What I thought it would be....

Hopefully this will help me understand.....why I'm running low on motivation these days....regarding that other thing...
In the beginning....his presence was uplifting....the bantering...the flirting...there was enough energy there to light up a whole country...lol...
The sexual tension was pretty intense....being in the same room/office with him would get me all flustered....had to drink water by the gallons ...lol....there was something there....but, I never really lost sleep over it....was great when he was around...and didn't really think about it...while he was gone....
But it was enjoyable....I had a great time...even talking business....his voice....his charisma....and his very charming way of getting his points across was attractive....the way he smelled....the way he looked....the way he carried himself....had me interested to see what he would do next...say next....wear next...lol....
Just writing about it...makes me smile....
His sense of humor....witty personality....and sometimes vulnerability...very unlike most male macho types...although very much a typical male at times...lol....captivated me...
Everything from the way he could enjoy a meal....lol yeah, pretty silly but I think it was his passion that was evident in everything he did...
All that was fun to watch....and enjoy...we got along really well....he challenged me...like very few....and sparked a curiousity that I didn't even know that I had....
But nothing...could have prepared me for what I was going to feel....once I walked through that door....
I can still remember his big smile....and his surprised look to see me....walking into his room....crossing a line that I didn't think I'd really be capable of....until I did...
I was so drawn to him that....I left most of my hang ups at the door....
and just let go as much as I could at the time....for him to guide me to....that new place that I wanted to be....
Pausing here and playing the tape back.....with a big smile....he was so sweet...and understanding....laughed as I did....of how shocking it all was....these two people that up until then had only maybe thought about being there...together...were actually there....touching each other....kissing each other....and laughing together....it felt so right, that it was scary....I was so comfy....in his arms....
From that moment on....there was very little else I could think of....and nothing really happened! But everything did!
And we would talk....about ourselves....looking forward to the next time....getting to know each other....we wanted to spend every available minute connected....talking....giggling....telling stories....it was amazing...and then we met again....and I became someone that I didn't know existed....I felt as if I didn't have a care in the world...and all I wanted was to be there...with him....and we had sooooo much fun....
It was good....beyond good....it was fantastic....lol....heck I don't know of any words that can really describe what it was....
I wasn't too shy....I let myself go....somewhat...lol...and I just loved every second I was with him....
After that, we also spent almost every available moment talking....and talking some more....yes, with the ocassional argument...but who wants to talk about those....I'm just trying to remember how it all started and why I'm still here....
The questions.....and digging deeper and deeper....and the level of connection, the intensity of it all...I couldn't wait...to talk to him again....3, 4 times a day...lol...imagining all kinds of scenarios, things that we wanted to do....place we wanted to be....I felt so fulfilled....and motivated....and wanted...and desired....and interested in getting to know this man that had opened up everything that I had bottled up inside forever and ever....I was having the time of my life....hadn't been so thrilled about something....and had so many reasons to walk around smiling...than I had then....
I had found my partner in crime....a true friend of the very very rare kind....the one that you can say anything to....your deepest darkest desires...secrets...and whacky thoughts and he wouldn't judge....but would be interested in anything I had to say....lol...who knew???
The one that you can count on for adventure...but with a caring enough heart to make you feel special...
It sounds sooooooo corny...but it made me soooooooo happy...
I felt like there wasn't anything I couldn't do...
The months were just flying by and I just couldn't get enough of him...I couldn't close my eyes for one second and not see him...and me...and lots of smiles....
I thought we would keep that up...and yes, maybe not see each other as often...change of circumstances and all....but, I guess I didn't see it going warm to cold turkey....from flaming roasted...lol....and it's not about sex...but about the intensity....I mean, we could talk about lots of things...and it would keep me hooked and not have any physical content...in fact alot more of the conversations were about feelings and emotions than anything else...hypotheticals...and just fun stuff....
Yes, there were some tough moments....but they really didn't put a dent on just how fantastic it all felt....
The countdown to meet away from everything....lol...I was soooo excited and scared...and excited....and scared...lol....that I couldn't believe myself when I saw him walk out of the gate at the airport....and everything up until then....had been so perfect....even with the ups and downs and all arounds....we just fell right back into our little comfort zone...of being in each others arms....like time hadn't passed at all...like we had been doing it forever....lol...sappy, but true...
That first kiss....and it all came back to me....his yummy lips....the sensation of his tongue....dancing inside my mouth....his closeness....his smell....how his skin felt under my fingers...and I was transported all over again....to hold his hand again...to run my fingers all over him....
to be able to look at him for as long as I want....and to see him look back at me....and to feel him....all around me...inside of me.....wow....
Major wow....lol....
The conversations....and the comfortable silences...like we had been together before....the outtings....the new places...the experiences....I could have done it all on my own...but what made it so special was that it was him....this person that I could trust with my life....that made me feel safe...and cared for....smiles...he was so excited to be there...I could see it...and feel it....he'd look over at me....often....kiss my hands...my forehead...I was floating on air....and so was he....
This has to be the corniest blog ever....but, it's all of those moments that have kept me around....even when I wonder why....and his patience with me...his understanding....
The big kisses over the phone....the chickiepoohs...and the sweeties....I had lots to smile about back then...
I felt like a teenager...high up there....
It's been awhile since most of that....life...and distance....sometimes get in the way....and I should probably be stronger....but I do miss it...how can I not? I felt alive...
I guess I thought it would be that way.....and that it would grow and grow...but you really can't expect a tree...if you plant seeds in a box....
We do keep in touch....but, it's not what it used to be....and that frustration makes it worse...because I argue more than I try to get closer to him....
I guess I thought....that we'd always be as motivated and drawn to each other....and when we see each other we probably will be....it's the time in between....that I don't quite understand how to handle...
Sighs....maybe we're dragging it out longer than it was meant to be?
When was the last time he told me....what I mean to him?
Why should it be implied?
When was the last time we goofed around and talked about hypotheticals...places we'd want to be...things we'd want to do....just for fun?
We wouldn't be able to end a conversation on a sour note....now, we've hung up on each other....on ocassion...
He would surprise me....when was the last time of that?
And it all happens at work...so, not really a mood setter....lol....
When was the last time he told me that he wanted to be with me?
Asides from yesterday....and in general....I mean, it doesn't really come up as much....
But we've also been through some ups and downs with my lack of decision and of a clue...and he was away...and then back...and now it's the weekend...
Maybe I'm just being a pain in the ass?
His day trip....couldn't call me, at all? It feels ridiculous to even ask that...but thinking about the beginning of things....we would have tried to communicate any way....at night? he was alone...I'm here alone late...he still had the card, I suppose....
Don't know....maybe I think of those things and he doesn't....but if I was away...alone...I know that I would want to talk to him...and would try....
And now this whole blog/email thing....I guess it's just another something that was impossible for him to do...
The whole other woman thing, has room for alot of that I guess....but, doesn't mean I can't have any feelings about it....
He is important to me....so, little things like that mean something to me...
He's so far away....what does he want out of this?
Why does he shut down on me?
I guess I just thought things would be different....more romantic...passionate...and less....flat lined...on hold almost...waiting until next time....we'll see what happens....only time will tell....
Our conversations don't sound like two people passionate about each other....more like good friends catching up....
Maybe that's all there is right now....
Maybe I need to focus elsewhere...and just let this play out the way it will...
Maybe he thinks just talking every day is romantic...I sure know how to pick them...lol...or maybe he doesn't feel that this needs to have romance....that I can be taken for granted....I'm here...not going anywhere...why try anything to keep it interesting?
Or maybe as I said before...I'm just being a needy, overbearing pain in the rear end...
But seriously....if someone is going to have an affair...and that's just my opinion...it's to feel what you don't in the other relationship...or maybe enhance what you already do...but in any event there's supposed to be some gain....something that you get that you didn't have before...because if not...then why do it at all? I have enough blah here....lol....why would I want more?
Maybe his gain is the whole sexual experimentation I'm going through? And that's what keeps him around? I'm the girl abroad that will try new things...and that's his gain? Well...even if that's the case...he might want to keep me interested...and around...lol...
Maybe I want more than he can give....communication wise...but I've seen it before....guess it was a beginners...get her hooked kinda thing...and it wears off...once she's already hooked...lol...
Maybe I messed it all up by doubting so damn much...and he's in his little cave and not coming out anytime soon until we meet again...
But he was the one who said that the emotional connection was needed...that he wasn't comfy just talking about lunch...but...what else are we talking about these days..really?
Maybe I'm not being too productive at all right now....
But, I do feel better....not down anymore....a little stronger...
Catching a cold though, I think....had some rain fall on me....
Headache....sore throat....and almost no voice...lol....so, I'm going to curl up in bed...and dream about him a little to remember the good ole days...lol...and not be upset by Monday...please let me not be upset...
Becca signing off....and hoping for brighter days...