am...don't think you can go wrong...when your heart is in the right place like that....
LOL....I didn't really realize how fitting the pandora's box title was until now...because I think I just opened it....
I guess in parenting, it applies...but in the rest of life's different layers...that may not always be true...having the heart in the right place...can also lead you to rocky paths....lol. Or not...wait a minute...so what's so bad about having your heart in the right place...and giving....it's our perogative...and it doesn't mean that other people have to reciprocate...I think that when we expect them to...is when the rockiness begins....we can choose to give....what the other person does with that....is their choice....we can only control ourselves...and sometimes not even...totally...lol.
Everytime I go into this subject, I feel as if I were trying to put a puzzle together...but with missing pieces...and that's probably why I never really get anywhere...I only have my puzzle pieces...and what I suppose are his....not enough to build anything on....and back to my theory of....well, maybe there's nothing to be built....stubborn stubborn Becca...lol, I think it's funny today....that I keep doing this to myself....
Oops daughter is hollering and just on time....be back later...
Breakfast Becca's chapter one of the day....done!

The Orgasm....

Between chores....getting kids ready to go off to their friends house...and sitting here writing....the urge of just feeling great, came over me...literally...lol.
And so, in the quietness of my home....I got in bed, and began to touch myself...
Very slowly...and gently...almost wondering if it was a good idea....and just kinda having some fun with it....no pressure....just enjoying the soothing feeling....of being touched....and so I closed my eyes....and blocked everything out...except that sensation....that tingling that travels up to my belly....and back down again....that makes me want to bite my lips....and lick them....that makes me forget to breathe...and makes me want to be touched more and more....
And so I did....rub my fingers with a little more pressure....but still slowly...and bit my lips harder....and the image came to me...out of the blue....as my nipples hardened under my curious eyes....and my stomache rised heavily with each breath....there I was....in that bed....almost in the middle of it....almost down at the end of it.....my legs bent....and open....and he's there....his hands caressing my thighs....firmly....and his mouth draws closer towards me....and I hold my breath....waiting....wondering....expecting....intrigued....and excited....as I can feel his warm breath getting closer to me....it's happening quickly...but I feel like I'm suspended in time....I grab onto the sheets....tightly....while his tongue....slides gently onto me.....he's licking me....like he really means it....like he's savouring it....and I'm breathless....it's a rush....and it's only the beginning....
I have to look over at him....to confirm that he's there...and that I'm not daydreaming....he's enjoying this....I can feel it....it's like he knows how I want it...how I need it....I'm overwhelmed by the sensations....and it's only the surface....my excitement and his hunger are driving me crazy....a gasp....while his fingers explore me....deeply....it's insane....how my body responds to him....it's so intense....that I can't even think straight....am I going to cum? Did I already? God...I don't want it to stop....I want more...
and as I glance over....he licks and sucks the fingers that are soaked in my juices....oh....my....god.....had I ever seen such a hot and sexy sight....he was tasting me like there was no tomorrow....and I was trembling like I had never been touched before....
And as I'm reliving the quivers....feeling them all over again....an intense explosion takes over my body...and thoughts....and for moments....he's still there...still touching, licking and sucking me....and I don't want it to end....so I rub myself more....and more....and it goes on....and on....my chest lifts...my head is thrown back....and I forget who I am....for those split seconds.....lol, it was truly amazing.
I feel alive....it is indeed....a great day.
Right after that...I suddenly feel the urge to check out acting classes that I've always been considering...lol...it's like I need to channel all that passion...without having to sleep with anyone else...lol....so I called, and bam! Start my lessons today....in about 2 hours....they begin today...what were the odds? I'll have the chance to take all of these emotions....and put them out there...without shaking my world....and having fun...
Let's see how it goes today...I'm really looking forward to it....the kids are all off and on their way....this will be my Saturday getaway...where I can get to be whomever I want....lol...yay!
Big smiles....horny, crazy, bitchy Becca....signing off....

Truth and honesty....

It looks like one of those writing spells that just go on and on...I have a thought, and really feel like putting it down here so that it doesn't just dissapear...I like reading my thoughts...some days it all seems so clear...and some it's just random ideas or opinions....but each blog...I get to know myself a little more...I get to see myself on paper....and it's something that I enjoy....
I find myself peeling back more and more layers....enabling myself to be more honest about what goes on in my head....and finding my truth...or the many versions of it....Doesn't everyone have many versions of the truth? What's the difference between that and lying? Are white lies really justified....in the name of preserving someone's feelings? If people lie, does it mean that they don't care...or do they just care more about themselves than anyone else? I've lied....and justified it....and I've withheld the truth...is that any different? Do I get a discount for not actually lying? lol
What makes people lie? I know that most of the time when I don't tell the whole truth...it's to protect myself...or to be able to get my way without anyone being an obstacle....I don't think it's because I don't care about the other person...but, the thought of being lied to...is painful, why is that? Why the double standard? Good for me...but not good for anyone else? I guess I continue to think in terms of having unrealistic expectations of human beings like myself....Drama and more drama....
People build relationships based on sharing it all, it seems...but at some point...we go back into ourselves...and stop sharing...and go on living paralel lives...the one that shows and the one that we think about....when does it stop? The truthfullness...the honesty...that is what most of the times brings people together? Is it time...and growth, and the fact that people change as time goes on...some more than others...and to not dissapoint anyone...we pretend to be the same? We pretend to be what others are used to seeing...and don't want to shake the foundation? I know I do that sometimes...
I guess I think that if most people knew what goes on in my mind...they wouldn't understand...and on the other hand...why should they know...it's private. Does anyone truly know me? Only a few people....but, more importandly...do I know myself? Or do I just go along with the version of me that I'm comfortable with....
What are the versions of me? Hmmm...let's see here....sometimes I see myself as this hard, cold....driven creature that doesn't have time to see beyond her own needs and wants...and frankly doesn't care about anyone else's....on other times...I see myself as this fragile....almost scared, weak being that doesn't have a clue....on others....it balances out a little more...and I can see that I'm both strong and weak...and that it varies by topic...or situation....I often see myself as a taker...very seldom as a giver...but, I know that I'd like to be more of that....I feel though...that when I give...it scares me...because I expect people to take advantage...
But don't I sometimes take advantage too? I mean...if it's not with the intent of hurting anyone...what's wrong with wanting to get what we want? Again the double standards....I have alot of that in some versions of me...lol
Maybe my timing has been off....and I try to give when I'm not supposed to...and I withhold when I'm supposed to give....driving people insane in the process because they can't figure me out...until they stop trying...
Do I make it easy for people to give up on me? Do I purposely push them away? Do I think that I don't deserve to be cared about? Sometimes I wonder...
Do I suck at reading people? Do I get so caught up trying to literally translate what I'm told...that I really don't listen to what people say?
I sometimes feel that with him especially....I send off mixed messages...and he doesn't truly know what I'm about, in regard to him...
But, I struggle between what I sometimes want and feel, and what I imagine that he wants to hear...
I mean, who doesn't want the modern, detached, no questions....ok with anything kinda girl? Like he says...it's a man's dream....
Can I be his dream....with all of my doubts? And...why do I want to be his dream at all? Ha! That's something that I apparently want...and didn't even know....lol. Can add that to the what I want blog....but why do I want that? Dunno, guess being thought of....dreamed about....wanted...is attractive....appealing....and something I like....
Sometimes I can feel it....that I am the dream...but others I feel more like the nightmare...and that's not what I want to be...so, I withdraw...
Get sad....and question it all....but really, the poor guy has shown more patience, and tolerance than anyone I know....not that he's a saint...sometimes I'm misjudged...and sometimes he's just plain wrong...
I guess, I don't want to be perceived as foolish....and exceedingly involved....I sometimes buy into the whole...we're different that most affairs....but, that's where I need to be careful....because I feel that he knows that we're not....and it's when I believe otherwise...we're knocked off balance...
Anyway....back to truth and honesty....am I honest with myself about this...is he honest with himself about this? He doesn't just want me....he wants the fantasy...and I just happen to be it, today....and maybe today...as I type...I'm not...lol. Shhhh....not going there...
Do I want him...or the fantasy? lol, I can't think about him and not.....not writing that down....I'm done with the innapropriate display of unwanted emotions....it's not what this is about....
So, why am I writing about it at all? Sighs...it's not happening overnight...I know....gradually, until it's all clear...and the fog is lifted....
Lol...I so feel right now, that the 10 guy idea...is a good one....
Maybe if someone else...makes me feel the way he has....I'll get over the idealization of him being more than what he needs to be to me...
More than what he wants to be to me....
He really puzzles me....a sensitive, but still very much a male....compelled to connect at times...and to break free at others....and I'm confused by it....
You know....if he wanted me to know more about his thoughts....he'd tell me....so, there either aren't any that he feels I need to know about...or there aren't any period...either way....it shouldn't be a requirement....I will learn to be with him....and not wonder about feelings....what is it with me and the damn feelings anyway? Must be a girl thing...but geeze...annoying!
Maybe it's just a chemical reaction....I mean, someone walks into your life...and triggers some good emotions....and some mind boggling sensations that you hadn't really experienced in the same way before...of course we'll want more of that....but, does it have to mean anything?
To adults, I mean...can't people just agree to have the feelgood person in their lives...the one they can count on to feel good? lol....that sounded so funny...and shallow...but seriously....
How much of it all...is the sex? Now that's an interesting question on it's own....I might be a clueless idiot...but, there's the sex when people are barely connected...and then there's the sex when people are completely in sync...like I think happened to us...since day one....the ability for me...to let my guard down...and trust...with my body...someone new....something different....in the most intimate way....letting him literally inside of me....and not only physically...
Maybe that's it....that I let him in emotionally too....and the combination of the two...just blew me away....
I make it sound like a novel...and it's not...but, I guess I pour it as it flows...
Maybe I'm so pathetic that the fact that he really seemed to take interest...during every little moment....captivated me....and took me on a high, that I then mistakingly called something else...
And he just didn't have the heart to explain it to me...but rather, as he's said...he was hoping that I'd find my way all by myself....and I think I am...with baby steps...
Maybe I'm so full of myself...that I really hoped to be that someone that he wished he had met his whole life....and was glad to finally have...not to cast any shadow on his marriage...but, from an emotional connection standpoint...why would it be so far ffetched to believe that...if he's told me himself that he's opened up more with me than with anyone else...maybe I'm so naive that I thought he meant including her...and he was just referring to other unimportant or casual relationships...lol.
Like I've said before...maybe I've just been hearing what I've wanted to hear...and not what he's really been saying...I mean, I know I'm not that great of a listener...so it could very well be the case....
And I guess that sometimes I do listen....and hear it loud and clear...that I've been wrong...and that yes...I really am liked...but that's all there is to it....it's a little disheartening....
My pride doesn't really do too well with that....but, I've taken it in...and tried to see how I can still make it a productive situation....for the both of us...but without the drop in the bottom of my stomache...
I might have to write a hundred times before it's all gone....but, it gets easier...every time...
I really do need to grow up and act like the strong woman that I am....I caught a glimpse of it on one of our last calls...so, she's on her way back...and I'm so glad!
So, what is my version of the truth today?
I'm in a good place....I'm understanding things alot more....I'm not as affected by it....I can feel free thoughts flowing....open ideas....without so many limitations floating around....I am a lucky girl...I found a friend.
And what I gain from that....is entirely up to me....and that's the way it should be. The world is full of people and opportunities....to learn....I just need to keep my eyes open...to be ready for when another chance comes my way....
In the meantime...it's a beautiful day....and I'm really hopeful for what tomorrow can bring....
Another weekend blog.....over and out....

Sleepless....

Everyone sleeps.....except me....I was...but then I woke up....and then I did chores....and now I can't sleep....amazingly though, I feel pretty good....lol, funny.
Kids are camping out in my room....hubby is out cold...and I'm wide awake as if it were 3 o'clock in the afternoon....it'll be interesting to see when I'm dragging my feet tomorrow and the kids are jumping up and down to go and do something....I need to arrange to have them all shipped off so I can finish off the chore thing...and see if I can start packing and getting rid of junk here....amazing how I can accumulate tons of it....I'm the kind of person that doesn't like getting rid of stuff...and I keep it...the cards...the papers....the kids doodles...the point where I have nowhere to put it all...but don't have the heart to throw any of it away....report cards....baby clothes...lol, I'm such an old lady in some ways....but getting rid of junk can be uplifting....I really believe that the way we keep our house...or car, or any of our belongings is a reflection of our minds...which is why I was in dire need to get my car fixed up...was getting depressed with it looking that crappy already....lol.
I give away all the old clothes...to anyone who might need them...want them....don't have a problem inheriting clothes myself...my sister in law has passed on some nice stuff over the years...lol....a few cute blouses....which is the only thing that fits...and I've passed along some dresses for her...that I can't fit into anymore...lol. The kids also go back and forth with clothes...and they love it...it seems to mean alot to them to wear something that belonged to a cousin...and the same with the cousins and them....of course not all clothes can be recycled...lol only the really nice stuff....that's a shame to give away to just anyone....with my son he's usually giving my nephew suits and dressy clothes more than anything...
So clothes are on my mind...lol, how shallow....must be all the stuff I just threw in the washer and dryer....separating by colors...by clothes and towels....luckily I'm not one of those so useless ones that get everything all ruined messing up colors or shrinking stuff...hasn't happened yet...doubt it will....
Wow...I'm so wide awake can't imagine what time I'll be ready to doze off again...not feeling it right now though....but am yawning...go figure....lol.
No work on May 28th...yay! And probably taking 4 or 5 days off during the first week of June....nice! I think we're going to the beach after all....have a feeling it'll rain...but oh well...can be nice even with rain....no kids....just relaxing....saw a nice beach dress today...pretty sexy looking...might get it if we do confirm the whole plan...although I think it's a done deal....odd that he asked me about it today when I called...must not have been alone...lol. Which is why I don't call much...hard to be spontaneous in such situations....don't want to put him on the spot...oh well, don't ask...don't tell....is the new motto....
More yawns....but not really sleepy....guess my body is but my brain is still in overdrive....
Tummy feels better, have really been watching what I'm eating...and I think it'll help me with the whole weight loss thing....need to start fake baking if I'm going to show off my new bathing suits....get all dolled up...it's been a very long time since we've been away alone...I'm looking forward to it....I have a feeling he'll sleep alot...I better bring along some music and a good book....I enjoy walking on the beach alot though....funny that I actually like to do it all alone...it's a great thinking spot...beautiful view....and wouldn't hurt to just doze off with him...be lazy together too....
Yeah...looking forward to it....
I'd like to be able to do that more often...we'll see how this time goes....it's important....away from the children...sometimes we forget....and let everything revolve around them....to the point where even the kids resent the fact that we do on ocassion want time to ourselves...they can be so overbaring....more yawns....lol.
Walking in the rain.....that would be nice....haven't done that in ages....I wonder if they have a disco place....bar thing...whatever....would like to dance too...haven't in awhile and I like to so much....
I feel free when I dance...like the music takes me somewhere different....just away....and it moves me from deep down inside....
Oh! Someone at work gave me a great idea....we were talking about my girlfriend and her birthday plan in the states and all that, and she suggested that instead of going to see guys take their clothes off...or...as well as doing that...lol...we could hire a girl stripper to teach us the moves! I'd so have fun with that...lol. Same with belly dancing...I want to learn to do that someday...I think I might be able to without so much of a problem...have tried to isolate my hips and move shakira style...and it comes out pretty good...so, if I was actually taught...would be great.
Big yawns....I can see myself doing the stripping thing for fun....just to see the reaction...lol, hilarious....yeah a couple of moves would be nice to learn....
Sex scenes have played in my head several times today....lol...really passionate ones....up against a wall....kissing until it hurts....and holding each other tight...and just going at it!...laughing....tons of ooohs and ahhhhs....and it's hot and sticky....and messy...and fun! Smiles here....
I think I'm relaxing myself to sleep here...yay!
Yeah...time to try the bed thing again.....sleepy Becca signing off...

Deep....

Just cried all the way through Jerry Mcguire....can't see the darn movie without wimping out....so many movies, tv shows...books....articles....about the complexity of people and their experiences....their journeys....everyone thinking that theirs is the deepest...the most important...the most challenging....givers...takers....the world has all kinds of creatures in it....the weak...the strong...the wise...the stupid....and they couple up with some of their same kind...or opposites....and then two journeys or stories...turn into one....even more complicated because it's the sum of two people's baggage...two people's thoughts and opinions...and then it turns into working on making them compatible...and able to share differences....understand them....tolerate...accept....adapt....and enjoy...
If it were only as simple as in the movies....the good guys usually win....but in real life....sometimes to win is to lose....and there are shades of good....and bad in everyone....
On tv shows...you get to watch things unravel and understand the relationships as an observer...but in real life...noone is narrating what's in someone else's head...especially not someone else...lol...
So, it's on instinct.....and perception that we blindly feel our ways around relationships....using the best of our sensations to avoid getting hurt....we hit a wall...we back away....we feel a rough edge...we turn....we even pretend that we're not trying to get anywhere...when caught with our hands on the surface....
It's cause and effect....one word leads to a thought....a reaction....a tone of voice will trigger an idea....a feeling....good, bad....and we take it all in....and translate into our own little language...in our heads....
So, does most of a relationship happen only in our heads? How much of a relationship is really aided by someone else....and how much is made up by us...and our vivid imaginations...and wishful thoughts?
I mean...isn't it easy to hear and see what we want? Probably more so that accepting what don't want to see or hear....
How much of the whole building someone up...the whole falling in love thing...the whole warm and fuzzy crap...happens in our head and nowhere else? How much do we make up on our own? How does it begin? Is the desperate want to feel? Do we take a simple...I like you...and spin it into...you mean so much to me? Do we turn sex into meaning you're really special to me? Do we take habit and turn it into love?
How often do we really corner others into adapting to our little dreams?
And how much of it all is only a dream that someone goes along with....to avoid hurting our feelings?
Am I really that lost that I've seen what I've wanted...and been blind to reality? Did I force what would have been something casual into being a relationship? Am I that naive that I believed what I wanted to believe?
My mind says I am....but, and....at the risk of sounding stupid here....something deep in my gutt tells me that I'm not....how can I feel it so deeply, if it's not real? And why do I feel it so vividly sometimes....in his voice...and sometimes I feel nothing at all?
Sighs....I really don't know what to think....other than, I might have lost something....and not noticed it at all....
Why do I even care? Maybe I didn't lose anything....maybe I never had it at all...and my creative mind thought I did....
What do I know about what is real...and what's not? But I so...felt it....am I that messed up that I can be wrong about this? I guess that's what puzzles me the most....I felt it....didn't I? It was real...wasn't it?
But where did it all go? When did it slip through my hands? Why am I asking all this stupid questions?????
Nothing slipped through your hands stupid girl...lol....there was nothing in your hands to begin with....why can't I accept that? Stubborn! It's not a bad thing...it's only something different than what I know....but, I still want it....no expectations....I'm not his girlfriend....
I'm obviously not....that important....
And that's ok....
It's ok that he doesn't love me....and that this is not going to be a romantic adventure....but it can be so many other things....new things that I might not even know exist....maybe he'll be my partner....and pal...and still confident....and my shoulder to cry on at times....a shoulder, I should say...not mine....he's not mine....nothing about him is mine...we're two people who choose to stay connected....but, sometimes choose to go on our separate ways....
Why can't I get through that thought and not think that he's with me even when he's not? My need for drama sometimes can be ridiculous....
Why am I even sitting here thinking about any of this? It defeats the whole purpose of it not being something of substance....I guess I can't stop caring over night....it'll take me a few more of these to get this into my thick skull....it's not bad....just different....and I'd like to begin to accept different....and open my mind....
Hey maybe one day...I'll sit with him and talk about the men in my life....and I'll be able to see him as just a friend....he's a sweet man, and he doesn't want to hurt me....so he goes along with my fairy tales....but we both know....it's not what he wants...I guess I'm just the one daring enough to put it out there....
That's why I didn't ask much about his trip....it's not my business....what he does when he's not around....the last time he was pondering on whether to travel or not...he asked me...shared it with me....this time...I was told...without much detail at all....I felt like he didn't want me to know much about it...so, didn't ask...and won't.....
He's a free spirit....always has been...and he tried for awhile to adapt to my style....and that made me happy....but, I understand that it's not something that he could keep up forever....free is good...unattached...by will....go by our gutt and not by any commitment...or expectation...
Maybe I started expecting...and he wasn't comfortable with it anymore...
I guess I'm really clueless...and have been about what this has been all along....and here I am....still trying to figure it out...I mean how stubborn can a person be????
This isn't productive....
Just let it go....and let the chips fall where they may....be modern....and open minded and not limited...to him...or to anything....
I guess I liked to pretend....that I....nevermind....enough about the same thing already...
That Jerry Mcguire scene....when she leaves him...tells him he loves her son...and really likes her....it takes balls to acknowledge that that's all it is....lol, me and those damn tv shows and movies....maybe I need to get out there and start living my own life instead of trying to see mine portrayed on tv....lol....I'm not sure I got anywhere with these ramblings....nothing is clearer than when I first started to write....I wish I knew what he thinks....really...I mean, if he would just tell me...ok...you're right...this is what it is....point black...take it or leave it...just like that...so I can think of this in those terms....but, the back and forth of emotions...and then no emotions...and then emotions again..
For the love of god...shuttup!...lol. Someone needs to smack me right now....Ok, Rebecca....the man is a man....that is enjoying himself with an affair with someone that he happens to like....and that is adventorous or curious enough to also allow him to explore some of his own fantasies....
That...is IT! No utopia....
I am a woman...that is also enjoying herself....with a man that I happen to care about alot....and am pretty much on the same boat....so, anything I may have thought I felt beyond that...or understood that he may have felt beyond that....is a figment of my imagination....all in my head.
And quite frankly...I guess if I were him too....dealing with some psycho woman that needs to give meaning to every little thing....I'd also become more and more withdrawn or hesitant to show any feelings at all...lol...
It'll take me a little bit....but I will let go....and learn to float above it....
and that will be a great day...when I can look at him....and smile because it's all gone....anything that could weigh this down...and keep us from the fun....
Fun...is a word that I want to explore more....make it part of my life....more fun less seriousness....less questions....less depth....
I want to grow out of my idealism...and embrace the flawed realities of life....and the gray areas of people....maybe when I get there it'll all make sense to me....
I feel like I went on and on and didn't really say anything...but, I'm light enough to sleep now....
Tired Becca....until tomorrow...

End of the day....

It's quiet today....at home....and in my mind....not a whole lot going on in here today...lol. I'm not sure if my thoughts are going so fast that they're not registering...or if I'm really not thinking all that much....whatever it is....it's good.
Hmmm....what's on my mind? What is there to write about today?
Kids are asleep....he's washing dishes....tv is on and distracting me a little...this whole not having a maid thing is starting to stress me out....need to take the weekend to get things organized around here....inside and out...lol.
LOL...I never had realized that sometimes I pause...and tickle my eyebrow and around my right eye with the tip of my finger....funny....I remember once I had the ADD test done....just because I wanted to...and couldn't sit still during the time that I needed to...I would move my eyes...grind my teeth...and was aware of so many little movements that I make when I don't realize it....hyper creature that I am....
And now I just caught another one...funny!
I play with my hair alot...especially when it's soft like today....nice and straight...and long....feels nice to fiddle with it....I guess it's one of those self soothing habits....I caress my own arms.....lol...now I'm sounding pathetic...but sometimes I do....and like it....my belly also gets some attention....and my lips....lol...ok, mind starting to wander....
I'm kind to myself physically....but not so much emotionally....it's like I have a whole set of rules of what to feel, what not to feel...when to feel, when not to feel...and god help me if I break any of them...lol...it's into overanalysis mode and questions that go on and on for weeks...months...who knows!
What is it that I'm afraid of? Why can't I just let myself go....to wherever I want to...dream land...or real life...or just stay caught somewhere in between? I control my thoughts...my emotions...and when I can't....I find myself in a full blow battle to get them under wraps...why?
But doesn't everyone to a certain degree mask themselves...and repress some feelings and emotions? I mean...doesn't everybody pretend to have it all figured out...and be extremely happy...even when they're not?
Ok, it's not about everybody...it's about me....and what makes me want to keep a grip on everything from my thoughts...to my feelings...
Maybe the question isn't why...but how can I change it? I have some pretty good ideas.....letting go, for one...of my preconceptions....of what I know to be right....and safe...
Letting go of my ideas of what should or should not be....
I really hate having so many thoughts about the same stupid thing....
Just grow up and put the world out of it's misery, is what I think on days like today....stop whining....and deal with your life maturely...without giving excuses for what you do or don't do....I mean, what's up with the whole victim role? I'm not a victim....yes, I have some restraints in my life...but, let's face it....I put them there...and I can let go...even if it's only mentally of them....
I'm much stronger than I've been lately....I've been doing just fine my whole life....keeping the guard up...and distancing myself from what goes on around me...lol...sorta...
Deep down, I've been good at not letting myself get too involved with anything...anyone...not even those closer to me...and it's had it's pros and cons...but I was safe...
Maybe growing up is about not playing it safe anymore and taking risks...even if it's allowing myself to think differently....hmmm....that actually makes sense to me....maybe growing up is about owning my decisions...the ones that turn out to be good...and the ones that turn out to be mistakes...but really...if one chooses to do things...wholeheartedly...how many mistakes can one make? And...who says what's a mistake or not? Is something that causes pain a mistake? I mean...pain is a feeling...and to feel is to be alive....
Maybe pain is necessary....people do call it growing pains...lol there has to be some truth to it....
Don't really know...guess I'm not all here right now....and not much is flowing....I think my first theory of having too much on my mind was accurate...I just want to lay down...close my eyes...and think....gently...calmly....until I fall asleep....
A little tired tonight....lots of energy used up....
Tomorrow's another day.....over and out....

No more rain but still rambling....

Ok, where was I?.....Went to pick son up...wasn't at his friend's was at my aunt's...had to stop at 2 different places in opposite directions....yay! not...
Took some clothes out of the dryer and put some more in...uniforms....that need to be ironed....dinner's ready...so I have some time now...this beats watching tv...or pestering my kids....lol....
So...while I was driving....it hit me...what's with the whole aroused thing? And when will I get over my 12th birthday and call things by their names??? Can I ever write the word horny? lmao....hate how that looks on the screen, but seriously....does that make me a bad person...to actually have a healthy sexual appetite? Ok, maybe not healthy all the times...or acceptable...but, works for me! No, that can all be healthy..depending on ones likes or dislikes...so, why do I have to judge myself on what I find interesting or not...and whether I'm in the mood for it or not? Ridiculous!
So I am a human being like everyone else...not above feeling sexual needs and wants....so what? I'm the only one that seems to care how that comes across...lol or is perceived...but who the heck is around to perceive any of it? My husband that obviously knows that I enjoy sex...duh...and the other person in my life...that knows that...and probably even more so....so what's the hang up???? I swear, I spend so much time repressing myself than no wonder sometimes I come across as loopy and drive myself nutso....
I mean yes...I'd not like to be the raw all out there...in a yucky way....yucky...ok, back to being 12 here again...lol....what I guess I mean is not in a dirty sense....lol...can I manage to write dirty without hesitation? Geeze....
This is histerical...what a rainy day has unleashed here...
But I'd suppose that sometimes....down and dirty could be fun and good....lol...that'll be the day, when something over the top like that flies out of my mouth...when the most daring thing I've said is something along the lines of harder...lmao...can't do the sex talk for the life of me....no, not entirely true I can vaguely describe situations...but even then...I block myself...I guess I don't want to sound like a 2 cent phone sex or hooker type...lol but can't good girls get down and dirty sometimes too?
I'd imagine so...and it's probably fun as heck....one day, maybe....
So, do sluts have more fun? I really don't think so...seriously...but I guess what I'm getting at is that no complications would be such a relief...but who says they don't have complications? Not being taken seriously by any man because of their reputation has to be pretty crappy....so yeah....there's complications in every situation....
I think what I like about the whole slutty image...lmao...is the control...
and I wonder if I'll ever build up the gutts to take control of a situation to the point of literally taking initiative....and watching the other person squirm....lol, the thought alone is attractive....yep, I'm a control freak...but interestingly enough....I think my reaction in intimate situations is more of a let the other person take control...maybe because I'm always in control over every aspect of my life???? Or because I just don't have a clue???
Don't know....I like the idea of the femme fatale have whomever whenever....but just for the power trip and to know that I can...even if it doesn't materialize...bitch that I am, I guess...lol....but on the other side I also like to be swept away without much effort...just kind of led and let go...
So am I passive aggresive? or just plain whacko??? lol
Smiles...I like sitting here exploring all of this junk....the fact that I'm even allowing myself to...is progress....
Intense emotions drive me....that much I can confirm....maybe some people are built to need more of a rush to enjoy things? Why is it that some people are content with what they have...and some always try to have more? Is it a chemical thing? And when did I get so curious?
LOL...I'm just this little ball of questions....and wanting to answer them all right away....I want to know so much....and feel that I know so little...about everything....
I want to know what it's all about....the whole relationship thing...but I mean...deeply...what makes me tick....what sensations am I missing out on? Isn't this the kind of high junkies look for though? I mean...how much curiousity is ok...and how much can be conisidered too much?
Maybe the kind that is thought about and not acted on? Or maybe some is ok to act upon...just not all...or maybe I'm going to become a trisexual...lmao...try anything?
Laughing....nope, not happening....but definitaley have ALOT to learn and experience before I leave this life....
Wow...the house is still quiet with all three kids here...amazing....maybe it's the rain and they're down...lol...yay for the rain! Keep coming!
I do think often about what religious people say about sex...and how the whole flesh thing isn't good....well, maybe not often but it does cross my mind...maybe it's the weaker people that are curious and act on things by experiencing? Maybe it takes stronger personalities to stay away from all the mundane stuff? Or....it's the opposite...it takes strong minds to want to venture into out of control situations for the thrill? Well, maybe not out of control ones...but extreme ones, I guess....
How religion can screw your brain up....so many taboos and crap...and unhappy people living by books that were probably written by hippies...lmao....but then again...what's acceptable...if you cross one line and then two...where to stop? One affair? Two? men, women? tons of people? As fun as it may sound....how much is too much, and what is intended to be imagined and not lived?
I do know though...that a part of be doesn't care and wants to live dangerously...and it's the risk factors that keep me on my toes...or at least they play a part in it....
And the fact that I decide...in the not so known part of my life...what happens and what doesn't...whereas in real life...it's all pretty much said and done....mom and wife....with all of it's responsabilities....but inside myself...and with someone else...nothing matters but who I am and what happens in a moment...
The moments of phone calls...or chats....and the in person moments...are really what matter...and I can be free...to do whatever I want...however I want....no questions....
So, to come full circle...I don't really agree that being a slut is what makes anything better...lol....and that having an affair makes someone a slut....but being true to oneself...and acting on it....is healthy in the end...
When I go...I'm taking what I did or didn't do...how I did it and with who...and how many times I felt truly fulfiled....
People will remember me how they may....but I'm taking my moments with me....and that's all....not only being someone's wife or mother or daughter...but the moments that belong only to me...for me....
The moments that make me smile....out of nowhere....and make me feel alive...
Shewww....deep blog, I think....lol
I feel lighter though and a little wiser...still ways to go...but on a pretty solid track....smiles...
The rain is gone but I have a colorful rainbow in my head right now....the possibilities in my life....
Becca tired signing off for tonight....

Rainy day rambles...

What is it about rainy days that just gets under my skin? The gray sky? The fact that it gets colder everywhere? The traffic jams? Can't really say...but it's like I gain weight...literally, and don't even want to sit up straight...I can feel my eyelids getting heavier, and my legs get lazy to even walk.....
On days like today....I enjoy to stay curled up in bed...watching a good movie and eating chocolate ice cream....yum! Preferably not alone....to be able to snuggle and stretch against him like a lazy little kitten whenever I want....and whine....nudgin him with my head just enough so that he strokes my hair....until I smile....lol...but, I'm not high maintenance at all....right! Throw my leg on over him....and just feel his warmth....all around....
Or if alone...do all of the above...with several pillows...no whining or nudging required....I'd replace those with rubbing my eyes and yawning very unattractively....LOL...I toss and turn alot more with the latter....with him, I fall right asleep....
Sex on a rainy day is usually much better too....thunder, lightening....chilly....but so warm under the covers....I usually complain at the beginning and go for the covers until I warm up....or not...LOL....sometimes I just complain and complain...mood killer that I can be....
Good music...comfort food, and good company are rainy day essentials....but today, I had to work...yuck! Had pizza for lunch that made my tummy go haywire....and no snuggling....instead I ended up wrapped up like a taco to keep from freezing! Well, that's not entirely true...I did mentally snuggle...lol....does that count? It did warm me up...so I guess it must....
Smiles....and now my mind just went black thinking about that....and can't seem to get back on track....I'm stuck, with the mental snuggle man in a room...and it's raining....and I'm not cold at all...LOL...Rooms get darker when it rains...it all does...but it creates a pretty cool effect next to windows with curtains not entirely open....hmmm....did it rain while he was here that one time? It seems familiar...and if it wasn't then the heck with it....the day dream looks good....pausing here....want to just think and not write....it's amazing how some thoughts can be so vivid....and how I can almost feel it happening....I must have that stupid look on my face right now....but I'm smiling...so it's all good...
Another spoonful of sweet corn with butter and salt here to get back to reality....my daughter is watching her favorite tv show....and the house is soooo quiet...yes! I have to cherish this rare moment....
The house isn't such a mess....more clothes washing and drying....made dinner....not bad...getting better at this....
It's chilly here....had to turn the ac off.....rainy day....oops telephone....kids need mommy pick up....or maybe not....if my aunt can drive them over...I wish...I'll wait and see for a few....but I'm pretty sure that I'll have to go and get them.....
Stretching....don't know if it's the writing....or the day...but getting lazy here...still have a long ways to go to bed here though...not until the mr. gets home and that's usually late these days...
Looked into places to go on his days off....the dates aren't confirmed yet....and I'm laughing to myself here....such double morals....thinking about my days away with hubby...and the almost immediate thought is also the other plans....I had to literally stop to chuckle....I guess I'm still a little surprised at myself and my ability to multitask emotionally....LOL
Today it all makes sense though....wish I had this clarity all the time ...phone keeps ringing...ok, daughter is being dropped off and we'll all go and get son after that....gives me some more time to ramble....
So back to his days off.....several choices, not any defined yet....need those dates, so that we can have those squared out before the end of the week...when I'll spring my travel news....lol....I have become the devil....
Oh, and have to look into anniversary plans too....LOL....not that Marriott this year, for sure....maybe this outting should be our anniversary getaway and just have dinner or something on that Thursday...or it is Friday?....Anyway....lots to plan, such little time...yay! I like planning....I really hope my other plans work out...if not, there's always July and my son travelling....not so easy to get away then though...but not impossible...we'll see how it goes...but, I'm pretty sure that I'll come up with something over the next couple of months...
Phone again...he's actually shopping for me....end of the world? He's looking at the wrong sizes though....must be thinking about the praying mantis he was seeing....lol, I've not fit in a size 6 in ages! But, I'll let it slide...it's the thought that counts...and he's looking for stuff for me at the store...last night must have really been good...OMG...I'm a slut! Laughing....and my point is? At least sluts have fun....hmmm....maybe I should explore that thought a little further....
Really...if I slept with more people...would that get me rid of my hang ups and my need for emotional crap? Or would I end up all lovey dovey each time....I guess the circumstances would probably determine that....what the hell am I talking about? As if....I'll jump in bed with the first guy that says....lmao...wait a minute....I think I did that already.....yep, slut indeed.
Yeah, but there was some connection there...not like a met Pedro off the street and started stripping....boy, for a rainy day blog this has gotten interesting.....
Sex with a total stranger....hmmmm....a part of me says, interesting...but what are the odds of actually hitting it off with someone like that...I need a connection, something....
My god....what the heck am I thinking today? Way too open minded today...lol...oh well, it won't leave this blog and materialize anyway so what the hay....
So back to the sex with a stranger....nah, it's not really an appealing thought once I take the candles, the beach and the background music away....LOL....Doorbell, it was my daughter...while I waited for her....the funniest thought crossed my mind...did he really say hoo ha today? lmao
Or was it hoo hoo? Can't remember but it was soooo funny....
Ok, so not interested in the stranger thing....fun thought though....I mean, it would probably be excited....but very scary....if it was either someone I know and trust...or a movie star....and can't think of any of the two....lol....David Beckham in an alley....yep...interesting.....very interesting.....hehehe....ok, so if the stranger is hot....but that's so subjective....whatever...not like I'm going to do the research on this here...
Let me read back and figure out how I got here...lol
Ah ok...the sluts have fun comment...now I remember, got sidetracked with Beckham here....who wouldn't?
Really though....trying out whatever with whomever...no complications....but I guess I'm not built that way...which is actually a good thing....never say never though...I've crossed some freak lines that I never thought I would soooo...who knows?
Hmmmm.....so, emotional connections are so messy....what's left is the sex part...I really wish I could just think like my gfd in terms of pickles...and nothing else....but, if that were the case I'd be happy with a dildo....and, I don't see myself getting it on with a piece of plastic...no matter how pickle ish....LOL....
It's what's inside....the feelings that can make a moment amazing....or not....and here we go on the sappy ride again....and maybe I am a corny romantic...but that's the way I like it....moments that really take my breath away...and not just because of the exercise...but the intensity of the emotions....lol....
Not to say that I'm against some wham bam...let's get it on like animals every once in awhile....lol, like his toilet story....that would be fun....
Did I mention that rainy days make me uhmmm....aroused? No kidding....after all this sex talk....laughing....
Oops...was day dreaming again.....smiles....actually playing back some already lived tapes....ooook....time to pick up my son...maybe continue my rambles later on if I have the time...I actually like where this rainy day is taking me....it's sunny in my head already.....
To be continued....