End of Month....

So all in all, the month turned out ok...better than expected....work running smoothly....now...until I start stirring things up as of tomorrow...I think I'm back...and want to get things up to speed again...way too much break time...people not doing what they're supposed to when they're supposed to....back to managing the queue myself....and taking control, over what little I can....lol....
Back to people complaining that I'm too strict...yay! Vacation is over...I'm back!
Ok, who am I kidding?...lol...sounded nice though..
Son is at a sleep over...middle daughter too....and the baby is dozing off here on my bed....the bickering hasn't gotten better...I don't know what it is that makes them argue so much....I feel helpless at times....and too tired to get aggravated every single day...so hands are up in the air today....sighs....
My hands are up in the air on alot of things these days....that whole serenity prayer comes up....how was it? grant me the strength to change what I can....accept what I cannot...and the wisdom to know the difference...I think....lol....how about me and praying? I do...on ocassion...but it's more of a self pep talk than anything else and a way to keep myself sane....not sure it's working...lol
I do bitch alot about myself...my life...and I have a pretty good one....that's not right....I should be more thankful and appreciative of what I do have....and enjoy more....like I read somewhere...it's not about getting what you want...but wanting what you have....sounds so simple...buy boy can it be tricky sometimes...
This house is a mess...and...my hands are up in the air...lol....I think today I've come to the sad realization that a housewife...I am...NOT.
This chore thing day in and day out....is awful....so, I'll do my best to tidy up before he gets home....but that's about it.....plus with this whole digestion thing...I start feeling icky when I bend over to pick things up often....yep, I'm my grandmother...
Who knew a group of people could use so many towels??? My god....anyone heard of hanging them out to dry???? and not pulling new ones out every five minutes? And all the clothes these kids pull out before they choose what they'll wear.....lmao...but I do that too sometimes....darn genes....
I used to be such a messy kid myself.....would play with my aunt's clothes and leave them all out...no wonder my grandmother always wanted to kill me....
Favorite food....rice and ketchup....lol...and would dance by myself for hours.....troubled child...lol
I kept myself entertained....thank goodness my kids actually like people....cause I never did...lol....enjoy them alot more these days....
Amazing to think that those years are long gone.....and that I survived!
It wasn't that bad though....especially considering I was a difficult child...something that I'm realizing alot more these days dealing with my little angels....
Dance lessons...piano....tutoring...I was pretty spoiled...trips to the US 2 times a year....my aunt really gave me alot....but was running low on the affection department....we weren't really a good match...but I know she meant well....a kid that's not yours...she's not married...I'm probably a brat....not a match made in heaven....and my grandma...well, that's a story on it's own....the women does not know how to smile...never did...so hugs and kisses weren't big in that house....
It's a good thing that they are here now....and that I didn't become a sour person....I'm actually pretty touchy feely considering....
Probably even too much sometimes...
Hubby was actually the best thing that happened to me back then....so much patience....lol....a true saint....my home was a hectic and loud as one can be....so much stress....and tension....it's a wonder he kept coming back...they'd shoo him away at 10 pm...literally tell him visit time was over....lol....he was 21! It's interesting what attracts people....
So back to my kids and their mess....and their attitudes....strong genes...what a curse....hopefully they'll turn out ok....yeah, I think they will....
Hubby's cranky...can sense it in his voice...uh oh...can't blame him though...he's probably just tired....just hope there's no clash of the titans...he's upset because I've not gone to pick up his pants at the dry cleaners....why haven't I? I was getting good at tending to his needs...lol...oh well, tomorrow maybe...I'm just lazy I guess....plus what's the big deal about a pair of pants? I'm a piece of work....so much that I make myself laugh...all about me...if it were my pants I'd have thrown a fit! Which is probably what he's going to do today...LOL...Have to cut him some slack...dealing with me for almost 20 years....the man has to be tired....
Why am I so self centered? Because I can? LOL...
Seriously though...I bet I'd be happier if I wasn't so self absorbed...would focus less on my crap and would spend more of it trying to make others people's lives better....but how?
Hands up in the air again here....even I get tired of trying to figure things out....
I should get myself back to chore land...whoopie!!!

My new best friend....

Is this blog...lol. I just read through some of my entries and realized that I would probably never get all of those thoughts out during a conversation...I'd hint...tip toe....but not put things out there like that...
I like it...it's liberating...and I'm not even writing every single litte thought...there is some...that I keep to myself...but it's so much better than how I communicate sometimes....I get stuck....blocked...go in circles...and bring every one along for the ride....sucks...
Kids are getting ready so we can all go out....I'll spend the day with my son....we need some time together...alone...without the stress of the little ones....thinking about going to the movies...and just hanging out....
Feeling a little better....house is all cleaned up....clothes and towels are warm and fluffy...lunch was good....didn't feel like cooking though so we had some delivered....not bad...can't do everything...lol...
Hubby is in sweet mode....makes the beginning of the days...and end of the nights something to look forward to....still really helpful around the house....we're in a good place....I'm still checking on a place to go for the days he's taking off....that place in El Valle sounds nice...but I like the one in Boquete better...the only issue with that is the 6 hour drive...not sure I want to be so far from the kids...lol...yeah yeah....
He's excited about it...we looked online last night....now he just needs to confirm the dates and we're set....should be nice...it's a good time for it...and he needs the rest....and pampering...the place has an awesome spa...and all kinds of pampering packages....yay! I'm psyched already...
Hope the kids don't hurt each other while we're gone...or that my aunt doesn't have a fit dealing with them for more than a day....
If it's still raining....it'll be nice....the weather is cooler than in the city....probably freezing for me...but lots of flowers and trees.....very very nice and relaxing place...food is supposed to be good too....funny that they describe it as mediterranean....on the website...lol, not even elaborating on that....as long as I don't see a falafel or something out there...I'm good...LOL.
The rooms look heavenly...the jacuzzi is almost next to the bed...lol...woohoo! Yeah, and now watch him book for the days I have my period....LOL....that would be just my luck....but...will stay positive...
This writing thing is really the bomb....I went from down and shitty to positive and well...in a matter of hours....maybe that whole book thing isn't such a bad idea....when I learn to really write...lol....
The sky is gray...not the way I'd prefer it...but I guess the rain is needed....hope not to get rained on again....couldn't stand a major cold right now....
Will have to bundle up to go out today...lol...in a tropical country but this to me...is as winterish as I'll have..yuck!
Speaking of winter....just remembered that I need to book that disney trip soon to let my sister know of the dates....arrrgghhh...will get on that on Monday...
My car is ready! Yay...it's gone to finishing school...to have an extreme make over...and extreme indeed with what it cost me...lol
Will have to keep it impecable so that I change the darn thing in a year or two...not now....that mortgage is going to hit me way too hard...lol
Oh..the new place....yep, I'll go tile hunting this afternoon with my son too....need to get that wrapped up and moved into the new place asap...
Why am I stalling??? Hmmm....because I'm going to have to deal with all of it alone probably? lol...yep....it's funny that I have to do alot of that...
maybe that's why I'm whacky...too young and too much crap to deal with...
It's all good though...not whining about a new place...and not afraid of work...but would be nice to do it with someone's support....and company...sighs...not happening any time soon...maybe when I get old...hubby will be around more...lol...will I want that? Doomed if you do...or if you don't....not even sure I want to be married when I'm old...
I see myself as being the cool and nutty grandma that lives in a house out by the beach...by herself...and all the grandkids love to visit...but the kids don't understand...lol....
I see myself as a young granny that can still turn heads...that has gotten better and more interesting with age...and has the younger guys after her...lol what a novel....yeah, because as men...probably by then...I won't like the guys my age or older...and will look at the fresh meat...LOL...I sound like a guy...ewwwww....
Or...with a girlfriend...once I accept that men are just too simple of creatures to keep me entertained...LOL....hey, anything can happen...
But I would soooo not want to deal with any more hormones than my own...heavens forbid....strike that thought!
But there's a loooong ways for any of that....the beach house isn't in sight...oh and I forgot the mention thhe cruises.....lol....and nights out...
I hope to live long enough....even though by the time I claim my freedom I'll be too wrinkled for anyone to care...
Maybe I'll find a wrinkle fetish guy....LOLOLOL....
That would be hilarious...to finally find a man that worships the ground I walk on...and he's with me for the wrinkles...LOL...
Yep....I'm a romantic....hadn't really admitted it....but reading myself it's obvious and probably why I get frustrated....no romance in this life...and I'm soooo young....
Well....it's not over....
Hope is the last to go....
Much better day already....over and out....

What I thought it would be....

Hopefully this will help me understand.....why I'm running low on motivation these days....regarding that other thing...
In the beginning....his presence was uplifting....the bantering...the flirting...there was enough energy there to light up a whole country...lol...
The sexual tension was pretty intense....being in the same room/office with him would get me all flustered....had to drink water by the gallons ...lol....there was something there....but, I never really lost sleep over it....was great when he was around...and didn't really think about it...while he was gone....
But it was enjoyable....I had a great time...even talking business....his voice....his charisma....and his very charming way of getting his points across was attractive....the way he smelled....the way he looked....the way he carried himself....had me interested to see what he would do next...say next....wear next...lol....
Just writing about it...makes me smile....
His sense of humor....witty personality....and sometimes vulnerability...very unlike most male macho types...although very much a typical male at times...lol....captivated me...
Everything from the way he could enjoy a meal....lol yeah, pretty silly but I think it was his passion that was evident in everything he did...
All that was fun to watch....and enjoy...we got along really well....he challenged me...like very few....and sparked a curiousity that I didn't even know that I had....
But nothing...could have prepared me for what I was going to feel....once I walked through that door....
I can still remember his big smile....and his surprised look to see me....walking into his room....crossing a line that I didn't think I'd really be capable of....until I did...
I was so drawn to him that....I left most of my hang ups at the door....
and just let go as much as I could at the time....for him to guide me to....that new place that I wanted to be....
Pausing here and playing the tape back.....with a big smile....he was so sweet...and understanding....laughed as I did....of how shocking it all was....these two people that up until then had only maybe thought about being there...together...were actually there....touching each other....kissing each other....and laughing together....it felt so right, that it was scary....I was so comfy....in his arms....
From that moment on....there was very little else I could think of....and nothing really happened! But everything did!
And we would talk....about ourselves....looking forward to the next time....getting to know each other....we wanted to spend every available minute connected....talking....giggling....telling stories....it was amazing...and then we met again....and I became someone that I didn't know existed....I felt as if I didn't have a care in the world...and all I wanted was to be there...with him....and we had sooooo much fun....
It was good....beyond good....it was fantastic....lol....heck I don't know of any words that can really describe what it was....
I wasn't too shy....I let myself go....somewhat...lol...and I just loved every second I was with him....
After that, we also spent almost every available moment talking....and talking some more....yes, with the ocassional argument...but who wants to talk about those....I'm just trying to remember how it all started and why I'm still here....
The questions.....and digging deeper and deeper....and the level of connection, the intensity of it all...I couldn't wait...to talk to him again....3, 4 times a day...lol...imagining all kinds of scenarios, things that we wanted to do....place we wanted to be....I felt so fulfilled....and motivated....and wanted...and desired....and interested in getting to know this man that had opened up everything that I had bottled up inside forever and ever....I was having the time of my life....hadn't been so thrilled about something....and had so many reasons to walk around smiling...than I had then....
I had found my partner in crime....a true friend of the very very rare kind....the one that you can say anything to....your deepest darkest desires...secrets...and whacky thoughts and he wouldn't judge....but would be interested in anything I had to say....lol...who knew???
The one that you can count on for adventure...but with a caring enough heart to make you feel special...
It sounds sooooooo corny...but it made me soooooooo happy...
I felt like there wasn't anything I couldn't do...
The months were just flying by and I just couldn't get enough of him...I couldn't close my eyes for one second and not see him...and me...and lots of smiles....
I thought we would keep that up...and yes, maybe not see each other as often...change of circumstances and all....but, I guess I didn't see it going warm to cold turkey....from flaming roasted...lol....and it's not about sex...but about the intensity....I mean, we could talk about lots of things...and it would keep me hooked and not have any physical content...in fact alot more of the conversations were about feelings and emotions than anything else...hypotheticals...and just fun stuff....
Yes, there were some tough moments....but they really didn't put a dent on just how fantastic it all felt....
The countdown to meet away from everything....lol...I was soooo excited and scared...and excited....and scared...lol....that I couldn't believe myself when I saw him walk out of the gate at the airport....and everything up until then....had been so perfect....even with the ups and downs and all arounds....we just fell right back into our little comfort zone...of being in each others arms....like time hadn't passed at all...like we had been doing it forever....lol...sappy, but true...
That first kiss....and it all came back to me....his yummy lips....the sensation of his tongue....dancing inside my mouth....his closeness....his smell....how his skin felt under my fingers...and I was transported all over again....to hold his hand again...to run my fingers all over him....
to be able to look at him for as long as I want....and to see him look back at me....and to feel him....all around me...inside of me.....wow....
Major wow....lol....
The conversations....and the comfortable silences...like we had been together before....the outtings....the new places...the experiences....I could have done it all on my own...but what made it so special was that it was him....this person that I could trust with my life....that made me feel safe...and cared for....smiles...he was so excited to be there...I could see it...and feel it....he'd look over at me....often....kiss my hands...my forehead...I was floating on air....and so was he....
This has to be the corniest blog ever....but, it's all of those moments that have kept me around....even when I wonder why....and his patience with me...his understanding....
The big kisses over the phone....the chickiepoohs...and the sweeties....I had lots to smile about back then...
I felt like a teenager...high up there....
It's been awhile since most of that....life...and distance....sometimes get in the way....and I should probably be stronger....but I do miss it...how can I not? I felt alive...
I guess I thought it would be that way.....and that it would grow and grow...but you really can't expect a tree...if you plant seeds in a box....
We do keep in touch....but, it's not what it used to be....and that frustration makes it worse...because I argue more than I try to get closer to him....
I guess I thought....that we'd always be as motivated and drawn to each other....and when we see each other we probably will be....it's the time in between....that I don't quite understand how to handle...
Sighs....maybe we're dragging it out longer than it was meant to be?
When was the last time he told me....what I mean to him?
Why should it be implied?
When was the last time we goofed around and talked about hypotheticals...places we'd want to be...things we'd want to do....just for fun?
We wouldn't be able to end a conversation on a sour note....now, we've hung up on each other....on ocassion...
He would surprise me....when was the last time of that?
And it all happens at work...so, not really a mood setter....lol....
When was the last time he told me that he wanted to be with me?
Asides from yesterday....and in general....I mean, it doesn't really come up as much....
But we've also been through some ups and downs with my lack of decision and of a clue...and he was away...and then back...and now it's the weekend...
Maybe I'm just being a pain in the ass?
His day trip....couldn't call me, at all? It feels ridiculous to even ask that...but thinking about the beginning of things....we would have tried to communicate any way....at night? he was alone...I'm here alone late...he still had the card, I suppose....
Don't know....maybe I think of those things and he doesn't....but if I was away...alone...I know that I would want to talk to him...and would try....
And now this whole blog/email thing....I guess it's just another something that was impossible for him to do...
The whole other woman thing, has room for alot of that I guess....but, doesn't mean I can't have any feelings about it....
He is important to me....so, little things like that mean something to me...
He's so far away....what does he want out of this?
Why does he shut down on me?
I guess I just thought things would be different....more romantic...passionate...and less....flat lined...on hold almost...waiting until next time....we'll see what happens....only time will tell....
Our conversations don't sound like two people passionate about each other....more like good friends catching up....
Maybe that's all there is right now....
Maybe I need to focus elsewhere...and just let this play out the way it will...
Maybe he thinks just talking every day is romantic...I sure know how to pick them...lol...or maybe he doesn't feel that this needs to have romance....that I can be taken for granted....I'm here...not going anywhere...why try anything to keep it interesting?
Or maybe as I said before...I'm just being a needy, overbearing pain in the rear end...
But seriously....if someone is going to have an affair...and that's just my opinion...it's to feel what you don't in the other relationship...or maybe enhance what you already do...but in any event there's supposed to be some gain....something that you get that you didn't have before...because if not...then why do it at all? I have enough blah here....lol....why would I want more?
Maybe his gain is the whole sexual experimentation I'm going through? And that's what keeps him around? I'm the girl abroad that will try new things...and that's his gain? Well...even if that's the case...he might want to keep me interested...and around...lol...
Maybe I want more than he can give....communication wise...but I've seen it before....guess it was a beginners...get her hooked kinda thing...and it wears off...once she's already hooked...lol...
Maybe I messed it all up by doubting so damn much...and he's in his little cave and not coming out anytime soon until we meet again...
But he was the one who said that the emotional connection was needed...that he wasn't comfy just talking about lunch...but...what else are we talking about these days..really?
Maybe I'm not being too productive at all right now....
But, I do feel better....not down anymore....a little stronger...
Catching a cold though, I think....had some rain fall on me....
Headache....sore throat....and almost no voice...lol....so, I'm going to curl up in bed...and dream about him a little to remember the good ole days...lol...and not be upset by Monday...please let me not be upset...
Becca signing off....and hoping for brighter days...

So, it's the weekend again....

That's not really what I feel like writing about.....but, I'm not going to waste good blog space on what I'm thinking right now....it just gets harder to give people the benefit of the doubt sometimes....
But....I'm maxed out....I'm sure I'll hear about the great reasons behind the email that I never received....couldn't access his inbox....pc was broken....no connection....lol....
Or maybe....he just fell asleep....the truth is...he hasn't gotten much rest since he got back...from what I can gather...yeah, that's probably it....
Anyway, he's actually doing me a favor without knowing it....the little things....are what make something meaningful....without them...I think I'll stop there....
I guess I'm upset because after yesterday's argument...I thought he understood that those little simple signs of affection were something that I need right now...to have a reason to hang on....there's not many reasons really...and I need all I can get....to keep going.....
So, was looking forward to his email....couldn't wait for hubby to leave...lol...the irony....for nothing....
I guess it's symbolic.....never ignore what's real....for something that's not quite defined...lol....
A good thing I didn't want to waste blog space...lol....but, it's probably healthier to just let it out and move on....
Didn't really expect to not have anything from him.....one part of me believes there's a good reason...but the other....is dissapointed....
and the latter is a tad stronger right now....
I was actually excited to see what he had to say.....expectations....are the downfall of positive thoughts...lol....
So, the start of the day is shitty.....what a shame.....but have to leave soon and focus on the real life here.... it'll pass....I will learn eventually....to not look forward to much...and enjoy what I get....
I even checked if there were comments on the blog...lol...so that I wasn't rushing to conclusions....nada....
Oh well...one shouldn't wait for anyone to validate one's thoughts....or silly blogs for that matter....lol....
Again...I wonder....why do I invest, spend...waste...whatever it is...time thinking about this....it's stupid....
I give too much meaning to things....hope to grow out of it soon....
Anyway....I'll probably be back....and rant on somemore....get it out of my system....does he want me to hate him? Hmmm...that thought just popped into my mind....maybe he's not too enthused about this either...and is doing what he can to drive me away? Doesn't really make too much sense if you really think about it...but...who knows? Anything is possible...I guess...
I actually checked mail again...to see if I had missed it...and was judging too quickly...lol, trying here...to not jump the gun...
Gotta go....crappy morning....hope it gets better....
Has to....

What do I want Part Two...

I'm really interested in finding out what it is that I want...and by just putting down the random thoughts...I think I might actually learn something about myself...an experiment! Sounds like fun...
I want to eat and not put on any weight...lol....I want to have a firm and toned body and not have to exercise...lol....ok, back to the real world...
I want to see the best in people more often...
I want to trust more...
I want to get some rest....
I want to be swept off my feet...
I want to be appreciated...
I want to be understood...
I want to be valued...
I want to.....be hugged...and kissed....
I want to be made love to....gently...passionately....madly....as if I were the only woman alive...lol....yeah, dreaming a bit on that one too...
I want to listen to music.....let it carry me away....day dream....
I want to keep it together...always...
I want to be wanted...
I want to see him....
I want to stop missing him....
I want to not whine about it....
I want to feel alive....
I want the rush....the adrenaline....
I want to explore myself....people....places....
I want to enjoy life....
I want to take myself less seriously....
I want to have a year round tan...lol
I want my wrinkles and grays not to show....lol
I want to be desired....
I want to make someone feel....
I want to talk to people....get to know them....some anyway....
I want to figure myself out one day....
I want an interesting life.....one that I'll be sad to let go of...when the time comes...
I want to look back at my life and know that I did all that I wanted....lived to the fullest...no regrets....
I want to tell people how I feel...without going in circles...
I want to cry and not feel weak....or defeated...or get a migraine afterwards...lol
I want to get over my hang ups....and fears...
I want to be daring....
I want to love someone so much it hurts...with everything that I am....
I want to feel passionately about someone...
I want to have many romantic moments in my life...
I want to let myself go enough to enjoy them....
I want to be less mean....and more tender....and sweet....
I want not to be ashamed of what I feel....
I want to be vulnerable and not get hurt....
I want to connect with someone...so deeply...that when we make love...we're like one....
lol....that was sooooooooo sappy....
but I'd like that, one day....
I want to see someone's soul through their eyes.....and breathe it in....through their kiss....
lol....yeah, writing fiction here now, I see....
but I'd like that too....one day....even if it's just once....briefly....but with everything that I am....a moment that just takes me away....
I want to be dreamed about....
I want to be thought about....
I want to be told how much I mean to someone....as many times as I can...
I want to feel a gentle touch....on my skin....
and some not so gentle ones too...lol
I want to get everything that I have bottled up inside......out....
I want to live like there's no tomorrow...
I want to do whatever I want...lol
I want to do something important....meaningful with my life....
I want to not want silly things....lol
I want to feel safe...wherever I am....not afraid...
I want to be rid of my own mental obstacles....to try new things....
I want to not depend on anyone...do my own thing....
I want to own my emotions...not care what anyone thinks about them...
I want to get rid of my preconceptions about what should or should not be....
I want to sing....lots....
I want to help people....however I can....
lol I've realized that all my wants are very general...and I can't seem to put down the things that I want....that are maybe a little more personal....
Probably because they fall under the silly category....
Nah....I think I put down some pretty personal ones....hmmm....
Ok, let's be more specific....what do I want out of what???
Out of work....I want to grow professionally....improve my income and position....take on additional responsabilities....learn alot.....teach alot....and just interact with as many interesting people as I can....
Out of motherhood....I want to do a good job...raise my kids as best I can...with the least amount of trauma....and see them live healthy and happy lives....that's all one could hope for....
Out of life...I want to live it...lol....every day a little more....diving in a little deeper each time...until I've sucked all the juices out of it....
Out of my group of friends...I want to count on their support and company to share the good times and get through the bad times...and have fun everywhere in between....
I want to have fun! Yeah...that's a must....
Out of my marriage.....lol....yep had to go there....I want....it feels like I've almost stopped wanting much...which is probably true more like taking it a day at a time....but if I had my way....I'd want him to spend more time with me....be as interested in things as I am....have the initiative of being spontaneous....surprise me....know me enough to know what will knock my socks off....lol....take the time to know me....really.....I'd want it to be a true, open and honest partnership....he'd have to be my best friend....ok, but it's not about A marriage...it's about mine....hmmmm let's see...I want us to keep working at it.....getting closer...accepting each other more.....I want to keep trying....to make it what I'd like it to be....
Out of ...that other thing....I want alot of things....actually just paused and smiled...because it seemed like thoughts were going to start pouring....but....basically....I want it to mean something...I guess is the best way to put it....
I want to enjoy it....I want it to last....I want to meet maybe more often...
I want it to make me feel good....I want it to be a release....I want to keep learning about myself through it....I want it to be important....
Sappy Becca....not even writing those thoughts down....sheesh! Pathetic...
Let's leave it at that...pretty simple stuff really....I just want it...period.
Maybe some other day I'll cut the crap and actually elaborate on it...but it's not the right time....not really too much to elaborate on....
He tried today....I know it's not easy for him....but it's like pulling teeth sometimes....challenging....not sure it's the way it's supposed to be but...it is what it is.....and I feel bad for pushing him....I shouldn't...it's not my place....but, if I don't...I feel like something is missing....
It's hard though...at work...with so much going on....to try to maintain something....over the phone....I'm more of an optimist than I give myself credit for...lol....but we try....it's all we can do...really....
I want....for it to not be as complicated...but it is......
I want to handle it better.....working on it....
I want to not sweat the small stuff....but I get uncomfy easily....
Can't see his eyes....his gestures......to make me feel at ease.....
Ok, this thought process is totally sidetracked from the initial purpose of this whole blog....
That's all I have in the want department for now...I think....
Aren't affairs supposed to be about the excitement...the rush?....
Maybe I have the wrong idea....or maybe I shouldn't have any ideas at all....but it really doesn't quite fit....what I would have thought it would be....dunno....more passion maybe? I mean seriously...anyone can sit and talk about lunch and weekend plans...without being involved....or maybe involved superficially....
Sometimes it is kind of blah.....but, maybe that's the only way it can be....lol....trying to convince myself....
It could be better....
It used to be....
Now it's ok.....nothing to really write a book about....
I try to think about how it is when we're together...it helps....and I understand that I can't compare it to now....so much time since last time...and nothing really concrete to look forward to....
Alot more time before...alot more of everything....
Maybe I'm not doing much to help? Do I hold back and not tell him enough of what's on my mind? I'm not really always in lovey dovey mode....and probably should be....maybe that would help....maybe I need to take the lead....maybe it'll never be the same until we do see each other....maybe it's just not meant to be carried on as a romantic relationship while we're apart...and then act on things when we see each other....dunno, just seems odd...unnatural.....
He's trying though....maybe even more than I know....so maybe I should just take a chill pill...and relax...lol
I guess...to the initial topic....I wanted...to vent a little...lol
Nuff for now....heading out to dinner...tomorrow's another day....

What do I want?????

Wow....great last words for this week's episode of Grey's.....those who suffer the most are those that don't know what they want....so, hence the question....what do I want????
Hmmmm...let's see here....I almost went and googled what it is that most people want....figured that would be a cop out so here I am...lol...I'm curious to know...what it is....that rocks my boat....
Ok, let me dig deep.....
I want....to be able to be headache free every morning of my life....
Slow start...but it'll get better....just getting ready to really think....
I want....my son to stop nagging me....lol
No, seriously....
I want....to learn new things....on a regular basis....
I want to....have enough time to do the things that I think might interest me....raise my kids....stay on top of my job....and enjoy myself....without dropping the ball....
I want.....hmmmm, this isn't as easy as one would think....
I want to feel alot....
I want to be surrounded by warmth....and peace....
I want to not have to worry about money...lol....yeah wishful thinking...
I want to age gracefully.....
I want to see my children grow into adults, watch them graduate...marry, have kids and be happy....
I want to read books.....travel the world....
I want to be pampered every now and again....
I want to figure out ways to keep my life interesting....
I want to skinny dip before I die or am too old to want my wrinkled body to dance naked in the water...lol
I want to party all night long....tolerate alcohol and not have a hangover...once in my life....
I want to be able to get away....
I want to not have to scream at my son anymore....
I want to have patience and not get so damn angry....
I want to get to know myself more....and love myself more....
I want to learn how to give more....and not care about how weak it seems...
I want to meet people that challenge me...interest me....make life more fun by just being around....
I want to be able to stop thinking once in awhile....and just go with the flow....
I want to spend time alone.....on a beach....far away....with just myself....and the sun....and maybe some good books and music....
I want to make my house a cozy home for my family....
I want more patience.....
I want my children to stop arguing all day...for the love of god!
I want my life back!
And just had a meltdown on the phone with hubby.....I can't keep raising this kids on my own.....had it...done....no more....
Either I have his help...or I'm giving up....because I am going to go nuts putting up with their crap day in and day out...for hours on end with no rest in between....
I am not superwoman....can't do this parenting thing alone...and I've had to...for way too long....handing over the keys....he needs to take over and deal with his children because I've had it....
Today...since I picked them up at 4 until now almost 10 pm...they have not stopped for a full 20 minutes from bitching...complaining...whining....tattle tailing....and driving me up a wall...
They start activities on Monday...and for every day of the week, so that they come home at night..exhausted...to bed...and goodbye...
Am I a bad parent? Maybe...but I have no tolerance left.....
So....back to what I want...lol...it's funny....me and my list as if I'll get any of it...I've already traded my soul in for a family....and my life as I once dreamed it....is a load of crap....
Yeah....sounds extremist...because my life is good...but...good for who?
Enough money to not have to worry too much yes....but do we have time to enjoy any of it? Not with his work schedule....
Beautiful kids...but do we enjoy family time? No...because they're too busy killing each other....
I swear...I don't know how some people do it...that's why they end up looking very old...giving up their life....for the sake of the family...but I refuse to....I'm sorry....but this is my one life too....
The sad part is...I'll probably bitch when they're gone too...the irony...never satisfied...the story of my life!
Sighs....what do I want? I want peace....and love....and the life I gave up...back! Talk about impossible....lol
I guess I'll have to resume this post at a later time...when I'm not wallowing in self pitty....poor me...and my cookie cutter life....
Seriously....why can't I be just like everybody else and just accept....what is....without whining so damn much....
It's not like anything will change...and I'll have an aneurism in the process...lol
I'm grumpy and cranky.....I want time to myself....
Just me....
Quiet....and peace.....and do or think whatever I want....
When was the last time I slept in??? Ate ice cream for breakfast and just vegetated? No shower...no nada...and was left alone????
Exercise....definitaley on Saturday....might help.....let out all of this pent up energy that's just rotting in my system....
What do I want?????
I want to tell everyone to go fuck themselves...that's what I want!

Random thoughts...

Today I woke up with the whole thyroid thing on my mind...but just got back from the doctor and it all seems to be ok....it's more of a digestion issue than anything else...so, I need to watch what I eat and slowly start exercising again...walking, I'd think...so this weekend will be fun....I just hope it doesn't rain...
So the day started out kind of blah...but it's wrapping up pretty well....my work day was great....gave breaks left and right...everyone was happy...and ended up with doughuts galore....who can say no to sweets?
Speaking of which...I've gained weight! Ewwww...it's all that darn triple dream chocolate pudding I recently discovered....wow, it's amazing!
Three layers of darker, medium and milky chocolate that just melts in your mouth...talk about comfort food....yum!!!
But...it's all ending up on my belly and tush....yuck! Need to get that all under control again....will power is all....lol....
Straightened out a situation at the office....people and their emotions...I'm proud of the fact that I can handle them so well during most work related situations...handling personnel and all that....I just wish some of my direct reports would learn a little quicker...lol...but oh well...I have several flaws too....
Grey's anatomy is almost on....I wonder if it'll be another good episode....last week was fantastic!
I'm a housewife! Threw clothes in the washer this morning...just tossed them in the dryer when I walked in....have all plastic dishes, cups and cutlery...and am having sandwiches for dinner...can't get more practical than that...am cleaning and fixing up the house before I go to work...yay for me...lol....I'm a normal person....not sure that's a good thing...lol...
Great reviews on my look today....spectacular an agent said...LOL...like a movie star...another one....lol..I must look like crap ordinarilly if today's look made such an impression....hehehe...nah, I did put in an extra little something....and agree that I was looking good...
Lunch was very good...sushi again....really enjoy it...the wasabi rush is so much fun....
Two and a half men is on...my son loves it...very funny show....
The kids drove me nuts at the doctors....it seems like they're the main characters of these posts...venting on my parenting opportunities and my lack of motherly patience....aren't we all supposed to have it built in...when they're born??
They just never seem to stop...maybe I'm too flexible? Maybe they need more activities? I'm having them start hap kido again next week...keep them busy and let's them vent all of that energy....and the little one is starting with them...she doesn't want ballet...oh well, this will probably help her more....
I adore these kids...when I thought that something might be wrong with me...I couldn't think straight....and now...that I know that I'm fine...I'm back to wondering how the heck I'm going to survive motherhood...LOL...
I need a dish of tolerance with an extra side of patience....lots of it....
I figure that if I've learned it at work....a bit...that I should be able to apply at home...but it's so different....like I don't have the tools to see things so cut and dry here....too much emotion...sheesh....wish I could give some of mine away....
Hubby's been helping since the maid left...good house cleaning teamwork...it's a good thing that he's always been good at that...likes to cook....and isn't just used to being waited on....
It's made my part in it all a little easier....
We're still in a good place....makes everything so much better....he's thinking about taking a week off...I'm going to look into maybe spending the weekend somewhere....weather permitting...and if my aunt looks after the little demons....would be nice...some alone time...it's been a long time...not since our anniversary almost a year ago...wow...lol....time flies..
Girls getaway in May cancelled....my gfd has too much going on...but we're maybe going to plan to get together by the end of June...we'll see how that plays out....I'm running out of ideas here...lol....
But, if things are meant to be...they'll happen...if not...oh well...
It's not like it's a burning want these days anyway....
Nice if it happens...not earth shattering if it doesn't....
So....middle daughter runs in....crying...she was brushing her new doll's hair and bored son feels the urge to go and mess it all up....geeze! Does it ever end???? Patience.....patience....patience.....
I see myself growing old very quickly at this pace....if I make it to an old age at all with all of this aggravation....
I've read that it will pass....I just hope I can stand being around them when this whole teenage crap passes....I don't need much to be rattled and this is sometimes more than I can handle...it makes me angry....
Makes it hard to enjoy the good moments when all they do is pester around the clock....and I'm not an expert at sibling interaction at all...being raised an only child myself....boy and I thought I had it bad...being alone was a blessing...lol...
I want to write about him....but I really don't know what to say.....not much to be said, I think.....in two words...it's fine....nothing really going on...so no way to not be fine....lol. I should feel relieved because it doesn't really feel like an affair....certainly doesn't look like one...or sound like one....
I think it's interesting that he'd ask what I see in him.....I think often about what he sees in me too....we probably both wonder....with things being as they are....lol...maybe I just do...don't think he wonders much at all....but won't assume....should know better by now....the hell with it...I'm just writing my thoughts...so I can assume whatever I want!
I guess....I don't always understand it.....I guess I picture this type of situation to have some more passion to it....intensity....knock your socks off kinda feeling....can't get enough of him kinda thing....maybe it's the distance...because I know I've felt it......it's just been awhile....
Maybe in time....when he's realized that I'm not going anywhere.....and that I'm not flip flopping...and he truly believes that this isn't a game for me....he'll feel more comfortable opening up....that would be nice....in time....
Deleting the rest of that ramble....lol....no thinking required....one day at a time....wait and see....
Patience...patience...patience....
Thought of buying a novel to start reading today....maybe tomorrow....would like to read a whole book....has been too long of a time....and stories are good for the soul.....they take you places....it's fun...
Ok so....eat healthier and not so much...and more exercise are my May resolutions....make the team happier and keep them motivated...are some others....try to see the bright side of things as much as I can....and smile alot!
Not take things to heart....and give people the benefit of the doubt...even when it smells rotten...lol...close one eye and pretend not to see the obvious at times....and go to my happy place at least once a day....
Do things that make me happy...and look for more interesting places and people to fill my life....
Keep in touch with my friends and travel....meeting my gfd would really make me happy...girl talk...need that sometimes....really like it....
Not focus on one person or place or thing....keep my life options open...
Not limit myself....look for opportunities...
That Bingo thing at the club looks interesting and it'll be girls night out...yay!
And keep smiling...lots and lots....
Remind myself of how wonderful life is....and how many great people I care about and care about me there are....not limit myself...lol.
Keep going...and growing....and living....to the fullest....
Get to know myself more and more.....by trying new things....meeting new people...going to new places....not limit myself....lol....
Give more....without expecting....but keeping in mind that everything is about balance....
Love myself more and more....as I discover more of me....not limit myself....
Enjoy the simple things in life.....and see the beauty in as much as I can...
Not judge....or frown upon the things I don't understand....not limit myself....
Remember that each breath is a new beginning....every day a new opportunity....and that I hold the keys....and the map to the rest of my life....not limit myself....
Lots of resolutions....lol....hopefully I'll check them off one by one....little by little....just reading them over and over should be fun...especially on the bad days.....and with the rainy days...they'll be more frequent....lol...yuck.
Stretches.....and yawns....I'm writing myself into a sleepy mood....
Grey's is on in a few minutes....and then keep busy until he gets home...
Everything is in it's place....and dinner is a no brainer today.....hope the kids are in bed early so him and I can spend some time....talk about the day....and just hang out.....it's relaxing....
I see so much good in him lately.....lol...not even getting into that analysis....but I have to say that I appreciate him alot more....
His dedication....and affection.....a touch....a caress....a smile and a deep look into one's eyes goes a long way....
Deleting more unproductive thoughts....lol....maybe I'll write them out one day....but not today....
I'll review my resolutions before I go to bed...and probably every day after that....lol.....they sure do look good written down....let's see how they measure up out in the real world....
Kids acting up now...time to go....lol...was good while it lasted....my alone time....
Until the next one....Becca signing off...peace out...LOL.

It all makes sense now....

I was a little curious about the nature of my friendship thing....and read up about the different types of relationships and feelings...and by golly...I think I hit the jackpot!
I'm infatuated! Here's the article I read....
Is it Just Infatuation? So what about infatuation? That's when you think of someone all the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to center your priorities around him/her as well. There is history with this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. You both enjoy being together. You both daydream about each other and get all crawly in your underwear....
While you try to evaluate whether or not it is the real thing, here are some things to consider: Are you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you glad to be alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive daily, like being alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person of value? Does his or her mother know about you? Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future? Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your life better because your boy/girlfriend is in it? Really? Are you in this relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes life less complicated. You get a built in escort and date. Most people seem to think and feel better as part of a pair. There is a sense of social relief as well meaning family and friends stop trying to fix you up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do you automatically consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate maybe meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and dreams for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams together?
LOL....none of the above...it can't be anything more than infatuation...we're both married, for crying out loud!
In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that someone exists in the real world.
Wow...so true....and we're not....
Bringing it Into Reality Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is reality. So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship, versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this the person you want to be in a couple with?
There...so true....the reality is...there is no reality....there can't be...
This is actually liberating....lol...
Ok, this is good....it's not love....which is actually a relief....there's caring...but it's mostly infatuation....bingo!
Smiles....I feel lighter already....
Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest is hard and requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride your way in love's direction.
Yesssss....call a spade a spade...for crying out loud....
I think I just grew at least a year here....lol...
So, he's a nice guy....that I care about....and to whom I'm attracted to...end of story....no great romantic novel....nothing to really write home about....
Just two people that have certain similarities and that enjoy each others company....once in a while....and that have pretty good communication...
A friendship/infatuation situation.....
And the reason I felt it to be more....was because I had no previous experience....
The article says....Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance, in middle or high school perhaps, when we were ?in love? with a special teacher, or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what you weren't ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.
BINGO! That's it....by george this is fantastic..so, since I didn't have those experiences in my early life...I've experienced it now...
And since I couldn't tell the difference, I've gone around like some love sick little pup....lol....
Big Smiles....damn I'm good....
Ok, now that I've figured that all out...things should be easier moving forward....
I don't feel as anxious anymore....
Off with the rose colored glasses.....and on with a more realistic view...

During Breakfast....

Peace seems to have finally found this home...but shhhhh....won't say it out loud so that I don't jinx it....
We're not a conventional family on some weekend mornings....like now...where each one of my kids is having breakfast watching tv...and I'm here on the computer....we are in the same room....but everyone is into something else....it's quiet though....I'm happy....
What we eat some morning isn't conventional either...today it's patacones...we all love them....not healthy at all...but we're entitled to some sinning on the weekend...
Pool plans for today...if only my aunt would pick up her phone...we're stuck here...I should have kept hubby's car as he offered...but I was too sleepy to get up....lazy me. I did get enough sleep, finally....was very much needed...I feel more relaxed and less on edge this morning...
The kids picked up their messes yesterday, so the house is a little more organized and that helps...messy areas make me anxious...who would have thought...lol, I was such a piggie growing up and my room looked like a dumpster most of the time...but now...things out of place make me nervous...and cranky...how we change....
Tummy reflux seems to be improving...but I'm not too hungry either...maybe this will be the key to losing some weight...yay!
Still haven't had the tests ran...hubby hasn't been able to go with me...I'm a wimp that way...no blood tests on my own...I'm spoiled...he needs to be there to hold my juice for when it's all over....I'm much better now though..don't cry...lol. I used to...how lame....I'm growing up...losing all of my innocence...what a shame...but, had to happen....lol.
Don't even remember when I fell asleep last night....but I woke up in my tank top...and no pants...lol, hubby undressed me...what a perv...lol....the sad news is...I didn't even notice...lol.
He's so tired...poor thing...but no days off in sight....he's not gotten cranky though which is good...there's only room for one high maintenance person in this house...and I have that role hogged already...
I need to go food shopping today....sucks to depend on someone...this whole car thing is getting annoying...but mine will finally look decent...
My breakfast wasn't all that good...too greasy ....yuck....maybe lunch will be yummier....
My daughter just commented on how peaceful the house seems to be today...my son was out until the wee hours with his friends and is all out of energy today....yay!
Let's hope it stays that way....crossing fingers...legs...and all...
I'm still a little tired....lol, lazy bum...but not down....so that's great news...vented alot yesterday...and the day before....so, all is good.
Looking forward to laying in the sun....not sure if it'll happen though....my aunt's still sleeping, it seems....
Ok...I'm signing off for now...have a restless child wanting to use the computer here...

What a long day.....

So much for spending time with the kids....they all up and left...and here I am....too anxious to sleep...too bored to not do anything....cooked...ate...cooked somemore and ate somemore...lol....
Car's in the shop...and I really didn't feel like going out....watched a movie...Rumor has it....for the fifth time...I think it's very funny....in a dull kinda way....
I must be PMS'ng....feeling kinda down....
Hope to be back up by Monday to kick butt at work....I need that....to make something happen....stir things up a bit....there, here...
I've had way too much time to think today....not good....
My mind goes to places it has no business going....but it's not about him, really....it's just a general sense of blah....
Hubby and his long long days and nights....the kids....wanting to be always on the move...new friends...new places...always something....
What about me?
Really....what do I have to look forward to....other than an afternoon in front of the tv....eating more than I should...and as unhealthy as I can ?....
I know it'll be better and more interesting tomorrow....and that I hold the choices of what kind of life I live...but it's not so cut and dry....
Hate feeling this down....I need chocolate....hope the kids remember to get me my ice cream....
Let's see....I'm going to inventory my positive traits...see if I can pick myself up here...
I'm a smart girl....vivacious...full of energy....not bad looking...not too out of shape....great smile....nice eyes....I like my teeth...lol, they look pretty cool....my belly button is cute...and my tummy....is nice and flat most of the time....
I'm kind....when noone's watching....and generous, most of the time...
I care about people...even when I deny it....and I would feed the world if I had the money and the time....I'm taken by children....love to smell them...newborn...feel their soft soft skin...and their peaceful little faces....the innocence of their eyes....and those funny little voices they have....
I'm confident and outspoken....have strong communication skills...except when it comes to my own personal life and feelings....could sell ice to an eskimo....and can talk my way out of murder....
I have keen perception...and can smell a rat, miles away....I love deeply...and am passionate....
I can enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass....and the soothing warmth of sun rays on my skin....I enjoy closeness of the people I care about....
I can feel music in the very bottom of my gutt....and can dance with my soul....my tushie is pretty attractive.....and I walk with a swing....
I can spell....really well...lol, and have a blessed memory....can remember faces from ages ago....and have been known to even recognize voices...from years and years ago....I can cook....and enjoy it....love to teach....my singing voice can carry a tune....there's not very much I can't do....
I have sense of style and am original.....unique, according to some...
I can keep a conversation going for ever....and have a sense of humor...
This is fun...I almost sound conceited...but boy, am I good...lol
Did I mention I'm not that bad at the sex thing? I think I can heat things up pretty well...and have some nice moves....
I'm a great kisser...very skilled with my mouth....
Have a gentle touch...known to give goosebumps....lol, now I'm really smiling....
I have great taste in men...and furniture....not that they have any relation....lol
I'm level headed...and strong willed....I'm analytical and bright...
There...that little exercise helped....
Nap time....

A beginning....

I decided to write as soon as I woke up this morning....fresh thoughts, and not my end of day ramblings....too negative...lol. This is a good time of day...not much on my mind...a whole day to look forward to....and the chance to start all over again....
Slept in....really needed it....my daughter gently woke me up for a change...was nice...I'm going to spend as much time as I can with the kids this weekend....the other two are asleep....hope it all plays out well...
Have my girlfriend in IM...poor thing, her mom is terminally ill....and I bitch and moan....she lives so far away from her...has to be so difficult....can't imagine when my aunt gets older or when my mecho goes....as much as they get on my nerves, other than my kids...they're all I've got and have ever had....
I find it interesting how people find these little loopholes to make themselves happy....a hobby....a routine.....a certain kind of food....a lover...whatever it takes to get by the days.....like a game of survival....and we all think we have it the hardest....when truthfully, everyone struggles...with their own baggage....some better than others...some have done it longer....and some just don't deal at all....most of those are in the loony bin...lol.
I've learned that it's about attitude....the kind you have to handle your life...makes all the difference....same situation...different attitudes....different outcome...positive attitude usually works best....negativity blocks and keeps from moving forward....
Truth be told though...it's alot easier to be negative...it's kind of second nature almost to expect the worst...especially for someone like me, that has been pretty much taught that most people suck...lol....can't be trusted....they take advantage....only look out for themselves...
Negativity is protection....you don't expect...you're not left wanting....
The downside though, is that you might miss out on some pretty great experiences in life...and meeting some amazing people....if you shut them out all the time....
Positivity on the other hand...is almost a labor of love...to see past the odds...and give credit to what might not have any at all....lol, yes, I'm not the poster child for positivity here....
I've learned though....to keep more of a positive attitude....baby steps...
Truthfully though...I do it....with my teeth clinged together...with great fear....I have that gutt feeling, that....I might be dissapointed...
But really...what's the big deal?....Dissapointment might bring some more growth...and gawd knows I could use some more of that....lol
Don't want to go through the pain, I guess....
So, I've already stated for a fact...that whenever I'm positive...I WILL be dissapointed and in pain...lmao....I'm so negative it's not even funny....
My girlfriend wants another child and her 63 year old...father of 5 already husband...doesn't want to....can't say that I blame him....nowadays...so many kids...is crazy! I adore mine...but it can get very hectic....there's alot of sacrifice involved for the parents and their quality of life....it's like you give yourself up for them....which I'm really ok with....but can get challenging...especially when you're trying to find yourself...lol, and you can't see beyond the pile of children laundry so to speak....
He's so much older than her, her husband...to think that he'll be 70 in just a few years...what a challenge....you really never know if the grass is greener anywhere...all lives have their ups and downs....
Sex is another interesting topic....people want more that don't get enough...some complain their spouse wants it too much....women bitch because the guy doesn't last long....other complain because they last too long...lol...noone is happy it seems, with anything...
The size thing...I guess I don't have enough experience to have an opinion on it....but I know that it's an issue for some...
I'm more about the whole experience.....how it makes me feel from start to finish...if I'm kept interested and inspired...lol....not an easy job with me being so into staying in control...so, if he manages to get me to let go...it's always a plus...skills are definitaley a plus...lol....and now I'm making myself laugh here...admitting that I enjoy it....in an almost wrong way....is funny...makes me human...so there...
The attention during sex....is lots of fun too...being the center of it most of the time...
Wow...she's planning a girls time away birthday party...San Francisco! Would be amazing!!!!!! Late May....I'm excited already....
Ok...that put a huge smile on my face....going away with a bunch of girls to have fun....much needed....and it'll be a pick me up for my girlfriend and her mom situation....sounds fantastic...hope it happens...
See? there was a reason for me to be on here at this hour...yay! Some time away....for me...lol...yay! I've never been to San Francisco....sounds like lots of fun....
So, where was I?...Oh life and all that jazz...nevermind...I'm too excited to think deep thoughts now...want to go check airfare for San Francisco in late May...to start adding and figuring out how much I'll need to save this month...sheesh! So much to do....such little cash...hehehe...nah, with this size of a family...and our standards...no wonder...lol.
Well, this was indeed a more positive post....and I'm feeling Grrrreat!
Good day ahead....nice start....it's all good. Over and out, Becca here signing off with a smile....

Finally Friday....

I think it's hilarious that I feel exhausted exactly by the time I make these posts...and today, it's not even evening yet. I made my way home early to get some rest, but realized that I'll be out tonight...and wanted to write, so here I am....addicting, eh?
While I stretch and yawn...I'll attempt to recreate what's on my mind....
Interestingly enough...there's much there these days...nothing too deep anyhow...met with a team at work, gave a pretty good pep talk, according to the bathroom reviews that I later heard about...lol It's always a great thing to make a positive mark on someone...and I've been so busy thinking about myself lately that I hadn't been able to do that...was nice.
We talked about integrity....ethics....was hard not to pause for a minute and wonder if I'm not a fake when it comes to that....but, that though was short lived, and I made my way towards more inspirational messages...my personal life is noone's business...and that's that. Besides....as far as practicality and true real life goes....I'm not really acting on anything right now...or at least that's what I tell myself...for it to be OK...and so it is...
I wonder what it will be like next week...picking up where we left off....it almost seems like it's been a very long time...did it ever really happen? Does it cross his mind at all? Probably not productive thinking here right now...but right this minute...I wonder...
The sad feeling I had yesterday is gone though....and I'm pretty impressed at my strength....slept all night every night....and have kept total control of my thoughts...that's the key...no wandering...and the only wondering is here right now...not too bad...
There's plenty to focus on at work...and that's exactly what I'll keep doing...I can still make it better...and develop more people...that's what's most fun of it all....
Ouch...something bit my foot...it itches like crazy...probably an ant....pouts...
There's a certain kind of itch, that hurts so much that it's almost great...lol, can't describe it...but it feels that way now....yeah, weird..I know...lol But then...as all great feeling things...you itch it too much...and it starts to really hurt in an uncomfy way....
Too much of anything can be bad...too little too....it's all about balance...
Sounds simple, but it's tricky....to keep things balanced...
work and home....feelings and thoughts....emotions and rationale....
Time between the three kids....between the kids and him....between him and him...lol...thoughts anyway....gosh I think too much.
I get a kick out of myself sometimes...and how my mind works....unique indeed....but...getting better....I think....lol
My daughter is dancing here...anything to get my attention....I'll be completely hers...theirs...on the weekend....will drop everything to give them all of my time, hugs, thoughts....well....maybe most of my thoughts...they soothe me, the children...most of the time anyway....when they're not driving me nuts!
More stretching....I'm tired...need a nap before dinner at the in laws house...
Lots of positive energy at work...I need to invest more into it at home....make it more relaxed...the kids are anxious...I can understand why....but, not really available to deal with it....I've learned that that's ok...and there's time to take care of it all...doesn't need to be resolved today....won't drive myself crazy trying to figure my whole life out today...so....I turn a blind eye on some things....think about how to improve it...and when I'm ready....come back to the drawing board to plan it out....parenting is no different...it's a full time job...for the rest of my life....love it...love them...but omg...lol.
I was obviously not thinking when I decided to have THREE...lol. But, they're here...they're mine....and I'll figure it all out eventually without messing them up too bad, I hope.
So, I realized I've grown thicker skin at work...but I can still be a wimp...lol...darn emotions....I wish I could just give them all away...what a pain in the ass...seriously. And it switches on, without notice....and the things that I can usually deal with in a cold, controlled manner....get all complicated....and I try to argue a point...get all teary eyed...grrrrr....hate it! This week I was a little oversensitive...especially yesterday...and being passionate about my job....doesn't help....I feel stuck, but oh well....in time, I hope...it'll work out....has to.
Why do I always want more? What an annoying trait...lol. Having a brain can so be a burden sometimes....
Yawns....this is good...I'm writing myself to sleep....with the honking cars of the main road in the background...what a noisy city on a Friday afternoon....and I'm up on the eleventh...imagine if I was downstairs...
My daughter is picking her clothes...out of my closet...they fit! Why does that make me want to cry? I should be happy that they're growing up....I can look forward to living the rest of my life....but, it actually saddens me...life is happening too fast...and I'm not sure I've lived it the way I want to....and there I go with the wanting more again thing...
It's not even about any guy....thank heavens...but moreso about me...my freedom....what's that? lol. Since I can remember I'm dancing to someone else's beat...yeah yeah, poor me...NOT. Seriously though....many years wasted....a shame....
And now....what is it that I'm missing? Nothing....and everything...lmao.
How's that for irony?.....I wish I could be more independant...pick up and leave as I please....have a more interesting life...doesn't everyone?
Geeze...I'm in a depressing mood here....getting down just by reading my thoughts...wow....
Just cranky and tired, I guess....and a bit angry today...second weekend coming up....not sure I really hope he's having fun....lol, how pathetic...
I wish I could just forget about it altogether....really....right now....kinda sucks...
The visit stirred alot up, I hate to say....
Made me miss alot....think alot.....long for alot....same places....different players....very bittersweet....
And they come and go....and I'm here....always here...lol....crappy...
Oh well....this too shall pass, as they say....
Feels like a waste of energy....
I feel stupid actually....thinking about a man that is out honeymooning with his wife....what a gem of a young lady I've become...
Stupid mind...and stupid thoughts....and stupid me....
Frustrating day here....hate feeling that someone else can have this kind of impact over me....not like he's the last soda in the desert either...I mean, really...
I wonder what this really is....not love....a friendship with deep feelings? infatuation? lust? all of the above?...perhaps...but not love...
I can't believe I'm actually writing about this today...pretty silly...but leaving it here...so I can come back one day, read it...and smack myself for being such an idiot...
I was feeling so good about it all...what changed? Maybe getting impatient and frustrated with the days....or maybe it's because I have some time on my hands and just want to bitch...lol
I was fine the whole damn week....and will be great tomorrow...and the days after that I know...but what today????
I think he had something to do with that woman...that's it...
So distrusting Becca....
Maybe it was all the talk about the men and their run arounds while they're here...I hate to think of myself as another travel fling...
I mean....I know...I think I know that's not the case...but...how do I know...really? We've just barely known each other....it could be...anything....
She never really talked about him much...almost avoided it...I wonder...
stressed on how he calls her...like I care....
Ok, this isn't productive....and I'm making myself upset....and nothing is going on....everything is as was a few days ago...at least for me...
Has he thought of me? It almost hurts to think that he might not have...
that he's gotten so caught up in his days...and relaxing time...and her company...that he's forgotten about me....
God that sounds so desperately pathetic....I could cry....a bad day for me today...ok...I can have one of those...in these few weeks....makes me human I guess....lol the end of the world....
I mean...if I've thought about him...in the midst of everything going on here...he would have...right? Why does that scare me? That I might not be as important to him...as he is to me....
Sighs....let's not go down that road again....
My insecurities will drive me nuts....lol. Why today though? It had to be the visit...darn visit....
I have some nerve really...having any opinion or thought about his trip...it's none of my business...has nothing to do with me....doesn't affect me...and that's that...end of story....many more days of sun and fun, I wish him...so there...
I find it hilarious that it took me so long to rant about him....it's good actually that it did....
A whole week...pretty good...I should try holding my breath under water too...lmao....nah, it's not been that challenging...just seems that way today....probably a full moon...hormones...exhaustion...and utter sillyness....
Shhhhhhh.....zoning out...and going to a happier place....yes, I need to start planning the disneyworld trip...will meet my sister there....nice....
Get the darn apartment ready and move the heck into it....
Put together some interesting games for the crew at work....and follow up on their quarterlys...
Wait and see how the trip went over....from the other sides....
Such cultural differences in work styles....competitive women....have to watch my back....what a pain to work like that...oh well...I'll do what I have to....
Lunch was great...chipotle hamburger....
Oh...thyroid tests tomorrow...finally....been putting it off...sighs...hate that stuff....
Have felt better, only one episode...and I think it was what I ate...so the doctor might be right about the tummy thing....
Yawns....I need a hug....maybe that's all....hubby's been working late too....not too much there...I'm tired, he's tired....so we sleep....I need to make an effort and cuddle...before falling asleep...I mean, it's not an effort....but I'm so tired sometimes that I don't even get around to it....
He's been amazing though....hope I don't jinx it by saying so.....I actually enjoy the marriage these days....when I'm not cranky and tired...
Pains me to deceive him sometimes....to even think about anything else...
but, it almost feels like I have to....to really enjoy my life completely...don't know how that can make any sense...but it does to me..
Noone knows what I need more than me....and the extremes I've gone to...to ensure that I do fulfill at least alot of the emotional voids in me....
Some others too...not bad at all....
We've gotten closer though...I've opened up, I think....so it's actually helped...so as long as I don't confuse one thing with the other...I'm fine...
This...is my life...where I belong....
The rest....is nice....and not to be thought about in terms of longevity...or much anything at all...just to be enjoyed when possible....and then let go of...until the next time....
No romantic...lovey dovey....crap....there's no room for that in this arrangement....
Friends....of a unique kind...that share things that some don't....
No strings...
No future to be discussed....
Today....and whenever...here...or wherever...
Yeah...I think I nailed it this time....
It's Friday...finally....

Almost weekend....

It seems like everytime I get the chance to write...I'm exhausted...lol, it's been a long, emotional, interesting and very productive day.
Some challenges coming to terms that my growth at work is put on hold...had a great client visit though....I was relaxed, no migraine...I'm kind proud of myself...I'm learning to be more of myself....not so worried about others think...speak my mind....know when to shut up...got laughs...and great responses....nice....
Alot of talk about him made it hard not to think....little things like music and comments here and there would trigger more thoughts...some longing....and at times a bit of sadness....but, it's been one of those days...tomorrow it'll be fine again...in fact, it already is....
As I write my day events....my kids are coming up to me to have me sign grade sheets....I'm selfish, I know...but writing is helping alot....so, will keep doing it....
Dinner at my sister in law's tomorrow....more challenges....it's going to be one of those days...lol
TV's way too loud....turned it off....it's a time that I feel the need to unwind...in silence...my mind wants to shut off, so these are the very last drops of energy that I'll use it for....
I tend to fall asleep as soon as I hit my bed these days...which is a good thing....being the overthinker that I am....
Everything is great....but I feel a little uneasy....can't really figure out why...something is bothering me...maybe it's work...and the sillyness of putting in so much effort on something that's not going anywhere...but, I'm not a quitter...so whining and bitching about is all I can do...and get over it....and work as I always do. It's dissapointing at times though, honestly....but, I guess it's not the right time for change....I'll have to continue to exercise patience and wait....
My eyelids feel heavy....it's a been a long couple of days....not getting much sleep...I mean, I do sleep...but don't seem to get the rest I need...
but it's almost the weekend...so I'll get plenty of time for that...
Why do I feel sad? Sheesh....hate this....yeah, it's the people flying in and out of my life....on all levels...can't seem to get used to it...pretty childish, I know...but....can't seem to like it.
Anyways....enough of that...I should be feeling great, praises all around about my team...my work....but, still feel empty today...I'm a stupid girl....
Must be PMS'ng because this is coming out of nowhere...geeeze...
I'm just tired...that's it...no deep analysis required....didn't get the chance to see grey's....new episode...which is probably a good thing....nothing that can't wait until next week...plus, I'll check it out on abc.com...
Kids are still up...I should put them to bed...and just lay with them....I need their warmth today....and their innocence around me....
What the heck is wrong with me today??? It's like I got home...sat here to write...and everything just sorta fell....
Oh well, gonna go...this isn't helping....g'night....

Skipped a day....

Work has been hectic, clients visiting....pick ups, drop offs, lunches and dinners galores. Just got home...almost midnight, but a very productive and enjoyable day...
Weather is nice...not too hot, and no rain....just right. Lunch was great, best steak sandwich ever....everyone agreed....lunch was ok, italian...not my fav, but the place was fun....lots of laughs...
I'm tired....tomorrow's going to be a long one....lots scheduled....hoping to get as much in, while they're here....new people....not too bad...I've had a pleasant time....
Haven't seen the kids much...a quick g'morning and off to school...and they're in bed when I get home....oh well...will have plenty of time to make up for it....years even...lol.
He's brushing his teeth....long night again for him too....but he's happy...
I feel comfortable in my skin...maybe more than I have in a long time...I can sense it in my interaction with people....feels odds though...not being in control all of the time, and not taking every heatbeat so seriously...
I wonder if the changes show....if people sense me different...the ones that know me...and the new ones think I'm really nuts!
Ok...he's done...so I should head to bed....will probably fall right asleep...
early mornings....waking the kids up and all that.....
LOL, he's singing...is in a good mood....not a great singer though....I'm not really attracted to those, I don't think....hehehe....
Yes....many many thoughts.....scattered...repressed....not to be discussed today....G'night.

Memories of the day....

I'm pooped! Kids jumped into bed with us after all....so much for camping out...and I didn't get much sleep at all...arghhh. Early morning...6 am the maid rang, and it was the week all over again. They woke up without a struggle this time though....jumped right in the shower, and were out the door before I could completely wake up...
Woke him up at 7....poor thing, he's so tired...
A shower for two...what a sweet start for the day....it's going to be a good one...this Monday, I could feel it...
I decided to change my look today again...more gel....great reviews....sexy, nice...very good...lol. Change is good....I wonder why sometimes I'm so afraid of it...
Today I let go....I mean, I was driving to work....and felt an overwhelming sensation of peace...almost like I couldn't feel myself...like I was floating...and instead of getting scared as usual...I just let it happen....it was a pleasant experience...I felt free...
Smiled alot today...don't know what it was about this particular one...but it was like I owned it....I could do anything....
I need to relax...and not take myself and everything so darn seriously...
SERIOUSLY...lol. But it's not easy....my kids are driving me bonkers here again....why does my son need to attract negative attention...all the time? The sounds...noises...grunts....I wish he would just stop....teenagers piss me off...it's a fact...My 8 year old and the whining....geeze! I mean, I love them to death but they'll drive me insane very soon at this rate...there's not enough time to hear my own thoghts...I dread coming home sometimes....knowing it's going to make me so upset...why can't they just do what they need to...not bother each other....listen....and let me be?
Getting frustrated with the same story day in and day out....
Sighs...so what else is new? Work was good....clients flying in tomorrow...hectic week ahead....but that's nice...stay focused on work every day for the next few days...busy is good.
A bit of a headache here...that sucks....not enough water, I know...I keep telling myself to be good to me...but, I slip...
Tomorrow thyroid ultrasound and blood work....yuck! It'll be over soon enough....to start figuring out what the heck is going on with me...physically....cuz mentally, I'm not even getting into that today...lol
I'm tired...need to go to bed early for a change....won't be able to wait up for him...but, I have a stressful week ahead and need to recharge batteries...
He's popped into my head very briefly and only a few times...I don't give my mind the chance to elaborate...lol, I think that's funny...how I control my thoughts and where they go....Got plenty of time ahead, so no point in even focusing on it....hope he's relaxing...is the allowed thought for the day.
Ya gotta do...what ya gotta do....I'm impressed though, at how well I'm doing....maybe I'm finally growing up and processing emotions like an adult...lmao, ok....wishful thinking...but sounded really good.
Well, off to bed here...catch some tv...try to zone out from the little demons outside....and drift off into la la land....

Sunday night...

The kids are on their way to bed....it takes forever to get them there these days...it's like their energy never ends....
I try to remember what it was like, when I was their age....but it seems so long ago...that I can't really relate anymore...I wish I could...maybe I'd be more understanding and tolerant...or maybe not...lol.
Ah...the first of many contradictions that I'll put down in writing...this should be fun...to be able to see for myself...what others constantly remind me of...
In fact, that's one of the reasons I'm here....to get to know myself...looking from the outside in...instead of the usual other way around....
I thought I had said they were off to bed...no such luck....they want to camp out in the family room...so deciding who will sleep where had become an issue that they voice out in a loud enough tone that I can hear them all the way in my room....Special parts of the sofa....who can even remember the last time a place to sit or sleep was important? Same situation in the car...the window seat as opposed to the middle seat, and they start tagging parts of the car as their own, on their way down in the elevator...
Sighs.....I'm back....the arguing got out of hand and noone was getting ready to sleep....10 pm...school tomorrow....the same Sunday night story...over and over....they're growing too fast and it's getting harder to get them to do what's right...when they need to....hormones are starting
to rear their ugly face...and my sweet children are turning into little pre pubescent little demons....Sighs....not fun at all.
Sunday nights are usually my toughest....the kids routine...without any help gets to me sometimes...I know it can be done...has been done, by billions of women around the world....maybe I'm getting weak, as they get older...I don't know...but it sure is hard...on Sunday nights...
It's like the full weight of my parenting responsibilities are obvious to me, when we're alone...the four of us....at the end of the weekend...after the fun and games...when we need to get serious....and get in enough sleep hours...for a productive week....
Try explaining that to kids....lol They think they can do anything...
When does that change, and we become....adults, and doubt so darn much?
I used to spend alot of time in my room growing up...so going to bed was never an issue...I would watch tv until the wee hours...and waking me up was pure hell on my aunt and grandma...
Wait....I was my kids once...poor aunt and grandma...lol. Luckily it was only one of me back then....now, I have 3...lol.
It's quiet now....they'll soon be asleep....and I will find something to do with my time, until he comes home....late nights for him...I wait up....trying very hard to show support, and being a good partner in this marriage....it's flowing quiet easily these days....I'm actually surprised...
When he gets home, I make a point of asking him about his day....making sure he's comfortable and gets the attention he deserves....after a very long day...he's worn out....can't stand his feet, and needs to be able to
relax and let go...for the couple of hours he can get....before the next day comes....and it does come quickly for him....
So, I've made it my job to help him with that....greet him with a smile...
pamper him....and make sure that he's taken care of....and is strong enough to endure another hard day at work...after all, he does it for us...
I went and had lunch with him today....we flirted...lol. Hadn't done that in years...felt nice...to see him look at me that way....
We held hands and exchanged smiles....amazing how great that can make me feel....after all these years....
I shopped like there was no tomorrow...pants, blouses, jackets, like it was an end of the world sale...new clothes and purses and stuff....make me happy these days....how vain I've become...lol. I've actually become a lot of things lately...that I'll leave for a later blog...but....it's all good....makes me smile....
I can't remember a time when life worked as well for me as it does today...I feel....and I dare say it...happy! Well, at least content...lol, happy might be stretching it a little...and I don't want to jinx whatever it is....
Could it be possible that I'm having a case of the positives???? A life long pessimist converts to possitivism? An optimist born? Wow...another blog in the making...
I've smiled alot as I write...so, it must be the right thing to do....rambling
is something I'm very good at.....so I think, at least I know I do it alot!
Back...had to pee and check on the kids....1 down, 2 to go....maybe next Sunday will be better....hope is the last thing to go....lol
Ah...changed my hair look today...not straight as usual....took advantage of the layers...gelled it, and gave it a nice wet look....very wild...lol. Everyone liked it....including me.
Made a boo boo, ate Friday's take out...nearly killed my tummy....but took it easy with a light pasta dinner, and lots of water...
Started taking the pills the doctor recommended....and my tummy has settled a bit....need to follow a strict diet though...which is good...I might even lose some weight...yay!
No onions...no garlic...no spices....what am I supposed to eat???? I'm going to struggle some with clients visiting next week...we usually tour nice restaurants....nothing bland and healthy there....
I just wrote and erased a thought....don't want to start up with that now...I hope his days are sunny, is all I'll say about that today....
I need new shoes! Maybe Tuesday....I have shopping plans for then...
Haven't been able to download music...that sucks! Will try again today...music will be a series of blogs in itself...love it...can't live without it...in fact it's been my partner in life since I can remember...
Songs for celebrating...crying...whining...sleeping...venting....dancing....making love....there's always one for every possible feeling....music is my lifesaver....takes me anywhere I want to be...whenever I want to be there...
Just one more hour left for this Sunday night to be over....and a week to meet again....lol Time, is a subject to be avoided today....
And since I can't think of anything non threatening to talk about....I will conclude my first blog of the Becca's stories series. How Fun!