Finally Friday....

I think it's hilarious that I feel exhausted exactly by the time I make these posts...and today, it's not even evening yet. I made my way home early to get some rest, but realized that I'll be out tonight...and wanted to write, so here I am....addicting, eh?
While I stretch and yawn...I'll attempt to recreate what's on my mind....
Interestingly enough...there's much there these days...nothing too deep anyhow...met with a team at work, gave a pretty good pep talk, according to the bathroom reviews that I later heard about...lol It's always a great thing to make a positive mark on someone...and I've been so busy thinking about myself lately that I hadn't been able to do that...was nice.
We talked about integrity....ethics....was hard not to pause for a minute and wonder if I'm not a fake when it comes to that....but, that though was short lived, and I made my way towards more inspirational messages...my personal life is noone's business...and that's that. Besides....as far as practicality and true real life goes....I'm not really acting on anything right now...or at least that's what I tell myself...for it to be OK...and so it is...
I wonder what it will be like next week...picking up where we left off....it almost seems like it's been a very long time...did it ever really happen? Does it cross his mind at all? Probably not productive thinking here right now...but right this minute...I wonder...
The sad feeling I had yesterday is gone though....and I'm pretty impressed at my strength....slept all night every night....and have kept total control of my thoughts...that's the key...no wandering...and the only wondering is here right now...not too bad...
There's plenty to focus on at work...and that's exactly what I'll keep doing...I can still make it better...and develop more people...that's what's most fun of it all....
Ouch...something bit my foot...it itches like crazy...probably an ant....pouts...
There's a certain kind of itch, that hurts so much that it's almost great...lol, can't describe it...but it feels that way now....yeah, weird..I know...lol But then...as all great feeling things...you itch it too much...and it starts to really hurt in an uncomfy way....
Too much of anything can be bad...too little too....it's all about balance...
Sounds simple, but it's tricky....to keep things balanced...
work and home....feelings and thoughts....emotions and rationale....
Time between the three kids....between the kids and him....between him and him...lol...thoughts anyway....gosh I think too much.
I get a kick out of myself sometimes...and how my mind works....unique indeed....but...getting better....I think....lol
My daughter is dancing here...anything to get my attention....I'll be completely hers...theirs...on the weekend....will drop everything to give them all of my time, hugs, thoughts....well....maybe most of my thoughts...they soothe me, the children...most of the time anyway....when they're not driving me nuts!
More stretching....I'm tired...need a nap before dinner at the in laws house...
Lots of positive energy at work...I need to invest more into it at home....make it more relaxed...the kids are anxious...I can understand why....but, not really available to deal with it....I've learned that that's ok...and there's time to take care of it all...doesn't need to be resolved today....won't drive myself crazy trying to figure my whole life out today...so....I turn a blind eye on some things....think about how to improve it...and when I'm ready....come back to the drawing board to plan it out....parenting is no different...it's a full time job...for the rest of my life....love it...love them...but omg...lol.
I was obviously not thinking when I decided to have THREE...lol. But, they're here...they're mine....and I'll figure it all out eventually without messing them up too bad, I hope.
So, I realized I've grown thicker skin at work...but I can still be a wimp...lol...darn emotions....I wish I could just give them all away...what a pain in the ass...seriously. And it switches on, without notice....and the things that I can usually deal with in a cold, controlled manner....get all complicated....and I try to argue a point...get all teary eyed...grrrrr....hate it! This week I was a little oversensitive...especially yesterday...and being passionate about my job....doesn't help....I feel stuck, but oh well....in time, I hope...it'll work out....has to.
Why do I always want more? What an annoying trait...lol. Having a brain can so be a burden sometimes....
Yawns....this is good...I'm writing myself to sleep....with the honking cars of the main road in the background...what a noisy city on a Friday afternoon....and I'm up on the eleventh...imagine if I was downstairs...
My daughter is picking her clothes...out of my closet...they fit! Why does that make me want to cry? I should be happy that they're growing up....I can look forward to living the rest of my life....but, it actually saddens me...life is happening too fast...and I'm not sure I've lived it the way I want to....and there I go with the wanting more again thing...
It's not even about any guy....thank heavens...but moreso about me...my freedom....what's that? lol. Since I can remember I'm dancing to someone else's beat...yeah yeah, poor me...NOT. Seriously though....many years wasted....a shame....
And now....what is it that I'm missing? Nothing....and everything...lmao.
How's that for irony?.....I wish I could be more independant...pick up and leave as I please....have a more interesting life...doesn't everyone?
Geeze...I'm in a depressing mood here....getting down just by reading my thoughts...wow....
Just cranky and tired, I guess....and a bit angry today...second weekend coming up....not sure I really hope he's having fun....lol, how pathetic...
I wish I could just forget about it altogether....really....right now....kinda sucks...
The visit stirred alot up, I hate to say....
Made me miss alot....think alot.....long for alot....same places....different players....very bittersweet....
And they come and go....and I'm here....always here...lol....crappy...
Oh well....this too shall pass, as they say....
Feels like a waste of energy....
I feel stupid actually....thinking about a man that is out honeymooning with his wife....what a gem of a young lady I've become...
Stupid mind...and stupid thoughts....and stupid me....
Frustrating day here....hate feeling that someone else can have this kind of impact over me....not like he's the last soda in the desert either...I mean, really...
I wonder what this really is....not love....a friendship with deep feelings? infatuation? lust? all of the above?...perhaps...but not love...
I can't believe I'm actually writing about this today...pretty silly...but leaving it here...so I can come back one day, read it...and smack myself for being such an idiot...
I was feeling so good about it all...what changed? Maybe getting impatient and frustrated with the days....or maybe it's because I have some time on my hands and just want to bitch...lol
I was fine the whole damn week....and will be great tomorrow...and the days after that I know...but what today????
I think he had something to do with that woman...that's it...
So distrusting Becca....
Maybe it was all the talk about the men and their run arounds while they're here...I hate to think of myself as another travel fling...
I mean....I know...I think I know that's not the case...but...how do I know...really? We've just barely known each other....it could be...anything....
She never really talked about him much...almost avoided it...I wonder...
stressed on how he calls her...like I care....
Ok, this isn't productive....and I'm making myself upset....and nothing is going on....everything is as was a few days ago...at least for me...
Has he thought of me? It almost hurts to think that he might not have...
that he's gotten so caught up in his days...and relaxing time...and her company...that he's forgotten about me....
God that sounds so desperately pathetic....I could cry....a bad day for me today...ok...I can have one of those...in these few weeks....makes me human I guess....lol the end of the world....
I mean...if I've thought about him...in the midst of everything going on here...he would have...right? Why does that scare me? That I might not be as important to him...as he is to me....
Sighs....let's not go down that road again....
My insecurities will drive me nuts....lol. Why today though? It had to be the visit...darn visit....
I have some nerve really...having any opinion or thought about his trip...it's none of my business...has nothing to do with me....doesn't affect me...and that's that...end of story....many more days of sun and fun, I wish him...so there...
I find it hilarious that it took me so long to rant about him....it's good actually that it did....
A whole week...pretty good...I should try holding my breath under water too...lmao....nah, it's not been that challenging...just seems that way today....probably a full moon...hormones...exhaustion...and utter sillyness....
Shhhhhhh.....zoning out...and going to a happier place....yes, I need to start planning the disneyworld trip...will meet my sister there....nice....
Get the darn apartment ready and move the heck into it....
Put together some interesting games for the crew at work....and follow up on their quarterlys...
Wait and see how the trip went over....from the other sides....
Such cultural differences in work styles....competitive women....have to watch my back....what a pain to work like that...oh well...I'll do what I have to....
Lunch was great...chipotle hamburger....
Oh...thyroid tests tomorrow...finally....been putting it off...sighs...hate that stuff....
Have felt better, only one episode...and I think it was what I ate...so the doctor might be right about the tummy thing....
Yawns....I need a hug....maybe that's all....hubby's been working late too....not too much there...I'm tired, he's tired....so we sleep....I need to make an effort and cuddle...before falling asleep...I mean, it's not an effort....but I'm so tired sometimes that I don't even get around to it....
He's been amazing though....hope I don't jinx it by saying so.....I actually enjoy the marriage these days....when I'm not cranky and tired...
Pains me to deceive him sometimes....to even think about anything else...
but, it almost feels like I have to....to really enjoy my life completely...don't know how that can make any sense...but it does to me..
Noone knows what I need more than me....and the extremes I've gone to...to ensure that I do fulfill at least alot of the emotional voids in me....
Some others too...not bad at all....
We've gotten closer though...I've opened up, I think....so it's actually helped...so as long as I don't confuse one thing with the other...I'm fine...
This...is my life...where I belong....
The rest....is nice....and not to be thought about in terms of longevity...or much anything at all...just to be enjoyed when possible....and then let go of...until the next time....
No romantic...lovey dovey....crap....there's no room for that in this arrangement....
Friends....of a unique kind...that share things that some don't....
No strings...
No future to be discussed....
Today....and whenever...here...or wherever...
Yeah...I think I nailed it this time....
It's Friday...finally....