What do I want Part Two...

I'm really interested in finding out what it is that I want...and by just putting down the random thoughts...I think I might actually learn something about myself...an experiment! Sounds like fun...
I want to eat and not put on any weight...lol....I want to have a firm and toned body and not have to exercise...lol....ok, back to the real world...
I want to see the best in people more often...
I want to trust more...
I want to get some rest....
I want to be swept off my feet...
I want to be appreciated...
I want to be understood...
I want to be valued...
I want to.....be hugged...and kissed....
I want to be made love to....gently...passionately....madly....as if I were the only woman alive...lol....yeah, dreaming a bit on that one too...
I want to listen to music.....let it carry me away....day dream....
I want to keep it together...always...
I want to be wanted...
I want to see him....
I want to stop missing him....
I want to not whine about it....
I want to feel alive....
I want the rush....the adrenaline....
I want to explore myself....people....places....
I want to enjoy life....
I want to take myself less seriously....
I want to have a year round tan...lol
I want my wrinkles and grays not to show....lol
I want to be desired....
I want to make someone feel....
I want to talk to people....get to know them....some anyway....
I want to figure myself out one day....
I want an interesting life.....one that I'll be sad to let go of...when the time comes...
I want to look back at my life and know that I did all that I wanted....lived to the fullest...no regrets....
I want to tell people how I feel...without going in circles...
I want to cry and not feel weak....or defeated...or get a migraine afterwards...lol
I want to get over my hang ups....and fears...
I want to be daring....
I want to love someone so much it hurts...with everything that I am....
I want to feel passionately about someone...
I want to have many romantic moments in my life...
I want to let myself go enough to enjoy them....
I want to be less mean....and more tender....and sweet....
I want not to be ashamed of what I feel....
I want to be vulnerable and not get hurt....
I want to connect with someone...so deeply...that when we make love...we're like one....
lol....that was sooooooooo sappy....
but I'd like that, one day....
I want to see someone's soul through their eyes.....and breathe it in....through their kiss....
lol....yeah, writing fiction here now, I see....
but I'd like that too....one day....even if it's just once....briefly....but with everything that I am....a moment that just takes me away....
I want to be dreamed about....
I want to be thought about....
I want to be told how much I mean to someone....as many times as I can...
I want to feel a gentle touch....on my skin....
and some not so gentle ones too...lol
I want to get everything that I have bottled up inside......out....
I want to live like there's no tomorrow...
I want to do whatever I want...lol
I want to do something important....meaningful with my life....
I want to not want silly things....lol
I want to feel safe...wherever I am....not afraid...
I want to be rid of my own mental obstacles....to try new things....
I want to not depend on anyone...do my own thing....
I want to own my emotions...not care what anyone thinks about them...
I want to get rid of my preconceptions about what should or should not be....
I want to sing....lots....
I want to help people....however I can....
lol I've realized that all my wants are very general...and I can't seem to put down the things that I want....that are maybe a little more personal....
Probably because they fall under the silly category....
Nah....I think I put down some pretty personal ones....hmmm....
Ok, let's be more specific....what do I want out of what???
Out of work....I want to grow professionally....improve my income and position....take on additional responsabilities....learn alot.....teach alot....and just interact with as many interesting people as I can....
Out of motherhood....I want to do a good job...raise my kids as best I can...with the least amount of trauma....and see them live healthy and happy lives....that's all one could hope for....
Out of life...I want to live it...lol....every day a little more....diving in a little deeper each time...until I've sucked all the juices out of it....
Out of my group of friends...I want to count on their support and company to share the good times and get through the bad times...and have fun everywhere in between....
I want to have fun! Yeah...that's a must....
Out of my marriage.....lol....yep had to go there....I want....it feels like I've almost stopped wanting much...which is probably true more like taking it a day at a time....but if I had my way....I'd want him to spend more time with me....be as interested in things as I am....have the initiative of being spontaneous....surprise me....know me enough to know what will knock my socks off....lol....take the time to know me....really.....I'd want it to be a true, open and honest partnership....he'd have to be my best friend....ok, but it's not about A marriage...it's about mine....hmmmm let's see...I want us to keep working at it.....getting closer...accepting each other more.....I want to keep trying....to make it what I'd like it to be....
Out of ...that other thing....I want alot of things....actually just paused and smiled...because it seemed like thoughts were going to start pouring....but....basically....I want it to mean something...I guess is the best way to put it....
I want to enjoy it....I want it to last....I want to meet maybe more often...
I want it to make me feel good....I want it to be a release....I want to keep learning about myself through it....I want it to be important....
Sappy Becca....not even writing those thoughts down....sheesh! Pathetic...
Let's leave it at that...pretty simple stuff really....I just want it...period.
Maybe some other day I'll cut the crap and actually elaborate on it...but it's not the right time....not really too much to elaborate on....
He tried today....I know it's not easy for him....but it's like pulling teeth sometimes....challenging....not sure it's the way it's supposed to be but...it is what it is.....and I feel bad for pushing him....I shouldn't...it's not my place....but, if I don't...I feel like something is missing....
It's hard though...at work...with so much going on....to try to maintain something....over the phone....I'm more of an optimist than I give myself credit for...lol....but we try....it's all we can do...really....
I want....for it to not be as complicated...but it is......
I want to handle it better.....working on it....
I want to not sweat the small stuff....but I get uncomfy easily....
Can't see his eyes....his gestures......to make me feel at ease.....
Ok, this thought process is totally sidetracked from the initial purpose of this whole blog....
That's all I have in the want department for now...I think....
Aren't affairs supposed to be about the excitement...the rush?....
Maybe I have the wrong idea....or maybe I shouldn't have any ideas at all....but it really doesn't quite fit....what I would have thought it would be....dunno....more passion maybe? I mean seriously...anyone can sit and talk about lunch and weekend plans...without being involved....or maybe involved superficially....
Sometimes it is kind of blah.....but, maybe that's the only way it can be....lol....trying to convince myself....
It could be better....
It used to be....
Now it's ok.....nothing to really write a book about....
I try to think about how it is when we're together...it helps....and I understand that I can't compare it to now....so much time since last time...and nothing really concrete to look forward to....
Alot more time before...alot more of everything....
Maybe I'm not doing much to help? Do I hold back and not tell him enough of what's on my mind? I'm not really always in lovey dovey mode....and probably should be....maybe that would help....maybe I need to take the lead....maybe it'll never be the same until we do see each other....maybe it's just not meant to be carried on as a romantic relationship while we're apart...and then act on things when we see each other....dunno, just seems odd...unnatural.....
He's trying though....maybe even more than I know....so maybe I should just take a chill pill...and relax...lol
I guess...to the initial topic....I wanted...to vent a little...lol
Nuff for now....heading out to dinner...tomorrow's another day....