Men...

Being separated has shown me men in a whole other light...when you're married you're interesting...because you're someone else's "problem" and when you're separated...you can easily become either a liability because you're a "potential problem" or a "potential fuck buddy". Not even sure that made sense...but it's exactly how I feel about the whole "dating" thing...
It's bad to be too good...bad to be too bad...bad to be recently separated...bad to have been separated for a long time...it's like there's no rules, really...other than...let's make it impossible for someone to be honest and giving because it's a jungle out there!!!
I mean, take today for instance...I'm in shock and awe and not even going to justify people anymore...why do I have the worst judge-of-character-0-meter???? First, I go and fall into the first idiot's bed...thinking I've found a good thing...first jackass...and then I find mr. hot that is either another jackass or doesn't want to taint the virgin mary (me), and none of them have the balls to say so...so they just fade away into the darkness...moral? They can all go fuck themselves...lol. I'm starting to really believe that all men are true idiots, each in their styles...ones more obviously than others...but really...they all are.
Take T for example...and not to drag him into this....but, let's say the cat was out of the bag I'm not sure he'd be so nice and understanding with me...let's face it...if he ever had to drop me like a ton of bricks...because the homefront is in danger...he would! And so...the day in and day out conversations...listening...caring...would probably all turn into a big fat NOTHING...
I mean really...take away the romantic idea of him being my true friend and all that...at the end of the day...it's a 9 to 5 Monday to Friday...use the company's resources, don't have to spend a dime of my own wallet...convenient little set up...I don't see him making any efforts (other than the maybe twice a year trips) to invest more than that....why should he? I'm depressed...oh well...let's wait till Monday to see if you're better...forget an e-mail or something...to see if I'm having a shitty weekend...I mean, he doesn't even get online late at night...or maybe he does...but just not visibly to me...sighs...yes, this is my way of making him just like all the rest...serves no purpose to put him above them...when in the end...he's just a man...and a married one at that...
I pretty much offered myself on a silver platter....lol...and NADA...unfuckingbelievable! The man didn't as much as call me! I'm telling you...cowards! Grow some balls...and tell me, uhmmm I don't think it's a good idea...I dunno...something...but no...I swear I'm so angry I could scream...and more than angry...I'm actually sad...because I don't seem to learn...here I was thinking I was in control....I was going to do something daring...and, this ass...made me feel like I can't even qualify for a roll in the hay! In the meantime, the other idiot is calling me every 2 hours...and I don't even like him! Sighs...I'm in a bad mood....
Enough trying....

My love life....

Interesting choice for a blog title, especially when at this point in my life I have no love life...lol. I mean, there are people that I care about, friends and such...but I'm not in love with anyone and no one is in love with me....and that kinda sucks...not because I think it's really a deep and lasting feeling, but it's nice to feel that someone is "into you" and that you're "into" someone...but it seems that the RECENTLY SEPARATED flag I'm carrying is like a male warning sign...or a free entry, amusement park add...lol. You find those that just want to get into my pants...and those who want to get into my pants and maybe have a relationship (haven't met any of those yet). I know it's very soon, but all the same it's kinda discouraging...there are way too many fake boob...all plastic women out there that men seem to find interesting...and let's face it, most of them think with their wee wee's and like to strut around with trophy looking women...even if they have shit for brains...but they make their oversized bellys, and receeding hairlines be less notorious if they have cleavage and chunky lips sitting at their side...
I don't think I had ever noticed that there are way too many of those women out there...insecure of themselves or with very little else to offer than boobs and a slutty look...and they spend amazing amounts of time taking care of themselves to get a man's attention...
Not to cut myself down but...I'm pretty blah...for what's out there...right off the bat, I mean...I know once they take the time...they'd find me interesting...but how many will really take the time...and oversee Bimbo Barbie????
Yeah, I know....I'm sounding a little ridiculous but...let's see here...I tried theatrical bohemian loon, who wanted to get some and then took the high road...then, the random handsome guy...that is a little too self involved and wrapped up in his life and meeting 20 women a day to maintain any glimpse of anything consistent...as simple as friendship....then there's the other guy that I don't find interesting at all...but we chat...has good conversation...but is a nitwit that can't even get a date time straight and stick to it....then there's cuban crazy person who has a mess for a life, shows up like a comet...wanting to take me away somewhere...pay for airfair for a weekend...lol to ultimately get into my pants....there's married guy that just had a baby that looks out for me, but nothing physical going on....there's married guy that tried to hook me and once he realized that I'm not that type...took the high road...lol...and last but not least...there's THE married guy, my friend...who listens...almost everyday...to my crap...but whom I know I can't really count on outside office hours...and can maybe see twice a year, if we're lucky...for a day or so...to pretend we have a relationship...yeah, I'm not in positive spirits in terms of men today...I'm really thinking that I'm going to end up alone...lol...either my standards are too high...or I've not been out enough...or men are just asses....or...all of the above...
Maybe it's just not time for me....but I don't really like what I've seen so far...
Not that I really know how the whole game works...haven't played it...ever...settled into the first consistent situation I found...and now I know why...not knowing where I stand is nervewrecking...that's why people settle...it's better sometimes the OK but known then the fabulous and maybe never happening known...lol.
But, it's really too soon....I guess I'm just venting my thoughts du jour because I don't understand how the dynamics of dating work or what the rules are...so, I'm going to probably land on my face a few times until I know...
Plus, it almost seems as if normal people aren't "in"...you're supposed to play something...have a hobby or a sport that you love...but if you've been raising kids for the last 13 years...that's well...uhmmm...not fun...LOL.
It's not good to be too witty and sarcastic...but you can't be all nice and giving all the time either...it's like a damn game! What a pain in the ass...
And there's protocol....when to say hi...when to not say hi....how often to communicate...and I know...that one should do what feels right...but when you do...put yourself out there...and it may not be reciprocated you end up feeling like an idiot....and, boy do I hate that feeling!
Oh well...the best I can do...is do my best....and let the chips fall where they may...but I can certainly feel that I'm going to become more of a bitch...I really feel like one today...
But I know....as the mother Theresa's quote goes...
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Smiles....another good day...

The list...follow up...

Hmmm this is the first time I've actually "followed up" on a blog...it seems as if my compliant personality is surfacing to sort my life out and get things back in gear...less emotional talk and more action driven comments are in order these days...
I can check off the give the kids clothes away but they never made it to any foundation. The two maids that came in to help out today took around 10 bags full of stuff...and they were soooo happy....one of them doesn't need to do any christmas shopping for clothes for her daughter now because my daughter's old outfits, nice ones...will fit her perfectly...and the other one's baby is inheriting some of my youngest daughters dresses too....and I was blessed, literally by them...for being so giving. smiles...it felt nice...and even nice because I didn't do it to be thanked...
So the house is clean...er....and my OCD ways have kicked in too, because I'm cleaning up after everyone to the point of getting annoying...no leaving cups or ice cream plates behind leaving marks on my furniture!!!! Dog pee HAS to be cleaned inmediately...speaking of which the little one went to the vet for her shots today and a bath, boy was she stinky....and she started on dry food mixed with the can...and she liked it.
Tomorrow I'm teaming up with the girls to go paint shopping to start our paint their room project...they approved the colors...and are excited that we'll all chip in...thank heavens it's a fairly small room...although I think I'll probably just get around to one wall...lol, knowing myself the smell will chase me away...even though it's not the first room I paint by far...but it's been a good 4 years or so since I've tried it again....
The girls are asleep and my son is sleeping at a friend's....the house is organized, and I feel soooo much better because of it....the little one is asleep in the kitchen...dinner was good...and one happy pill later, I feel relaxed...ok, half a pill...0,25 mg to be exact...hardly nothing but enough to take the edge off....and get me some sleep tonight...because I only managed 2 hours last night...tossing and turning...I worry too much...
Today I'm in a good place...positive and exhausted....the girls room project is exciting...
I'm drinking some water, so I'm working on that as well....not quite ready to let go of the carbs because they might very well be what's keeping me somewhat active...and I need the comfort of food as awful as it sounds...even though my belly is growing and I hate it...need to do some exercise...now that the kids are on vacation I can still get up at 6 and walk instead of getting them rushed out the door....so there's an item I might be able to check off the list soon. Maybe...if tomorrow's a nice day I might even take the girls to the causeway for a nice outting...we'll see how that goes...
I'm getting used to being on my own....it's not that bad really...and I do enjoy my independence...my space...it'll become second nature...in time, I'm sure...one day at a time...

The list...

So, I'm thinking that I need to put together a list of sorts....to keep track of the things or actions I need to put in place to start "restoring"...
1. Get a maid, or someone to help at home. Well, have one that comes in daily now and leaves in the afternoon, and the new live in is supposed to start on Sunday. If she doesn't...then I'll hold onto this one for another week just in case...
2. Get rid of half of this kids clothes and shoes that don't fit anymore. We already started emptying closets and I'm donating everything to a foundation a gfd of mine is involved with...
3. Paint the girls room....that's going to be my weekend task...back wall bright fuscia...front wall neon green...side walls white to put up the colored circles we bought...they did a great job decorating the doors and bathroom with butterfly and flowered stickers...
4. Quote the furniture for the girls room....My gfd has a guy that does inexpensive custom made wall units, with the back of the unit uncovered so you can see the color of the wall...how cool! So, I have a design already, quite simple...but need to get started on it...I want their room ready by the time vacation is over...
5. Start eating healthier and drinking more water....only one carb a day...toughest task so far because the anxiety has my appetite in overdrive....but it's important that I start...perhaps with the maid, and having her put together breakfast and dinner, I'll behave...
6. Get back to walking once a day...at least a short 30 minute walk to start getting the hang of it..I can start at 6 am now that the kids are starting vacation, no rushing them out the door...
7. Make a point of not complaining...and smiling more...already started on that one...Lulu made a mess of the garbage this morning...and I didn't get upset...just cleaned it up...and tried to think of something else...my daughter wanted to start arguing last night...and I ignored it....and ended up laughing about something else...good start...
I think I'll leave the list at 7 for now...and when I've checked this off I'll go ahead and add some more items...
Good day today....nice.

Seeking Restoration...

I looked up the word restoration, and it speaks of returning to a previous condition....before impact...so, it seems as if my goal for the next few months should be to pursue the restoration of myself...just that. Let the rest of the world take care of itself...in strides...day by day...do the best that I can to guide the kids, hold the workplace together...keep in touch with friends and family...but most importantly...care for me...
I'm starting today...putting Becca back in order...starting with a slow warm shower...and a smile today...baby steps, nothing big...just enough to soothe me...positive thoughts...and random thoughts of the many ways...to get myself back...to that place that made me happy...
Today, I'm going to make a point of not complaining....that can be my very first real step...the maid left? another one will come...the house isn't impecable? tomorrow's another day to clean it...the kids are giving me a hard time? They're kids...it'll pass...It's raining? Good...we needed the water to cool off....Hmmm...the practice of positive thinking...starts today...starts right now...
What triggered this?...Yesterday I was interviewing maids...and this one lady walked into my home...with the saddest look I had seen in a long time....very humble looking...with a newspaper in her hand...she was telling me that she's from the interior of the country...and came to Panama with her two babies...2 boys...one is a year old and the other is three...her children...that she needs to feed...so she came to the city, after her husband had been bitten by a snake, on a farm...where they cared for the animals...the farm was owned by a Canadian family that moved back home...and because the land was so far from any town...they couldn't get her husband the attention he needed for the snake bite, and he died on the way....so this woman with her two babies came to town, to her mother's house to find work...a life and future for her children....
Last week, her mother died of a heartattack....and here she should before me...with a crumbled newspaper telling me her story....with the courage only a mother can have....she took the newspaper and without knowing her way around...she began to ask building to building for job opportunities....this woman, that had lost so much already....was strong...and moving forward for her kids...she wasn't crying...she wasn't at a therapist....she was on her feet...on the street...trying to make a difference in her life...with so little...a few dollars perhaps...and so much pain to carry....sighs...it broke my heart....at the end of the conversation she told me that she needed to travel back and forth and couldn't sleep here....and the pain in her eyes when I told her that wasn't what I needed was unbearable....so, I took down her number...and ensured her that I'd help her find something....and she smiled....and she gave me strength...because if she could smile...during this moment of her life...then so can I....
I gave her number to a friend that may need her to come in and clean the office...I'm also asking at work...because I truly believe that she was sent to me....to help me...so now I need to help her...
Inspiration comes in the most interesting shapes and places....the trick is to have our senses open to it...because it doesn't show up often...
Today is a good day...and tomorrow will be even better....

Rock Bottom....

Sighs....days like today are ones that I'd like to pass quickly and then develop amnesia to forget. I guess no matter how old I get or mature, the things that really bother me and hurt, will always sting like my family but as my girlfriend the shrink said so elocuently today, one has to dig deep into the painful past to heal...and I don't think that I've truly done that..and so, I walk around with a wounded inner child that weeps over spilled milk...lol. Not quite the metaphor but what I mean is, that...my life has been a series of traumatic events some self inflicted and some not...and my system is gradually short circuiting...some of the events I've shared and some I've not and probably never will because saying them out loud will make them real...so, I share the craziness with just myself and the burden is very hard to carry...on days like today.
My separation and home situation is triggering some past emotional heartache and I seem to be grieving over it all...at once. I never thought I'd see the day in which I'd grow so weakend that I'd break down in a therapy session...weeping, sobbing and unable to speak...the frailty of my humanity is screaming these days...and playing the tough one doesn't cut it now. It's hard...and it hurts...and I'm having a hard time dealing with it alone...and I've cornered myself into a place where there's not much support or anyone who thinks I even need it, since I've portrayed the role of ice queen can do it all...for such a long long time...
My aunt and I speak completely different languages and the resentment is so great that we can't find our way towards making it ok...funny how I can love so passionately...yet hold so much negativity towards some people...I guess I never got over the anger of a crappy childhood...I hated it...and everything about how I was handled...they had no clue...
My grandmother...clueless...not even getting into that one..almost 90 yrs old...won't even try to go against that...they made me hard...and then they grew softer over the years...and I didn't...so we lost ourselves on the way...not that we really had ourselves anyway...
I know...if it's me against the world...then I'm the one with the problem...but goodness it's getting heavier by the hour...and I really need help. Depression is setting in and it's ugly...and I can't afford it with the kids around...and for my own health and safety...because at this rate...snapping is just around the corner...I'm tired...
The crying isn't off limits, on the contrary...can barely make it stop...I sob and weep like my mom had died all over again...like I'm in extreme pain...and I am.
I wish I had the strength to focus on the positives today...but I can't...I just want to sleep...and I feel like I function on solar energy...like it's me...but it's not...going through the motions each day...it's like I've lost my balance...my stability...and I need it back.
It gets better, I know...but when? Gaining weight....driven by anxious overeating, lack of sleep, patience and tolerance...I feel like I'm aging a decade a day....
Sighs...it has to get better...

Time to cut the crap

Just read the last couple of posts and boy do I sound down...lol, I must have gotten a good night's sleep because today doesn't look nearly as desperate...I'm more resilient to the changes and recent happenings of my life...I give up control....my hands are up on the air...let's gladiate through today, try not to complain and see what happens....the truth of the matter is...compared to others, my life is pretty damn good...
Lulu had a bit of a relapse last night but looks a little better this morning...hope, is what I'm holding onto...and a positive attitude always helps attract some good...so that's my goal today...no complaints and stay positive!
Yawns...let's get these kids out the door...

Down...

It's down season again....and it seems to have come to stay....I'm not planning on letting it though of course...but as opposed to other times, this time...I feel like I need it around for a little bit...I need to just sulk...and feel shitty...and think alot about my recent choices...and about what I truly want for myself...and why I subject myself to situations that won't aid me in feeling better about myself...why the self destructive patterns? Why do I not trust my inner voice when I sense that something is just not right? Why do I go ahead and bang my head yet again, with my eyes wide open? I mean sure...experience is good and all that...but it doesn't have to keep hurting if you've learned anything at all....but, have I?
In the end...I think that I'm still that little girl on the inside that doesn't feel good enough or worthy...and I can't figure out why...especially since there's nothing rational about it...I'm smart, not bad looking...have a pretty good albeit intense personality...heck, there's alot of people worse off than me out there...but...my relationships just suck! The ones that offer stability of sorts I walk away from...and those that have a tendency of making me feel like shit...I pursue...go figure. Well...it's not always bad but....it's good...for a second at a time....every so often...
Am I not worth full time good? Am I settling? Do I allow myself to get played?....sad.
PMS season just sucks...it clouds my lense and takes away what little strength I have to fight the daily battles...and knocks me into a corner...sighs...it'll pass like it always does..but...the weight has gotten a bit heavier...and although I've always carried it alone...today I can feel it.
I have no one...nothing, really...my children that depend on me, but I cannot depend on them...yes, I know...I shouldn't depend on anyone...but boy would a strong shoulder help me these days...I cried last night...and it felt good...and I feel like crying again today...and I can blame it on the hormones all I want...but the truth is...I've been through alot...shit noone could ever imagine...and I can feel it all today...
In talking with gfds...separated, divorced...what pathetic lives...how scary life seems to me today...all the men, with bad intentions...no desire to get to know them...the games...the sex...the loneliness...the bitterness...the covering up the fact that they're not even happier now.....the jungle...deep breath...but, it's PMS season so of course I'm scared to death....it'll get better in a few days...and I'll probably be designing my junglewear...lol...yeah, right...I'm getting scared here..is the best I can wish for is a long distance friendship with a married man? Shit...it better not be...as sweet as he is...at the end of the day...I'm just an option to him....even as much as he cares about me...he'll never care enough....and as long as I remember that....I'll be ok.
I'm so dissapointed in people today....I can feel that old and buried bitterness that I used to feel...it's true...stick around people long enough and you will get hurt...it's a fact...so, stay away...safe distance..don't give too much of yourself and play along...and to think everyone does it...how sad...no wonder the world is what it is...people with agendas...everyone is trying to screw someone...and it's always in the biblical sense....
I'm such an idiot...lol.
Yeah...some self pitty today...sighs...hadn't felt that in ages, but really...I myself am my biggest enemy...bringing pain into my life when it's the last thing I need...
I need to grow strong....but I'm too tired today...
I just want to be sad...and wallow in it....I can feel the weight in my eyelids...and my gray hair...gawd do I ever look pathetic...bigger sighs...
It's almost time for work...the kids are off the school...my puppy still at the vet, she's supposed to come home today...what a scare...it's like I'm attracting bad karma...lol...need to shake it off...and move on...but not today...maybe next month...

Another Saturday night....

Home alone....but have been chatting with a long lost gfd that lives in Colombia. We lived in the same building when I was a little girl and we've always managed to stay in touch somehow over the years....she's also separated and has a little girl, but boy has she mastered this whole being on her own thing...or has she? lol.
Was telling her a bit about my life...and recent happenings...in the male department and we've had a good conversation...she's way ahead of me though...a little too much for my taste but it seems that that's what happening out in the real world with the available women...why can't it be more simple? Men and just one thing on their minds...it's sad to think that from now on it'll be a matter of silly mind games to keep them interested and out of my pants...sighs...or maybe it's just too soon and I don't have the right attitude. It seems as if all I attract are wrong situations...or is there any such thing? Could it be that I need to live these experiences? Well, I did say that I wanted to live the normal life...so, can't exactly complain now, right? I mean, had I lived it at the right age the candidates wouldn't be married...lol, slight current handicap but oh well...at least he's not in the same building making up excuses to come downstairs to make out with me, like my gfd...LOL talk about balls....she has steel ones...
Is this what goes on out there, and what I was missing out on? Nah....I haven't even gotten the tip of my nose out the door yet..and I'm sure it's not that bad...and even if it is...I guess I can make it ok for me....
Just going through a shitty phase that's all....
Feel horrible...look horrible...all bloated eyes and belly...today rushing my baby Lulu to the vet...goodness what a scare...let's hope she's better tomorrow...I'd hate my kids to have to go through that loss right now...sighs...the ex showed up and I looked maybe the worse I have in ages....lmao...crying over my puppy....banged the car getting out of the building...my nerves are shot I think...and I'm not as ok as I say I am....deep breath...it's my period...
I'm tired....and beat...and stressed, have a good attitude but I feel that my body isn't helping me out....lol. Ok, exhausted...over and out....

Exhausted....

Has he been gone for a week, or has it been two weeks already? I lost track.....staying in a state of permanent exhaustion...client visit, changes and more changes....dealing with my emotional inmaturity and everyone else's...catching a cold....not sleeping nearly enough...my eyes are puffy in an almost frog-like manner...very attractive...not! Eating like a piggie...especially chocolate, not caring about that little extra gutt that's developing under my belly button...laughing...or the fact that I am see-through pale these days, varicose veins galore.....sighs...welcome to the world of the recently separated...isn't it just GREAT????????????
Deep breath...I know it gets better...but for the impatient souls such as mine, it seems like forever....and the one day at a time idea sounds like too ambicious of a goal....but, inevitable.
My kids have camped out in my bed along with my 2 month old puppy...like we're all trying to comfort each other....body heat...a comodity I never thought I'd have to wonder about...but, these are the trial and tribulations of the daring and witty that believe they deserve more out of life...
And as I write that...I pause and think about my ex...and his blah aura....and as crappy as today feels...I know that it gets better...it's just a matter of surviving the rough days to make it to those that will make it ok...even though it'll be a roller coaster of a little bit of everything...
Smiles....it does get better...
Independence already feels good...coming and going as I please, no stress...no questioning phone calls...well, at least not from him...LOL my son has now appointed himself my keeper...I hope it's a phase...if not, he's in for a rude awakening...lol.
I wake up, can sit on the computer and write without a watchful eye wondering what I'm doing...I can sleep without feeling guilty that I'm not tending to his needs...I have peace of mind...ok, maybe not completely yet...but slowly gliding into it....
The downfall? I'm soooooooo tired! And it's not even close to started yet...I need to set up all of my payments online...start living like a normal human being instead of in the stone ages the ex intended to keep me in, saving money to be able to fly away for my sanity retreats every once in a while...lol...and make my beccado list for the beginning of the rest of my life...
But...with caution...I know I need to go slow...because my body isn't as fast as my mind...and even my mind's speed has taken a bit of a deep, I hate to admit....but, I need to allow it...give myself the time and permission to feel like crap...no excuses or rationalizations...my marriage of 16 is ending...it's no reason for a party...you know? It's sad....not what I envisioned it to be on June 15, 1991...but then again...I wasn't 100% thrilled about it back then either...it was more of a logical next step than a thought out choice...but that was then...this is now...my choice...my life.
I better do something meaningful with it...lol...
Before any of that though...I feel as if I do need to slow down...pamper myself...love myself....drink water...eat and rest...because I'm truly exhausted. My brain won't shuttup...and my eyes can barely stay open....and the rest of me hurts all over....like my muscles grew heavier over the days...and my hair, just won't collaborate...lol...my skin is just not glowing...and oooh the gray hairs....sniffles....lol....talk about depressing....but even in the midst of my shitty season...I manage to attract attention, go figure! Laughing...
Or maybe they're just wondering why I look like crap...LOL
Fetal position in bed...not too cold, not too warm...chocolate ice cream....dim light...good movie...and the occassional child hug....is all I want...right now. I'll shake it off and hit the beauty salon with the little ones later on today...it's overhaul season! Get those grays in gear....my nails back to life...my tan to begin again even if I have to fake bake...and some eye cream...lol...the diet begins december 1st....but no exercising...I can't impose so much on my poor frail existance these days...lmao....now, that I couldn't write with a straight face...self pitty has never been my thing...I'm actually enjoying this phase....I feel alive...even if sounds like masoquism...
My life, is on my plate....and I'm loving it!
Ok, I'm taking my happy on the inside aching body back to bed....lol...it is after all only 8 am...sheesh! Coughs....

Grant me the Serenity.....

Noone can give me peace but myself....noone can make me feel OK...unless I allow it....so my major challenge today is to keep taking chill pills....and breathe...life is good...everything is ok...and there's no need to panic...lol. Tomorrow is another day, and then another...and another...and then it happens...that it's time to enjoy a little...after all the grief...self imposed grief...lol, not entirely true but geeze...it almost feels like pursuing a little happiness might be a shitty idea....not really...but it's HARD! Noone said it would be easy...I know...but wow...it just gets trickier...I can only hope that I will have come out stronger at the end of the road...
It's alot of work...this whole dealing with people thing..and the emotions...boy am I damaged! I can't have a healthy relationship to save my life!!! Well...haven't so far...can't say that I might not learn but geeeeeeeeeeeeeze....by the time I'm done the men in the world will have me on the psycho list! Well, the good news is...as shrinks say...crazy people don't go around worrying if they're crazy...so I must not be too psycho...lol.
Live and let live....give people space! Especially in my situation...gotta take it sloooooow....and if things don't work out, they're not meant to....so, popping chill pills here...
Work is good....relief sighs...I can always rely on work to keep me happy...lol and my kids...when they behave...which they have and will until we drop the bomb and I become the monster that pushed daddy away...sighs...I'm so misunderstood...and it pains me...truly...
I have myself to blame though..with this armor that I wear around...I don't give people much of a choice to think anything else...strength..not much feelings...egocentric...selfish...yada yada yada...
Screw people! LOL...they'll talk regardless....am I having a silent nervous breakdown? Will I have the luxury to have one? Walk into the woods and scream bloody murder? Punch and rip pillows till I fall asleep...cry, bitch and drink till I can't remember anything? Gosh...that sounds so good just about now....lol. Gotta wait...till the ex takes the kids for the weekend...lol...and have my doctor on speed dial cuz knowing what a wimp I am...I'll get drunk and have a panic attack HA!
Ok....nite nite...

35 going on 16.....sighs...

It's almost like I go back into teenhood when my emotions are rattled or I'm faced with tough situations...and my relationship intelligence drops to 0%...sighs...and I know it...feel it...but keep digging the hole deeper...why? It's almost like I do these stupid things to make people change their behavior towards me, and when they do...I freak out! How can a single human being be so self destructive???? Or insecure??? Have I not learned anything???? Or have I just been handled with silk gloved by one person too many? Why do I feel that I need to cling or latch onto people...and why the fear of losing...what I may not even have? Why the need to torture myself...and spiral into an abyss of nonsense! It's painful to watch....even worse to live....sighs....
Taking a step back...because, when I get caught in giving explanations....people just lose the entire idea and only hear and see craziness...lol...I mean, I can explain that I'm emotionally impaired...sucky childhood...going through a separation...and having dealt with other situations other than ideal, that may have shot my entire nervous emotional system to hell...lol....and be perceived as a raving lunatic...or, just take a deep breath...step back...and avoid all temptation to make further contact...until it's all blown over....what has blown over? I mean, the official version is that it's all ok...but I somehow don't feel that...I feel...that I'm gotten in way over my head...and that now...the rules have changed...drastically...honestly? I don't know what the hell to think at this point, really...
So...I need to BREATHE....
And let the evening pass...and the day begin and end...and focus on work..and the kids...and my current situation...instead of chasing cars...lol..ambulances at that...that weren't even a part of my life a month ago....what has gotten into me? This is not like me....
I need to CHILL....
And count to a million...and BACK OFF AND WAIT...and see....patience...not my biggest virtue...but will need to be, before I make an ass out of myself....maybe worse than I already have...
Ok, let's look at this without the guilt, embarrassment...and judgments...and take it for what it is...I'm a rookie...always have been...and that needs to change....I'm gullible....am I ever...or am I? I mean really...I feel on the one hadn naive...but on the other, like I have this evil devilish side that pushes me into doing stupid things...that I'll regret later....hmmm...I shouldn't talk about regrets...it's all experience...lol....learning...bla bla...sucks!
I can't stand being in my skin today....sighs....long day....terrible choices...and I feel so insecure!
Gosh, if this is what dating is going to feel like...I HATE IT!
I vow to live the rest of my life alone....hate this feeling....
Ok, nuff said....I need to head to bed to have this day be over quickly! Help!

Mistakes or lessons....

It depends on how you're talking to, I guess....but either way....the saddest moment is when you're knowingly walking into a mistake...and you care about yourself too little to stop yourself...and then, it hits...what did I do? Hmmmm...that question has rung in my head for quite a bit these days...and then the anxiety...the pain...the sadness...the wondering what's on other people's minds...and then I breathe...and tell myself...ok, lesson learned...lol...but I know it's a mistake made.
Sighs...time will tell I guess...and I won't speculate until I have more information but...from the looks of things...I might have made a wrong decision...but then again...I tend to jump the gun and prejudge people alot...so, the hope of me overreacting...is keeping me going...
I mean, it's not like I'm 18 and second guessing...or am I? Well...what's done is done...and no going back now...can only move forward...
Hmmmm...think I'll leave this one alone...can't bare writing about a major screw up...lol...not right now anyway....and until I confirm that that's what it was...
Till then....

Favorites Quotes and Random thoughts...

i'm selfish, impatient, and a little
insecure. i make mistakes, i am
out of control, and at times hard
to handle. but if you can't handle
me at me worst, then you sure as
hell don't deserve me at my best.
-marilyn monroe

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well, that’s just fabulous.” Carrie Bradshaw ' Sex and the City.

Sometimes you have to forget what you feel, and remember what you deserve....

Life is like photography...you develop from the negatives...

When faced with despair....read lots of quotes! LOL...that's mine...
They really do inspire me, even though they're nothing but a bunch of cliches....that make sense. I mean, how hard is it to know what we deserve...not really...but we'll go out of our way to punish ourselves by living below our standards...and accepting the unnacceptable...negotiating with who we are...and for what? If at the end of the day...the life is ours and no one else's...and being alone...isn't the end of the world...sheesh!
Having said that...lol...how much of it all is my responsability? Today, while watching Grey's...I had a thought...when he said...she doesn't let me take care of her....rang a bell...lol. I don't...let anyone in...not far enough, and not for too long anyway...almost like, if I see happiness rear it's ugly head, I slam the door...each and every time...why is that? Do I like myself that little?
Granted, that there are situations and situations....but, the fact that someone offers to care about me...is taken almost as an offense, I guess...because it's a pattern that I see over and over...anything to not enjoy the moments...when that's what it's about...the moments...
I spend so much time making sure that they are what I want them to be...that I don't cherish them for what they are...and for just being there...period. My need to control things....and always have the answers can be overbaring...and honestly I don't understand how some people choose to stick around when I do the impossible to drive them as far away from me as possible.
Sighs....not much time to continue to elaborate on these thoughts today...kids sick...and I'm not really inspired but rather somewhat annoyed at everything and anything tonight...so, no point in spreading the venom...lol. G'night...

Remains of the day....

It seems as if my mind hasn't completely landed after the flight...must still be up there in the clouds somehwere...some haze and fog remain though...hopefully it'll clear up soon...
My daughter's dance presentation was very very nice...I had a very nice time despite sitting next to the man with whom I've shared the best years of my life...as total strangers...sighs...as it becomes more real, it all dawns on me...we've been upkeeping a dead relationship...so sad that it's taken us so long to get here....but, not looking back today...just forward...and towards the light...out of the shadows...lol...deep, yeah...
I don't feel sad though...not today...more like resolved and ready to get on with the rest of my life...without the bs...in fact I'm thinking of a bs free diet...need to sit and think about that one..to cut all bs calories out of my system...if it's no good for me...it has to go...no hanging on to unhealthy connections anymore...never make a priority someone who only makes you an option...AMEN...words of wisdom...to be lived by...in the new Becca era...
My kids....are what is most important to me today...not even myself...I'll be ok...they need alot of me..and I just want to be well enough to handle it...keep them strong...and let them be weak if need be...they don't need to carry my karma of trying to hold the entire world on my tiny shoulders...they need to know that it's ok to need help and ask for it....I'm still learning...but, the truth of the matter is...I have yet to meet anyone who can help me...I feel that all the answers are inside of me...I just need to ask the right questions...nobody can fix what I've broken...but me.
So, I don't ask for help....I'm hard on myself...and others...probably losing the chance to have some deep connections along the way...but oh well...it's my life...can't have it all...that's for sure...happy kids and peace of mind are what rank high on my list these days...anything else...is icing on the cake...and even that...can be too sweet or rich at times...
Funny how some days like today I feel strong, and others...it's hard to even breathe....I'm grateful for days like today....and I'm not really grateful for much most of the time...lol, unfortunately...I need to be...it's important to remember all the good....keeps it all balanced.
Today is one of those days where I can see my life in third person and disect it...analyze it...without the emotions and figure out exactly where it needs to go...or stay away from...
Go back to school....get that law thing squared out...have my own business....succeed on my own...raise happy kids....and then...maybe by chance...find a ray of light on the way....to grow old with. Probably not going to happen in that order, I can imagine but...if it all happens...doesn't really make a difference the sequence...
Priority one being the children....I need to be a good parent for them...and be well for them...and content...and strong...lol..here we go...the weight of the world...can't help it, but they're my responsability...always will be...and I have to pave the road for them....
Talk less to them....listen more....be patient....try to understand....listen...listen...LISTEN...and take the time....to just look into their eyes...slow down..and BE with them...really be with them...
It can be done...but will take one small effort at a time...until it's a habit...and then second nature like everything...with practice...
Smile more...frown less...cherish more...complain less....and my physical ailments will slowly dissapear...and they'll see a happy parent....one that gives them a reason to be...and not one that dissapoints them...
I love my kids....and they love me back....the most important relationships in my life...and I spend so little time on them...and instead waste so much on those that aren't worth it...
Not to compare....apples and oranges...but still...my focus needs to be on them...
Never make a priority someone who only makes you an option....indeed....
It's losing it's shine....the dream....one day at a time....

Ok, let's dream here a little...

I've not been big on allowing myself to dream....really dream...not even in my mind about how I'd like my life to be....so, in the spirit of healing...I'm going to dream a little today....
I have several dreams...so I'll just ramble on about them...in no particular order...or reason...
I dream, that I'm happy....lol...yes, I think I dream that alot but I never really admit it to myself...and in that happiness I see myself enjoying my children...and my job....but with a man with me...that is not my husband...
I've dreamed of myself with several different men....and quite honestly I can't see myself with any of them, really...
At one point I dreamt that maybe one day....after many many years, and for whatever reason...I ended up with T...in a more permanent relationship...but as time as gone by, I've let go of that dream. Realistically, it's pretty ridiculous...and I know that now...him and I are not meant for each other that way...and although we'd probably get along great...it's just not in the cards...way too many if's to add up to anything remotely attainable...and well, the biggest obstacle of all...he doesn't love me...so, there's a dream that's been just that...
I even spent time on the details...imagining where...and how...and little daily routines shared...no sex, funny enough...was in my dreams much...probably very unlike his that I'm sure if they still exist are all about that....and a year later, I don't even think we know each well enough to be around each other permanently...
I also dreamt about M....for like a day...lol...fastest dream shattered ever....that kiss never should have happened...what was I thinking? Water and oil that man and I in terms of anything other than a working friendship...he's a child...and I'm not interested...end of that dream...
I've dreamt that my husband has an epiphany...and becomes completely different...that he fears losing me...brings home a serenade...and tells me everything that I ever wanted to hear...that he tells me that he's been in a daze...but that he's back...and that things will be ok....
I had that dream for over 10 years...just goes to show that I can be pretty stubborn...
When I married him, I really hoped it would work...I'd look forward to saturday nights to be together...would think up romantic situations and there wasn't a night I wouldn't wake him for some action...if only his response had been different...or if he would have had a response at all...things wouldn't be where they are today....dreams...
I dreamt that one day he'd come home and say, Love...here's the honeymoon you always wanted...let's go to wherever....with a plan....or, that he'd sit with me and talk to me about his dreams and wants and desires without getting all bottled up...
I dreamt that T...would have a revelation and tell me that he has stronger feelings for me than he ever thought of having...dreams...lol...that he can't go a day without thinking about me...dreams....
So, for the last almost month....another dream has crossed my mind....hubby and I split...and everything is ok...dreams...and the kids are untouched....and life goes on seamlessly....dreams...
And the man that waltzed into my life just at the right time...is for real....and wants a relationship with me....is the one....dreams....
Too many dreams revolving around other people, if you ask me....
So today..I realized that I need dreams about me....and no one else...
Dream to go back to school, perhaps pursue the panamanian citizenship to practice law in Panama....not an unrealistic dream...be self employed...or get an even better department in legal at some major company....not such a dream, more like a plan...maybe....
Dream to develop a better relationship with my kids...travel more...enjoy life more...eat healthier....exercise more...smile more....be happy....not a dream....more like a resolution....
Complain less....acknowledge all the positives....surround myself with only the people that are good for me...stay away from those that are not...from the selfish people...that don't want me...but don't want to let go of me either...
I dream....that my days are hectic...my head doesn't hurt much...it doesn't rain as much...and I'm tan all year round...that my body goes at the pace my head does....and that I smile alot more each day...
That my kids are happy....and that they love me...
The the world doesn't misunderstand me as much...and that my circle of friends expands...
That I do something meaningful with my life....and that when it's all done, I'm remembered for my passion....
I dream that a man falls in love with me...in a way he's never fallen before...and that he's smart, and witty, and funny...and passionate....and his own person...and that we grow old together...while I admire him more each day....and that he's the first thing I wish to see each morning and the last I want to see each night...for many many mornings and nights...and that I never get tired of it....
I dream of going on many journeys and not being afraid....and finding comfort in myself...and no one else....and of going to sleep feeling that the day was full and well spent....no rock unturned...no pendings....that are too urgent....knowing my children are cared for a happy...
I dream of loving myself more than I love anyone else....and liking myself as much too...
I dream of never needing anyone....or wanting them to the point of putting myself in second place...
I dream of no regrets and of choices made...and lessons learned and more growth...with maybe less pain....
I dream of the serenade of the man from which I'll never have to ask it from...and the words of love and devotion that I'll never have to request, because he'll know me and love me enough to offer them, especially when he senses that I need them the most....
I dream of surprise...and contentment...satisfaction....and peace....
I dream of less sighs...and more smiles....
I dream of a life....for me.

Say when....

I've always found interesting that when people are serving coffee or tea, they ask the person they're serving to please say when...meaning when it's enough...when they don't want anymore...and with coffee and other tangibles I guess the when, is easy to assess when dealing with tangibles...but when it's about emotions...when do we say when?...
Perhaps when...is appropriate at the time that we understand that the things we do not like will not change, and that we can only change our reaction to them...ignore them...or just deal with them...leaving a bit of who we are behind...
Perhaps when...is a timely decision when you've tried to change your reaction...and compromise but it still hurts...
Should I say when...or should I just let the coffee spill?
Should I ponder...or just let it die it's natural death?
Should I continue to try to make him understand...or should I just give up and let him be who he obviously needs to be...without me?
Should I keep trying to communicate my feelings?
Should I focus on the more inminent events in my life...instead of the uknown?
Should I forget about it all...and just move on?
I feel like I'm trying so hard....I let go...let it rest but always end up coming back to the same spot...hoping that he'll see what I see...the upteenth time...
Is it healthy persistance and drive or insane stubbornness?
Why do I keep hoping? I'm a smart girl...I should know by now...that it's not the way it's ever going to be....despite having negotiated principles with myself...he won't ever even give me a spec of what I want...and, I would have settled for the spec...but even that is hard to see....
He gives me just enough to keep me around...but not enough to call it something...
He says the right thing...just when I'm about to give up...but then quiets down...for a long time all over again...I know the drill...why do I expect anything different? What am I waiting for?
He's a savy business man...it's about what he doesn't say...and how he calculates what he does say...just enough to show a glimpse of feeling...and stay out of trouble...and not enough...to help me understand...
I don't buy that he tries to protect me....he tries to protect himself....
And I try to stay out of his way...
He says I can do anything....but why do I feel that I can't? That feeling didn't just grow inside of me overnight...it wasn't always like this...it's the time...and the way things have been...that have made me feel this way...I feel a distance way beyond the miles...
Why don't I say when? Why am I still here????
It's not what it was...will never be that....the time, the distance, it's all grown bigger...all except the closeness, the bond...the communication...we're friends...
Sighs...I really would like to be ok with that...content with that...without wanting him in any other way...perhaps...it's time to say when....and let life take it's course...and if we meet again...in another day and age...then maybe...but in this day and age...it's not happening...was nice to dream it...that we could stick it out...for a long time...see each other....from time to time...and maintain the high...but the high...has been gone for so long that I can't remember it...and when I think about the last time I was in his arms....it hurts...because I can feel in my gutt....that, that was it....that was the when...and I didn't even know it...
With my life as it's going....I know that this will be ok in time....and he will take a more passive role in my thoughts....as I see more of the world...and people...perhaps I'll finally realize that it's been a fantasy...a very ambicious dream...unattainable...
And maybe then...I'll let go of the frustration...understanding that it never could have been...
That my gullability....or whatever it's called....put me on this path...but my wisdom...will get me off of it...
I won't be waiting for that one day...for much longer...I can feel it...
It hurts less each time....skin is getting thicker...
Wish my memory would get weaker as well....
He's built a wall...that he might not even be aware of....
And I feel it....and stay away...
He just stays away to avoid feeling uncomfortable...
To maintain things as they are for him....conveniently distant...
He's not that man that I fell for like a ton of bricks....he's a dry version of him...
Not the man that I would look at in awe....with admiration...for his ability to open up to me...and make me feel...but when he lost that ability...I think he lost me....and it's taken me this long to realize it....
I think back to the beginning....and I felt that we could do anything....we were strong...
With the limitations and all...I felt that we had something really special....an unparallel connection....now, we have random conversations...
And the physical connection was just icing on the cake...I truly thought I had met the one person that I could love for the rest of my life....from a distance...no further strings...but, would be the most meaningful connection I'd have...it was that strong...
And I felt that I'd not want anyone else...anything else, more than him....because of all the good he brought out in me...and I could feel back then....that he was taken by me too...
I've not felt that....in a long time...
Not even the equivalent to him caressing my hair...but in words....anything to keep the feelings there...
The I like you's haven't been enough, I guess....to fill in the gaps of not looking into his eyes...or hearing him tell me how much he wants me...
And I do miss that....very much. My loss I guess...because despite my efforts in bringing this to his attention....it's not coming back...he can't do it anymore...he won't do it anymore....oh well, I've tried...and I guess he feels that he has too....by staying in touch...and that he has....good listener....good friend...emotionally stunted lover...
When....

And on we go...

I hadn't made time for this in awhile....probably not wanting to elaborate on thoughts and feelings...thinking too much and writing it down proves to be a difficult process at times. Especially now, as things get serious in my life...there are more questions than ever....so, I guess I'll elaborate a bit on some of those today...
What is it that I really want to accomplish with this new life of mine? Hmmmm...let's ponder here for a minute...Do I really want to be alone? Or do I want to just be with other people? And will the other people be all that I expect them to be? What do I expect? Lol...yep, lots of questions for sure...and I won't throw them all out here today and cause myself an anxiety attack at my sister's house...but, I'll need to address them at sometime....
I don't want to be married, period...and not to him...not anymore...and I've explained the reasons so many times over the years that my brain doesn't want to go over it again...so I'll just leave it at that...
But again..what will change, without him? I'll be on my own...good...alone...not good...or maybe good...but different...will take getting used to....I think I just feel a little scared today being away from home, out of my element...and with the feeling...that I don't have his support as I always have...and the support of the other people in my life is either completely absent...or very sporadic....but hey, it's all part of the process, I'd say. It has to make me stronger....and my expectations from people need to decrease to the point that they some day cease to exist....it's the only way I'll ever be happy...just let life be...and things happen without feeling the need to control it all...and weather out the rough times like these...knowing that a better day is just around the corner...
T is present in my life...daily...from Mon to Tues...yet, I somehow refuse to accept the fact that I'm just that....for that period of time...the release or whatever...that he's gotten used to...for whatever uknown reason....he's perfectly ok without going days without speaking...and quite frankly by now so am I....and it's fading away...I don't feel my life wrapped around it as much anymore...but, guess that's the way it should be...don't think about him in the terms that I used to....he couldn't even make it this time...and my gutt feels that he won't again....and that it's really fading...slowly...painlessly...but surely...I can't feel him under my skin anymore....or his desire for me...pause...it's hard....to acknowledge that some feelings just fade away....we don't even see Grey's as much anymore..he missed it...I missed it...and I don't feel like hanging onto it as much anymore...it's just a tv show...but it was so much more to me...
At the restaurant alone last night I saw a man that reminded me of him....and sighed...as I ate my steak salad...all by myself....and thought that he could have maybe been there...but wasn't and...I decided then and there to let it go....
It hurts still...and it will, until it doesn't anymore...cycles...and eras come to an end...and a friendship remains...maybe throughout time...long gone are those days where I couldn't imagine a day without him....
And so we adapt....animals of habit...
I'm learning though...about my choices in men...what drives it...what to stay away from....so that's good...and I know myself a bit better so that I can maybe handle situations better.
At times though...I don't know what to think...am I too naive or am I too strict? Do I feel too much, or do I show too little?
As much as I didn't let myself think about it much....I missed him...when I was walking out of the plane...I realized it's the only trip the US lately that he wasn't a part of....and I didn't feel much hope then...that he ever will be. What for? sex? Can we possibly find our way back there? I thought about that amazing last time...maybe that's why it was so amazing...maybe it was meant to be that way...so that I would always remember it...
It's funny how he tries to stay in my life...and I feel that I've already lost him...
But, on we go...

Out of the blue....

Funny how life can change in the blink of an eye...for good, for bad...and for, well...unusual. Let's say that this has been a somewhat unusual couple of days. I moved to another location....with the emotional ups and downs that it brought...not working with him closely anymore...then the news of the trip that won't happen....while things at home are coming to a difficult conclusion....and then bam, out of the blue...a blast from the past. Very unexpected....and startling, really. I mean, I could think that he wants to get in my pants as T says...but, I made clear that that can't be on the agenda...and he keeps talking/calling...and I'm not really sure what if anything I want from him...someone else to talk to...closer? Could be. The thing is that this man has more baggage than Paris Hilton on a road trip...not that I don't....or anyone does....but his is pretty out there...lol...and he's a bit inmature....funny that he's actually the combination of M and T...LOL.
He has the dark, handsome thing going on....likes the outdoors...lives on the edge....makes a good living...but is also selfish and inmature. Could it be that since I've not been in relationships before I'm just coming to the conclusion that mean are surprisingly alike? all of them? I mean, deep down?
I asked him to give me 2 qualities of his 3 ex's...and it was difficult...he's clearly self centered...and doesn't acknowledge people's positive traits once they're history in his life. On the other hand...he comes across as a good dad, and he did say he regretted his first divorce. I can see myself becoming his shrink...too funny. Even funnier, that he's a needy one....very...I can tell...and I've used the T treatment...relax, I'm here...lol...just ask if you want to know something...don't assume....lol...and it worked...the man actually was impressed by how I handled his needines...and this is not a romantic or sexual relationship...and he got cranky because I hadn't replied to him in msn...LOL...gosh sounds like me. Could it be that I'm meeting all kinds of people so that at the end of the day I can conclude that...the one man that seems to be what in the future I might be looking for...isn't available for me. And that I'd have to meet someone like him....to be happy....lol...good luck with that! It's not a bad thing completely though...because he IS my friend...and although there's no romantic future in store...he's a part of my life...and I like that. Maybe, one day I'll meet someone like him....
Or, could it be that I'm just meeting all the wrong people, period???? I mean....once and if I'm out there...there HAS to be something else...right? But for now....I'm enjoying the new unpaid therapy I'm helping A out with....lol From a quiet little life, I'm multitasking big time here...I mean, I've been invited to dinner tomorrow...what a slut!
Oh, and ran into him food shopping....of course he knew I'd be there...and he showed up...lol....I was looking like shit...which is good...and of course he said I looked great...ha! Tomorrow, I'm wearing even less make up and shittier looking threads....lolololol.....after all, I said...NOTHING other than just friends.....of the buddy type. Funny anecdote? In 2 days...the man was buying a different brand of toilet paper and packing the eggs in a separate bag as per my recommendation...I told him...he's just begun the end of his life as he knows it...lmao
He seemed amused...and it was fun, so....no harm in that. Plus he did look like crap....so that was great! laughing....
A friend....I like the idea.
Oh, M came to see me today....I'm telling you these days are just full of surprises....took me to lunch with someone else and everything...was very very nice...he must miss me. He looked very nice too....nice, nice, nice...lol
It was a good day.....had plenty of attention....but what truly made my day....was when he let me know he was having a hectic day...anytime he shows me that he cares enough....just knocks me on my ass....what can I say? He must like me....hehehe....more than he gives off....
And after talking to other people....I realize that more and more....
I really wish he could have made the trip....I miss him....very much! And I so wanted to feel his arms around me...and look into his eyes....and just smell him...and be with him...and talk to him...and frustrate the hell out of him...sighs....it's going to be a looooooong time, I guess....
Anywho...and before I get all blah.....tomorrow I have a dinner invitation....to the sushi place no less...early evening...to chat....I just hope that the one time I'm having a harmless conversation I don't get in trouble...that would be so ironic!
Why does he want to talk to me so much though?
Hmmmm.....
Maybe I'm naive enough to think...that he just wants a friend?
Oh well....time will tell I guess...for now, it's fun....
Nite...

Cycles...

Life seems to be all about cycles....some that begin, others that end....and it's interesting how we can have several going on at different times all at once...
Let's see....I am beginning my parenting cycle....kids are still quite young....am reaching a peak in my womanhood cycle...if that's even a cycle...lol....I'm I'd say at step two of the work cycle...with about 10 more to go...lol....I'm just starting my learning cycle...now that I've acknowledged that I don't know it all....my marriage cycle is just about ending, I think...and my life cycle seems to be at a whole new starting point....and well, I'm moving out of my office of 2 years....
Yeah, sounds mundane and silly but habits are hard to break...until they're not....and it's not just about the office...it's the program...the set up...the people...it's all changing....and as much as I've gone through many changes before...now, for some reason...I feel them more...perhaps because I'm allowing myself to feel...period. Before I think I brushed things off and didn't even validate my own emotions...and now they just surface when I least expect them to....funny enough though...I know that all these processes happen inside of me, because on the outside I'm pretty sure people continue to not see the real me...but, that's my choice....so, no complaints there.
I get so attached to people...it's pathetic...I've improved....but can still feel the clingy vein in me and I struggle...like today....when I know that I won't be able to just cross the street to talk to him anymore....yeah, big deal but....it's actually important to me...
But hey, not the end of the world...there's other friendships to be made...other things to focus on...I think I just have too much time on my hands....and so I think about stupid things...in time and as I grow older hopefully that won't get in the way....although...as I heard on Randy Pausch's lecture...one should never lose the child like wonder...and I think that one of the high's of my quirkyness...if that's a word...is that child like wonder...about my feelings...and people...and relationships...there's so much for me to learn still....but, I'm moving forward...and that's a plus.
I do need to get rid of my masochistic ways....if something doesn't feel right...it isn't...and going at it in several different ways won't change that...as T told me once....I don't know when to stop.
I need to learn...
Perhaps that's going to be the lesson in this cycle...close is good...too close is not...
Friends are great...when you want them...not need them...
Habits need to be broken to grown...
Change is good...
Gosh I sound like a walking pep talk...lmao.
Well...one thing I've learned is...that I'm the best one to give myself the pep talks....noone else has the time...nor will ever have the time...and to get advise, I need to pay a bunch per hour...and leave maybe as empty handed....what ever happened to the friends you can call at 3 am? Did I never cultivate a friendship enough to have that....or did I, but with all the wrong people? Are they truly my friends...or would they be...if there wasn't an attraction? Is it for real...or do I just allow myself to believe they actually like me....besides the sexual part?
Sighs....I'd like to think so...but hey, I can only hope...can't read their minds or see through their souls...faith, I guess...that darnest little thing...lol.
Change has a tendency of knocking me on my ass....but, the good news is...that I'm getting to know myself and my reactions better....and I know....that I'll get over it. This too shall pass..
As does all....
Just a rough patch in the road....and the need to break out the adaptability stick....gotta love those...I need to stock up because in life, I can foresee many many times for it to be used....
Growing is really painful, and I just keep confirming that....breaking away from the known....getting out of my comfort zone....and the challenges ahead...be careful for what you wish for, as he said to me today...you might just get it...lol.
He's really inmature...lol my goodness....but has that likeability factor....the good guy gene...
and he's up to his eyeballs in things both work and personal...aren't we all though? And his communication skills are worse than mine...lol...maybe men are just like that across the board...because it can't be that it's a pattern of mine...or is it?
In any case....I'm saying goodbye to my surroundings...that I've been accustomed to for 4 years...and onto a change...and then another....transition time....never easy...
I am happy about the travel opportunity though....hope the presentation comes along well, and that those folks over there aren't too picky...but will be prepared for them if they are....I'm going to knock their socks off. I was going through our success stories over the last 2 years and we've really done some great progress....so by the time it's time...I'll be pumped with positive comments that will bring us new business.
Yeah, a little naive I know...but positive thinking is a dreamer's game....if people let reality get in the way there would be no such thing as vision and no one would get from A to B...so yes, I'm a dreamer....and I like it.
Sighs....change can suck....
But....I'll pack up my gear tomorrow and wear a big fat smile....and will prep a welcome party for the folks on Monday....I'll be busy with the move piece and the testing anyway....and that's good...traffic to get to work...but closer...will be different....only for about a month...and then, off to the real new task...and life goes on.
Doesn't it always?
G'night....

Play therapy....

So today was my session all by myself...in two words...interesting....exhausting....
She asked me to choose from a stack of hard plastic little dolls...one that was me...and another that represents hubby....had to answer how I see him...and begin to talk about my family tree...and she started adding more dolls to my background....seemed like an army...mom's first marriage and kids....mom and dad, the dead baby...dad and his gfds and a bunch of other kids...a whole bunch of people stood there behind me....and then, she took the mom doll and laid her down...that was rough...my mom's death...don't think a person ever gets over the loss of a parent no matter how young or old you are...can't say which is worse...because they're both devastating...I felt the loss today...when I saw that lifeless doll on her back while the rest of us were standing...poor mom, I never ever write about her...almost like I feel I don't have the right to, didn't really know her well and don't share anything other than biology at this point...I never knew how she felt about me...if she wanted me...if she was happy when she looked at me...I do know my dad wanted a boy...lol, not sure how that went over...people and that kind of stupid thoughts bug me...who cares? boy, girl...healthy and happy is really all that matters...
So we talked about mom's condition....how fragile she was...the trauma in her life....and then the trauma in mine...such a big word....trauma. According to the therapist, I seem to have coped pretty well with all the madness around me...or did I? lmao....at times I think I'm just a fantastic actress and that one day all the glue will just melt apart....and I won't be able to hold it together anymore but....not until the kids are older...not now....they need me.
She spoke about my ability to adapt....yeah, I guess I can do that...
She asked me how I dealt with it all...and lol...I didn't really know....I sang, I wrote...I danced....I imagined stuff....I'd play that I was a princess on all kinds of adventures....I would exercise....and listen to music....lots of it...still do....today made me think abut my mother...that makes me very sad...I wish I had known her...I probably would have loved her....she was nice I've been told...always smiling...who knew she was so tormented inside....
She liked to dance too....and talked alot like I do....I was also told that our voices are similar...I liked that....I like that my little one looks just like her...like she did leave me a piece of her behind after all and she didn't leave me...completely...
If I could hear her....I'm guessing she's probably say...be happy....I'm trying here mom....I'm trying...
I have grown so much mom...and I understand alot more now...I wish I had been all grown up to help you understand things better too....but, it wasn't meant to be.
I don't think I had ever attempted to speak/write to my mother before....it was almost not even allowed to talk about her...and she was always referred to...that very nice woman...but she was way out there...lol...I must have inherited some of that outness....hehehe...
She sounds like a pretty cool lady though....a kind soul....so vulnerable....
I wonder if she'd like me....so outspoken and opinionated....such temper....I wonder if she hugged me alot...I don't remember...
I'm so glad that I have my kids to hug....can't imagine my life without them...and their hugs...
It was intense session....I almost cried...but didn't....I'm managing myself much better these days....maturing, I guess....
Taking the bad and the good...and making a life out of it...looking ahead...moving forward...
I need to be ok....and happy...my kids are watching me....they need to see what happy looks like...so they can pursue it too...
There's a strange sense of calm over me right now...almost like yeah....I get it now, feeling....this is my life...and I'm taking charge...therapy is a huge part of what the rest of my life might look like...
Didn't fix the hubby issue....but it's not meant to....
I need to continue to understand....
Him...and me...and who we are...and why we're at the point we're at....
What can be done....and what can't...
What can change...and what won't...
And then, after all that...start asking the tough questions...like...what do we do now?
I never really understood why people compared a failed marriage to a loss...or death....I guess I never took such a serious and long look at my relationship...than I am now...
It was a positive session all in all...it's his turn tomorrow....and for the both of us again next week...it seems like it's going to be a looooooooooooong road....but hey, I have time.
Till tomorrow....

Peaceful Sunday....

The older kids are off at friends homes, the little one is here with me....she's great to hang out with....such an old soul...telling me how she loves Avril Lavigne...and how I HAVE TO listen to the high school musical CD because it's amazing...lol...and that Cheetah Girls are pretty good too...as we had lunch together in the den...no stress for me today...so far...lol.
Had an odd moment last night though...must have been hormonal, driven by PMS...because I wasn't feeling too great...kinda warm...thought I was feverish...so came into my son's room to wake the Mr...thought I shouldn't...but I did anyway....the AC was cooler in there....so crawled into bed with him...I did...I guess it was instinct more than anything...it feels like I'm almost under water these days...having him around and not doing my usual...holding onto him all the time...not that I'm complaining...I actually like the fact that life goes on as usual...with or without the holding...I guess I need to take baby steps and that set backs are to be expected after so many years....the funny part was that I wasn't comfy, we were in a twin bed...lol...so I ended up going back to my bed in the morning...to sleep in all by myself...
I wish I didn't still feel the need for his contact...I can't even say it's about touching...but just knowing that he's next to me....habits are the damnest thing...
And...he's on the warpath because he's doing all the things he knows I like...and that weaken me...everything except sex...I think it's been non verbally agreed that nothing like that is going on any time soon...lol, sounds silly and all....but I still believe it's needed...to keep my head on and straight...and make the most of the whole counseling thing....change can be HARDDDDDD...
I think I understand why some people would rather stay in there comfort zones than try anything new...even if might be better...it's too much of a process...to undergo unless it's unbearable to stay where you are....and in my case...it has been at times...
So, I fixed up the house...took my mother in law shopping...made lunch...cleaned up a bit more...and here I am...enjoying the quiet...
I have to take the little one to dance practice in about an hour...and pick up the other two right after that to take them to a cousin's birthday party....more in law family....YAY...blah...lol.
And it's back to work tomorrow again...I don't feel like I'm getting much rest....need to fix that...some hot showers and such...more walking....yoga perhaps...and lots of happy thoughts...
Having many many of those lately....life is pretty good, considering...
And I'm content that I'm at least taking some important steps....I know it'll take awhile for it all to be sorted out...and probably some uncomfy times....but, I'm on the boat...there's no jumping overboard now....
Need to slow down on the anxiety though...too much munching...I'm going to look like a cow soon...LOL...
Men...hmmm, let's see...what's there to be said about them today? The guy I work with...temperature of the day is....pretty cool...which is a great sign....I even told him that I felt as if things were settling back to normal...thank heavens...it was too weird. I mean, it'll never be exactly the same but....in fact closer as friends...and that's it...lol...I think it was all pretty silly to begin with and I'm very thankful that it didn't escalate....that would've been terrible.....and now with me moving away from him soon...it'll just fade away....not interested in getting myself into anything anywhere really....I think I feel...ok with the way my life is right now...I have a little bit of everything...just enough to keep me on my toes...so, I hope he gets it together when his son is born...with the new house...and child...I'm pretty sure he'll stop the crazy thoughts...and for his sake...I really wish that she can be what he needs...
As for Mr. T....hmmm....it's good. I have to say that I'm ok with the set up....perhaps with my new schedule...I'm gradually accepting alot better the way things have changed...and, I'd lie if I said I prefer things this way....but it's pretty good actually. Not too much...not too little....I'm not flying high in la la land...but I'm not frustrated either....I think that there's some trust there now...and, to be honest...why wouldn't there be? There's free will....no obligation....and we've chosen to stick around...the only difference? He knows almost everything I do and think....and I don't wonder so much about him anymore...I've accepted that communication is more one way...and it's not a bad thing...I think I know...everything that I need to know about him at this point...and the parts of him that I know...I like....so, it's all good. Yeah...I know...there's a hint of some bitchiness in that statement....I guess it's just the remainders of my old thought processes...no biggie...ok, enough thinking about this....no spoiling it...lol. Things are good as they are....and I don't have to look beyond today....it works for me right now...smiles.
It would be great to get to see him...if the whole trip thing works out...
I guess it will...if it's meant to...
The place is only an hour plus away from my family...so the extra days will be a must...don't think my boss will have an issue with it...would have to work out the details...lol....but, not stressing over it just yet....hope to get some confirmation by the end of the week though...to make my plans...if they can be made....lol...smiles...yep, would be really nice to see him again...and for some reason it feels right...not that it hasn't before...but almost like I don't have doubts...and I know what I want....but that's for a future blog...hehehe...
Okies...done here...getting sleepy and need to clean up somemore....no maid on Sundays just sucks....

The world through migraine glasses....

The day started well.....slept in, a bit uncomfy squished like a sandwich between the Mr. who seems to slowly make his way back to my bed...and my daughter that takes up half of the bed....I'm back to sleeping on my tummy....wonder why that is....need to read up on it to find out what that means...lol. Kills my sinuses, is all I can assure.
Got the kids ready and took them into the office.....they ordered lunch, loved it....and it was all fun and games...took them driving....my son is learning well...the girls enjoyed cruising on my lap....still fun....and then off to the mall to get our eyes checked....I need to get my glasses, as done my son...but no luck, doc was out and won't be in until Monday...another week wasted on that one....
and the mall trip began the madness....boy pulls towards his interests...the girls outweigh him...and we end up looking at girl stuff....they poke and bug all throughout the way....mom breathes deep and off we go....earrings for the girls...books for all, including mom....clothes hunt for one of the girls no luck...so off to boy land....get some clothes for him too...in the midst of complaining, nagging, more poking and whining...mom is getting tired...and starts warning....the trip continues...as does all the rest....we have to visit grandma that had a rough night...high blood pressure...so we decide on ice cream....no chocolate for mom...that sucks...so the kids want to try new flavors...mean time the line gets longer....and making honor of their genes, they can't make up their mind...and take forever...and when I ask them to hurry...the ATTITUDE....so, mom turns around and starts walking out of the mall...kids follow...they're dropped off at home....mom goes and visits grandma alone...and along comes the migraine....lol.
So, here I am....some pain meds later...and some water...writing while I can feel the muscles in my neck as stiff as can be....5 hours of non stop kids...is just not for me....
But, I hope to find some peace in writing...as the kids get ready...the two oldest are getting ready for a dinner invitation at a friend's house to celebrate the holiday....yeah, could have grounded them...but it's actually a treat for me to have some peace and quiet....if the little one behaves. Maid will be out, so it's me and the baby....the mr. will probably be very late...
So, on my way home I was thinking....
On migraine days....as I was feeling compelled to call him....what am I going to do, if we do decide to end the marriage?
Who am I going to call?....
I mean, the answer seems simple...noone...and I'll have to rough it like every other mortal does...but, how difficult!
My family isn't too helpful in these situations...and my best friends are very far away....hmmm...what a dilemma....but, not impossible to handle, I don't think....I need to learn to be independant...and plus, the kids are here....
I don't do pain well though....and one of the reasons I've been holding up so well lately is because the mr. makes sure I have some TLC while he's home...I don't acknowledge much of it....but it really helps....am I just avoiding? Probably...but it's alot to take away at once...he needs and wants the closeness obviously...and it doesn't bother me...lol...so, why suffer more than needed?
It's not like we really know how this is all going to end....so, why panic so soon, right?
But, I find it pretty funny how my mind does freak out when I think of moments of crisis without my usual support team...even if that team is only one person...and it's not like he does much....but, he's around...and cares....and I kinda like that...
I do know that we live this life on our owns though...we're essentially alone...and we can only count on ourselves...but, some support is good at times...
And as I write...the pain is somewhat lifted....sighs...what a relief! I'm getting less tolerant to pain as I get older...lol funny...it should be the other way around...
And just as I write about stress being less, and pain getting better...one of the little ones needs to come and nag...lol Mom, come help me find something to wear!!!! Mommmmmmmmmmmm!!!
And, the little marble in my head starts bouncing up and down again....big sigh....
The venting helped though...so, until next time....

The vagina monologues....

Saw it on HBO last night....too funny....thought it was pretty insightful actually...and I felt in good company as far as the women of the world raised with taboos and inadequate feelings towards themselves...their bodies...their sexuality....but, fortunately...those days are over....and slowly but surely I am building what will be the foundation of the rest of my life....feeling completely comfortable in my skin...whether the world likes it...or not....it's my life....and my vagina...LOL...
Seriously though...I think the importance of a woman's vagina is grossly underrated....it's a sacred little temple of pleasure and fun...lol....but, then again so can the whole body be...if used wisely...
The mind though...is of course...the most powerful piece of the puzzle...and it controls everything...from making the whole experience a blessing...or a curse....
Lack of sex has me writing about my vagina...this is a hoot! But, it almost feels like sexual rehab...where I'm cleansing my erotic soul so that I can start anew fresh....whatever that means.
The truth is...sex is good...damn is it good...when it's good....because it can be bad...when it's bad...lol...but on a day like today...bad would do LOL....not. I actually thought about it on my way home...ok, so I can make an arrangement with hubby...sex, and go on as usual...just scratch the itch...but somehow and even in the midst of horniness....it sounds wrong....so, no deal.
It'll feel worse afterwards..so, racey dreams....and lots of me, myself and I action....lol...and boy do I have ammo today....laughing....had a thought on my way home that froze my entire body and sent a shock through it....what was it? damn...can't even remember it now...must have busted a neuron in the process....but it was HOT. Maybe I'll figure it out before the blog is over...
So...back to the vagina....lol....I thought it was interesting what they said about the clitoris and that it's sole purpose is to produce pleasure...that all it's made for...and that it has more nervous ends than a penis...not surprising though...lol...we rock....
Ok....after interruptions here every 5 seconds...intense family....let's see if I can get back on track here....where was I? My mind is kind of all over the place today.....but that's a good thing...
Another interruption...I need to murder a child....
Sighs....I guess I'll get these thoughts out during the weekend....my son just won't let up....attention freak...wonder who he gets it from.
Part 2 of this Blog....not sure I had actually stopped and waited a day to continue but...it's all about adaptability...so, perhaps this is also an acceptable way to blog....lol.
I make the rules around here...and there....and everwhere...
Let me just read what I had wrote to see if I can continue on the same note...or if today....we're on a different one...lol.
Ok, so here we go again....the more I listened to the monologues the more I related to the fact that women have been taught and expected to not enjoy sex as much as men...because, well...it was wrong...and women are subjected to much more abuse sexually.....than men...I mean, when was the last time a woman raped a man??? Why is that though? What is it about women....that men have been a career of taking advantage, humiliated....repressed and abused them throughout history....maybe they feel threatened by our strength? I mean, look at it from a need standpoint...men are so weak when it comes to women...could it be that we're their kryptonite and they've kept us on a leesh because of it? Who hasn't seen the damage a woman's wrath can do...or her passion...or drive? Women can be as soft as silk but as dangerous as a sharp sword....we represent the balance...we have it all...men, on the other hand....have something...lol, not really sure what it is....but we have so much more...
The complexity of women...our depth....or ability to sense...and perceive...to adjust or adapt....to feel...no wonder we're a threat....we're IT. We can have kids....and as the bumper sticker says...we bleed for days and don't die...lmao. We can be strong as an oak....when needed....we take the weight of the world while raising the family....we can sense when the children need more attention...or love....while dad is all about discipline and providing....not much emotional output...lol...like that term. Women are nice to look at....ok, some men are too....women have an energy that guys just don't have....it's like this aura....the way we laugh....and just use our whole bodies to make a point...lol, guys are much more simple that way....
Our vocabulary is way larger....because we speak the spoken and the unspoken....we can read the lines in between the lines and make up the lines...lol, we're perseverant....and a royal pain in the ass when we don't get our way....we're curious and demanding....and independant but love to be with someone....I don't think I had ever been so grateful for being a woman....now that I'm finding out what that really means....and all the benefits it brings...and how to work around the restrictions...such as in work environments...I think I'm learning how to work the system....give the guys the image they want...but keep the brains...and get what I want...lol.
Women have depth....many many layers....are do they? Or am I just describing myself? lol...well, I'm sure there are some kindred souls out there....
Women struggle....and think alot....and wonder....guys play ball...and drink and eat...and look around to see if they can spot a pretty woman....to feast over....fantasize about....and then go home and dream about her....or in the best case...go over and actually talk to her....
Women have so much power over men...it's not even funny....sexually speaking especially....I mean, I've seen it first hand and I've not even been out there...lol....it's like this desperate need to be inside of a women....smell her...taste her...feel here....they lose their minds...lol...perhaps it's true about the oxygen flow not being enough for both heads....ha!
What some batty eyelashes and a big smile can accomplish....hehehe....without being too obvious of course....don't want to come across as an air head...although that sometimes does the trick too...lmao...I've learned that ditzy can get me places too...so playing not so smart has been useful at times....not sure how successfully I pull it off though....hehehe...
Men don't want to be intimidated by a woman....that seems stronger than they are...so, you need to balance it out...wow....now that I think of it...women influence men...lol not to say manipulate them all the time...do they even notice it?
Well...yeah, probably the rarest species alive....the smart man....LOL
There are still some of those around....I'd know....I have a tendency of finding them....no brains is a turn off....doesn't have to be intellectual...although wouldn't complain about that.....but someone who can definitaley juggle between some deep random thoughts and the remote...LOL
I think women can shape a man's mind...but the same is true in reverse....we allow the people we like to influence us somewhat...and without losing our individuality....we do compromise....some more than others...some like to play hard ball...lmao....
Which brings my mind back to sex again....sighs.....why is it that I like to be touched so much? Doesn't even have to be a sexual touch....but, I do enjoy it on certain areas of my body more than other....my feet....my calfs....my tush....like it there alot....very gentle...tip of his fingers almost tickling....my belly....love it there....my back....my neck....my face, believe it or not....just the running of his fingers like he's drawing my face...or put more romantically....trying to remember it and save it through his touch....and of course my breasts....and last but probably the most sensitive places....my inner thighs....and right THERE. So, I don't have a place that I don't like to be touched....lol. I can just lose myself....if I'm being caressed all over....love it...doesn't everyone though? Some of us just indulge in it...some don't....silly people...
I'd say that I like someone's lips and tongue in just about all the same places....yummy! Starting point the neck....my lips....my tongue....my nipples....things can get a little rough there....and I like it.....my belly buttin....my inner thighs....and again....right THERE...lol. 35 years old...and that's the best way I can label it...lmao. But hey....can't name it....but feel amazing using it...so, that's progress in my book....plus not labeling something isn't always a bad thing...lesson learned.
Oh my fingers.....they can be played with too...like it lots....the whole exchange of finger sucking excites me to no end....especially if it's guided....I like to be guided a bit in the bedroom...letting go....turns me on....enough control in life...don't need to be so controlling in bed....although sometimes that's good too....
There's something about tongues rubbing each other...I have to say....that's one of the sensations that I enjoy the most....why? Not a clue....perhaps because it starts with a tingle here and tingle here...until I can feel little electric jolts all over...like my tongue is connected to the rest of my body....hmmm....yep, sure do like that feeling....
Being watched....is a huge turn on....now of course....had I been asked years back I would have freaked out....but, I think that knowing that it's hot for the person watching....it's exciting for me too...power trip perhaps? Well...there must be some of that...and I sure do know that I like it.
To see a man struggle....holding back....or just enjoying himself to the point of losing control....WOW. That...is a huge turn on....
When I'm given certain instructions.....if it's at the right time....like it too...especially if it surprises me...which it has in the past. I remember a time when, and because of my lack of experience...I had NEVER been asked to suck it...after it's been inside of me....lol, and I was asked....on the very first time...I was with this person....blew me away...didn't freeze...just went ahead...did it...liked it...lol....I don't even think he knew or knows...how many little things....were first times for me....and will probably continue to be....
Yesterday.....I sat at the end of my bed....and just dropped my body back so that my legs were dangling off of the edge....and....I spread my legs....and imagined....that he was there...as he has been....many times....touching me....and kissing me....so, I slowly reached down into my clothes....and began to play....with my eyes closed...picturing him....and feeling him....of course...not nearly as good...lol....but, my imagination was doing it's job....and it was amazing....when I finally came....it was intense....hard....and it made me laugh....because it was so good....and I'm not a quiet one....even when I'm alone...can't be....so had to muffle the sounds with a pillow....so that noone could hear me outside....the room was almost dark....and cool....I then took off all of my clothes....and took a nap....felt great!
Hmmm....sounds like a good idea....maybe I'll do some la la land traveling before heading out to work today....smiles...
Till next time....hot and bothered signing off....

Impatient....

It could be all the chocolate ice cream, or again...PMS....or the fact that it's been raining....or work stress....or home stress....or everything altogether...but I'm kind of impatient today. I began giddy, hyper and now I'm kinda pissy...lol. It's pretty cool though to have as many colors as a paint palette in all of it's shades....sometimes. Other times it can be overwhelming.
Working on the hidden skeletons can be an exhausting exercise....and I've begun what feels like the beginning of emotional olympics training, so I guess I can expect some muscles to be sensitive...lol...after all...I'm not too keen on the whole warm up piece....
What would I do without metaphors...or analogies...how can anyone live without them? It totally illustrates thoughts and feelings...doesn't it? LOL...to me anyhow...
If I could take my emotional temperature though....I don't have a fever...and I'm not hypothermic either....hmmmm...what does it feel like? uhmmmm....uhmmmm....dry? dehydrated? yeah...that sounds like a term I can use for this....I'm running low on the warm and fuzzies...and I soooooo like them! It's been a full week or so, that nobody has given me a compliment....lol, pathetic...but hey, we all have our addictions....oh, and sex? That's a bad word in this house these days...maybe that's why I'm getting cranky? BINGO! I think I nailed it....or not...lmao...can women nail? Hmmm...don't think so...from an anatomy standpoint...the nailing I would believe equates to the phsyical pounding and thrusting of the male's reproductive organ into the female's genitalia...lmao...clinical...just the way I like it....hehehe....and, women by nature...unless wearing a strap on...can't...laughing....just reminded me of the last episode of the L word....and omg....Grey's new season starts this week! YAY! Back to living vicariously through mcTony....oops...dreamy...and Rebeccadith....oops Meredith....LAUGHING REALLY HARD NOW...can't believe I wrote that...doesn't even seem to apply these days...but I guess, that no matter where I am emotionally...that series will always remind me of the lebanese connection...lol. But we're passed that stage....thank heavens!
Not elaborated on that whole rollercoaster now....I'm finding my zen place here in all this blabbing...no desire to knock it all to hell with irrational crap....lmao....
Ok....back on track here with my random but fun thoughts....what else do I want to rant about? Lack of sex, again? laughing....I'm pretty sure that's what it is...and it's hilarious because I didn't think of it, until I started writing....easily fixable....but don't want to go down that road...could be confusing....and I can make due on my own...lmao....I'm getting lazy on that front though....too spoiled...have had it good...don't want to make an effort on my own...lol...so sad....but, what can I say? I've been ruined....
Well, now that I've identified the issue...no sense in elaborating...would only get me all worked up and nowhere to go....lol. Cranky me tuning out....