When the dust settles....

I've been separated for 4 months and today I'm wondering what I've gained...or better yet, how I've invested the time that I always thought would be to grow and do things that are important to me....and as it turns out, my actions over the past months have been random, impulsive and without much rhyme or reason like a rebelious adolescent making up for lost time...and at the end of the day it's not really fulfilling. I know it all takes time, to establish a relationship....but, didn't I walk out of one to not have to deal with relationships? It seems as if now I'm pursuing several meaningless ones...and for what? Sex? Even that is getting old....never thought I'd say it...but the beauty of being someone's object of desire isn't all that appealing after a while...being loved seems alot more satisfying....and that takes alot of time and hurdles to overcome...and by the way I see things out in the world today, less and less people are surrendering to their feelings...take people like me for instances, emotionally inmature that block off feelings and hide behind anger after the slightest hint of emotion....we're all severely screwed up human beings really....people are scared shitless of becoming vulnerable to others...others are scared of showing or sharing how they feel because of possible rejection...have parents scarred humanity so badly that we've been all programmed to run away from love? And when in the hell did I get so corny???
I do miss it though, the courtship...a formal, real...traditional...exclusive and monogamous relationship...that you know is yours...and that the person is INTO you...and not a million more...that you have that one person to call at anytime...to talk about anything...share interests...vision...laughs....and tears...your best friend to whom you're really attracted to, that has seen you at your best and worst and still finds you interesting...that knows your every flaw and wants you more than the first day you met...is that all a fantasy? to want to have that?
As my thoughts turn today...it seems as if I'm coming to the conclusion that I might just want that...and that modern, open no strings relationships might not be for me...and that my marriage didn't work not because of my fear of abandonment or commitment but because he wasn't the right person for me....but who gives life a chance to find out if you are right for each other? People are too busy running away from the possibilities....I need to find a different circle of friends...because these days all I attract are married men that want to have fun, or divorced commitment phobics...lol...not that I want a serious relationship right now...but...to think that it'll be all fun and games....isn't settling...it's fun, for a while....but just for a while....
After some time, you become numb...I think my exploring has taught me how men think...and how they go through the motions without feeling much....in general, speaking here...there are exceptions...but, unfortunately too few to count....and I've made the same mistake many times over....trust...and consider lust as genuine interest...when the truth is, that the magic spell is broken once legs are open...lmao...good rhyme! Now, don't get me wrong...I don't feel used...because it's been a two way street....but heck, being on the receiving end I think women are always at a disadvantage...and it's men more often than women that pull those dissapearing acts...once fluids are lost....
It's the desire for attention that drives us to take it from wherever it comes...lesson? Be more selective...not that I'm not...but need to screen even more...trust less....have more patience and avoid quick fixes that will be only that...quick fixes...they'll only leave a trail of emptiness behind...good news? I give the benefit of the doubt....downfall? yeah, I'll continue to make some wrong decisions...but that's how inventors hit it big....that's how basketball players make the final victory shot, by messing up...over, and over....
The emotional toll is high though....and it's important that I continue to manage it with the strength and determination that I have....acknowledging my feelings...and as today's breakthrough I'm going to list the people in my life...and how I feel about them....because I DO feel, contrary even to what I tell myself every day....
My kids....I feel helpless at times when I realize the many mistakes I've made with them....I feel proud that they are strong enough to grow despite of that....and I feel that my life would have very little meaning without them in it....I feel love for them...lots and lots of adoration...
I feel a deep deep love for my ex....one that comes from the bottom of my heart and from the many many years we've spent together....I feel a longing at times...wishing things could be ok...and that I could be happy with him...and I feel sadness when I realize over and over how impossible that is for me at this point...
I feel frustrated when I think about my family....their narrow minds...intolerance and lack of understanding towards me....I feel angry that they will never know me, truly....but I also feel grateful for what they've given me....the tools to survive...
I feel very sad....when I chose the wrong people to get close to....when they prove that I can't trust everyone...it's disheartening, really....I feel weak and heavy when I believe in someone and they let me down....I feel dissapointed when I confirm how contaminated the world has become and how some people are selfish beyond any care towards anyone else...

Men...

Being separated has shown me men in a whole other light...when you're married you're interesting...because you're someone else's "problem" and when you're separated...you can easily become either a liability because you're a "potential problem" or a "potential fuck buddy". Not even sure that made sense...but it's exactly how I feel about the whole "dating" thing...
It's bad to be too good...bad to be too bad...bad to be recently separated...bad to have been separated for a long time...it's like there's no rules, really...other than...let's make it impossible for someone to be honest and giving because it's a jungle out there!!!
I mean, take today for instance...I'm in shock and awe and not even going to justify people anymore...why do I have the worst judge-of-character-0-meter???? First, I go and fall into the first idiot's bed...thinking I've found a good thing...first jackass...and then I find mr. hot that is either another jackass or doesn't want to taint the virgin mary (me), and none of them have the balls to say so...so they just fade away into the darkness...moral? They can all go fuck themselves...lol. I'm starting to really believe that all men are true idiots, each in their styles...ones more obviously than others...but really...they all are.
Take T for example...and not to drag him into this....but, let's say the cat was out of the bag I'm not sure he'd be so nice and understanding with me...let's face it...if he ever had to drop me like a ton of bricks...because the homefront is in danger...he would! And so...the day in and day out conversations...listening...caring...would probably all turn into a big fat NOTHING...
I mean really...take away the romantic idea of him being my true friend and all that...at the end of the day...it's a 9 to 5 Monday to Friday...use the company's resources, don't have to spend a dime of my own wallet...convenient little set up...I don't see him making any efforts (other than the maybe twice a year trips) to invest more than that....why should he? I'm depressed...oh well...let's wait till Monday to see if you're better...forget an e-mail or something...to see if I'm having a shitty weekend...I mean, he doesn't even get online late at night...or maybe he does...but just not visibly to me...sighs...yes, this is my way of making him just like all the rest...serves no purpose to put him above them...when in the end...he's just a man...and a married one at that...
I pretty much offered myself on a silver platter....lol...and NADA...unfuckingbelievable! The man didn't as much as call me! I'm telling you...cowards! Grow some balls...and tell me, uhmmm I don't think it's a good idea...I dunno...something...but no...I swear I'm so angry I could scream...and more than angry...I'm actually sad...because I don't seem to learn...here I was thinking I was in control....I was going to do something daring...and, this ass...made me feel like I can't even qualify for a roll in the hay! In the meantime, the other idiot is calling me every 2 hours...and I don't even like him! Sighs...I'm in a bad mood....
Enough trying....

My love life....

Interesting choice for a blog title, especially when at this point in my life I have no love life...lol. I mean, there are people that I care about, friends and such...but I'm not in love with anyone and no one is in love with me....and that kinda sucks...not because I think it's really a deep and lasting feeling, but it's nice to feel that someone is "into you" and that you're "into" someone...but it seems that the RECENTLY SEPARATED flag I'm carrying is like a male warning sign...or a free entry, amusement park add...lol. You find those that just want to get into my pants...and those who want to get into my pants and maybe have a relationship (haven't met any of those yet). I know it's very soon, but all the same it's kinda discouraging...there are way too many fake boob...all plastic women out there that men seem to find interesting...and let's face it, most of them think with their wee wee's and like to strut around with trophy looking women...even if they have shit for brains...but they make their oversized bellys, and receeding hairlines be less notorious if they have cleavage and chunky lips sitting at their side...
I don't think I had ever noticed that there are way too many of those women out there...insecure of themselves or with very little else to offer than boobs and a slutty look...and they spend amazing amounts of time taking care of themselves to get a man's attention...
Not to cut myself down but...I'm pretty blah...for what's out there...right off the bat, I mean...I know once they take the time...they'd find me interesting...but how many will really take the time...and oversee Bimbo Barbie????
Yeah, I know....I'm sounding a little ridiculous but...let's see here...I tried theatrical bohemian loon, who wanted to get some and then took the high road...then, the random handsome guy...that is a little too self involved and wrapped up in his life and meeting 20 women a day to maintain any glimpse of anything consistent...as simple as friendship....then there's the other guy that I don't find interesting at all...but we chat...has good conversation...but is a nitwit that can't even get a date time straight and stick to it....then there's cuban crazy person who has a mess for a life, shows up like a comet...wanting to take me away somewhere...pay for airfair for a weekend...lol to ultimately get into my pants....there's married guy that just had a baby that looks out for me, but nothing physical going on....there's married guy that tried to hook me and once he realized that I'm not that type...took the high road...lol...and last but not least...there's THE married guy, my friend...who listens...almost everyday...to my crap...but whom I know I can't really count on outside office hours...and can maybe see twice a year, if we're lucky...for a day or so...to pretend we have a relationship...yeah, I'm not in positive spirits in terms of men today...I'm really thinking that I'm going to end up alone...lol...either my standards are too high...or I've not been out enough...or men are just asses....or...all of the above...
Maybe it's just not time for me....but I don't really like what I've seen so far...
Not that I really know how the whole game works...haven't played it...ever...settled into the first consistent situation I found...and now I know why...not knowing where I stand is nervewrecking...that's why people settle...it's better sometimes the OK but known then the fabulous and maybe never happening known...lol.
But, it's really too soon....I guess I'm just venting my thoughts du jour because I don't understand how the dynamics of dating work or what the rules are...so, I'm going to probably land on my face a few times until I know...
Plus, it almost seems as if normal people aren't "in"...you're supposed to play something...have a hobby or a sport that you love...but if you've been raising kids for the last 13 years...that's well...uhmmm...not fun...LOL.
It's not good to be too witty and sarcastic...but you can't be all nice and giving all the time either...it's like a damn game! What a pain in the ass...
And there's protocol....when to say hi...when to not say hi....how often to communicate...and I know...that one should do what feels right...but when you do...put yourself out there...and it may not be reciprocated you end up feeling like an idiot....and, boy do I hate that feeling!
Oh well...the best I can do...is do my best....and let the chips fall where they may...but I can certainly feel that I'm going to become more of a bitch...I really feel like one today...
But I know....as the mother Theresa's quote goes...
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
Smiles....another good day...

The list...follow up...

Hmmm this is the first time I've actually "followed up" on a blog...it seems as if my compliant personality is surfacing to sort my life out and get things back in gear...less emotional talk and more action driven comments are in order these days...
I can check off the give the kids clothes away but they never made it to any foundation. The two maids that came in to help out today took around 10 bags full of stuff...and they were soooo happy....one of them doesn't need to do any christmas shopping for clothes for her daughter now because my daughter's old outfits, nice ones...will fit her perfectly...and the other one's baby is inheriting some of my youngest daughters dresses too....and I was blessed, literally by them...for being so giving. smiles...it felt nice...and even nice because I didn't do it to be thanked...
So the house is clean...er....and my OCD ways have kicked in too, because I'm cleaning up after everyone to the point of getting annoying...no leaving cups or ice cream plates behind leaving marks on my furniture!!!! Dog pee HAS to be cleaned inmediately...speaking of which the little one went to the vet for her shots today and a bath, boy was she stinky....and she started on dry food mixed with the can...and she liked it.
Tomorrow I'm teaming up with the girls to go paint shopping to start our paint their room project...they approved the colors...and are excited that we'll all chip in...thank heavens it's a fairly small room...although I think I'll probably just get around to one wall...lol, knowing myself the smell will chase me away...even though it's not the first room I paint by far...but it's been a good 4 years or so since I've tried it again....
The girls are asleep and my son is sleeping at a friend's....the house is organized, and I feel soooo much better because of it....the little one is asleep in the kitchen...dinner was good...and one happy pill later, I feel relaxed...ok, half a pill...0,25 mg to be exact...hardly nothing but enough to take the edge off....and get me some sleep tonight...because I only managed 2 hours last night...tossing and turning...I worry too much...
Today I'm in a good place...positive and exhausted....the girls room project is exciting...
I'm drinking some water, so I'm working on that as well....not quite ready to let go of the carbs because they might very well be what's keeping me somewhat active...and I need the comfort of food as awful as it sounds...even though my belly is growing and I hate it...need to do some exercise...now that the kids are on vacation I can still get up at 6 and walk instead of getting them rushed out the door....so there's an item I might be able to check off the list soon. Maybe...if tomorrow's a nice day I might even take the girls to the causeway for a nice outting...we'll see how that goes...
I'm getting used to being on my own....it's not that bad really...and I do enjoy my independence...my space...it'll become second nature...in time, I'm sure...one day at a time...

The list...

So, I'm thinking that I need to put together a list of sorts....to keep track of the things or actions I need to put in place to start "restoring"...
1. Get a maid, or someone to help at home. Well, have one that comes in daily now and leaves in the afternoon, and the new live in is supposed to start on Sunday. If she doesn't...then I'll hold onto this one for another week just in case...
2. Get rid of half of this kids clothes and shoes that don't fit anymore. We already started emptying closets and I'm donating everything to a foundation a gfd of mine is involved with...
3. Paint the girls room....that's going to be my weekend task...back wall bright fuscia...front wall neon green...side walls white to put up the colored circles we bought...they did a great job decorating the doors and bathroom with butterfly and flowered stickers...
4. Quote the furniture for the girls room....My gfd has a guy that does inexpensive custom made wall units, with the back of the unit uncovered so you can see the color of the wall...how cool! So, I have a design already, quite simple...but need to get started on it...I want their room ready by the time vacation is over...
5. Start eating healthier and drinking more water....only one carb a day...toughest task so far because the anxiety has my appetite in overdrive....but it's important that I start...perhaps with the maid, and having her put together breakfast and dinner, I'll behave...
6. Get back to walking once a day...at least a short 30 minute walk to start getting the hang of it..I can start at 6 am now that the kids are starting vacation, no rushing them out the door...
7. Make a point of not complaining...and smiling more...already started on that one...Lulu made a mess of the garbage this morning...and I didn't get upset...just cleaned it up...and tried to think of something else...my daughter wanted to start arguing last night...and I ignored it....and ended up laughing about something else...good start...
I think I'll leave the list at 7 for now...and when I've checked this off I'll go ahead and add some more items...
Good day today....nice.

Seeking Restoration...

I looked up the word restoration, and it speaks of returning to a previous condition....before impact...so, it seems as if my goal for the next few months should be to pursue the restoration of myself...just that. Let the rest of the world take care of itself...in strides...day by day...do the best that I can to guide the kids, hold the workplace together...keep in touch with friends and family...but most importantly...care for me...
I'm starting today...putting Becca back in order...starting with a slow warm shower...and a smile today...baby steps, nothing big...just enough to soothe me...positive thoughts...and random thoughts of the many ways...to get myself back...to that place that made me happy...
Today, I'm going to make a point of not complaining....that can be my very first real step...the maid left? another one will come...the house isn't impecable? tomorrow's another day to clean it...the kids are giving me a hard time? They're kids...it'll pass...It's raining? Good...we needed the water to cool off....Hmmm...the practice of positive thinking...starts today...starts right now...
What triggered this?...Yesterday I was interviewing maids...and this one lady walked into my home...with the saddest look I had seen in a long time....very humble looking...with a newspaper in her hand...she was telling me that she's from the interior of the country...and came to Panama with her two babies...2 boys...one is a year old and the other is three...her children...that she needs to feed...so she came to the city, after her husband had been bitten by a snake, on a farm...where they cared for the animals...the farm was owned by a Canadian family that moved back home...and because the land was so far from any town...they couldn't get her husband the attention he needed for the snake bite, and he died on the way....so this woman with her two babies came to town, to her mother's house to find work...a life and future for her children....
Last week, her mother died of a heartattack....and here she should before me...with a crumbled newspaper telling me her story....with the courage only a mother can have....she took the newspaper and without knowing her way around...she began to ask building to building for job opportunities....this woman, that had lost so much already....was strong...and moving forward for her kids...she wasn't crying...she wasn't at a therapist....she was on her feet...on the street...trying to make a difference in her life...with so little...a few dollars perhaps...and so much pain to carry....sighs...it broke my heart....at the end of the conversation she told me that she needed to travel back and forth and couldn't sleep here....and the pain in her eyes when I told her that wasn't what I needed was unbearable....so, I took down her number...and ensured her that I'd help her find something....and she smiled....and she gave me strength...because if she could smile...during this moment of her life...then so can I....
I gave her number to a friend that may need her to come in and clean the office...I'm also asking at work...because I truly believe that she was sent to me....to help me...so now I need to help her...
Inspiration comes in the most interesting shapes and places....the trick is to have our senses open to it...because it doesn't show up often...
Today is a good day...and tomorrow will be even better....

Rock Bottom....

Sighs....days like today are ones that I'd like to pass quickly and then develop amnesia to forget. I guess no matter how old I get or mature, the things that really bother me and hurt, will always sting like my family but as my girlfriend the shrink said so elocuently today, one has to dig deep into the painful past to heal...and I don't think that I've truly done that..and so, I walk around with a wounded inner child that weeps over spilled milk...lol. Not quite the metaphor but what I mean is, that...my life has been a series of traumatic events some self inflicted and some not...and my system is gradually short circuiting...some of the events I've shared and some I've not and probably never will because saying them out loud will make them real...so, I share the craziness with just myself and the burden is very hard to carry...on days like today.
My separation and home situation is triggering some past emotional heartache and I seem to be grieving over it all...at once. I never thought I'd see the day in which I'd grow so weakend that I'd break down in a therapy session...weeping, sobbing and unable to speak...the frailty of my humanity is screaming these days...and playing the tough one doesn't cut it now. It's hard...and it hurts...and I'm having a hard time dealing with it alone...and I've cornered myself into a place where there's not much support or anyone who thinks I even need it, since I've portrayed the role of ice queen can do it all...for such a long long time...
My aunt and I speak completely different languages and the resentment is so great that we can't find our way towards making it ok...funny how I can love so passionately...yet hold so much negativity towards some people...I guess I never got over the anger of a crappy childhood...I hated it...and everything about how I was handled...they had no clue...
My grandmother...clueless...not even getting into that one..almost 90 yrs old...won't even try to go against that...they made me hard...and then they grew softer over the years...and I didn't...so we lost ourselves on the way...not that we really had ourselves anyway...
I know...if it's me against the world...then I'm the one with the problem...but goodness it's getting heavier by the hour...and I really need help. Depression is setting in and it's ugly...and I can't afford it with the kids around...and for my own health and safety...because at this rate...snapping is just around the corner...I'm tired...
The crying isn't off limits, on the contrary...can barely make it stop...I sob and weep like my mom had died all over again...like I'm in extreme pain...and I am.
I wish I had the strength to focus on the positives today...but I can't...I just want to sleep...and I feel like I function on solar energy...like it's me...but it's not...going through the motions each day...it's like I've lost my balance...my stability...and I need it back.
It gets better, I know...but when? Gaining weight....driven by anxious overeating, lack of sleep, patience and tolerance...I feel like I'm aging a decade a day....
Sighs...it has to get better...